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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

    joey greco is teh sex*

i still feel like shit.
my chest hurts from all the coughing.
Jay wants me to go see my general practitioner but i'm so tired of dealing with doctors. i'm with the OB every week to track baby girl's growth. that's stressful enough. i don't wanna deal with that prick with the fuzzy knuckles trying to give me a shot in the ass and telling me what i already know-- i have bronchitis. i've got my little humidifier, grape juicy juice, chicken noodle soup, and my blanket. i'll be fine. oh, there's the weirdo who's always touching me.
i'd smack the shit out of him and tell him to fuck off, but after last night's conversation about him feeling excluded (WTF???), i'm gonna play nice. he's been pretty chill throughout this whole pregnancy while i go from one extreme to another every other minute. i don't know what the hell happened yesterday though. we were going over a list of things to put in the overnight bag for the hospital and i told him i didn't really need his help and he snapped. he said i'm a control freak and i don't include him enough in all the baby business and some other stuff that hurt my feelings.

everything he said was true but he doesn't want to understand that he and i DO NOT and WILL NOT experience this pregnancy the same way. the health and safety of this baby rests primarily on me. he can go out and do whatever the fuck he wants without any [direct] consequences whatsoever to zoe. everything i do and have done since she was conceived matters. i know a big part of the reason she's still so small is because of all the drinking and smoking i did when i didn't know i was pregnant, so i'm harboring a lot of guilt because of that. that guilt is the reason i'm so controlling and rigid about anything related to baby girl now. being in control of something keeps me sane.
i appreciate everything Jay does and love him even more for it; i'd die without him. we both need really to work on looking at things from the other's perspective, though. i'm sure it would minimize the number of times he gets smacked in the face with the remote control significantly.

the reminds me of a stats phrase i absolutely abhor: significantly statistically different [or some variation of it]. i hated doing presentations where i had to say that cause i'd never say it right the first time.

oh, how i digress.

anyhoos, the boy and i are working on our issues. i still hate his parents. totally irrelevant but i really needed to get that out.

there's a chance of some icy rain and/or snow coming our way. is it wrong that i'm hoping the roads get really icy and nasty so Jay can't drive to memphis on friday and fly out to miami for the superbowl? i don't want him to leave me all alone for 4 whole days. i promise i'll double up on the blowjobs. i'll even swallow a little bit. JUST DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!!

did i mention i'm supposed to have another baby shower? i didn't? oh wells.
2 of my really good friends wanted to throw one for me. at first, i thought i would help just because i don't trust their planning skills. so the deal was for them to get together and get all the details worked out, run it by me, and they could go from there. not too difficult right?
these bitches have done nothing but argue. the only thing they agreed on was the date to have the shower. i've got enough shit to deal with so i just told them the whole thing was off. i put it in some not so nice words, but you get the point. no second baby shower. it's not a big whoop. we have everything we need and i could do without all that pink again.

* not really, but cheaters is fucking hilarious.

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Monday, January 29, 2007

    welcome to my monday

still sick.
nasty cough.
sore throat.
stuffy/runny nose.
the fever isn't bad though. the highest it's been is 101.3.
last time i checked it was 100.7.

went to the new doctor today. i absolutely LOVED him. he was so nice and made me feel so comfortable the whole time, unlike that other cunt. he's relatively young and i didn't see a wedding band so he's single or gay. i got a few blurbs on my gaydar, and i was waaaay too relaxed so i think he's gay.
he says zoe's probably gonna be a small baby but since all the prenatal tests i've had haven't come back with any bad results, she should be fine; but we really won't know for sure until she's here. big things come in small packages and my little girl is the bestest. i'm pretty sure he said something about my weight but i had to tune him out because i'd have gouged his eyes out with my big toe.

she was unbelievably adorable on the sonogram waving her little hand. the kicking was a little unpleasant but i still loved every single on of them. maybe she'll play soccer like her daddy. oh, and it looked like she was climbing the umbilical cord. now i know what that tingly, slightly odd feeling in my belly button is.

nuDoc was concerned about my back pain so he got his chiropractor buddy/partner/whatever to come up and check me out. i didn't really like him cause he didn't warm his hands before touching my bare back. but anyhoos, i gotta wear this stupid fugly support belt now cause "[i'm] so small and the extra weight isn't helping [my] current condition". i will admit my back does feel a lot better now, but this thing is NOT cute.

it's prison break/24 night, so my hubby and i have a date on the couch. he's attempting to make me some tomato soup and a grilled cheese sammich. [he kinda sucks at that though]



Sunday, January 28, 2007

    long weekend = long post

hi lovelies. how ya doin?

i'm doing okay. it's been a long weekend. i'm pretty tired. kinda sick. baby girl is doing her wiggle dance on my bladder.

the weekend recap:

friday night, we had some FRIENDS over. omg! people i like do exist! Jay thought it would be nice for me to be social with someone besides baby girl*, so we had a small set.

small set: 15 people max.
large set: 40 people max.
big-fucking set: infinite number of people allowed.

our sets are invite-only. so, if you don't get a text, the person next to you does, and you both know me, you're not that special. maybe next time, since we rotate people. a few of Jay's friends are actually pretty pissed at him because they didn't get invited. i don't really give a fuck because i don't like those douchebags.

anyhoos, it turned out pretty nice. baby girl put on a one-baby show for the crowd. i don't know if she was kicking to the beat of music or if she was ready for those bitches to stop talking to her, but she was STOMPING in there. the only way i can describe it is, make a fist and hit your open hand with the fist. she may be small but she's kicking ass.

everyone was talking about my boobs being huge. Jay wasn't too happy with that. i didn't really care. i'd be surprised if people didn't say anything. i was barely a B pre-baby business and now i'm a full D. and they look so perky.

