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Saturday, December 29, 2007


let's start with Christmas. to be honest, i wasn't really in the Christmas spirit this year for a number of reasons. i was ready for it to be over before it even started.

Christmas eve morning, i had the privilege of being woken up by niece banging on the door screaming "TIA! OPEN DIS DOOR! MY GRAMMA SAID "YOU AND JAY NEED TO GET YO LAZY ASS OUTTA BED AND COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT BREFFUS!""

i should've been mad seeing as how it was 7:30 in the goddamn morning and we'd just went to bed at 4. but you really can't help but laugh when it's that little girl doing the banging and yelling. but it stopped being funny really fast when the dogs decided to help her out by barking and howling.

unfortunately, i didn't get to stick around for my momma's delicious cooking; instead, Jay and i went over to his parents for breakfast. i'm not gonna lie, the woman can cook and i ate every bit of it, but i don't like her and she doesn't like me. however, Jay wanted me there with him, so we made a deal-- Christmas eve at his parents' house and Christmas day and my mom's house and i have him to myself the rest of the week. i'm pretty sure i got the better end of that deal. =)

it wasn't all that bad with his folks. his sister and i get along very well and i'm slowly warming up to his brother again. it was really odd not having the dog there anymore, though. lots of food, some conversation. i was very surprised to see a couple of gifts with my name on the tags under the tree, although i think Jay had a little something to do with that. some of their extended family came over..... awkward. this is probably a really bad analogy, but i'm using it anyway- i felt like Hitler in a room full of Jews. or a Jew in a room full of Hitlers. they don't like me. not one bit. but somehow i manage to suck it up and deal with it.

when the day was over, we went back to my mom's for more food and wine and singing and laughing, waiting for the little ones to fall asleep so we could bring out all the gifts for them to open Christmas morning. waaaaaaayyyy more fun. the only problem was my niece. my nephew is still a tot so getting him to sleep was no problem, but my niece wanted to see Santa in action and refused to go to sleep. every time someone would take her to tuck her in, 5 minutes later she would come right back downstairs with that toothy grin, rubbing her eyes, "is it morning time yet?" it was so obvious she was faking, for one the big grin on her face was a dead give away. secondly, the girl had a big digital clock on her nightstand, knows how to tell time, and it's officially Christmas at midnight. when 11:00 rolled around and she showed no signs of caving, we all just said 'fuck it'. all we needed was 20-30 minutes of her being distracted so we could set out all the gifts. at just the right time, Jay and i took her upstairs to watch Dr. Seuss' "how the grinch stole Christmas". short, sweet, and everybody loves it. PERFECT. of course, just a few minutes into the movie, those little eyelids start to get a little droopy. every few minutes, i'm poking at her just to keep her barely awake so that when everything is ready, my brother will come in the room and yell "SANTA WAS HERE!" and all this Christmas shit will be out of my hair.

everything was going according to planned, until we got to last, most important part. the part where my brother comes in all excited about Santa. my little brother is not a very soft or agile person. he's just loud for no goddamn reason at all. he talks loud, he eats loud, he walks loud. that motherfuck blinks loud. that dumbfuck burst into the room like the kool-aid man just screaming and hollering and jumping around "SANTA WAS HERE! GO LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF HE LEFT!"

and baby jesus wept.

all the dogs went apeshit; the baby who was on the other side of the house sound asleep woke up crying; and my niece was so terrified that she started crying and had a little accident. but that little girl didn't care. still crying and still wearing those pissy pajamas, she ran her little ass full-speed downstairs to see what Santa left her. poor Jay was shocked and confused by what had just happened and sat there looking at the big pee stain on his pants and shaking his head. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry; i just went on downstairs to see what was going on. i wish i had the video footage to show it to you cause words just doesn't do it justice. the little girl was so happy that Santa brought her gifts but she was still traumatized by my brother so she was still crying and refused to go clean herself up until every gift was opened. truly a kodak moment.

after all the hoopla, Jay and i took a nice, long, hot shower together and went to sleep. only to be waken up again a few hours later with that same wakeup call from my niece....and the dogs. Christmas was more of a repeat--family time-- but with more fun people......people i like and like me [most of the time.] i thought i was gonna be a big blubbery mess not having my baby girl around for her first Christmas, but i wasn't too bad. i had to excuse myself only a few times to get it together.

new year's eve is approaching fast. any plans? i wanted to go to new york but looks like i'll be ringing in the new year here. honestly, i think it's a pretty overrated *holiday*. i don't really care where i am as long as i'm with Jay. he's my favorite.

