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Friday, June 30, 2006

    it's close to midnight

i'm bored.
slightly annoyed.
i wanted to stay in tonight to watch movies and cuddle with J but he wanted to go out with his friends.
i hate when he asks shit like "do you want me to stay home?"
that dumbass knows the answer but he also knows i'm not gonna ask him to stay when i know he doesn't want to.

i'm just gonna make him feel like shit for leaving me home alone when he gets back.
i'll probably cry and call him some names.
it's always fun.
cause then he'll do everything he can think of to keep me from going to bed mad at him and we have angry makeup sex.

i love that he and i have literally and figuratively grown up together.
it's enabled us to share this great emotional connection as well as a strong physical/sexual attraction to each other.
however, it's far from easy maintaining both - not catering to the needs of one part while completely ignoring the other.
you can't have one and not the other and expect to have a fully functional relationship.

maybe that's why i'm always so damn tired.
this love thing wears me out.

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    let me see ya do it to it

-girls do not like to hear: " i'm a thousand times hotter than you will ever be and my shoes cost more than your entire life, but that doesn't mean i think i'm better than you. it's just a fact. i don't need to think about it. 'kay?"

but, hey, that bitch was the one who asked if i thought i was better than her. i just answered the question.

-you can get a ticket for driving in the emergency lane to pass someone. in my defense, that fucker did not give me the little hand signal to thank me for letting him merge. i was just trying to get my spot back from that ungrateful whore. crying helped get out of it too.

-J made me really upset by refusing to have lunch with me two days in a row [his excuse was because that's the reason i'm failing one of my classes], so yesterday when he got off from work, he brought me flowers and a freakin OREO MCFLURRY! i hadn't had one since we had that nasty wreck a few months ago, and i swear i came while i was eating that thing.

-if someone asks what you race you are and you respond with "Blackorican", that person will look at you, and with the most forced smile ever say "oh, that's nice." it's some pretty funny shit.

-i finally got rid of the scale. it was difficult but now instead of weighing myself everytime i go in the bathroom, i check my cooter to make sure everything is still in place. i am happy to report my cooter is just as perfect as it was the day i was born.

-i can't have sex while porn is on but i can when sportscenter is. it's especially fun when the commentators are in sync with all of your moves. GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLL!

-i really hate passive aggressive people. if you have a problem with me, let me know. don't dance around shit with me, cause i sure as hell will tell you if you've pissed me off. J says that's one of the reasons people hate to love me. i may be a bitch but you'll never have to wonder where you stand with me because i'll let you know right then and there and then i'm over it [for the most part. i do have a tendency to hold grudges.].

-i think i'm gonna let my hair grow out again. it's shoulder length now but i kinda miss having longer hair. it's good for pulling on during sex.

-while watching the NBA draft the other day, i wanted to lick the screen every time JJ Redick was shown. i just need 3 and half minutes, maybe even 4, to fuck that boy silly. he'll be ready to marry a nigga.

-i should get paid for all of the advice i purposely and inadvertently give y'all. i know there's more than a few of you out there winking while giving blowjobs, mixing vodka and kool-aid, using babywipes to wipe the love mayonnaise off of you after sex, waking your significant other up at ungodly hours of the night to go get you food, and now you're fiddling with your belly button during sex. hmmm......

-i'll try anything twice, once drunk and again sober. now that i've done it under both circumstances, girl-on-girl action doesn't really do it for me. but what i can say, i'm a people J pleaser. i'll probably do it again in another 6 months. i'm all about consistency.

-i wish all the lurkers would eat shit and die. i don't stalk and lurk around your shit so stop doing it here. it's not that fucking difficult, cuntfaces.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

    lick it and stick it

some creepo perv tried to lure me to his cave by telling me i looked like "an ethnic barbie doll" and i should give him a call cause he could "make [me] famous".

i know i have a pretty face but motherfucker, i am 5'6 and got ass for days.
it ain't gon' happen.

and i'm pretty sure scouts don't look like the bum that i always see downtown flashing people.


it's not fun having one of your sisters read your blog.
ESPECIALLY when that bitch has no life and will call you after every post she's read asking questions and shit.

bitch, go join a club or something.


J does not like to be woken up at 3 in the morning.
especially when it's just to make me pancakes.
i don't even like pancakes but i had this dream where he made me pancakes and they were really good so i wanted some for real, for real.

hell, i play with his balls every day.
the least he could do is make me some damn pancakes.


because of school and J's work, we don't get to go home for the fourth.
lucky for us, our parents do nothing but talk shit about us, the fam's gonna drive up Sunday and stay for a few days.
that should be interesting.
they haven't seen the new place and i know my mom's gonna have plenty to say about it just cause she has to say something about every damn thing..


about the orgasms.
i can do multiples in several ways.

vaginal alone. that's good for when we're in the thrusts of passionate love-making. you don't wanna have to do extra stuff just to get off.


clitoral alone. that's great for when we're just being silly, horny toads and fondling each other or i want my giney licked just for shits and giggles.


vaginal + clitoral. oh my jeebus. i give that one a 10 out of 5 stars because it just intensifies the orgasm like you wouldn't believe.
oh yeah.
mama's a screamer.


clitoral + G-spot. J's tongue + J's middle and index fingers = a very happy Meems.
to those who think the G-spot doesn't exist, i'm sorry, your sex sucks.


just laying in bed and letting J *explore* my body with his hands. no penetration at all. he just slowly glides his fingertips all over my body and within minutes i'm trembling and moaning in ecstasy.
i think it's the tease and anticipation of what's coming next that gets me to climax.
it's fan-fucking-tastic.


and lastly, belly button + vaginal. we accidentally discovered this yesterday.
i was really bored so i went in the bathroom started sticking q-tips in my ears and nose. and then i thought "that's a hole too" so i stuck one in my belly button.
went back downstairs and laid on the couch.
J comes over and he's like "you have issues" and then he swirled the q-tip that's in my belly button and i got this really odd yet pleasurable sensation in my hoohoo. i told him and he's like, "we should see where this leads to."
so yeah, some time later when we were doing the nasty, he *stimulated* my belly button and it was quite the experience.
i came from him doing the 'come hither' thing with his finger in my belly button.
you should try it.

p.s. i am not surprised no man had the balls to answer the sex question. they're all a buncha dry pussies.


    it's that time again......

i'm bored.
i should've left for class like half an hour ago.
oh wells.

hump day sex question:

since only a small percentage of women can orgasm without any clitoral stimulation, ladies, how do orgasm?

do ya let your fingers do the walking? use a vibrator? electric toothbrush?


for the men who are brave enough to comment, what's the perfect blowjob, in your opinion?

i'll edit with my answer and thoughts later today.