there was one girl who kept saying "Awww, you are SO pregnant!" like everytime i did something. at first, it was because of the way i stand and walk-- arched back and all.
she said it again when i was leaning on Jay and told him i was kinda tired when he asked how i was feeling.
then again when i was in the kitchen eating some buffalo wings and cookies. i couldn't take that shit anymore so i snapped and was like "Bitch, know how pregnant I am! I'm due in 8 fucking weeks! SHUT UP!"

i was annoyed by a few people insinuating i'm a gold digger. they asked about my new car and i told them Jay bought it as a graduation gift. and they started singing the hook to that stupid kanye west song, "now i ain't sayin she a gold digger/but she ain't messin wit no broke niggas".
i'm not easily offended but i was offended by that shit. for one, i didn't ask for that car. the car i already have is just over a year old. second, Jay can't buy me anything i can't buy my damn self. i'm with Jay because he's hot and hung, not because he has money. duh.

besides those two incidents, i really did have a good time catching up with my friends. and they loved my food. people complimenting the food i cook makes my innards all warm and fuzzy.

after the mingling and dancing and whatnot, we played Taboo. it started out great. everyone was having a good time until the competitiveness kicked in. things got a little hostile.
it was the last round, it was my turn to be the giver, and all we needed was a point to win. just by chance, Jay and i were on the same team.

the word: touch.

so i go, "Jay, you're accosted for doing this to me dozens of times a day!"and he goes : "TOUCHING YOU!"

we win! yays!

someone from the losing team got very angry and started going off about how that's not fair because the clue was directed at one person and we're a couple so we have the advantage and blah blah blah and threw the damn timer at me. before i could say or do anything, Jay pounces on the kid.
it was funny, but it wasn't funny. i hate it when Jay gets into fights because i don't want him to get hurt or go to jail for hurting someone. but just seeing that boy leap over the couch and the look on that kid's face while Jay was mid-air was fucking hilarious. plus, they were all drunk. and drunken fights are always a fun way to end the night.


yesterday, Jay went to the v@ndy/ole miss game while i went to get all girlified with a couple of my fags who are looking to fill the position of "favoritest fag".
is that bad? i love them all but there can only be one favorite. my current favorite lives across the country and doesn't plan on visiting again until the summer and somebody's gotta do my hair for free until then.

i hung out with my goddaughter for a couple of hours. she has a cold but still so playful and sweet. she'd lay her little head on my belly, look up and go "baby?", and giggle. it was so cute. but then zoe was like 'fuck this shit' and kicked her in the face. not a direct kick, but she's packing a mighty punch.
Loo wasn't all smiles anymore.
in fact, she screamed.
and scared my baby.
and i wanted to choke her.
but i didn't.
i hugged her and let her give me nasty kisses. seriously, it was nasty. she sneezed and snot spewed everywhere including my face.
no chuck e. cheese's for you, lady.

what else.....
i don't remember.

i took a nap. i had a really weird dream about something but i don't remember it. i do remember it was weird though.

had some sex that didn't require me to be on top. yays.

besides that, nothing too exciting happened.

i was tired so Jay and i stayed in and watched movies all night. i got a back and belly rub and nice kisses. i actually fell asleep at a decent hour and slept for about 10 hours total. i think baby girl is still on the late night schedule though. there was lots of movement around 1am for about 45 minutes.

this morning i woke up with a sore throat and stuffy nose. just fucking lovely.
the stuffy nose is the worse because i've been having trouble breathing. i've had to use my inhaler twice already. hopefully, it won't get any worse because i don't wanna be in a hospital until the end of march when i'm in labor.

it's nap time but i'm trying to stay awake so i can go to bed early and maybe get a full night of sleep again. that probably won't happen though.


*baby girl is much more fun than any of those losers could ever be.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

    i think it's 'bout that time....

....for Jay and i to stop having sex.
that's gonna be difficult since we're both nymphomaniacs.
i really dislike that word, 'nymphomaniac'.
i prefer 'hypersexual'.

the more my body continues to change, the less comfortable i feel in my own skin.
my sexy is gone.
i'm sick of always being on top.
the sex doesn't really alleviate the back pain.
and i'm really sick of Jay squeezing my tits.

oral is still an option though.
cause that boy has talent.
i'll still blow him.
i like to give just as much as i receive.
i'm nice like that.

i'm lying.
the feelings i have regarding my sexiness, or lack thereof are true, but i'm still having sex until i'm told otherwise by a doctor.
and i really do wish he would stop squeezing my tits.
that shit hurts.

speaking of my tits, i was looking at myself all nekkid in the mirror, evaluating my situation earlier today, and realized i'm gonna have to get a boob job after breastfeeding.
not implants, but definitely a lift.
i'd rather not have saggy tits after all the baby business is done with.
depending on how the weight loss goes, there will probably be a tummy tuck in order.
i don't want my stomach looking like fried oatmeal.
yays! for more body image issues. /end sarcasm.

i took a crap today and it looked like dog food.
puppy chow.
it was kinda cool.
probably TMI but are you really shocked that i would write about my fecal matter?
i'm almost positive i've written worse things.

does anybody have any good remedies for pregnancy-related insomnia?
i'm so tired but i can never fall asleep before 4am, i sleep only 4 0r 5 hours, and take only 2 or 3 20 minute naps during the day.
nothing i've tried has worked.
-the full body massages from Jay don't help. they're quite lovely. i even get happy endings. but i still lie awake in bed for hours when it's over.
-baths w/ lavender oil doesn't help. i smell really nice though.
-yoga doesn't do anything but make me gassy.
-the only exception is taking the benadryl, but i don't want to make that a regular habit just to get some sleep.

i wonder if my serotonin levels are low.
it would explain the depression and disruption in my sleep pattern.
one would think with having battled with depression due to low serotonin for years AND having a degree in psych/child studies i'd have thought of this right away.
oh wells.
better later than never, right?
so, i should probably add sliced turkey breast and bananas to the grocery list.

there are some midgets on tv doing an infomercial about real estate entrepreneurship or something.
that reminds me of this one time Jay and i were drunk downtown somewhere and we saw a midget.
it was hilarious.
not because the guy was a midget but because Jay and i are idiots.

