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Friday, February 27, 2009

    it's fridaaaaayyyyy!!! yeah!

oh, i'm so glad it's the weekend. Jay is home and he gets to take over and handle fussyface while i RELAX. oh my goodness, she is so spoiled. the past 2 days she's wanted nothing but to be held and be entertained. i can get with that because i just love to sit and love on her. however, there comes a time of the day when i need a solid 15 minutes to myself to take a shit and i wanna be left alone to do just that. i don't get all up in her space when she's frowning and grunting and stinking up the place.

first, mountain dew and chicken and dumplings do not mix. they just don't. don't get all curious and try to experience that shit for yourself; it's not even worth it, mmkay? typically, i get all of my necessities taken care of before Jay leaves for work, when ava's napping, and when Jay gets home from work. shower, eating, sleeping, and shitting.

today was no different. lunchtime. ava's alseep. 'ooh, Jay forgot to take his lunch to work. hey, i don't have to cook!' i usually don't eat leftovers but i made the best chicken and dumplings ever known to mankind last night. there's no way i was throwing that out. anyhoos, just as i'm finishing up my last dumpling and last sip of the dew, i hear the fussyface over the monitor. 'fuck, i didn't even get to lick the bowl.' i know i'm greedy. don't judge me.

so, i go to kiss those little crocodile tears away, change her diaper, nibble on her fat cheeks and she's my little happyface girl. that's when i felt it. the bubbleguts. somebody just launched war on dumplings in my stomach and it was not gonna be pretty.

think fast.

i put her in the walker with the little noisemakers and spinny things.
not having it.

ok, the swing. she loves the swing and it plays music.
what? the hell is wrong with you?

baby einstein dvds are downstairs and i'm not gonna make it that far.

so, i bring the walker with the noisemakers and the spinny things into the bathroom and plop her little ass in that seat. more crying. and i'm seeing that she starts crying before her ass ever touches the seat. i lean over to put her down, she cries.

"ava-marie taylor [last name], i have a situation i need to take care of immediately. don't do this to me now!" she laughed at me. and it was a malicious, evil laugh. like she knew i had to go and she was gonna do everything she could to prevent me from relieving myself of the hostile situation going on in my intestines.

so, i just said 'fuck it' and plopped my ass on the toilet and let it go. i'd never heard sounds like that come from my own body and i've given birth twice. and that smell? no words, people. no words. i sat there with my asshole exploding while holding my 5-month old who's looking at me like 'bitch, are you serious?' but it doesn't end there. nooooo, then, i had to wipe my ass while holding my 5-month old who's now just decided that this was the perfect time to try some new houdini-style escape tactics.

man, i swear if she had a few more years on her...... i'd drop 'the people's elbow' on her a couple of times.

daddy's home
"she's all yours until i have to feed her. until then, i don't know either of you. good day."

it's been a little over 2 hours and i've managed to have a much deserved glass of wine, a long, hot bubble bath, give myself a quick pedicure, and wax my no-no parts. AND i'm pretty sure that's a 9:00 bedtime i see in my future.

oh yeah, this is the life.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

    is your money that good?

you ever have one of those moments where you don't really know what to say or do so you just sit there and make farting sounds with your mouth? yeah, i'm having one of those moments. after much delay, Jay had to lay off 7 people in his department and he's feeling like the biggest asshole because of it. it's really not his fault though. he was given notice back in october, when he went back to work, that there were gonna be cuts when the company lost the chry.sler account. he stalled and and stalled and stalled for almost 4 months, but with all the cuts and other proposed cuts [including a salary cut for himself!!!???!!!], he couldn't save any of the people he had to let go. what makes it even worse for him was that the majority of the people he had to let go were the ones he's developed personal relationships with outside the job AND who spent the most time working with him on that account, along with other major ones. he feels like he's ruined people's lives and their gonna be jobless and homeless and it's all his fault. i've been trying to remind him that he's never been responsible for others' paychecks and job security; none of that has anything to do with what he does and it's the powers that be's fault for spending money they didn't have. he did more than anyone else ever thought of to keep those people from losing their jobs, but greed and selfishness tends to trump compassion, sympathy, and empathy.