Monday, June 26, 2006

    i am not a fan of mondays

J and i were supposed to go to dinner last night but we got high, fucked, and went to sleep and missed our reservation.
so we ordered in some chinese and cracked open a bottle of moet.

we were sitting on the floor, and i'm on my fourth glass and i'm like "i have no buzz whatsoever."
when i tried to get up to go get another bottle, i fell on my damn head.

that shit ain't funny.


i woke up this morning with a massive hangover.
i believe it's time to hang it up.
my little liver just can't take it anymore.


today, i begrudgingly puttered to my first class.
i wouldn't have gone if it weren't for the test.
totally failed that shit.
oh wells.
afterwards, i went over to J's work so we could have lunch together.
actually, he had lunch. i just sat next to him playing with his naughty bits.
went back to campus for the second class.
the prof asked me to stay after class to inform me i'm failing.
my response?
"it's not my fault this class starts during lunch."
i know it's my fault but i have a severe case of senioritis and since doctors don't write notes for me to be excused, i blame the time and metro traffic for me always being late.

technically, i shouldn't be late because there's only a 20 minute gap between my first class ending and the second one starting, BUT the first class always gets out early and J always asks me to go to lunch with him and i can't say no.
well i could, but i don't like to.

i'm not really bothered by failing the class, i'm more concerned about the fact that failing doesn't bother me.
i should be freaking the fuck out because i know that F is gonna pull my GPA down a ton. if not enough to cause me to lose my scholarship, then pretty damn close to where i can't afford to make anything below a B in the fall.
that's pretty bad.


on my way home, i checked out this new tobacco and beer shop that just opened not too far from the house.
one of my former vices and i are buddies again.
J's not too happy about it.
he can kiss my ass though.


i'm really annoyed by my tan being uneven.
my left arm is darker than the rest of my entire body because of the fucking sun beaming down on me when i'm driving.
everyone says they can't tell but i notice everything wrong with my body.
an uneven tan does not make me happy.

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Sunday, June 25, 2006

    baby, it ain't over til it's over

minus the poopy diapers and her biting the bejeezus outta me, i enjoyed having my goddaughter around all weekend. i spoiled her rotten.
food and toys that make noise are the way to her heart.
i'm pretty sure her mom's probably pissed that the kid won't go to sleep without being held though.

J was great the first day we i had her. he seemed to enjoy the whole fishing experience. when i put her down for a nap, he laid in bed with her and watched her sleep. and when she woke up, he actually changed her diaper. it was so adorable. [i think that kid's gonna be a chronic bed-wetter cause she pees entirely too much while she's sleeping.] but when she got around to dropping the load, he left that to me. typical male.

then after he read my latest post and he did a 180. when he was around, he would play with her for like, five minutes , hand her off to me, and then go into another room. whenever i got time to talk to him about it he was either sleep or out with his friends.

this morning, i let him sleep in while i took stinky-poo home. the kid was more than ecstatic to be with her mommy again. she had the biggest smile on her face when K opened the door and practically jumped out of my arms to get to her.
i will admit, although i really loved having her, i was glad to not have that extra 20 pounds on me anymore. that kid is bad for my back.

when i came back home, J was laying on the couch watching tv. so i got on top of him, dry-humped him a little and made him sit up so we could talk.

i asked him if he had fun this weekend since he was gone most of the time and he was like, "Yes......and no" with his voice trailing off on the "and no" part. when i asked what he meant by it he said something like, "I don't know. I had fun hanging out and getting drunk with all of my friends but then coming back home and seeing how happy you were with Loo just made me re-think some things......about.....us."

perfect. just what every woman wants to hear from the man they're supposed to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

"yeah, you've been kinda distant all weekend, literally and figuratively."

"i know. i'm sorry."

"don't be sorry. just tell me what's going on."

he kissed me.
full of intensity.
and as he was kissing me i could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

but they weren't mine.

his forehead pressed against mine, "i think we should cool off for a while."

part of me knew what he was gonna say but i was so taken aback by just the thought of it that i didn't think he would really be thinking it.

"as much i want to give you everything you want and make you happy, i can't do it all right now. i'd end up resenting you for it and that's not fair to either of us."

i had so many thoughts running through my head i didn't know what to say.
i was speechless.
that's pretty rare, kids.

after sitting in complete silence for what seemed like forever but was really only a minute, he asked me to say something. have you ever been so confused about something, all you could do was laugh semi-maniacally about it?
i never had until today.

"i don't get it. all of this was because of you. you were the one who wanted us to try and work things out. you wanted us to live together. you brought up marriage first. you were the one who proposed. and i said yes to it all because i love you more than i love myself and so desperately wanted to be with you and thought everything would work out because you seemed to want it just as badly. and then this weekend, just because there's a kid around for a couple of days you don't want it anymore? that's really fucking adult of you. so i guess i should say "thanks for the memories." am i supposed to help you pack?"

"i feel like the only reason you had Loo here was so you could get me to change my mind about us having kids now."

i'm a very emotional person. and i haven't a single problem with expressing whatever emotion i'm feeling at any given moment. i went from heartbroken to confused to pissed to fucking livid in 3 seconds and i smacked the shit out of that dumbass.

"[insert his first, middle, and last name here], you are the most self-centered ASSHOLE i've ever known. the reason Loo was here was because K had to work two doubles this weekend and she didn't have a sitter. i told her i would keep her because one, she needs the money and two, i'm her godmother and that's what i'm here for. whenever Loo needs something, food, clothes, a sitter, i'm gonna get it for her. it had nothing to do with you."

i've always known J was an idiot. but i never the level of idiocy was at such a magnitude that he'd actually think i had some ulterior motive behind keeping my goddaughter for a few days. he and i have talked several times about now not being the right time for us to have kids. yes, sometimes it's saddening to me because i love him so much and want all of these great things for both of us, but i'm not so irrational about life that i would try to have kids now knowing how he feels about it. i mean, i'm going to continue to want to have kids until we do but damn, give me some credit here.

"so, you weren't gonna like, give me an ultimatum or something about the baby thing?"

"are you out of your rabid-assed mind?"

"no, i thought you were gonna be like 'if we cant have kids now, i'm gonna leave" so i figured if i maybe broke things off first it wouldn't come to that."

"i'm sorry you have that little faith in me and our relationship, J."

"it's not that."

"really? what do you do call it then?"

"i'm sorry, baby. i know. i'm stupid sometimes. [ya think?] can we just go back to bed and pretend none of this ever happened."

"you've got some serious making up to do, boy. and you can start by licking my giney."

[insert evil grin here]


just because i know him and given our history, i understand why he would jump to such conclusions. i can't even be mad at him because i know he's an idiot and he knows he's an idiot. it can be entertaining at times, but at other times i have to wonder what he would be like if he didn't have me around to smack some sense into his head every other day.

it's all to the goody now.
i don't have a kid stuffing triscuits down my shirt.
i've gotten my ovaries punched.
and we have dinner reservations at my fave italian restaurant.
life is grand again.

but if that sumbitch ate my twizzlers i'm gonna cut him.