any new year's resolutions? i don't really believe in those because i figure if it's something you wanted//needed to do or achieve, you'd have done it anyway and not wait for the beginning of a new year to do so. BUT i am gonna try to not be.....so......whiney and stubborn and needy. i'm gonna get a lot of help from Jay's work schedule. every week next month, he will be out of town for at least 2 days. the week of Jan 21st, i'll only see him for 3 days because of work and a grad school interview and more work. the last 4 days of the month, he'll be gone again. i just counted the days and we'll be spending more days [16] apart than together the entire month of January. actually, it's even less than that because of the time he'll be spending in airports. just thinking about it makes me wanna cry, but i won't. at least not right now.

i think i'm gonna be sick.

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Friday, December 28, 2007

    don't judge me.

the blue lagoon makes me horny.

i'm so ashamed.


Thursday, December 27, 2007

    merry, merry. happy, happy.

you're probably thinking i'm ignoring you, but i'm really not.

i've been doing a little traveling, plus holiday stuff and i just got back yesterday. and since Jay has the rest of the week off, we're trying to make a baby.

i hope that santa brought y'all everything ya asked for this year and you had a very merry christmas.

gotta go.
see ya when i see ya.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

    nothing particularly important...

i have this problem where i get really upset with Jay when he doesn't talk to me when i know he's upset or *intensely thinking* about something. then later on when he does decide to talk to me, i kinda wish i hadn't forced it so much. gawd, he's such a baby. even though today turned out to not be as great as i'd hoped it would be, it was still really nice to have the whole day with him. i miss that a lot.

i kinda don't wanna go home for xmas. i love my family and it's usually nice to get to spend the holidays with them, but i really don't wanna be bothered with all the hoopla this year. i'd much rather just stay here and cook and have my own little holiday with Jay. the less people i have to deal with, the better.

that dog keeps looking at me cause she wants to go outside, but she's got another thing coming if she thinks i'm gonna be the one to get out of my cozy little spot and take her out. just take your little as on over to other side of the bed and scratch at Jay's head; it's not like he's doing anything important.

i have a ginormous bruise on my arm where i walked into the door. that happens a lot.

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Monday, December 17, 2007

    will you hold my hand and say that you understand?

even if you don't, just pretend.

Jay and i are trying to get pregnant. i've been off the pill for some time now, but we've got nothing.
last week....wait. no, the week before i was supposed to get my period, but i didn't. i still had the bloated, crampy feeling as if i was, but no riding of the crimson wave. last week, mid-copulation, i took a pregnancy test.

plus sign equals pregnant.
deliriously excited couple? check.

so, the next day, i made a doctor's appointment [for tomorrow!] just to confirm things and get started on all the prenatal business.

since then, i've been all nervous and anxious and excited and scared and everything in between. just too many emotions for one person, i swear!

then, late last night/early this morning, i got my period. at first, i thought i was spotting, which isn't good; but i'm definitely on my period. definitely not good.

so, i took another pregnancy test this afternoon and it's negative.

i don't know why, but the first test seemed too good to be true so i'd been preparing myself to hear that i'm not pregnant from the doctor. and the past few days i've kinda been like 'i don't FEEL pregnant'(?). i don't know how to describe it; i've just felt that something's not quite right [within myself].

i just took ANOTHER pregnancy test and it's ANOTHER negative. so, i've got 1 positive and 2 negatives. i'm gonna go with the majority and say that i'm not pregnant. at least not yet.

it's weird, i feel like i should be more upset about it than i am. then again, i haven't told Jay yet, so that very well may change. i REALLY don't wanna have to be the bearer of bad news but it would be very cruel for me to not tell him and be all excited about the appointment tomorrow only to have the doctor tell him i'm not pregnant when i knew all along.

uuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!! this is too much for one person to have to deal with!!!

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Sunday, December 16, 2007


-it's really awkward to be surrounded by women gossiping about other women's husbands cheating when THEIR husbands are cheating on them.

-it's even more awkward to be invited to a swingers party. it also makes me feel dirty.

-tuesday cannot get here fast enough.

-i am madly in love with quizno's broccoli cheese soup. and the bread bowl. i want to make sweet, sweet love to that bread bowl.

-it snowed today. it didn't stick but it was kinda weird considering it was 75 degrees just a few days ago.

-i finished xmas shopping today. i've decided i'm getting gifts for everyone next year. i'm getting too old for this shit.


-why does every goddamn commercial on tv have beyonce in it? for real! i wanna know this!