while i'm doing my best to cheer up my husband, that whole situation has got me thinking: what if Jay lost his job? we had a lot of money saved because we both have trust funds, but buying this house took a significant chunk out of the money had saved. and by significant, i mean more than 70% a piece. more than 70% from my savings and more than 70% from his. that's a lot of money. he'll be set when his grandmother dies but the evil ones tend to live the longest. i, on the other hand, only have interest to rely on at the moment; the money i'll inherit from my granddad is chump change compared to what he'll get. and what if we were to get divorced? i know littlebits would be taken care of, but i know he'd fight me to death for spousal support. or maybe not. he has told me many times he'd kill me before he'd let me leave him and i'm starting to take that threat more seriously now. [only because i think the good ones have homicidal tendencies. and Jay is kinda crazy. trust me. crazy knows crazy.]

i'm probably getting too far ahead of myself, but this is really the closest i have been to our delightful economy affecting my family. there's no denying the shitty state we're in, but i like oblivion; it keeps me happy. i've never thought about Jay losing his job due to a failing economy. i worry about him losing his job because he's so goddamn temperamental and he's gonna pick the wrong goddamn day to fuck with the wrong person. i mean, seriously, how many people say "fuck you and fuck this job" to their boss, go home, and actually have a job to go to the next day? yeah, this a weekly thing with him.

so, how do you prepare and manage through a recession? even if you have money saved, how long will it last given the job market and the limited amount of resources available to help those in need? people have been doing things from taken their homes hostage to taking their own lives and the lives of others [which i will never understand! okay, fine. if you're gonna kill someone, kill yourself. don't be killing babies and spouses who have nothing to do with you getting laid off.]

oh, my ittle bittles is just waking up from a very late nap which means we're probably gonna be up for a while. i was so looking forward to getting some dick and being asleep by 10.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

    month 5

my little munchkin,

you are 5 months old today. that means you're almost 6 months old, which means you're gonna be a year old soon! aaaahhhh!!!! i know i say this all the time, but you are getting so big! you usually tower over the other babies in your age group we randomly encounter, but that comes from your daddy; everyone in his family is tall. developmentally, you're getting a little ahead of yourself, little lady. you can sit up by yourself a lot longer, you can grab things and hold them by yourself [and put them in your mouth], and you can roll over now! changing your diaper and getting you dressed has become an olympic event. you're just so busy trying to get to other things and see what is what. i don't know what we're gonna do with you once you start crawling and walking. crawling. you are certainly trying to get there. anytime you're on your tummy, you get on your little elbows or up on your hands and rock back and forth. it's the cutest thing.

you know, it wasn't that long ago that you were my little cuddle bug who would sit perfectly still and just stare at me while i held you and talked to you for what seemed like hours about life in general. now, i'm lucky to get through one round of the ABC song without you trying to squiggle your little butt out of the way and onto something else. peek-a-boo, which you absolutely love, is the only time i can get you to focus on one thing.

since you sleep all night, we have officially moved you into the nursery. no more bassinet next o mommy and daddy. last night was the first night of you sleeping in your crib the WHOLE night and it was clearly a lot harder for me than for you. daddy chose last night to start you off since it was the eve of your 5th-month birthday. so, after your bath and 8:00 feeding, we took you up to your pretty little room and into your crib you went. daddy played a few chords on his guitar and you were down for the count. as always, you looked too cute. now, daddy and i were supposed to go off to our own bedroom and do mommy and daddy stuff, but i sat outside your door for HOURS just crying and hoping you would wake up and cry for me. but you didn't. you slept all damn night without a peep. but when you woke up this morning and saw me standing there, you smiled and giggled and was so happy as if you hadn't seen me in years. here's a little secret: when you do that, it makes mommy's innards feel all warm and tingly.

we have been letting you try a variety baby foods but you don't seem to be ready for it. the only foods you seem to enjoy are the fruits, especially the bananas and pears mixed together, but you're even fickle about those. i am very attached to nursing you so i am not at all disappointed that you don't like those other foods yet. that's a special time that only you and i can share, so i know i'm gonna have a really hard time giving that up. i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't stay at home with you all day. give kisses to daddy for having a good job and taking care of us.

your grandparents visit very often and send you gifts even more, all in an effort to spoil you rotten [as if we needed any help with that]. we don't even have anymore room in your nursery to fit all of your clothes and toys, so you've got a whole other room that's filled with nothing but ava's stuff. i keep telling them not to do that because you're still so young and won't have a chance to wear and play with a lot of the things they send you, but it's like talking to a wall. with you getting to be such a busy body, it is a good thing we have lots of things to keep you entertained.