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Friday, June 23, 2006

    gone fishin'

continuing on with the birfday celebration, J and i went out last night.
he was really excited to be buying alcohol legally.
it was really cute.
we get it anyway cause we usually know the bartenders and servers at the places we go, but he just loved it last night.
i didn't let him drink that much though cause i didn't want him to be hungover today.

this morning i picked up my goddaughter and we went fishing.
or at least attempted to.
J's been wanting to go for a really long time and my goddaughter "Loo" is staying with us all weekend and i want her to have lots of great memories of a father figure in her life, so fishing we went.
i teared up a little bit just watching them together.
she absolutely adores J and he's just terrific with her.

the morning turned out to be quite an event.
Loo did not like the life jacket.
she screamed and bit my boobs to make sure i knew it too.
Loo tried to eat the worms.
if there's ever fear factor for babies, she's kicking ass and taking names.
Loo stuck her head in the bucket of minnows.
yeah, lovely smell.
Loo threw J's camera in the lake.
i really hope that thing wasn't waterproof.
Loo tried to jump from the boat into the lake almost everytime J threw the line in.
the child does not fear death, as she has absolutely no depth perception.
i've never been so happy for rain in all my life.
the thundering and lightening i could've done without, but i was glad we had a reason to leave.

we made it home just before it started to pour.
i gave her a bath and she fell asleep in my arms as i was drying her off.
freaking me the fuck out must be exhausting for a 1 year old.
i thought to myself "so this is what having little ones around is gonna be like."

i can't wait.

p.s. who are you and why don't you go to the home url like normal people?:

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Thursday, June 22, 2006

    i need 7 inches or more

so the man's birthday has come and gone.
thank fucking god.
i'm exhausted.

tuesday night, he and i stayed in and watched the game. alone. FINALLY..
miami won. i totally called it. i'm awesome like that.
we stayed snuggled up on the couch and watched the postgame stuff.
i talked shit about the players who didn't even play a single second running out onto the court celebrating like they really did something besides ride the bench the entire season.
i mean, those niggas didn't even dribble the ball and they're out there grabbing hats and t-shirts and shit like they actually contributed to the win.
and since when did winning the NBA championship make them "world champions"?
it's the eastern conference versus the western conference.
those motherfuckers didn't play the damn world!
but anyhoos, midnight rolled around, i sang the boy happy birthday and pinched his ass.

then i gave him the card and stuff i bought him: first two seasons of entourage and a portable satellite radio.
he luh-ded it. he was actually surprised i remembered he wanted that stuff. i should probably be offended by that but i'm not because i had no idea he actually told me that's what he wanted.
i blame the drugs.
anyhoos, after he fiddled around with that stuff, we went to bed and i gave him some birthday lovin.

then i got up at 5:30 in the morning and snuck downstairs to get all dolled up and into the skanky french maid costume and made the man breakfast.
forget trying. it's hard to WANT to look sexy that fucking early in the morning.
i'm still sleepy and i've got eye boogers and cock breath that've marinated for several hours.
it's not pleasant but i made it do what it do.

me as the hot spanish-speaking french maid is about as close to reality as that fantasy is ever gonna come. our maid's gonna be a fat mexican with a mole on her chin the size of japan and nappy pubes. her milkshake will not be bringing my boy to the yard.

maids and milkshakes.
sounds like a nursery rhyme of some sort, but i digress.
my bad.

his mom and dad called, like, right in the middle of us having sex. it's pretty awkward riding the stick when you can hear his mom crying about her baby turning 21.
just take my word for it.

next up, the slutty catholic schoolgirl. cause really, what guy doesn't want to do a hot chick wearing an obscenely short skirt and knee-high socks? i know the boners are raging just thinking about it.

something not fun, unless you're a sado-masochist: getting in a car that's been sitting in the sun for several hours and burning your ass on the hot leather seat.

but yeah, i went to his job while he was on break to give him a birthday cupcake and a blowjob in the restroom. yeah, i'm the bestest. i may have gotten him in a little trouble though. apparently distractions like that aren't welcome in the workplace. whatever. i think the boss was just jealous of me.
he has a man-crush on J.

the third "character" was supposed to be a dirty cop, but i never found a uniform that i liked so that never happened. i had this whole routine where i was gonna frisk him and interrogate him about his speeding tickets and why driving "fast and hard" was sooooo fun, and then i was gonna cuff him with the pink fuzzies and give it to him nice and slow.
stupid costume place and their ugly cop uniforms.

since that didn't happen i just made him his favorite dinner [fried chicken smothered in gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade biscuits] and a chocolate cake with white icing.
why the bakeries here won't make a cake in the shape of a vagina i'll never understand.

and this is where i bitch about him eating whatever the fuck wants and still managing to have the body of a greek god. that bitch fell asleep after he finished the THIRD slice of cake.

but that's okay cause when he woke, i got to cuff him to the bed. the night was not gonna end without me using those handcuffs.
a while ago, J and i were watching purple rain and started talking about prince's proteges.
he said vanity [NSFW] was his favorite [cause he has jungle fever] so that was my inspiration for the birthday finale.
keeping the tradition going, i dressed in skanky lingerie [gotta love frederick's] and fuck-me boots and gave him his very own private dance. this time to vanity 6's "nasty girl" [the unedited version] while standing on the bed. the whole time i was thinking "DON'T FALL!" "this song is a lot longer than i remember" "DON'T FALL!" "where'd i put the key?" "OMG DON'T FALL!" "dude, he just licked my crotch."
i did end up falling before the song was over cause my heel got twisted in the sheets. it was hilarious to me but not so much to J cause i kinda fell on his not-so-little dude.
but i kissed it and made it all better....and some other stuff.

that's pretty much it.

years from now, J's gonna tell our kids "mommy was a nympho and dressed up in skanky costumes for daddy's 21st birthday.
and then she blogged about it."

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

    tuesday stuff

i'm really glad i've already found the person i wanna spend the rest of my life with and know that he feels the same way.
i really don't know how women deal with dating these sorry ass men who either don't know what they want, think a relationship exists on their terms only, do not understand what the fuck "monogamy" means, or just string along women because they don't have the balls to be honest about what they want.
i'm annoyed just thinking about it.


i made a little uh-oh with the sturker [stalker + lurker = sturker] thing.
the second one i posted yesterday actually came out on the post i made thursday.
that first one hasn't come out yet so that motherfucker is going back on the jackass wall.

and today's view of our sturker's activity:

oh how i love being me. :)


my innards get a little warm and fuzzy when guys in my class start crushing on me.
they're like little puppies.
someone should tell i kick puppies.


J's birthday is tomorrow.
i have a nice little evening that may or may not be filled with kinky shit planned.
he's gonna love it.


i'm not taking the placebo bc pills this month so i won't get my period.
i like not having a period.
i may stop taking the placebos completely until it's okay for J and i to start reproducing.
i should probably make sure there are no health risks for that.


trying to get research published is a pain in the ass.
stupid bitches want 3 billion copies in a bazillion different formats.
then they want you to change your shit from APA style to some other bullshit.
and on top of that, you can only submit the article to one journal at a time and their gonna want the shit in different styles and formats.
it takes the fun out of everything.


i love wasabi peanuts.
they're delicious.
that is all.


i'm pretty sure my pretty daffodils J bought me today are the reason i can't stop sneezing right now.
it sucks.


my name is meems and i have an uneven tan.