-i've tried to imagine my life without Jay; i can't do it. no, really, i can't do it. HE'S ALWAYS THERE. he's the one person i truly cannot live without.

-he doesn't like it when i make him sit on my feet to keep them warm. "you have a drawer full of socks. why don't you ever wear them? this is uncomfortable. seriously, it's not natural for human beings to do this! stop wiggling your toes!"

-it's almost monday. and after monday, is tuesday. i really need it to be tuesday.

-fudge. i should make some fudge.

-Jay has a great ass. i just wanna eat it up.

-i'm never sure about anything. that annoys me.

-cross your fingers and send me some good, happy vibes. on tuesday. =)


Tuesday, December 11, 2007


i'm kinda hungry. i'm kinda always hungry.

i really think you should ignore 98.72% of what i write here. i'm always tempted to go back and delete stuff, but isn't this blog all about me being me?

true story-
time: late one night last week.
place: the bedroom
right in the middle of having sex, Jay stopped to examine my boobs. after a few seconds of staring, grabbing, and poking he looks at me, boner and all, and says "they're not right. i need you to go pee on the stick RIGHT now."
the worst part: it's not the first time. there is nothing quite like hoping for something and getting the exact opposite. but *hopefully*, that was the last time. i'll let you decide what that means. *wink*

i'm so terrified of the weather here. last week was typical cold, fall/winter-ish weather. it's been 70-75 degrees the past 3 days. more of the same tomorrow. then back to 40-45 degree weather. i'm scurred. and it takes away the christmas-y feeling. goddamn global warming.

friday, there's a christmas party at Jay's work. he's making me go with him. as much as i enjoy making bitches envy me, i hate having to make appearances at stupid corporate event stuff. it's not fun. i can't be my loud and obnoxious self. he pinches me. and i bruise easily. though, i gotta admit, i'm kinda looking forward to wearing my little red dress. my ass looks great in it.


Sunday, December 09, 2007


i don't know why but i'm finding it really hard to figure out what i wanna do with my life.

when i was a kid, everything was kinda planned out-- graduate high school, go to college, get a degree, then a couple others, become a clinical psychologist, and somewhere in between get married and have kids.

so far, i've only managed to get through college, *pretend* i'm married, and have one miscarriage and one stillbirth somewhere in between.

there are some things i'd like to do just for fun or just to say, 'i did it', but i have no real career aspirations. for a while, i was okay with the whole stay-at-home mom thing, but i don't know if i'd truly be happy doing that; newborns grow into toddlers which grown into pre-schoolers which grown into kindergartners and first graders and really don't need their mommies 24/7. then what? cleaning and cooking only takes up so much time. i don't know if y'all noticed this, but i get bored very easily. i need something to do. and that's where everything goes to pieces of shit because I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO!!!!!!!

i've spent the past week crying because i don't even know if this is normal. everyone my age i know either has a job or is in grad school because they know what the hell they're doing. they have a 5-year plan. i have a dog who doesn't like me, a closet full of lysol and swiffer products and gym membership. and there's some boy i'm supposed to marry and have kids with but he doesn't really have time for me anymore. what the fuck is this?! why can't i get it together?!

somebody, please save me from myself.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007


what up, yo! how ya been? i'm alright. it's cold and windy out tonight. my kind o' weather. i made Jay go to quizno's and get some broccoli and cheese soup, so i've got a little time to bore you with the nothings going on with me. i think i'll make him put on the logs so we can snuggle by the fire when he gets back. =)

since i'm not working anymore, i've been hitting the gym again. nothing like when i was trying to lose all the baby weight. first of all, i'm not on that insane veggie and fruits only diet; i'm getting gassy just thinking about it. although, i am a pretty organic food-eating girl, i still love my oreo mcflurries, taco bell, and wendy's.

and secondly, no more 3-4 hours of working out. Jay and i stretch and run a mile before he goes to work in the morning, which is extremely hard with it being so cold at that time, but he keeps me moving. i go to the gym for about an hour and a half to do the elliptical and a little bit of lifting to stay toned. it's really nice to have a man who always compliments my body. i told him i was gonna start going back to the gym again and he goes "why? have you looked in the mirror? your body is sick [in a good way]. your abs look better than mine." *blushes* but i've still gotta maintain the look though, ya know?

oh, but he did piss me off today when i went to have lunch with him. i'm a t-shirt and jeans girl, so that's exactly what i wore when i went to his job. when i walked into his office, he frowned at me. i thought i had a booger dangling out of my nose or something, so i'm like, "what?" and he said "nothing. i'd just gotten used to seeing you dressed nicely when we have lunch."