Me: *gasps & points* "LOOK! IT'S A MIDGET!" [fuck you. it was the first time i saw a midget and i was drunk.]

Jay: "And he's not just a midget. He's a MEXICAN MIDGET! I didn't even know Mexicans made midgets.

Me: "Mexicans make midgets. That's alliteration."

Jay: *gasps* "YOU CAN READ!"

Me: *smacks Jay* "That's 'literacy', dumbass."

yep, a match made in idiocy.

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

    git it, girl.

i have gas.
and a headache.
i'm kinda hungry too.

i'm pretty sure i have insomnia because i got no fucking sleep last night.
from midnight to 2am, i was okay because i really wasn't sleepy, so i played some games online and chit-chatted with some folks on AIM while baby girl was getting her boogie on to Prince.
2:30 i was starting to feel tired so i went in the nursery and sat in the rocker for like 20 minutes to chill out the little one.
finally went to bed but i couldn't fall asleep.
i think part of it was because i was sorta kinda mad at Jay because his big, oh-so-exciting news was for him and not for me, but that doesn't really explain every other bight i haven't been able to sleep.
::silently screaming::

anyhoos, stupid, exciting news [part 1]: the company he interned with this past summer has offered him a job after he graduates.

i'm pretty sure normal people would be really fucking ecstatic about that shit, but i'm not normal and him working right after graduation is not what we agreed to. therefore, Mimi is not ecstatic and will not be very pleased with Jay if he takes the offer.


one clue:

it ain't me.

part 2 of that big idiot's big, oh-so-exciting news. his dad *gags* just got back from some consulting job with some big shot business exec. big shot business douchebag gave his dad tickets to the superbowl and offered to send his private jet to fly him and whomever down to miami.

big whoopty-fucking doo. i don't give a fuck.
i am pregnant, paranoid, and co-dependent. Jay being gone for a whole weekend, hundreds of miles away, in a city overflowing with gorgeous, non-pregnant women is not very appealing to me. i don't care if it's the superbowl and his favoritest player ever is playing in it. i don't want him to go, so he can't go. end of discussion.
but of course, y'all know it wouldn't be Jay & Meems if it didn't turn into a stupid fight. and like all our fights, it's never really about the actual disagreement we're having. it's about who has the most control in the relationship, which is me. duh. however, i really wasn't in the mood to argue with him so he can go to miami and have a gay ol' time. but when he comes back, his punk ass will be on house arrest indefinitely. he can't do shit but go to school, come home, and go to taco bell whenever i say.


had a doctor's appointment this morning. minus baby girl still being on the small side, the little one appears happy and healthy. i talked to the doc about my insomnia but she didn't suggest anything i haven't already tried.
i also asked for a referral to another OB because i'm sick of that wench. my first visit with the new doc is on monday. i was really surprised i was able to get an appointment so soon. i'm not all that stoked about it being a male doctor. i prefer the person looking up my cooter have the same anatomy as i, but he at this point it doesn't really matter.

after the doc's visit, we went to the childbirth class. didn't go very well. it wasn't really the information that bothered me this time, i actually knew the stuff the nurse midwives were talking about. it was being there with a group. something about sharing this particular learning experience with other pregnant couples just rubbed me the wrong way. it didn't feel right. maybe because i'm a selfish asshole. i don't know. i told Jay i'd be more comfortable having private, in-home sessions, so that's where that whole deal is going. do they advertise that in the yellow pages?

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

    two for tuesday

i'm having a better tuesday than monday.
i got another 7 hours of sleep last night. yays.
i didn't like the groggy feeling this morning though.
and my back is still hurting, but not as bad as before.

i'm almost done with washing all the baby's clothes. i think there's 2 more loads and the blankets left.
i need to hit up the produce market cause we're almost out of fresh fruits.

this whole nursery furniture situation is really starting to bug me so i think i'm gonna try again with milliondollarbaby. the main reason i really want the furniture from there is because they have EVERYTHING and it was my first and only pick for the nursery decor. however, they are some incompetent assholes so if it doesn't work this time i'll just order from target.
besides that, the only thing we have left to buy are the bassinet, car seats, and a bouncer or swing [maybe both], and Jay still needs to finish childproofing the house. then we'll be pretty much set until the little karate kid gets here. oh, i still need to sterilize all those bottles. i'll make Jay do it.

this baby business is pretty damn stressful and time consuming.

i just got a text from Jay saying he has really good news but he can't tell me until he gets home. i really hate it when he does that. i'm a nosey bitch. don't say you have something to tell me if you're not gonna tell me right away. that's so fucking annoying.

i know i said hell would freeze over before my blog turned into one of those god-awful mommy blogs [or something of that effect], but i feel like that is exactly what's happening. and i don't really like it. like, right now, i feel the need to write that zoe has the hiccups and i just got the kick where she lets me know it's time for food. that makes me nervous and frustrated. i don't have a somewhat-interesting life anymore. it's all baby stuff. i don't know. i feel like i'm a completely different person. one of which i'm not really ready to be. this shit makes sense in my head but not so much as i'm typing it.

the point is.....i don't know what the point is.
i have to pee.

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    miserable monday pt. 2

well, it's kinda tuesday now but that's not really important.

my back is still hurting like hell but i finally got some sleep.
Jay called my doctor to see what i could take, if not for the pain, then for the restlessness.
he cussed out the receptionist first because she wouldn't put him through to the doc right away. it really wasn't the receptionist's fault. he was a little hostile because i'd smacked him 5 or 10 times within the hour for touching me. i know he has good intentions, but today just was not the fucking day.
anyhoos, he went to walgreens and got some benadryl for me.
i'm very apprehensive about taking any kind of medicine because i don't wanna put baby girl's health at risk. and i was doing great until today. i just couldn't take it anymore. i was ready to blow my fucking head off because of the pain and discomfort.

so, i got 7 hours of sleep and it's been almost 10 hours since i took that benadryl, so it should be okay to take another one so i won't be up all night. right????
Jay has class tomorrow so he's already asleep and i don't have anyone to keep me company; not that he would considering the abuse he's taken today. maybe i'll play some spades online.
i have a lot of baby clothes to wash so by the time he gets home tomorrow, i'll be able to take a nap with him and then bug him to go on a taco bell and mcdonald's run.

sounds like a plan.