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Monday, June 19, 2006

    it's raining men rain

last week, i didn't really update cause i was just fed up with everyone and everything. so-called friends were being two-faced hoes, J was being a jerk, and i was ready to choke the life out of every single one of 'em. but i didn't. cause i can't go to jail. i ain't trying to be nobody's bitch. i'm too cute for that shit.

i'm well aware of the shit people talk about me. i hear everything. it's never really bothered me cause i actually kinda enjoy knowing that little ol' me has such an effect on people 'round these parts.

i am hated.
i fucking love it.

recently, people who don't even know me have been doing all the shit-talking. they're using 2-year old material so i know who they're getting their info from but i'm like, 'okay, you've never even met me so why the fuck is my name coming out of your mouth? get a fucking life.'

ordinarily, i don't let little trivial shit like that bother me but i was already having a bad week thanks to my oh-so-wonderful fiance so i just kinda had mini-meltdown, which may have included some name-calling and lamp-throwing. and i'd just bought that fucking lamp.

there's this little annual folk-ish music fest a few miles south of here. J and i had no intentions of going because 1) the lineup sucked IMO, and 2) it fell on father's day weekend and we'd already made plans to go home and hang out with his family.

so, wednesday night, we'd just got home from our little date night and he tells me he's going to bonnaroo with his friends.

the ones i wish a slow, torturous death upon?
yep, them.

i got upset not because he wanted to go, but because i know how J's puny little brain operates. he knew way before that night he wanted to go and i KNOW he told his friends he was gonna go before that night. what pissed me off was that he didn't tell me, the one who's wearing the goddamn engagement ring, until the day before he was gonna leave. what pissed me off even more was who he was going with. i do not like those nimrods. they're the most ignorant, disgustingly childish group of people i've ever known. if it were up to me, they would've been eliminated from the gene pool a long time ago.
and what really took the cake was that he didn't even have a fucking ticket and the fucking thing had been sold out for weeks already but his dumbass still wanted to go because he thought 'oh, they always say that but they'll let us buy at the gate.'


we argued about that for about an hour. then i cried to make him feel bad but it didn't work because he knew the only reason i was crying was so i could get my way.

so yeah, thursday, he and the little fuckwits went on their merry little way. it took them a billion hours to drive 20 miles cause traffic was fucking horrible, but they went. i bet those little fuckers thought they were hot shit in that funky ass little van with their stupid little coolers and their stupid little tent.

i always think to put the pussy on lockdown for a few days as revenge, but i can't punish myself for his stupidity. since no sex is the only thing that really has any effect on him, that was the end of the revenge plotting. i just decided i wouldn't do his laundry, take his stupid work clothes to cleaners, and make those stupid fajitas for him anymore. it's not the same as withholding sex but he couldn't do his own laundry if you paid him with sex.


friday, who comes crawling into bed at 4am?
you know, it almost sucks to be right all the time.

i could've said "i told you so" but i didn't. i was too happy to have him back home in our bed where he should've been all along. i be scurred when i'm home alone. plus, he apologized so i was over it. the penetration i was getting while he apologized over and over may have had something to do with me being over it too, but that's not really the point.
the point is: i'm always right.

anyhoos, we pretty much just stayed in bed the rest of the day spooning and tickling each other. we're special like that.


saturday morning, i got breakfast in bed. yay. he made me waffles, eggs, bacon [which he ate for me], and fresh strawberries and blueberries smothered in whipped cream. absolutely loved it. now, if i could just get him to wear that leopard man-thong for me...

we left for the parentals around noon. it rained almost the whole drive there which made me nervous as hell. i'm always on edge when i'm in the passenger seat but the rain just made it a million times worse.
i was gripping the 'oh shit' handle with both hands and kept asking J if he could see through the rain cause i couldn't see. i figured if i couldn't see, then he couldn't see. but then he reminded me i didn't have my contacts in and i'm pretty blind without them or my glasses. i chilled out for a bit but then a car in front of us skid off the road so i made J pull cause i way too freaked out.

that motherfucker stopped at a rest area. that did not make me feel any better. when he and i first moved here for college 3 years ago and we would drive back and forth from here to memphis, his mom and my mom used to always tell us not to ever stop at rest areas cause big, burly truckers kill people that stop there. i don't know either but i was plenty disturbed by the whole thing.

we sat in the car for like ten minutes and i was just bawling cause i didn't wanna get killed by a truck driver but i didn't wanna get back on the road cause i didn't wanna have a wreck on the interstate. i was just a fucking mess. and J was like "baby, you have got to calm down cause i can't drive while you're like this." i wasn't trying to hear that shit. the only thing my mind was processing was truck drivers and dead bodies so i was making sure all the doors were locked and looking around for axe-wielding truckers. maya, our dog, was sitting in the back with her little head cocked to the side looking at me like 'what is this bitch's problem? does she ever shut the fuck up?'

hey, fuck you and that dog. i was scurred.

the rain eventually let up and we were back on the road again. i was still paranoid as fuck though. everytime one of those big rigs came up behind us i thought it was following us and the angry trucker was gonna run our asses off the road. but we made it to the parents' house safely.

and as soon as we walked i was like, "fuck the 'heys and hugs', i need a valium and i know somebody in this house has one."

10mg of medicinal bliss i tell ya.
i took that sumbitch at 4:30pm and didn't wake up until 8 sunday morning.
the only reason i woke up then was because J wouldn't stop poking me with his morning wood.
ya know, i don't mind the morning sex. in fact, i'm an advocate for it. but waking me up by poking me in the ass is some rude shit. i don't poke you in the ass with a cucumber while you're sleeping, do i? no, i do not. you shouldn't either.

the weather was pretty bad so instead of going out, J's mom made a big breakfast and the kiddies gave Papa J his gifts. i have to admit, i envy that relationship. in a good way though. during that moment, i kinda wished my brothers and sisters and i were close to our dad like J and his brother and sister are with their dad. hell, i don't even need the closeness, just some type of close-to-normal relationship with him. you can't choose your parents though. oh wells.

we all just kinda lounged around the house playing spades and non-nekkid twister. pure insanity. J and his brother are super competitive with each other. those two will compete to see who can drink a glass of water the fastest.


the whole time we were playing twister, J and his brother would kick, punch, elbow, bite, and everything else to get the other to fall. it was just ridiculous. during one round, i ended up entangled with J's brother and he goes "expect a healthy baby boy in 9 months. little brother, you are NOT the father!" we're just cracking up because the position is so awkward for both of us, the only thing we could do was laugh and joke about it. J didn't seem to think it was so funny though.

i heard that crazy bastard yell "MOTHERF-" and before he got 'UCK' out, he punched his brother in the ribs causing all three of us to fall. J pulled me completely off the twister mat and he and his brother just start going at it.

the whole sibling rivalry thing used to be cute. now? not so much. i just looked at those idiots and went in the kitchen to steal a piece of cheesecake and called my mom. she was in chicago for the week. she attempted to harass me about not calling my dad but i told her the storm was giving me a bad reception so i hung up. yeah, i'm nice like that.

i guess the boys realized no one was paying any attention to their machismo bullshit so J came in the kitchen to feel me up and told me to go get our stuff together cause we needed to leave. i was like "yeah right. it's raining like crazy. i'm not doing that shit again."

he totally owns me so i just took a valium and slept the entire drive home. we made it here in time to catch the last few minutes of heat/mavs game. well, he did. i passed out on the kitchen floor and i'm pretty sure he waited until the game was over to throw my ass in bed and molest me make sweet sweet love to me.


i didn't really feel like doing anything today so i didn't go to class. i just wanted to stay home and clean and have dinner ready for my man when he came home from work. i prefer the wifey role over the college student one. wifey role gets me good sex while college shit just stresses me the fuck out. i don't need that in my life.
i've got enough shit to deal with.

p.s. i don't know who the fuck you are either.


