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Saturday, August 23, 2008

    texts from obama make me feel *special*

guess who's in atlantaaaaaaa!!!! meeeee!!! and i only had to have a tantrum for 2 hours to before Jay asked me to come with him. well, he didn't really ask. he just told me he didn't wanna hear any of my shit and no late night trips to the store or wendy's for the next week if i came with him. there was a lot of heavy sighing, head banging on the steering wheel, and death stares, so i don't think he was too happy that we had to stop 7 or 8 times so i could pee. i only had to pee 3 times, it was just a matter of finding a suitable restroom to go in, thus turning what should have been a 3 hour drive into a 4 1/2 hour drive. don't judge me; i'm building a baby over here- i deserve a clean restroom.

anyhoos, we got here late thursday night/early friday morning and crashed the moment we got settled in our suite. while Jay was *working*, i spent the day with my sister and my too-cute-for-words nephew. when my sister told him there was a baby in my tummy, he lifted my shirt up and looked so confused. then, he scrunched his shoulders and was shaking his head, "i no see da beebee nowhere, momma." and whenever i was holding him and Ava would kick, he would check my belly and go "beebee? heddo [hello]?" then, look at me and say "[s]top it, tia!" oh, i just wanna eat his little chubby cheeks.

unfortunately, it wasn't all cuteness and chubby cheeks, i had to have a talk with my sister about the current state of her marriage and if she plans to leave the loser. i find it so disturbing that she could stay with him given the fact that we grew up with this shit and the way it traumatized us all AND that she's allowing her son to experience the same thing. i could almost understand her staying if it was just her. i get the dynamics of an abusive relationship and how it works, but to let her kid grow up in that environment? that just blows my mind. she can always go back home or stay with me or any one of our siblings and she wouldn't have to worry about money; she'd be taken care of. i just don't get it. i don't get it. i don't even know if i wanna *get it*. but anyhow, i think i may have gotten to her. apparently, she responds better to me when i cry rather than when i demand she do stuff. so, i gave her a few days to make a decision- pack her up her and my nephew's shit and leave with me and Jay and we'll find her an awesome divorce lawyer and take the douche for all he's worth or stay and be miserable and maybe die and leave her son motherless....

for the record, let me say that i've never liked that doucheface. everyone said i was being a bitch for no good reason. however, i'm a great fucking judge of character. i know when something's not right with a person. I KNOW! and lookie lookie, we have a wife-beater. i was right once again.

the day wasn't a complete downer, though. there was shopping to be done. my sister took me to this awesome maternity store with cute clothes that actually fit me. i even bought a couple pairs of maternity jeans. *gasp* no luck with finding any cute bras, though. dammit.

oh, question for my women-with-kid[s]-readers- how does your husband feel about nursing bras? mine LOVES the ugly things. and i quote "oooh, num-nums! this is easier access than the strapless bra. daddy likes." it's a little weird, but then again, he is a boy and he likes boobs. i'm actually looking forward to lactating so he'll leave 'em alone. creep.

mmkay, yeah...... so, i did a little more shopping than i needed to. but come on, you know how cute baby clothes are, plus i needed to get some stuff to pack an overnight bag for the hospital just in case. you can never be too prepared.

sometime in the afternoon, we met up with Jay and grabbed lunch before he and i left for the hotel for some quality time. yeah, we've reached the awkward sex phase, but that's not stopping us. we intend to keep going at it until the doctor says otherwise.we may actually make the appointment on tuesday if all goes well at work for Jay on monday. *fingers crossed*

while i can't stand that Jay's job requires that he travel a lot, he gets really nice perks for it. for starters, he doesn't have to pay any travel expenses and he always get an awesome hotel suite. and depending on the city, great seats to almost any sporting event, like club seats at the falcons/titans game last night. w00t! too bad the titans played like shit. and there was this bitch that kept giving Jay the eye and looking at me all stank. so, i was like "the fuck are you looking at?" don't let the belly fool ya. i cut hoes in different area codes. homegirl knew what was up, though. she went on about her skank -ass business and started jocking some other dude who wasn't there with his psycho-crazy pregnant wife. i bet he was gay though. you know, atlanta does have a rather large population of down-low dudes, including some of its pro athletes. mmmhmmm. how you doin'?