Monday, January 22, 2007

    miserable monday

just fucking terrible.
i'm tired and in excruciating pain.
i was up all night crying cause my back hurts so much.
it feels like someone's using my spinal nerves as their own personal harp--- just flicking away.
it hurts to lie down.
it hurts to sit up.
it hurts to stand up.
it's hot as hell in this fucking house.
i have to pee every 10 minutes.
this little baby keeps punching and kicking me in the gut and it's not fun anymore.
i'm gonna lose my fucking mind if the rest of my pregnancy is gonna be like this.



Sunday, January 21, 2007


that was my baby shower.
it was everyfuckingwhere.
it was so disgusting it gave me a migraine.

i knew it was gonna be a long day when we turned the corner of my street and i could see dozens of pink balloons floating in the air.

"Jayson, turn the car around. We're going back home."
"It won't be that bad."
"LOOK AT THIS SHIT! This bitch has bought every pink balloon in the fucking city! I'm not going in there!"
"I just drove three damn hours for this. I know you don't wanna be here, but your mom and my mom have been planning this for weeks. You're getting your ass outta this car and you will pretend to enjoy this baby shower whether you like it or not."

he's so sexy when he thinks he's in control.

anyhoos, i walked in the house and the first thing my mom does is lift my sweater and cuss me out for not wearing maternity jeans.
i just can't do it. that big elastic pouch makes me cry. as long as i'm wearing maternity tops and regular jeans that i can't zip up, i don't feel as fat. fuck some maternity pants.

i had the most horrible headache throughout the whole shower but it turned out okay i guess.
i let my mom and J's mom register us at Target cause i figured it would be reasonable pricing for everyone who wanted to buy stuff, and so the moms wouldn't get too carried away with whatever they wanted to get. i told them both not to get any major stuff because Jay and i wanted to be the ones to buy all of that stuff and i prefer being the one to spend ridiculous amounts of money on things for baby girl.
everyone pretty much got everything i/they asked for on the registry and/or bought gift baskets-- monitors, diaper genies, bottles, layette, safety stuff, mobiles, etc. things that don't cost a considerable amount of money and we'll use everyday. they were there for the free food and drinks though. by the time the shower was supposed to start everybody was drunk so they didn't give a damn about no fucking games or pictures or any of that shit. they were like, 'i bought you this, this, and this. now, where's my cup?' that was perfect for me because i got to sneak off for some sex and a nap.

after everyone left, Mama V and M gave us their gifts.

now, i expected them to be a little extravagant. that's just who they are. my mom spoils the shit out of my niece and nephew. Little C is quite the label whore already. and this is Mama M's first grandchild so she's obviously gonna be a little indulgent.


these bitches don't follow instructions very well. they need to be banned from online shopping. fo reals.

i think they had some sort of agreement on who bought what because there were no duplicates, but they got like x amount of whatever item they bought. so it was basically who can spend the most money on meaningless crap.**

i've got 6 fucking diaper bags. apparently you need one for when you and baby are going for the casual look; it's your everyday bag. one for when you and baby are out on the town; baby's gotta have fierce accessories too. and daddy has to have his own bag. it's actually called a "dad bag". but of course, they get worn out so you gotta have backups and they have to be from a different designer. shit, i was more excited about the cute little onesies and booties that filled the bags than the actual bags.
i've got a stupid burberry stroller which i absolutely abhor. 1) we already have a stroller and 2) i don't even like burberry. oh yeah, i've got an endless supply of burberry baby blankets.
velour baby sleeping bags. WTF?
carriers, slings, and wraps. oh my! and of course, Jay gets his own slings and wraps because he's so fucking special.
there's tons of other unnecessary crap but i don't think i can write about it without spontaneously combusting.
all my nerves.
i was so fucking happy when we left to come back here. but not without stopping by Jack Pirtle's for some biscuits and gravy first. they really should have one of those in nashville.
after stuffing my face, i pretty much slept the whole drive back. Jay gave me evil looks because i drooled on his precious leather seat.

so, we get home and he's unloading the car and i'm looking for the camera so i can start scrapbooking the baby shower pictures. i couldn't find it so i blamed it on him and made him feel bad because there's gonna be a whole section missing in the baby scrapbook.

turns out it was actually my fault. he gave me the camera before we left our house, but right before we pulled out of the driveway, i went back in the house to pee and i had the camera in my hand. so yeah, the camera was left in the bathroom the whole time. it's not my fault though. i have a whole baby sitting on my bladder and being pregnant makes me forget stuff.
however, zoe will hear the version where it's her daddy's fault and the whole thing could've been avoided had we just not gone to memphis and i could've been at the chippendales show instead.

**my mom totally won. =)

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Friday, January 19, 2007

    i ♥ toaster strudel

ok, first and foremost, taco bell and peach cobbler do not mix very well. it does not matter that you've been eating 2 soft taco supremes, 2 crunchy taco supremes, and nachos damn near everyday for the past 5 months or that your peach cobbler is the stuff dreams are made of.
you are NOT immune to the effects of letting that shit marinate in your stomach and intestines at the same time.
i had swamp ass for 3 whole hours last night fucking with that shit.


i spent yesterday morning and afternoon in the city. STILL looking for the perfect nursery furniture.

i've been told i'm being too damn picky but it's not my fault all these stores have crappy furniture. why is it sooooo wrong for me to want my baby to have the best of everything? granted, she won't really know the difference but i will. and i can't be putting my baby in any kind of crib all willy nilly. i've got standards and i've yet to find a store that meets them. well, i did but they're a big stank bag of douche.

