i was just informed i'm a pain in the ass.
like i care.
i know if that motherfucker comes back here without my strawberry shake, it's gon' be a misunderstandin'.

i am kind of a pain in the ass though.
so without further ado, some of the pain in the ass and weird stuff i do:

• when people are explaining stuff to me, i do this weird nose & mouth squint. it looks like i'm trying to tell the person talking s/he stinks or something, but really i'm trying to let things marinate. i'm a little slow.

• i can't do the doo if there aren't any babywipes. i don't feel so fresh and so clean clean when i use tissue to wipe my booty. i've actually gone to wal*mart at 2am just for some freakin baby wipes so i could take a shit. that's probably the one thing i've never made J do. get babywipes so i can shit.
  

• i cannot pee in public restrooms. i'd rather piss on myself than use a public restroom. almost every single speeding ticket i've gotten is a result of me trying to make it home in record time to pee. see, this one time my family and i were at the zoo. i had to pee really bad. because there was so many of us, i had to wait for my mom and aunt to make sure all the kids were together and whatnot. so we get to the restroom and there's shit splattered all over the walls. i mean everywhere. it was one of the most disgusting things i'd ever seen in my little 5 years of life and so threw up. right there. all over my winnie the pooh shirt and ugly ass tan knickerbockers.

• i have to vacuum before i go to sleep. i don't really know how that started but i've been doing it for the past 5 or so years. and the lines all have to go in the same direction or i will throw something at someone. they all have to go in ONE direction or baby jesus weeps. the only time i don't do it is when i'm really tired after sex or the sex was so good i don't wanna move anymore.

• when i wash dishes by hand, which is pretty rare, but nonetheless, i never put more than 5 dishes in the sink at once and i have to go in a certain order. utensils, mugs, glasses, glass plates, glass bowls, ceramic plates, ceramic bowls, plastic bowls, pots, and pans. if for some reason the order gets out of whack [because someone waits until i start doing the damn dishes to start fucking 'em up again] i have to let all the dirty water out and restart the order of what's left. and this is why i don't wash dishes that often. it's so fucking time consuming.

• after showering, i douse myself with baby powder. original type. and it's gotta be Johnson & Johnson's. none of that off-brand shit. then i apply that bedtime lotion. the one with lavender. i just love the smell of lavender. but oh, i'm not done yet. for the feet, gobs of vaseline. yep, from that big ass country-lookin jar. this is tricky cause i always forget to bring socks in the bathroom with me so i risk busting my ass if i move too fast. oh, it's been done and it ain't pretty. i've got other uses for the vaseline too. not that you kinky bitch. for the rest of the body, i use the baby oil gel. again with lavender. it MUST be lavender. i cannot tell you how many times i've had to cuss J out for walking up in here with that chamomile shit. oh, and i don't use the drippy stuff cause there's just no way of getting around the busting of the ass part. it seems a bit excessive but that's not even the whole routine. it's the NIGHT routine. the daytime routine is a bit different and the facial part is straight up on some other shit. say what you want but my skin is oh-so-soft.

• more on the vaseline: that's the first thing i put on my lips before applying any kind of gloss. it keeps the colored gloss from staining my lips and it keeps the luscious moisturized. i do not leave home without that big ass jar of vaseline which is why i have all those big ass purses J likes to complain about. i could hide a small baby in those things.

• reese's must be in the freezer for at least 30 minutes before i'll eat them. i don't know why. they just taste better that way.

• when i wear sweats or pajama bottoms, i always have the left side pulled below my hip bone. i'm not really sure why. i guess i just like exposing part of my ass and underoos. it's so sexy.

i think i was supposed to be studying or something.
yeah. on a saturday night.
fun.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:57 PM | |