today, we've just been puttering around here nekkid. last night after the game, we stopped by this *adult* toy store for some goodies. yeah, the fukuoku twist & shout [google that shit!] is my new best friend. and we finally found some vibrating cock rings that actually fit him AND that i can actually feel. score! so, i imagine we're probably not leaving this room a lot this weekend. how do you become a sex toy reviewer? that's a job i'd definitely be willing to do. seriously, how do i get that job?

lastly, on an unrelated note, for my big brother viewers. do not continue reading if you don't watch the feeds or you don't like spoilers. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH DAN? i mean, come the fuck on! he should've just given ollie the fucking HOH. ugh. just disgusts me. but i guess since april's gone somebody's gotta start sucking. oh, and i memphis. i'd let him stick it in my no-no place after he stopped calling himself a "mixologist". dude, you're a fucking bartender. get over it!

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

    click click boom

someone should event a little zapper where you point it at the person you cannot stand, push the zap button, and it sends them to last place on earth they'd ever want to be- their own personal hell. Jay and i were supposed to spend this weekend painting and decorating the nursery, but because Jay's boss has made it his duty to keep him as busy and miserable as possible, Jay has to leave for atlanta tonight for a whole fucking week. not only is he gonna miss my doctor's appointment on tuesday, he has to go away for two to three days almost every week until he goes on paternity leave next month. i hate him so much i just wanna ties his balls to his toes and draw permanent frown lines and wrinkles on his ugly wife's face. the only reason he's sending Jay instead of someone else WITHOUT A VERY PREGNANT WIFE is because Jay called him on his shit when he made a very costly mistake and tried to put it all on Jay.

i try to stay out of his work stuff as much as i can, but when it affects what goes on in our personal lives, i can't help but to wanna choke a bitch. sometimes, i think he may have made a deal with the devil when he re-newed his contract and i wish he'd have taken that other job offer he got. he'd be making less but at least he'd be working more independently and not dealing with all the bullshit at that hellhole.

gawd, i need a blueberry-pineapple smoothie and a nap.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008


i'm pretty sure this is the point at which i get really annoyed with being pregnant. if you think about it, women who carry their babies full term are pregnant nearly a whole year. one goddamn year! i had a little talk with Ava and i told her i would really appreciate it if she would pop out her little wiggly head at 36 weeks rather than 40+. i'm not sure if the kick that followed was an "okay, mommy. no problem." or a "bitch, please! i do what i want!" if this kid is anything like me, it's probably the latter. dammit.

i'm tired and frustrated and annoyed at everything and everyone for no real reason, making me a very, very unpleasant person to be around. a few nights ago, Jay and i went out to dinner and i wanted to cut off the balls of our server for asking if we were ready to order. "didn't i tell you we'd let you know when we were ready to order? did either one of us give you the little hand signal for you to come over and take our order? then, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY FACE ASKING IF I'M READY TO ORDER?"

yesterday, i went to Jay's office too meet him for lunch, but instead i knocked everything off his desk because he was taking too long on the phone trying to be all cute and shit while i was ready to leave and go get something to eat. and then he called me "sasquatch" and that just pissed me off even more so i pinched him and made him scream like a bitch so everyone could hear.

and just this morning, my cellphone rang and i was fucking livid. now, i need a new phone and i have no idea who was calling me. sorry,i'm building a baby and one of the side effects is that i become a raging bitch. oh well. 6 to weeks 10 to go. sucks for you.

i do believe there's a little hand trying to push it's way out of my belly. so, Ava says, "hi." the little weirdo.

oh, i meant to write about this last week but i forgot cause that's what i do. anyhoos, my niece called "to check on [me]." i really should tape the conversations i have with that little girl. she asked what i was doing and i told her i was getting ready to take a nap and she goes, "tia, that's all you do- take naps. you can't sleep all day. that's just lazy. you need to go outside and play or you gon' get fat like them fat kids and they don't be having no neck. fat with no neck, tia. do you hear me? do you understand what i just said? tell me what i just said, tia." and i pissed on myself from laughing so hard.

she does kinda have a point though.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

    why can't we be friends?

we've been here 2 weeks now and the only rooms in the house completely finished are the kitchen and dining room #1.