Friday, June 16, 2006

    captivating, intoxicating

i don't get why some people feel the need to constantly remind me of how horrible of a person they think i am. i seriously don't give a fuck. why would i? if all you want is to tell me what a bitch or slut i am, spare my time and move the fuck on because a.) i know i'm a bitch so you're not informing me of anything new, and b.) i know i'm not a slut so that really does nothing for me either. just let me be. words of peasants mean nothing to me.

i'll be the first to be admit i'm not that great of a person to those i have no interest in involving in my life. i find it meaningless to waste my time on such people. walk on by.

i've been forced into situations beyond my control. most of which resulted in figurative scars and wounds i will never be able to rid myself of. i've made mistakes, just as any other person has and will, but i will never apologize for any of them. the only thing i can do is look back and reflect upon the bad judgments i made at certain points in my life. i don't care to change anyone's opinions of me, especially since most are based solely on he-said, she-said bullshit.

there's nothing anyone can say to me or about me to stop me from being the way i am and living my life as it is. i'm doing just fine with all my feats and flaws. past and current. if you don't like it, tough shit.

p.s. the calling out of lurkers starts now.
who the fuck is this [click for larger view]:


    i did not die yet

just hating everything right now.
sometimes i miss us just being friends.
spending long summer nights laying in the cool grass without a care in the world.
at least for that moment in time.
those were some of the best nights of my life.
i want them back.
i love where we are now.
i just hate all the of complexity and complications that go along with a continuously growing relationship.
i don't like being the girlfriend he feels he has to save from her own self-destructiveness.
but i need that best friend who i can run to and just breakdown yet feel like everything's okay because he's there.
not the boyfriend who's constantly telling me to 'just stop cause [he] can't 'deal with [my] shit right now'.
yeah, that's love.


Monday, June 12, 2006

    welcome to my monday


J and i had a little fight this morning about me driving his precious little truck.
i asked him to switch cars with me cause i was gonna shopping for a new papasan, lamps, and office furniture; all of which would not fit in my car.
he said no because i'm a horrible driver and he didn't trust me to bring his stupid truck back in the same condition as it is.
i'm not a horrible driver.
i just have a tendency to bump into things when i'm driving a non-sedan-type car, i.e. SUVs.
it's not my fault i never learned how to parallel park.
and it's his fault for getting the stupid thing.

so yeah, i had to cry so he would give in.
and he did.

i was gonna go straight to the city since i pretty much know those stores inside and out, but i figured it would be more convenient to just get everything here, even though the stores fucking suck.
they're somewhat decent but they never have the good stuff.
i guess that's the price you pay when you move from a major city to a not-so-major one.

surprisingly enough, i didn't have any trouble finding what i wanted.
all the sales people at pier 1 can suck my left ass cheek though.
those little fuckers are making what? 7 bucks an hour and had the nerve to cop an attitude with me when i asked them to do what they're getting paid to do.
i could buy those bitches and pimp them to their daddies.

i got lost in the linens-n-things parking lot.
yeah, i don't know how either.

office depot.
yeah, J's gonna have to get the office furniture cause the little weirdos that work in there scare the shit outta me.
i mean, little fucker just completely violated my personal space.
i'm like 'dude, gimme 2 feet. fo reals. and quit breathing so hard.'

i went to the mall and hung out at Baby Gap.
the little clothes are just too frickin cute.
so that i wouldn't look completely insane by stalking the store, i bought 4 outfits for my goddaughter and a pack of onesies.
i had to.
my uterus said so.

i went to wallyworld to re-stock up on babywipes and febreze and almost beat up a 9 year old.
in the goddamn candy aisle.
i was about to grab some toblerone and this little fucker pushed me and said "move out da way, girl. don't you see me tryna get dis candy?"
i just stood there thinking 'the fuck? rude ass little boy.'
his little short ass was like "lil girl, i said MOVE!"
maternal instinct went out the window and right when i was about to choke the shit out of him, his mom came around the corner yelling for him to get his ass "'way from ova durr."

gotta love them unedumacated negras.

when i came home, i had every intention of setting everything up but sleep was much more appealing.
so yeah, i went with that.
i didn't see it but i know J inspected every inch of that stupid truck when he got home.
he must've been highly pleased that i didn't scratch or dent anything cause the head was lovely.
that's the most heavenly way to be woken up by your significant other.
if he'd have said "dinner's ready" when he was done, then i would've......well, i don't really know what i would've done.
i've always been the one to say it, not hear it.
maybe one of these days i'll find out. [HINT!]

and yeah, new layout.
i don't know how it looks in IE.
i don't really care.
if you're still using IE, you should probably stop.



Sunday, June 11, 2006

    no place for beginners or sensitive hearts

fuckathon oh-six has come to an end.
and i couldn't be happier.
that type of shit should definitely happen only once a year.

i have a rugburns everywhere.
on my knees and elbows.
my ass.
i have a nasty scrape on my lower back from the kitchen counter.
a slightly dislocated hip.
i'm pretty sure i have a concussion.
too many hickeys, bite marks, and bruises to count.
my back is killing me.
and i have one annihilated reproductive system.
but it was SO fucking worth it.

it's not that i'm a freak.
i'm just really turned on by J all the time.
i can't help it.
everything about him makes me melt.
the boy can just look at me and my panties disappear.
and i simply cannot resist the dick.
it's not just a dick.
the length and girth are too perfect.
it's a cock.
a wonderful, glorious cock.
i love it like it's my firstborn child.


you know that saying "it's not the size of the boat that counts. it's the motion of the ocean"?
i call bullshit.
size matters.
if you've got all the goodies but can't work it, it's still all good cause men can be taught how to move to the groove.
a man with 5 inches can have all the motion in the ocean he wants but he still can't hit all the spots an 8 or 9er can.
it should be a crime.

..::J, seriously, that's enough ego-stroking to last your ass a lifetime.
you're gonna need it cause when you're pushing 60, i'm not touching no old wrinkly balls just to keep your ass happy::..

speaking of getting old, i bet old ladies and crackheads with no teeth give the best head.
they ain't got nothing getting in the way!
i have totally digressed.
my bad.

we broke the papasan but that sumbitch was about to collapse anyway.
2 lamps and some other minor stuff got broken too.
fucking up against the refrigerator while cereal is falling on your head = bliss
the door in the laundry room was slightly hanging from the hinges but J fixed that yesterday.
we're definitely getting new living room furniture cause no amount of cleaning or febreze will undo the damage we've done.
don't tell anyone though.


last night, J was spooning me, kissing the back of my neck just the way i like it, and fondling my naughty bits.
i so wanted the penetration but my giney needed some *alone time* so i had to tell him to stop.
i kinda felt bad.
but then he said a typical male thing so i stopped feeling bad:

"Come on. Just let me stick the head in."

let you stick the head in?
mmkay, now, if i let you stick the head in, there's nothing stopping you from going all the way.
douche and a half.
how 'bout you give ME some head and we'll call it a night, k?
good doggy.

oh, some other crazy shit he did.
while were in the grocery store this morning, this little old lady asked J to help her put a case of bottled water in her basket.
now J has issues with old people.
yeah, i don't get it either but he does.
anyhoos, after he put the thing in her basket, she tried to give him a pat on the back and thank him or whatever.
he didn't want her to touch him so he pushed the woman's hand away and goes "Oh, I like your pearl necklace."
i'm thinking "oh gawd no" cause i know what he's about to say.
he goes "i gave my girl three of 'em last night."
and the little old lady just smiled and said "that's so sweet" and went on about her business.

yep, my guy's definitely a keeper.


today, i've been watching the odyssey and finishing up all the half-ass cleaning i did yesterday.
i think i have like two more loads of laundry to do, in addition to folding the 5 other loads i did yesterday.

i had planned on cooking dinner but some of J's friends from work and our old neighbor are coming over.
they're nice.
they have jobs.
they're not stupid frat boys.
they don't bring whiney girlfriends with them.
and that one kid knows all the choreography to "beat it".
i loverz him.
he's a big dancing dork just like me!
however, he only knows a little bit of the thriller choreography so he loses a few cool points.
but that's okay.
he's accumulated enough points to eat my food without me cussing him out.


i've been told by several people that i should stop having so much sex cause girls with a lotta mileage have *prominent* labia minora.
my libido is gonna come back to bite me in the ass.
i don't want a prominent labia minora!
i want my giney to stay cute and intact.
does this mean i should give up having sex at least twice a day?
but wait.
jenna jameson and some other porn stars have plenty of mileage and their gineys still look normal.
or have they had some *rejuvenation*?

happy fucking sunday.