anyhoos, after not accomplishing my goal of the day, i went to campus to have a nice little lunch with Jay. instead, i was constantly approached by frienemies and strangers wanting to rub my belly.

reason #63887 i hate people: they say stupid shit like, "OH MY GOD! YOU'VE GOTTEN SO BIG!" and "OH MY GOD! YOU'VE GOTTEN SO BIG!"

i'm well aware of my big-ness. i do not need you to tell me how big i've gotten since you last saw me ESPECIALLY when it was just last month. asshole.

i really needed some retail therapy after that, but i remembered how depressing trying on clothes is now so i just went home and took a nap. napping is always good.
when i woke up, Jay was home so that made me feel better. it's nice having someone make you feel like the most beautiful, sexiest woman alive when everyone and everything else makes you feel the exact opposite.


today's a lazy day. it's almost 1:00 and i still haven't showered.
my back hurts a lot. it really sucks not being able to take anything for all the aches and pains i have.

tomorrow, we're going to memphis for the baby shower. honestly, i'm not really looking forward to it. i kinda wanna call my mom and tell her to just fed-ex everything to me and i'll send everyone thank you cards. i don't particularly care to be around those people, especially when Jay's not gonna there with me to keep me sane.

i need a back rub.


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

    hump day

it's only wednesday.
i'm so fucking exhausted from the past several days.
baby girl does a wonderful job of making me as uncomfortable as possible when i'm mad at J. if she only knew the shit he's put me through.

i just thought of something: this blog is private. y'all are the "chosen ones" and already know his name. why am i still abbreviating this shit?

anyhoos, that asshat and i made up early tuesday morning. part of the reason i finally gave him and talked to him was because i love him and i'm willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship to work. i need him more than ever, now. but the other part was because i really wanted to fuck and go to sleep. i'd been up since 8 am monday morning with only about 4 hours of sleep the night before and about 5 hours the previous night.

we had some great makeup sex but i didn't get much sleep after it was over because Jay felt like he needed to bear hug and spoon me and caress my belly for FOUR GODDAMN HOURS to make up for the 3 days i refused to let him touch me and feel baby girl's kicks. ugh. i was so fucking happy he had to leave and go to class. breathing all on my neck. that shit ain't cute no more.

so, yesterday was spent catching up on sleep. i thought i'd be well-rested and rejuvenated by the time he got home, but that didn't really happen. he was tired and i was still tired so we slept until 11:30pm so we were up all night again. at least it wasn't because we were fighting. it wouldn't have been as bad if i didn't have a doctor's appointment at 8:30 this morning and the childbirth class at 11.

i fucking hate my ob/gyn. she's such a dry cunt. 90% of the time i'm there, i get bad news and i leave there in tears because i'm scared for my baby or pissed because she's so fucking unpleasant or both. i know everything isn't gonna be roses but her attitude towards me makes everything a thousand times worse. i don't know if she's just like this with me or all her patients but she's not friendly or comforting or anything. just terrible tammy. and you'd think when you're getting a "nonstress test" you wouldn't be stressed but that bitch makes damn sure you are.
i really wanna switch to another doctor but i don't know if i should since we're so close to my due date. plus, i'd rather not have a new person touching and looking around my naughty bits.

moving on...
childbirth class....i didn't like it primarily because i went in feeling like i knew what to expect from labor and delivery and all that jazz and the class would just keep everything fresh, but i walked out feeling really stupid and unprepared for everything. the entire time Jay had that stupid confused look on his face and i had to sit on my hands just to keep from smacking the shit our of him. and this was just the first class. i don't think i wanna go through that for 5 more weeks. i'll go next week but if i feel the same way, those bitches better be prepared for a showdown cause i'm leaving but not without my $150.

i'm so fucking sleepy but i'm trying to stay awake at least until 8 or 9 so that i can be back on a somewhat regular sleep schedule. i wanna catch american idol since i missed it last night, but from what i've been told i didn't really miss much because it sucked monkey nuts. is that shit on youtube yet? i would take a 30 minute nap but whenever i tell Jay to wake me up at specific times, he doesn't do it because i was "so tired and looked really cute".

i really want some pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and mayonnaise. oooh! and oreos with some crunchy peanut butter. and sleep.

we have really stupid weather. just the other day it was 70 freakin degrees. then yesterday it was like 30 and the same today. stop warming the globe, people! y'all are fucking up my winter!

yeah, that's all i got. i need a nap.

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Monday, January 15, 2007

    big girls don't get mad. they get even.

it could be the hormones, but i really don't like J right now. not even a little bit.
since he feels like he can stay out all fucking night while i'm stuck at home, i felt the need to prove him wrong.

i went out last night and had a gay ol' time with my friends. not only did i ignore every single phone call from him, i made sure everyone i know told him they didn't know where the hell i was. and the best part? i didn't come home at 4am and attempt to crawl in bed so i wouldn't wake that asshole. i didn't bother to come home at all. at least not until i'd had breakfast with friends, did some shopping for my baby girl, saw a movie with friends, had lunch with friends, and went to the park and sit in my car to do some thinking.

just imagine the joy i felt when i walked through the door and the first words out of his mouth were "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? IT'S ALMOST 2:00 IN THE AFTERNOON! I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! [insert more bullshit i couldn't possibly care less about here]"

unfortunately for him, i have the ability to piss him off and scare the shit out of him at the same time by simply ignoring his dumb ass. if it wasn't for his immature bullshit, i wouldn't have to be so petty and vindictive. it's like every couple of months he gets out of pocket so i have to whip his ass back into shape.

while i was thinking about stuff at the park, i decided that asshole does not have anymore "get out of jail free" cards. it's pretty obvious our little girl and i are not number one on his list of priorities, so he shouldn't be at the top of mine.
maybe reality has set in and he doesn't like what he sees so he's trying to reassure himself his [social] life isn't over; but i will leave his ass and never ever let him see his little girl. she deserves much better than what he's offering right now-- being an asshole who refuses to grow up.