is that bad? most of the rooms are halfway there- we're either waiting on new furniture to arrive or haven't quite figured out how to arrange it. our bedroom is a mess just because we have so many goddamn clothes and neither of us wants to organize that shit. of course, i'll end up doing it myself sooner or later.

oh, and here's a tip for people looking to buy a new home: view the house at least twice- once in the daytime and once at night. cause you know what? had i saw this place at night, i probably wouldn't have gone for it. this shit is creepy as fuck! for one, we're secluded and it's a good 5 minute walk before reaching the next house. secondly, there's a wooded area behind the house and lots of trees in the front yard so you can't see shit out there at night! and lastly, across the street [when you can see it] is a grazing area for some guy's cows and horses. [shot from the driveway]

oh, that shit is real cute in the light, but not when you're taking the trash out to the street and out of nowhere a cow gargles at you and you can't tell where exactly the cow is because you can't see shit! i'm not one for shooting cows all willy nilly, but i do make exceptions.

this weekend, Jay and i did get to meet some of our neighbors. they all seemed really nice. like, too nice. one of them offered to come help out when the baby arrives and offered their kids up for "practice". that's cute but bitch, i don't know you or your goddamn kids. they look like those evil motherfuckers from children of the corn. then there's this one chick. i haven't decided if i'm gonna call her gold digger or trophy wife. she's my age and married to some dude who looks old enough to be her granddad. *shudders* she's actually one of the first people i met when we first got settled in. we were both out jogging and she thought i was crazy for running while fat pregnant, but we're workout buddies now. she's really cute and sweet and will never ever be alone with my husband. i don't trust that whore but i need help getting off the floor and Jay won't let me get a personal trainer unless it's a gay man. i could go for that but the gays are really mean when it comes to helping you get in shape and i'm really sensitive right now. but yeah, i don't know how long i can contain my urge to ask that girl what it's like to have sex with someone that old. ewwwwww. it's just so nasty.

tomorrow is doctor day and from then on i have to go in every 2 weeks for a checkup. bleh. shopping for baby stuff is fun again. it doesn't even matter if we already have a dozen of something, if i see it in the store, i just can't resist and i have to buy something. especially onesies and baby socks. oh they're just so fucking adorable. and little headbands. it's just too much.

oooh, crazy food craving alert- scrambled eggs with cheese and ketchup. this baby LOVES ketchup. i hate ketchup. ketchup gives me heartburn. and i currently have indigestion because i ate waaaayyy too much at dinner. i made chicken in gravy, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, green beans, and a double-chocolate cake. yeah, i had 2 servings of each plus ice cream and a half-liter of mountain dew. i know it's terrible, but y'all just don't understand my love for the dew. one little indiscretion, that's all it was and i deserved it, dammit!

now, if only i didn't have to pee so much.

*the pictures are kinda crappy because i have a crappy camera. sue me.

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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

    pardon me while i bitch and complain

today's a fat day. i feel fat. i look fat. i am fat. i can't fit in anything i wanna wear and i'm really sick of buying clothes to accommodate all this roundness. i really hate when people say there are cute maternity clothes out there. no they're not, asshole. and because i refuse to buy any maternity wear [except my yoga gear!], everything i get has to have some sort of elastic/spandex shit in them. tops are the hardest thing simply because i won't wear maternity jeans or shorts. i can't button any of my regular jeans and shorts so i have to have a longer top to cover all the business going on there. call me whatever you want but that maternity shit has that big ass waistband that comes up to your titties and i'm just not doing it. if it has to come over my pelvic bone, kiss my ass; i'm not wearing it! it's hot and i need to have all my fatness hanging out so it can breathe! dresses either don't fit right, don't feel right, or they're just plain ugly. and don't get me started on these ugly ass bras i have to wear now. would it hurt for someone to design a goddamn maternity and nursing bra that comes in a color besides black, white, and beige. no, it's not "nude", bitch. it's beige. BEIGE GODDAMMIT!