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Friday, June 09, 2006

    canadians love me

i'm pretty sure 80% of my "regular" lurkers are from ontario.
seriously, stop it.

anyhoos, there won't be much updatage from yours truly this weekend, as my hubby and i are keeping up with our summer tradition of doing absolutely nothing but fucking each other's brains out.

since around 5:30p.m. yesterday, we've had sex 9 times.
we've still got a record to break, so....... gotta go.
see ya when i see ya.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

    nothing specific

i'm pretty sure one day i'll have it all together.
some day soon.
it's human nature.
to change.
some changes are depressing.
going from one extreme to the other.
it makes me unsure of things.
not really "things".
just me.
sometimes, i just don't know.

i like where we are right now.
not too fast.
not too slow.
at the right pace for us.

it's hard sometimes.
love, that is.
having to accept
and deal
with all the flaws and faults that comes with the person you love
and are in love with.
more so with me, than him.
it's an ongoing struggle.
being the one with all the issues
and having to be one being taken care of
when all i want is to take care of him.
but i know with him it's gonna be okay.

sometimes i forget how great i really have it.
the figurative "it".
i have everything i could possibly want.
and the things i don't have
i know i could get them.
i wish i could appreciate that more.

my mind is worn out.
from trying to adjust.
to everything.
severed ties.

i couldn't hold a constant mood if my life depended on it.
being so up and down.
it's exhausting.
there is one constant thing within it all.
from self-love to self-hate,
the passion is always there.

hate is so outrageous.
it has no heart.
it's the easy way out.

love is ambitious.
it has a mind.
it is demanding.

this is mine
you can't take it
i've got love


to my bestest:
i'm sorry the first post you have to read is semi-depressing.


see, all better.

luff yoooos!


to my oh-so-wonderful sister:
i'm telling mommy.


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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

    me in numbers

1. i like doing these things for some strange reason.
2. i'm a girl.
3. i have a cooter.
4. i play with it everyday.
5. i'd probably be a chronic masturbator if i wasn't having sex at least twice a day.
6. i say 'fuck' a lot
7. i don't really care what people think about me.
8. i say what everyone else is thinking, but are scared to say.
9. i like that about me.
10. i do, however, dislike myself more than i like myself.
11. i am my own worst enemy.
12. i'm self-destructive.
13. i care more about my significant other's happiness than my own.
14. i've been a very unhealthy, unstable person for most of my life.
15. i'm too aware of my own unhealthiness and instability.
16. i'm working on it though.
17. for love.
18. he makes me want to be a better person.
19. it scares me.
20. without him, i'm that unhealthy, unstable person i don't really care for.
21. i've been diagnosed with several mental disorders.
22. some of them aren't true.
23. i think all of the diagnoses are the reason i chose psych as my major.
24. college has been a waste of my time.
25. i wish i'd have figured that out long before i did.
26. if i weren't so close to finishing, i'd drop out.
27. i wanted to be a psychiatrist.
28. but then i didn't do so well in chemistry.
29. so i said, "fuck med school".
30. i was considering being a psych NP.
31. but i have no motivation to go through another 4 years of school.
32. my friends tell me i should be a relationship counselor or sex therapist.
33. i don't wanna go to school for it though.
34. i'd tell them all the same thing: men: stop being fucking cowards and be honest about what do and don't want from the relationship, including sex. women: stop being bitches, expecting men to know what the fuck you want. hell, some men can't even spell 'clitoris'. they sure as hell don't know where it is. COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION!
35. i like hoody weather.
36. i like loud music.
37. i like wearing hoodies while listening to loud music.
38. i like to dance.
39. i like to sing.
40. i like to sing while dancing.
41. i'm a much better dancer than singer.
42. currently: snap music.
43. i think most people are full of shit.
44. i dislike most people.
45. most people dislike me.
46. i don't really care though.
47. as my little brother says, "they hate me cause they ain't me"
48. i love that kid.
49. he scares old white ladies.
50. i have a headache.
51. i don't know if it's due to sleep deprivation or lack of food.
52. i was doing pretty well with the food thing
54. until i bought the scale.
55. the scale is evil.
56. but i can't get rid of it.
57. not yet.
58. i wish i could see what other people see [physically] when they look at me.
59. i just don't.
60. i think that's okay though.
61. it's one of the things i'm working on.
62. me.
63. it's a work in progress.


Monday, June 05, 2006

    welcome to my monday

i like routines.
they keep me sane.
i have a daily and nightly shower routine.
i have a routine for getting dressed.
i have a routine for doing my hair.
i have a routine for cleaning.
i have a routine for going to class.

my name is mimi and i'm a slightly [no] anal [sex] bitch. i will eat your babies.

when i come home after class, the first thing i do is take off my jeans.
maybe the shirt i'm wearing. depends how hot it is and whether or not i've started to perspire.
but the jeans are definitely coming off.

i go in the kitchen and make sure that asshole took the garbage out like i told him and get some water. i tend to not drink anything if i'm gonna be away from home for more than 3 hours. i don't wanna have to use a public restroom. i'm one thirsty bitch by the time i get home.

i go to my little desk and check my email.
all 5 accounts. just lovely.
i don't need no fucking penis enlargement.
i don't even have a penis!

then, i ponder whether or not i should let satan of her cage.
i do it just cause i don't want PETA on my ass.
those bitches are crazy.
i let the little bitch run around while i'm trying to find something to lounge around in. i usually go with some of J's boxers or sweats.
then i take the little fucker out.
of course that shit doesn't go down without a fight.

that little fucker be clawing and biting my wrists and shit while i'm trying to hook the leash to her collar. i'm telling you, one of these days that goddamn leash is gonna *break* and maya's stank ass is gonna go play in some traffic.
so, i spend about 15 minutes waiting on that prissy bitch to take a shit and i come back in and get in bed.
one of two things will happen:
either 1) i'll watch t.v. and blog and wait for J to come home or 2)take my ass to sleep and wake up before J comes home.

either way, i stop whatever i'm doing when J comes home.
that's how the dicknosis works.
lately, it's been more of the latter than the former though.
i like sleep.
sleep is gooooood.

when he gets home, he climbs into to bed with me.
i straddle him and take his clothes off while he's telling me about his day and i tell him how i hate people.
i never understand shit he's saying.
he knows exactly what i'm gonna say.
it works out fairly well.
once he's nekkid, we do the nasty and go to sleep.
what happens after we wake up really doesn't matter.
life is wonderful.

today, my routine was altered cause of some dumb bitch who refuses to move on with her life.

the day was going as usual until the dick donor came home.
we're in bed and i'm trying to get him out of those damn clothes cause i'm as horny as pitbull in heat and i wanna fuck.
his stupid phone rings.
i grab it and look at the caller id and he's like "who is it?"
"your little girlfriend"
he's like "tell her i died or something."
i pinched his nipple.
i don't like hearing that shit.

