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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

    but i wipe my own ass!

we've finally moved into our new house and i could not be more relieved. there were moments over the past weekend i didn't think we were gonna make it- the packers, the movers, the heat, the rain. i was so close to saying 'fuck it. we're not moving.' but i didn't and no one left with any missing limbs or gaping wounds. and i never wanna go through this again. it all felt so rushed and uncoordinated and i don't fair well when i'm feeling rushed and uncoordinated. strange men touching my pictures and books and clothes and furniture. i hated every moment of it and i did a lot of crying and screaming to make sure everyone involved knew exactly how much i hated it. it was torture, i tell ya. torture.

and now there's the unpacking and arrangement of the rooms, especially the nursery. the nursery. the baby. oh, the baby, my sweetness. i think she's really starting to recognize Jay's voice as her *daddy's voice*. she's very responsive to voices and music in general, but the way she responds to Jay's and my voice are becoming very distinct. with me, she kicks and punches as if she's replying back to whatever i'm saying and we go on like that for an hour and it just melts my heart. with Jay, there was kicking and punching, but as of sunday, whenever he lays his face against my big belly and says "Ava, it's daddy!", you can actually see her move and roll her face against my tummy to where Jay's face is. i don't know what's cuter, Ava knowing her daddy or watching him melt like butter when she does it.

while i'm starting to get a bit more uncomfortable physically with the leg cramps and back pain, i'm finally starting to relax about the impending birth of this little one. i kinda wish we could fast forward to labor and delivery so we can finally meet this little person giving me heartburn and making me pee every 10 minutes. really, the only thing left to do is get the nursery together. i don't want a baby shower, so i'm not having one. i just told everyone who's asked about it to send diapers. there's no such thing as too many diapers when you've got a baby. call me crazy but i just think it's stupid to ask people to buy us stuff when we pretty much have everything we need. perhaps if we were having a boy it would be different, but we're having a girl and i have waaaayyy too much baby girl stuff to even consider asking for gifts. diapers, that's what's up.

to be continued.....cause i'm hungry as hell.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

    oh, tiddlywinks

i wish someone would've told me this packing and moving shit was gonna try to steal my soul. somehow, i deluded myself into thinking this was actually gonna be fun and not stressful and not make me wanna stomp a hole in somebody's chest. i really thought we I [Jay has done nothing but move boxes to the guest room] was almost done with packing up everything- the kitchen, bedroom and the nursery were the only rooms i hadn't started on. i never thought about the trips that will have to be to the goodwill and salvation army, or everything that had to be thrown away, or the fact that every room has to be deep-cleaned and re-painted so that we can rent this bitch out, and that we just have a lot of shit that we don't use. but most importantly, i didn't really take into account how very little of these things i'm actually going to be able to complete because i'm pregnant and it's damn near 100 degrees everyday. ugh. and i get heartburn every time i think about having people come over and help pack and move things. i don't want people touching my stuff. i don't like it. i don't know where their hands have been and sometimes soap just isn't good enough. and then people like to talk to me and stare at my titties and rub my belly and talk to my baby and i hate it. ihateitihateitihateit.

OHOHOHOHOH! and i just love how everyone failed to mention that when the whole deal was finished with the new house that we would have to sign a stack of papers the size of a midget. and i know you're not supposed to call little people midgets but fuck you. midget midget midget. i say whatever the fuck i want. i'm building a baby over here. what have YOU done today?

back to what i was talking about- i have never hated signing my name so much in my fucking life. i'm still getting used to my new last name and they don't come with extra copies in case you fuck up and sign your maiden name the first 50 pages. i literally cried for 5 minutes when i saw all that paperwork and realized i was not gonna make it home in time for the young and the restless and i didn't set the dvr to record it. bitches better be glad cbs uploads the new episodes nightly or people would've been going home with appendages missing.

who the fuck is responsible for this 24 hours in a day/7 days in a week bullshit? and who came up with working 40 hours a week to make a decent living? i hope the people responsible for this fuckery died miserable deaths. why? i have my reasons. don't judge me.

yesterday, we went to see 'the dark knight'. we were smart and went to see it in the afternoon before all the idiots and dumbasses came out and acted like idiots and dumbasses. it was actually really nice to be in the theater without all the unnecessary noise but i hated walking out into the muggy heat. gawd i hate summer. i have this new rule that Jay and i are only to conceive during the late spring/early summer cause i refuse to be this pregnant in the summer ever again. from 8am til 8 pm, it's just torture out there. TORTURE. it almost discourages me from leaving the house while the sun is out. almost. i gotta have my afternoon delight. because just as i crave french fries and gravy and blue bell cookies n' cream with caramel syrup, i crave sex. if it weren't for the chaffing and lockjaw, i could fuck all day and night. i don't need a reason to do it; i just wanna fuck. this reminds me of one of the most awesome things about our new house- all the rooms are soundproof. oooh yeah. it also makes me wonder just what exactly the sellers were into. kinky bitches.

yeah......there's that not needing a reason thing again.