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Sunday, January 14, 2007

    fuck a title

i'm pissed off.
it's fucking january and it's 70 degrees outside and i can't fit any of my really cute spring/summer-ish clothes.

i can't find a store with ben & jerry's half baked ice cream in stock.

i have a terrible headache thanks to the douchebag who thinks there's nothing wrong with staying out until 4 in the fucking morning with not so much as a goddamn phone call when he's got a pregnant and paranoid fiance at home waiting up for his stupid ass AND his dumbass mom who's trying to invite stupid racist redneck assholes to my baby shower.

i don't know where the hell my newest ipod is.

and i'm wearing 2 different uggs.

somebody's getting a lamp thrown at their head before the day is over.

Friday, January 12, 2007


good doggy: even though i ruined his clothes, the man came home from his first day of classes with taco bell and season 1 of martin in tow. *happy dance*

bad doggy: after i'd just spent 20 minutes trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, that motherfucker wakes up wanting some sex.

now, i'm not one to turn down sex, but why couldn't he ask for it when i first got in the damn bed? i know he felt all that moving around i was doing.

i still put out though.
and teh sexx was mmmm mmmm good.


i went to get my nails done today. that all went fine cause they always give me a face mask thingy so baby isn't exposed to that shit. my only problem is that i never know what those damn asian women be saying about me and i know they're talking shit.

then i went to get my hair trimmed. this shit grows so fast now. anyhoos, about midway through the trim, the girl sitting in the next chair starts getting her hair bleached.
ruin your hair.
but i don't wanna be inhaling that shit so i asked to move to another chair, preferably next to someone not getting harsh chemicals schlacked on their hair.
the bitch doing the bleaching cops an attitude and mumbles "it is a hair salon, ya know."
very politely, i turn and say "excuse me, bitch? what'd you just say?"
and she's all "i didn't say anything" and dadadada.
so, i was like, "bitch, don't get it twisted. just like this is a salon, i will whoop your ass."
and right when the roast was about to get good, rico's punk ass starts flailing all over the place, "sit down! this isn't good for the baby!"

gotta love the fags.

but had that heifer kept her fucking mouth shut, that whole scene would've never taken place. it'd be different had i made big ordeal about sitting next to the bitch getting her hair bleached, but i didn't say a word to that skank. i asked the person doing my hair if we could move. bitch is lucky i wasn't feeling vindictive or i i'd have slashed her tires.


the hubby and i have a date tonight.
dinner and a movie.
nearly 4 years [minus the 6 month break] together and he still asks me out on dates. it's so cute. i don't know where we're going for dinner but we're going to see alpha dog. it better not suck. i can't even remember the last movie we saw in the theaters that hasn't sucked. i really wanna see the pursuit of happyness because i loved the book, but i'm sure i'll cry the whole time so i gotta wait until it's out on dvd.
damn hormones.


it's definitely time for a nap.

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Thursday, January 11, 2007


i was just reading my little pregnancy week-by-week "guide".
it said i should have "gained as much as 24 pounds by now".

i'm going to attempt to take solace in that my sister gained almost 70 pounds while she was pregnant and that bitch doesn't even look like she had a damn near 10 pound baby now.

i will not cry.
i will not cry.
i will not cry.
i will not cry.

okay, i need a moment......


J's gone to class.
he won't be home until like 4:30.
he's been gone only 2 hours; we've talked twice and texted a bunch since then, but i miss him.
i don't know how i'm gonna deal with him being in school and me being home alone with a newborn.
i don't know how he's gonna deal with being in school and having a newborn at home period.
i'm good with babies.
i was practically a mom to my niece until she was 2, but it's different when it's your own baby.
and i'm not the most mentally stable person, what if i go into postpartum depression after she's born?

we've talked about having a live-in nanny but i don't trust people.
i especially wouldn't trust a stranger to live in my house and take care of my baby.
the moms have individually offered to stay with us for 6 weeks after she's arrived, but i can barely stand them for a weekend; 6 weeks ain't happenin.
i've had a couple of friends offer to help out as well, but i don't know.
i don't want people touching and breathing all over her and trying to take my place.

oh, new day.
new stressors.


has anyone had any problems checking gmail?
my inbox is refusing to open for some reason.
so, if you've emailed me in the past 12 hours and i haven't replied, it's not that i don't love you.
gmail is being a big bitch right now.


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Wednesday, January 10, 2007


-- J was not very happy with me after i told him what i did [see previous post]. at first he was like "who the fuck does shit like that?" then i was like "but it's really good blogging material" and he was like "fuck that fucking blog!" and proceeded to have an aneurysm. so after i cried and made him feel bad, we made up and laughed about it.
today, was first day of classes for him. his actual classes are tuesday/thursday but he had to meet with someone about his independent study class. he's so jealous i graduated before he will. oh wells. he'll get over it. this is his last semester. [and he's gonna be a daddy in 2 months!] i thought i'd be happy to get rid of him for a few hours, but i miss his stinkin ass.

-- this month and the first half of february are gonna be really busy.
*i have 2 baby showers. one of which i'm helping plan cause i don't trust them hoes to do it right.
*childbirth classes start next week. that shit is for 6 weeks. i see myself dropping out in week 3.
*we have to finish the nursery. i thought i was gonna be okay with us just winging it, but everything has to be ready and perfect before baby girl's highly anticipated arrival.
*oh, there's the hospital tour. i don't really care about the hospital. i've been there plenty of times so i trust the people at VMC to take care of me and the little one. my biggest concern is actually making it to the hospital in time. we live about 30 miles away from the hospital. we're not leaving this house as soon as contractions start. i'm not gonna be sitting in no damn hospital in labor for 2 days trying to have this baby. 5 minutes apart. no sooner. no later. the problem is n@shville's traffic. it doesn't matter what time of day it is, 65 and 40 will be backed up. on any given day, it would take us an hour to get in the vicinity of campus. also, there's a chance i'd have to drive myself if J's in class. gah, there's so much stuff to think about. it's giving me heartburn.
*i have to spend one weekend with my niece before having this baby. she's convinced herself i don't love her anymore cause there's a baby on the way and everyone's making a big deal about her. she was not this fucking difficult to deal with when my sister was pregnant. but i am/was her favorite aunt. what is we gon' do?