::little background info: the little girlfriend? that bitch Sam he dated when we were in high school. i don't like her. she doesn't like me. whatever. i don't really care about J talking to her cause the bitch just isn't on my level. he told me she's still pretty bitter about their little breakup or whatever because it was "all [my] fault". again, whatever. she's worse than that other little bitch that refuses to accept the breakup::

so, i answered his phone and when the bitch heard my voice, she hung up.
i chuckled and told J and he was like "whatever. blow me so i can go to sleep."
psh. i called the bitch back.
she answered.
Me: "Sam, do you wanna talk to J?"
S: "Um...yeah?"
M: "Yeah, that little schoolgirl shit? Cut it. 'kay?"

dead silence.

S: "We would still be together if weren't for you!"

dismount the horsey.

M:"Daaahhhling, if you really believe that, seek professional help. Immediately."
S: "We would!"
M: "Mmkay, let's break down your little "relationship" with J, shall we? We shall. First, the only reason he ever asked you out was because his first two choices were taken. Who was number one? Moi. Number two? Your best friend. Ooh, burn. Second, the reason he did pick you was because your friend told him you were an easy lay. Too bad you couldn't handle the dick. Tsk tsk. Such a turnoff. He was gonna dump you but you cried and made him feel bad. And as we all know, J's a little sweetheart so he let you hang on to that little label of "J's girlfriend" cause he felt sorry for you. Sweet as pie, yes he is. Now, do you need more specific accounts of him choosing me over you because he didn't want your sorry ass or is that sufficient enough for you to go kill yourself?"

she hung up.

i'm pretty sure she pulled her hair out or cried or something.
oh, and what was J doing during that conversation?
convulsing as he was trying to suppress his laughter.
silly bitch.
everyone knows i had that boy whipped long before she ever came into the picture.
i love being me sometimes.
team meems!

but oh no, shit didn't go back to the routine as it should have.

a little rewind:
today, i went to the bookstore to get J's and my books for our classes.
while i was there, i ran into one of my friends who just happens to be a basketball player.
we engage in some small talk and then he's like 'oh, i'll get your books for you. one of the perks of being an athlete is not having to pay for anything.'
i was like 'fuck yeah. i can spend that money on shit i don't need.' so i called J and asked him which book he needed so i could get it.

fastforward to this evening after that little bit with the girl stuck in 2003.

J: "How much were the books?"
M: "I don't know."
J: "Well, get the receipt so I can give you the money back."
M: "I didn't pay for 'em. D got 'em for me."
J: "The fuck you mean "D got 'em for me.""
M: "D got 'em. He gets shit for free so he got the books for me."
J: "Tell me you did not let some other guy pay for my shit."
M: "Babe, let it go. It's just a book."
J: "It's not about the fucking book, Mimi! It's about you letting some guy pay for yours and my shit. I take care of that."

he's too cute when he's upset.

M: "Testosterone overload or what?"
J: "Ya damn right. What the fuck do I look like letting some dude pay for not only my girl's shit, but mine too? You're out of your rabid-assed mind if you think that shit's gonna happen."
M: "I swear if you say "shit" one more time, I'm gonna spit in your fucking face."
J: "Fuck you."
M: "Psh. Fuck you."
J: "I plan to."
M: "Ugh. Whatever."

he was passionately pissed about the book thing.
fuck ovary punching.
he killed my baby makers.
for serious.
and what the fuck is with him making demands while we're fucking?
"whose is it?!"
"say you're gonna take those books back tomorrow!"
"i can't hear you!"
"fix me a sammich."

he's lucky i like him.

i got some of that good-sex sleep.
unfortunately, i slept too long so now it's 11:30 and my ass is wide awake.
of course that punk bitch is out like a fat chick in dodgeball.

what the fuck is he doing to sleep as well as he does?
he can take a four hour nap in the middle of the day and still go to bed when he normally does with no problem whatsoever.
that irks the fuck outta me.

where's my damn nyquil?


Sunday, June 04, 2006

    weekend stuff

forgive me blogosphere, for i have sinned.
it's been 3 days since my last post...
yeah, that's why me and Catholicism had to part ways.

on with the show:

stuff i hate

-ignorant black folks-
females, my hair is NOT A FUCKING WEAVE.
unlike you nappy-headed hoes, i've been genetically blessed with "good hair".
i don't think i'm better than you cause my chanel bag is real.
i KNOW i'm better than you just cause i'm hotter and more awesome than you'll ever be. :)

p.s. red and bleached blonde hair makes you look like booboo the fool.

men, and i use that term very loosely, the white boy IS hitting it right.
several times a day, in fact.
oh, and the dick?
it's long and thick.
just the way i like it.

p.s. gold teefasis make you look 100x uglier than you already are.
cut the shit.


-dumbass white people-
little girls, crunk does not mean "to be crazy and drunk", mmkay?
it has different meanings in different parts of the south but "crazy and drunk" ain't one of 'em.
my man doesn't want you.
he finds that white girl disease 'noassatall' highly unattractive.
also, stepping on my Roos will get your ass knocked the fuck out and i will laugh as the blood trickles from your little button nose.
i eat babies for breakfast, bitch.

p.s. 1998 called. she wants her butterfly halter tops back.

little boys, telling a Black girl you wanna "do" her just cause you've never "done it with a Black girl before", probably won't get you any closer to your goal.
also, if you have to drug a girl just to get some, you shouldn't be having sex anyway.
and finally, fucking little high school girls and bragging about it to your friends?
yeah, not cute.

p.s. the south will not rise again. let it go.


-greasy italians-
yo guido, lay off the fucking pomade.
it's not cute on the Gotti boys, it ain't for you either, baby.
although, that middle one, John.
i could teach him some thangs.


-paris hilton-
you're rich, although i hear otherwise.
why don't you get some kind of surgery on that fucked up eye of yours?
it scares the children.
your feet hooves, seriously, make me wanna eat my own vomit.


-creators/manufacturers of any lube that warms on contact-
ya know, i like to bring a little something extra into the bedroom every once in a while.
the man likes that kinky shit.
but oh my GAWD, do you people even test your product?
that shit BURNS my cooter!
i should sue you fatherfuckers.


-papa john and his fucking sweetreats-
yeah, on the commercial, the motherfuckers make the shit look like it's almost as big as a medium pizza.
well, it ain't.
it's not even the size of a personal pan pizza. it's a little piece of shit. FALSE FUCKING ADVERTISING.


-christian bale-
thanks to you i am no longer curious about uncut peenors.
yeah, i saw those stills of you naked, wielding a chainsaw.
your little ween looks like a turd trying to crawl back up into your anus.
maybe i'm being a little harsh.
you could be a grower, not a shower.
either way, EWWWW!