Friday, July 11, 2008

    maybe i'll never understand

as the weeks fly by, i'm growing more and more and more anxious about having this little baby. after we lost Z, i wasn't sure how soon or late i'd be ready to get pregnant again or even if i wanted to have kids of my own. you never really get over a loss like that. it never gets better. it doesn't hurt any less than it did the day it happened, you just learn to live with it. then, i found out i was pregnant again. on the day that would've been Zoe's first birthday no less. while we were TTC, i was kinda hoping another baby would kinda take my focus off the one we lost and give me a little a relief from all the hurt and guilt i feel. i didn't/don't wanna forget about my Zoe, i just didn't/don't wanna be so wrapped up in all the negative emotions. i wish this wasn't true, but i took away a lot more negative memories than positive from that pregnancy. i know that's my fault and i really regret not appreciating my pregnancy more.

and now we've got little Ava on the way. everything is perfect. PER-FECT! seriously, sometimes i can't even comprehend it and this is my life. Jay and i have known each other for 15 years and i didn't even think it was possible for us to reach this point of solidarity in our relationship, quite honestly. but of course, i wouldn't be me if i wasn't apprehensive and didn't question what the universe has in store for me. i've actually had the pessimism under control for a while now. i've had a few negative thoughts here and there, but nothing like it used to be. uh huh. growth? maturation? i see ya. of course, when i feel like i'm almost a butterfly--i'm poking my head out of the chrysalis, the transformation is almost complete- my mind starts fucking with me.

i know it's just the hormones and i should expect crazy, scary, crazy-scary dreams, but the one i had wednesday night just shook me to the core. it was so real that even after i woke up, i was still crying and screaming. Jay said it took him a solid minute to get me to snap out of it. after two weeks of having dreams of the same theme- me losing another baby- it's got me worried but more frustrated than anything else. it's like when you're building a house of cards or a sand castle and some chubby, snot-nose, mouth-breathing little asshole of a kid comes over and knocks it down. all that hard work. but the frustrating thing is, i'm that kid building the house of cards and i'm that evil little fucker that comes over to stomp all over my hard work like the fucking hulk.


i am truly my own worst enemy.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

    do you recycle?

i do. papers, glasses, aluminum. plastics are always difficult for me for some reason, but i'm getting better.

i told myself i was gonna get back to blogging regularly instead of just here and there. but i've been keeping this baby journal [hand-written. what?] and scrapbooking [the fuck?] so when i'm done with that, i just don't feel like pecking at these keys. plus, it's not like there's a lot going on. besides the whole house-buying thing and a baby on the way, i'm just a weeble who wobbles and sometimes i fall down. i'm that annoying friend who constantly gushes over her fantabulous husband and growing baby in her belly to the point that it makes you wanna choke a bitch.

speaking of my fantabulous hubby, i'm starting not to like him as much. he is ALWAYS grunting and griping about what i wear because he doesn't want other men looking at me.
'it's too short. it's too little. it's too low-cut. it's not long enough. are you wearing that out? your titties are too big for that. you're wearing heels? your pockets are longer than the shorts; i can almost see your naughty bits. you should really think about getting some maternity clothes.'

um, it's summertime.


besides, i don't know many men that find pregnant women attractive enough to take a second look or would even have the balls to hit on me. this big bump and duck waddle and one strand of hair growing out of my neck is all kinds of sexy.

i do keep it classy whenever i go see him at work. it's kinda weird......people there seem to like me. i'm not really used to that- people liking me. and i have to pretend i like them for Jay's sake. i keep it simple though. a smile. a hug here and there. but that's where it ends. don't be trying to rub my belly. i don't go for that. i think that one dude did grab my ass though. it's kinda hard to tell because sometimes that big ol' thing just gets in the way of a normal, friendly hug.

but anyhoos, next week is my 24 week checkup. the 6 month mark. knocking on the third trimester's door. and i feel like i've been pregnant forever. i'm not really looking forward to hearing how much weight i've gained or peeing in a cup or that horrible diabetes test thingy. the only good thing is the doc lets me hold the *magic stick* to hear the baby's heartbeat. honeychild's been doing some serious kicking lately so i'm hoping i can get a sonogram and catch her in action. i've asked for a sonogram every visit so i'm hoping by now the doc has just taken it upon himself to go ahead and schedule it.

whatcha doing for the 4th of July weekend? we're gonna take the boat out to the lake and barbecue and the boys are gonna take their shirts off and be all macho with their weenie fireworks. just gimme some food and a coupla juice boxes and i'm good.


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