so, here i am in a cami and my husband's sweatpants. he thinks it's cute and sexy when i wear his pants and if i weren't looking like a pot-bellied pig, i probably would too; but i'm not wearing this shit by choice. it's the only thing that fits! oh, why did i let him do this to me? do you know how many weddings and parties and other events that would call for me to get all dressed up i have missed just because i don't want to go through the ordeal that is shopping for my pregnant ass? DOZENS! i have to psych myself out just to go out to dinner with my husband. that selfish bastard. he hasn't gained an ounce of fat since i've been pregnant. nope, asshole has only gained 6 pounds of muscle. it's not fair because i eat healthy, exercise regularly, and here i am with 24 and a quarter extra pounds, and i'm supposed to gain more. and i really hate all those people who write those 'what to expect' books about pregnancy. i should be writing one about the shit they don't tell you, like how you gotta use half a stick of butter just to get a goddamn ring off your finger and then spend 20 minutes arguing with your husband cause he's all offended you just used butter on the precious piece of shit he spent his precious shit of money on and now he's gotta get it cleaned so it doesn't get ruined. i know you read this shit so fuck you, you asshole. if it's worth as much as you spent on it, you would soak that shit in some jewelry cleaner, have a coke and fucking smile. bitch. and no, i'm not cooking dinner. ask that woman who's in there doing the laundry all kinds of wrong to make your sorry ass dinner, mr. i can't go away with my PREGNANT WIFE for the weekend cause football season has started. i really hope you don't think you're going to that tennessee/florida game next month cause it ain't happenin'.

oh, and just a little while ago, i was laying down, my niece was rubbing my bare belly, talking to Ava, and enjoying her little movements. then, she starts rubbing the area below my belly button with her finger. i thought it was a little odd, but i didn't really care because it's the first time she's been quiet since she's been here. then, she stops, looks at my belly, licks her finger, and goes to rubbing again. "girl, what the hell are you doing?" "trying to get that dirt off your stomach. didn't you take a bath this morning?"

so i get up and look in the mirror and ask what she's talking about. she points to my linea nigra, "see, look. it's a line of dirt from there to there. that's nasty, tia. you need to go take a bath and wash yourself the right way." i didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so i did both because now, i'm fat AND dirty.

sometimes, i really dislike people.

Monday, August 04, 2008

    oh yeah, the bitch is back

i'm so fucking annoyed right now. my mom is here along with my niece, and they won't leave me the hell alone. it was just supposed to be my nice spending the weekend with us so i could take her shopping for new school clothes and supplies and all that good stuff- and now that i think about it, i don't even know why the fuck i agreed to that shit. my mom decided it would be a good idea for her to just come along to "help out" so i could get some rest. well, you know what? i haven't gotten any stinkin' rest. as much as this lady would like to think she's helping, she's soooooooooooooooooooo! not. when she first got here, all she did was talk about how much we paid for this house and how it's too big for just me, Jay, and a baby, and it all just seems like too much for us. "don't get me wrong, i love it. it's gorgeous....it's just.....so....much." and then when i say it's none of her goddamn business how, when, and where we spend our money, i'm the asshole. well, i don't give a fuck.

once she got over that, she started "helping out", organizing and arranging everything the way she thinks it should be and not the way i want it. while i really do appreciate that she wants to help out and did unpack a lot of things i didn't have the patience or nerve to, i want her to stop. just as she's going around putting things where they don't belong, i have to go behind her and do it the right way. again, i'm the asshole cause i'm not letting her do what she came here to do. YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!! GET OUT!!

and of course that big dumb ogre doesn't care because the first thing she cooked was lasagna and a homemade german chocolate cake and "her lasagna is the shit!" and cake turns him into some kind of neanderthal. since when does lasagna trump a back rub and a blow job? you're supposed to agree with me even when i'm hormonal and irrational and that woman is not staying in my house for 2 goddamn months "to help out" when this baby is born. i don't care if she is staying in the guest house. shit is not cool. not cool at all.

my issue with my niece is not as serious, but still she's just as annoying. every time i get a moment to myself and i'm about to close my eyes and drift off to dream land- "TIA! WHERE YOU AT?!" and it's either time for another round of 21 questions or some bullshit about hannah montana. i don't give a fuck about hannah montana. when are you going home? oh, and apparently not wanting to go get in the pool makes me a terrible, terrible aunt. fuck you. you better put on some floaties and hope you don't drown. it's 100 degrees outside and 60 inside. kiss my ass.

i am not in the mood, people.