of course, he "didn't mean it the way it sounded"[end sarcasm], but he certainly did not get any *afternoon delight*. don't be hatin' on my hello kitty shirt. i forgive him, though. and i think i'm starting to dig the facial hair on him. he looks so handsome and sexy being all grown-up and making money for me to spend. just joking about that last part. kinda.

i know he bought my christmas gift, but i can't find that sumbitch anywhere and it has to be around here somewhere. i just know it.

and he's starting to get a little anxious/nervous about the grad school admissions stuff. one of the schools will contact him some time in the next couple of weeks for an interview; another in January. a couple schools actually send out acceptance/denial letters in January.

i still don't know what i wanna do, so it's kinda like 'why did i even go to college?' part of the answer is to be with Jay. i got that much out of it, so now what?

Sunday, December 02, 2007

    i heart cheetos

first, thank y'all for wishing me a happy birthday. it started off a little rocky but it turned out fabulous, dahlings.

friday night, i stayed home by myself and drank half a bottle of wine. not a smart move. i haven't really had a drink in months. once upon a time, i could roll with the best of 'em, but mama's tolerance ain't where it used to be.

i was sad and mad so when Jay called me, i cussed him out 6 ways from sunday. i don't really remember much after that cause i passed out and didn't wake up until saturday morning slightly hungover. my mom, brothers and sisters, and some friends called to tell me happy birthday.

i got that special phone call from my niece i look forward to every year of her singing "go shawty, it's ya birfday." all kinds of cuteness. then, i got to talk to Jay for a while and he told me i was "very mean" to him and that he'd really appreciate it if i would learn to control my "filthy little mouth" and not talk to him that way anymore. he can bite me. but he did sing "happy birthday" and apologize for not being here to spend the day with me.

after talking to him, i cleaned and half-assed watched football. i really like cleaning when Jay's not around because he's always disturbing my flow. i thought about starting my own house-cleaning business but then i was like nah. i don't know what the hell i wanna do.

i pulled out the christmas stuff from the attic and almost broke my ass trying to get the shit down. now i remember why Jay's the only one who goes up there. i'm clumsy. i wanted to wait until papa bear got back to start with the christmas-y things, but i love putting up the christmas tree and decorating and all that good stuff. it's my birthday tradition.

so, after putting the tree together, there i was all excited about decorating it and the first ornament i pull out of the bag? baby's first christmas glass ornament.

talk about a downer. i had been doing really well not completely losing it thinking about having christmas without her. after seeing that ornament, i remembered i'd also gotten a christmas gift as well, last year. it was a fisher price laugh and learn home thingamajig. Jay told me i was being ridiculous when i bought it, but i just had to have it then because it was the perfect little baby gift and she'd be 9 months old around this time and i might not be able to find it again if i waited a year to get it. you couldn't tell me i was not getting my baby girl this little play house. now, instead of being the perfect gift, it's just another painful reminder of what we lost.

i had to have been in bed crying with the pillows over my head for at least an hour when suddenly i felt this hand on my back. because i had my earbuds in listening to music, i didn't know what the fuck it was so i jumped up and fell off the bed, busting my ass yet again and there's Jay. i was very happy and mad and sad and confused all at the same. i peed my pants a little, too. he scared the bejeezus out of me.

Jay is officially the sweetest man in the world. he flew home just to be with me on my birthday and help with christmas decorations. and he'd tried to get a flight out sooner but he missed it due to an emergency meeting with his co-workers. i felt really bad for yelling and cussing at him because he'd planned to fly home for the weekend the whole time but didn't tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise. he's a stinker. and i was really glad he got there when he did because i needed someone to hold me and share my pain, and he's the only one who can do both.

so, i got to spend the rest of saturday and all of today with him before he had to leave me again. we never really got around to decorating though. but that's a good thing. *wink* oh, he bought me flamin hot cheetos, a mountain dew, and this cute silver bangle bracelet with a heart and little diamonds in it. i think i'll actually wear this particular piece of jewelry. it's not that expensive. expensive jewelry scares me. i'm afraid i'll either lose it or break it, so i don't wear it. except my ring. but only because i get to flaunt it in bitches' faces. i'm catty like that.

i was a little sad when i took him to the airport tonight, but i feel a lot better about him leaving this time around since he'll be back in less than 24 hours.

this i can deal with.

planet earth is on!!

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