-- why is that when i tell people about the nursery furniture issue, they feel the need to suggest i may be going overboard and that target has plenty of crap to choose from? YOU can buy all the shit from target you want, but she's mine and she's gonna have nothing but the best. spoiled rotten. DEAL WITH IT!

-- time for food.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

    the great bleach spill of 2007

i did something that was sorta kinda bad and wrong but i didn't do it intentionally so it's not entirely my fault. okay,well, the initial incident wasn't my fault. it's everything i've done since aforementioned incident that's kinda bad and wrong.

see, what had happened was, i was doing laundry and being as obsessive compulsive as i am, i have lots of laundry baskets [12 to be exact] designated for different loads:
-J's coloreds [something about that doesn't sound right]
-J's whites
-J's underwear
-my coloreds
-my whites [heh heh heh]
-my underwear
-colored towels
-white towels
-colored linens
-white linens
[the other 2 are for baby girls' coloreds and whites]

okay, so, i finished washing all the colored clothes but you know you can only fit so much in the dryer at once so there were a couple of baskets with J's stuff in my goddamn way that still needed to be dried.

there i was minding my own business, bleach in one hand, little measuring cup in the other. i was getting ready to start a load of whites in the wash when all of a sudden i felt a little light-headed. well, i had to catch my balance and something i had to go. and it was the bleach.

right in the basket with all of J's colored clothes.

now, the logical thing to do is grab the bottle before it does too much damage. and that's what i attempted to do but baby girl decided it would be really funny to kick mommy as hard as she can in the ribs causing mommy to drop the bleach onto daddy's clothes AGAIN. only this time gravity was not on my side and every. last. drop. of bleach spilled out onto those clothes.

i thought maybe the few shirts on top would soak up the bleach and the rest of the clothes would be safe. J has a lot of clothes. he wouldn't miss 2 or 3 shirts.

nuh uh.

there wasn't a single piece of clothing in that basket that didn't have some bleach stain on it. all of his favorite tennessee football t-shirts? ruined.
those stupid graphic t-shirts from hollister he loves oh-so-much? ruined.
his cute polo shirts? ruined.
those sweatpants i love to wear cause they're warm and snuggly and i look really cute in 'em? ruined.

i had to do what anyone in my flip flops would do: get rid of the evidence.
lucky for me, the man was taking a nap cause he's slightly hungover from last night and smoked a bowl so he could sleep it off. so, i was able to sneak around the house for supplies and take everything out to the trash without him noticing.

it's hard to be a ninja when you're pregnant but i did it. even with that stupid dog trying to sabotage me by barking and howling as loud as she could. i deserve a damn award for that shit. i'm 7 months pregnant and that shit was heavy. it's a good thing all of my neighbors have jobs and shit cause i'm pretty sure i looked like i was disposing a dead body since i was wearing rubber gloves and a face mask. but fuck, i wasn't gonna be inhaling no bleach fumes and fucking up my manicure for nobody.

right when i'm about to sit down and take a breathrt, this motherfucker comes downstairs.
"Babe, why does it smell like bleach in here?"
"Huh?" [i'm so trying to think of a good lie]
"It smells like bleach in here."
"Oh, that's just cause i put a load of whites in the wash."
"Damn, did you pour the whole fucking bottle in? you can smell it as soon as you walk downstairs."
[fuck! why'd he have to wake up?!] "Okay, i'll open the window in a sec."
"That's alright I'll do it."
"Damn, I said I'll do it. I'm not retarded. I can open a stupid window." [actually, i can't. that particular window sticks but i remembered i never even started the load of whites because i spilled the stupid bleach all ove his clothes.]
"Whatever She-Ra."
"Huh? Nothin."

good news: i have plenty of bleach, so he'd never notice i used that one bottle up and i was able to get the whites started and ulimately finished without incident.

bad news: i broke my fucking nail trying to open that damn window.

badder news: as i was folding the laundry, J noticed most of the clothes were mine so i had to lie and say he only gave me a basket of whites and underwear to wash.

baddest news: that sumbitch is walking around this house confused as hell because he doesn't know what happened to his clothes.

i feel really bad about the whole thing but the look on his face is fucking hilarious. he is so confused. he asked me if he'd smoked today and what he did before, during and after he smoked. he's really nervous, too, because he's been biting his nails and pacing around for the past 30 minutes.

i'm debating on whether i should just tell him now or go out and see if i can replace most of the stuff that i had to throw away. i know i won't find any of the tennessee stuff but the hollister, abercrombie, and lacoste stuff is pretty generic so it shouldn't be too difficult to find.
it would be easier to just tell him but he gives me really nasty looks when i do something wrong. he'll give me this big lecture about how i should've told him what i did when it happened instead of trying to cover it up and then i'll cry and make him feel guilty about making me feel bad. but then i'll feel guilty about making him feel guilty and then we'll have really good makeup sex.

hmmm...i don't think i get really good makeup sex if i go buy stuff. and he shops like a girl so it's not like he really needs any new clothes. he has drawers and closets full of clothes.

how bout them gators?