-my sister-
you dirty whore, don't you have a little boy to potty train?
stop assaulting my archives.

p.s i don't hate you but if you tell anyone about this blog, i will tell mom about the times [yeah, that's plural] you had sex in her bed.
and you know she will fly to ATL just to pimp smack you.


stuff i loverz

-my gorgeous fiance-
he's the bestest.
he spoils me rotten.


-my gorgeous tan-
my skin tone is almost the same color as my hair. okay, maybe not but my hair is like a caramel color and my tan is honey-ish.
i love it.
be jealous.


-my car-
it's clean, y'all!
if it weren't for J, it would always be as dirty on the outside as it is on the inside.
seriously, i've had it since december and it's been cleaned only 4 times and each time, J's done it cause he got fed up with it all the crap falling out every time he opened the passenger door.
my back seat is like a trash can.
"what? an empty coffee cup? throw it in the back?"


-hair clips-
cause when i don't feel like doing shit, which is always, i can just throw one of those little things in my hair and no one can tell i haven't touched the shit in two days.
i'm a little sensitive about my hair but some days, i just be like "man, fuck it".


-nekkid twister and whipped cream-
does this really need an explanation?
i get to relive part of my childhood, ride some dick, and satisfy my craving for something sweet all at the same time.


just in case you didn't catch the memo.
i love sex.
sex is great.
great sex keeps me a happy little lady.


this bitch is the epitome of the word 'fierce'.
love her photos, especially the ones with boyd.
loved her in X-Men.
i think she's fucking gorgeous and her body is S I C K!!!!
she's like an edgier gia carangi.
there are only three bitches i'd switch teams for.
omahyra is definitely one of 'em.


-new rw/rr challenge-
one of the three bitches i'd switch teams for.
she makes me proud to be a smart-mouth, shit-talking bitch.
"i don't wrestle. i beat bitches up."


-weekends like the one i just had-
they all should be this way.
we spent the days doing pretty much nothing but get massages, drinking champagne and laying out by the pool.
oh yeah, and "i was gettin some head. gettin-gettin some head."
and the nights were spent club-hopping and getting drunk as fuck.



Thursday, June 01, 2006

    my family is awesome

5 minutes ago.

Me: "Hello?"

C: "Tia, what you doin' girl?"

Me: "Nothing."

C: "Tia......You got a vaginey?"

Me: "What?"

C: "Do you got a vaginey?"

Me: "Yes, C. I have a vaginey."

C: *to her dad* "Daddy! My tia Mimi got a vaginey too! My tia D got a vaginey. My tia L got a vaginey. My grandma got a vaginey. Everybody got a vaginey!"

Me: "C, girls have vagineys and boys have penises."

C: "A penises?"

Me: "Yep, a penises."

C: *to her dad* "DADDY?! YOU GOT A PENISES?!"


C: "Uh oh. I gotta go."


I don't think I wanna know what the hell she asked him after she hung up.


    hey, baby you gon' eat yo' co'nbread?

last day of class today. thank fucking jeebus.

there's this chickadee. she's really quiet. the only time she really said more than two words was during the first day of class when that douche made us introduce ourselves. she had the thickest southern accent i'd ever heard but it was really cute. little country bumpkin. southern girls are the bestest.

but anyhoos, halfway through class, we have like a 20 minute break so people can go out to smoke, grab a snack or something from the vending machine, or whatever. the pixie chick always brings leftovers from home. she said it's cause she works nights and rarely gets to eat dinner, so she eats dinner in the morning and breakfast at night when she gets off from work. a little weirdo she is.

during the break, everyone [three guys and myself] who sits in the back row just stays in class to talk about our sexcapades. little pixie girl always run off to the break room to warm up her food and come back to vulgarity we spew. every now and then she'll let out a little giggle but she never joins in on the conversation. not that i blame her.
so today, i was late. i got there right as the class was breaking. it wasn't really a big deal cause it was the last day and tending to my beat-up vagina is more important.
i walked in, said 'hey' to all of the fellas and pixie girl. i figured last day of class, i'm gonna get this girl to talk so i was like "girl, what are you eating on today?"

she turned her little cute head around and smiled "Oh, I got some leftover beef stew and niggerbread my mom made yesterday. You want some?"

i just looked at her like 'the fuck did you just say?'
the two guys i was sitting next to said "oh my god, did she just say 'niggerbread'?

i was so taken aback all i could do was sit down in my little chair, drop my head down, and laugh in disbelief. she looked at me like 'what? i don't get it. what's so funny?'
so i was like, "sweetie, what is niggerbread?"
and she goes "oh, it's just cornmeal, flour, eggs, and milk. you know, niggerbread."
i was like 'honey, that's cornbread, not niggerbread. if i didn't think you honestly had no idea how offensive and insulting 'niggerbread' is, i'd come over there and kick you in your fucking neck right now.'
so she started crying and trying to apologize. and i was just like "don't bother. i'm not even mad cause you were obviously raised by some ignorant people."

and with that, i went from slightly amused to utterly disgusted so i left. i think if i'd stayed, i would've whooped that girl's ass after class was over. i'm gangsta like that.

so that i wouldn't feel like i wasted my gas, i did a little shopping. there aren't any really good clothing stores here so i have to shop while i'm already in the city or i won't do it at all.

shopping and i have a love/hate relationship.
when i find stuff that fits me perfectly right away, i love love LOVE shopping. i can shop for hours. when i have to try on 7 or 8 different pairs of jeans before i find one fucking pair that fits the way i want them to, i get store-rage. it's road rage except it happens when i'm in a store. and i know it's the sales associates job to ask if i need help, but if i'm having a store-rage moment, it's best if you don't say one fucking word to me. in fact, don't even look at me.
i will hurt you.
sometimes, the lovingness and store-rage can happen at the same place. i'll grab a pair of jeans, try them on and they fit my ass perfectly. but when i go to find the same exact pair of jeans and try them on, they. don't. fit. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

jekyll and hyde, bitches.
jekyll and hyde.

today was good though.
i got three pair of jeans from this cutesy little boutique, a bunch of junk form sephora, and some old band tees from the goodwill. is it wrong to bargain with them on a shirt that costs a $1.50 down to a buck? i didn't think so.

i stopped at walmart to get some bath towels cause i had throw away a bunch of them because of J throwing up everywhere the other day. i didn't get any towels though. somehow i ended up in that aisle with all the bathroom scales.
it was heavenly. body fat monitors, body fat analyzers, weight trackers. i wanted all of 'em. every single one of 'em. i wanted to stroke 'em and pet 'em and kiss 'em and hump 'em. oh my gawd, i was just creaming in my panties.

i couldn't get out of that store fast enough with my pretty new black lithium scale.
i came home and weighed myself 17 times.
i'd step on and step off and step on and step off and step on and one of those it said i was a pound heavier but it LIED so i stepped off and stepped back on it again and everything was right in the world again. I LOVED IT!
i've actually lost 3.5 pounds since the last i weighed myself and i loved that even more cause i love love love LOVE not feeling fat. i was so overcome with joy and love that i got a little light-headed and maybe passed out for a moment with my pretty new scale in my arms.

and when i came to, reading rainbow was on the tv. why is kunta still on reading rainbow?
i don't know either.
i've got my new jeans and my dirty goodwill shirts and my pretty new scale.
i love today, june 1st, 2006.
if it wasn't so damn hot outside, today would be perfect.
well, minus the whole 'niggerbread' thing.