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Sunday, January 07, 2007


such a funny word.

let's see...what's new....

cowboys lost. ugh. by one stinkin point. did you see the postgame news conference? wtf is up with T.O.? did someone shove some humble pie down his throat? i've been a cowboys fan since i was in barbie underwear, but i hate that (1) jimmy johnson isn't the coach anymore [i know it's been nearly 15 years but i'll never get over it; i hate bill parcels] and (2) terrell owens is a cowboy. that ungrateful asshat is an embarrassment to the NFL.

colts won. i'm not really a colts fan, but as J's girlfriend, i'm required to be a tennessee fan and since peyton was a vol, and since then the franchise player for the colts, i have to be happy they won. [J, honey, this is where you stop reading.] i could genuinely be a peyton manning/colts fan if it wasn't the same thing with him every fucking season: winning record; great playoff ruin; then the big game, he fucking chokes! he frustrates me.

bcs championship game.....i don't really care for either team. ohio will win, but i'll be rooting for florida just because they're an SEC team. ugh. i'm getting heartburn just thinking about it.

baby business:
yeah, i don't enjoy being pregnant all the time. whenever i say that, people react like i just said i was gonna feed my baby to rabid wolves. it's like everyone wants me to be like "it's all roses and butterflies". bitch, i hate roses and butterflies can be scary little critters. kiss my ass.
i had morning sickness well into my second trimester.
back pain is a bitch.
everything leaks.
people are always touching me and rubbing my belly.
let's not forget the rapid weight gain.
i think the weight gain has been the most difficult thing for me to adjust to. being thin and maintaining my physical appearance was/is a big part of my identity. so, gaining 40 pounds in just a few months hasn't been a very pleasant experience. then, there's losing all the baby weight. i'm gonna want all that shit off me ASAP. there's only one way i know how to do that and it ain't pretty. i suppose being a mom will be my motivation to be a better person, but i don't really know. i'm a fucked up person.

other stuff:
J's sister got into v@ndy and she still wants to live with us. i'd love to have her here just because she's J's sister and i love her to death and it would be great to have an extra pair of hands around once baby girl arrives. but J's got issues. he's so protective of her i'm worried he'll make that poor girl's life miserable. but she knows what she's getting into, so if he and i are okay with it, then i guess it shouldn't be a problem.

i'm not buying any more maternity clothes. or clothes period. that shit is too depressing. everything is so......big. i just can't do it.

i was thinking about making the blog public again, but i don't like lurkers. so, until i can find a way to block individual IPs from accessing this shit, it's staying private. sucks for them.

donald trump is really annoying.

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

    i'm a 90s kid

the title has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to this post.
i'm exhausted from all the holiday hoopla.
i'm so glad that shit is over.

i made someone pee on himself yesterday. i didn't do it intentionally, as i'm still traumatized by the whole event myself. but apparently, people think stories about me falling off the toilet and marinating in my own urine is fucking hilarious and pants-pissing worthy.
goddamn sadists.

i'm really sick and tired of fast food workers giving me attitude when i ask for some hot and fresh french fries. how you gon' get a attitude with me, a paying customer, for asking you to do your fucking job, cooking some damn fries? bitch should be thankful i didn't come up in there asking for a spicy chicken sammich with cheese and tartar sauce and an apple pie oreo mcflurry again. don't fuck with me and my food or there's gonna be a problem. i am not beneath throwing a tantrum and spitting in anyone's face.

i've been having the weirdest dreams the past few nights. and for some reason, when i wake up i feel the need to smack the shit out of J. it's kinda odd cause the dreams never really have anything to do with him.
like, last night, i had this dream i was sitting on the floor in the beer aisle at kroger eating chips and salsa. i yelled at somebody to bring me some more sour cream and guacamole then somehow i ended up at disney world sitting on donald duck's lap eating a fudgesicle and talking about that bitch at the nail salon who cut my cuticles too low. he snapped at me for getting his costume all messy and right when we were about to throw down, goofy came over eating a smoked turkey leg. i was about to snatch that shit from him but i woke up and smacked the shit out of J. he pinched me and made me cry so i made him sleep downstairs. i thought the dream meant i was hungry but that's probably the first time i wasn't. i did have heartburn though. and that shit is no fun at all.

i can't put my legs behind my head anymore. i always end up looking like a turtle stuck on it's back. that reminds me: i can't do yoga anymore. it makes me gassy. and pregnant lady farts are not very pleasant.

i've been craving cheese and cigarettes a lot lately. cigarettes are an obvious no-no but i've been trying to stay away from the cheese cause it makes me constipated and i refuse to have hemorrhoids. it's just not happening for me though. almost everything i eat has cheese on it. but lucky for me, no hemorrhoids AND no stretchmarks. what? word to ya mutha.

we still don't have any furniture for the nursery. i was stressing over it, but you know what? baby girl won't even be in that stupid room for at least 2 months after she's born so we have plenty of time to get it furnished the way i want it.

oooh, i'm horny.
and J's in the shower.
with water glistenin all over his boooody.
i'm definitely hittin that.
like, now.

Monday, January 01, 2007

    happy new year, kids

i don't know about y'all, but it just feels like any other day to me.
the only significant difference between jan 1 2006 and jan 1 2007 is that now i'm a college graduate and there's a little wiggly worm in my belly.
of the two, my baby girl is the most important.
i've got a degree i don't plan on doing a damn thing with.

anyhoos, my hunny bunny and i went to one of his douchebag-friend's party to ring in the new year.
of course, lucky me got to be the designated driver.

how is it that everytime i go to a party or any social-type event, more than half the people in attendance are people i fucking hate?
since i'm pregnant, i can't beat bitches up BUT i've got a list.
as of today, there are 17 people on that list; i've got a feeling it's gonna get much longer by march.
and exactly 6 weeks after i have zoe, J will have the entire day to spend alone with his baby girl cause i'm going on a whoop-ass spree.
motherfuckers have been testing my gangsta cause they know i can't do shit about it now, but i'm fucking up some shit up ASAP.
ugh, i feel my blood pressure going up.

warm and fuzzy thoughts
warm and fuzzy thoughts
warm and fuzzy thoughts

oooh! when the big, ugly disco ball dropped at midnight and J and i kissed, my sweet baby girl kicked me in the ribs to let us know she was partyin and wanted some kisses too.
it was so cute.
it kinda hurt.
but it was still cute.
she's an attention whore just like her mommy.

i really want some taco bell.
merry kwanzaa, y'all!

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