okay, i have a few issues with you. first, when daddy takes pictures of you, you are the perfect little angel i know you are, but whenever we plan a day to have professional pictures taken, you show your little ass. while i simply adore all the pictures we have taken at home and at the park, those are not professional! you could be one of the babies on display we see every time we walk into that damn studio. for real, for real? those other babies ain't got nothin' on you, boo. you're model material.

also, you make this loud squealing noise very randomly for no reason at all. the first time you did it, it scared the shit out of me. then, it was cute. now, it's just loud.

i thought bathtime would get easier as you got older, and you had me going for a while, but you do not like to get your little butt cleaned. i give you toys and try to distract you as much as i can, but you are just not having it. this is the only time you cry angrily. your face gets all red and you clench your little fists and kick and kick and kick. it's okay though. i understand that you don't like bathtime and crying and kicking mommy in the gut is the only way you know how to communicate your frustrations with me. so, i think we're just gonna let daddy do nighttime baths and i'll just give you a quick wash in the mornings.

littleface, little face. you are a such an unbelievably incredible baby. i'm so amazed and fascinated by all the little things you do and the amount of joy and happiness to my life. every day, i have some new and refreshing experience with you and i wouldn't give that up for anything in this world. you are and always will be my sweet little girl. and i love you so so so very much.

hugs and kisses and more kisses,



Saturday, February 14, 2009

    sometimes, i feel like i'm violating the world when i blog and nurse at the same time

it's valentine's day. i've never really been a fan of this "holiday" because it's so commercial and i can't stand the thought of people profiting from occasions that should be meaningful and have some sentimental value [if you don't associate the day with the st. valentine's day massacre] to others. that doesn't mean i don't enjoy and appreciate the fact that i have a wonderfully amazing husband who likes to go all out when it comes to romancing his wife. he truly is amazing.

sometimes i look at him with our little girl and it's hard for me to believe that we're the same two people who met years ago as kids and absolutely HATED each other. i mean, if you would've told me then that i was gonna be happily married to Jay with a silly little baby girl now, i'd have kicked you in the balls or the giney. whichever applies. february 14, 1994, Jay was the only boy in the class that did not receive a valentine's card from me. oh, but don't get it twisted, he put glue in my candy bag and i swore i would never forgive him for that. our moms spent at least two days a week forcing us to apologize to the other and make nice. somehow over the years we became great friends and so much more. and i know for a fact that i would be much worse off without him in my life.

it's pretty corny but there are many mornings i wake up and i can't believe my life. i'm genuinely happy and that's really all i've ever wanted. happiness. and now i've got it. and i like it.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

    open mouth, insert.....anything

ava is definitely in what i like to call "discovery mode". anything and everything that she can grab goes straight into her mouth. it's actually pretty neat to watch as she figures out new textures and tastes. oh, those faces she makes are just too adorable. she makes a lot of faces her daddy makes, too. it's just not fair how much alike they are.

i finally got the nerve to sign up for a dance class last week and had my first class on monday. although a big part of the reason for me signing up was to give me some time to do my own thing and not be Jay's wife and ava's mom, just mimi, i did bring ava and jess along with me. BUT! there's a 'but'. i really wanted jess there for moral support. i hadn't danced since who knows when and wanted someone there who didn't think i looked like a complete fool. i had a really great time though. surprisingly, i actually did a damn good job of keeping up and memorizing steps; but i had a lot more fun just watching others even though it made me feel kinda old watching the younger kids move. [lits was the perfect little doll as always.] i was clearly a helluva lot more out of shape than i thought because i could hardly move yesterday. i'm pretty sure i let ava cry far longer than 45 seconds because it took me almost 5 minutes just to stand up. my arms, my legs, my abs, my ass, my fingers and toes were killing me.

today i went all by myself. that shit was pretty rough for me. i missed lits so much which made it difficult for me to concentrate. no concentration = lots fuck-ups. so, missing ava and not being able to get things right made me so frustrated that i just left and cried in my car for 10 minutes before coming home. i don't know why but since having ava, i cry more than i've ever cried before. it's an equal mix of happy and sad and frustrated tears though. that's good, i guess. i don't know. i'm a very emotional person. don't judge me.

i'm tired. the weather's all crappy [major storm passing through!]. ava's rubbing her eyes and wah-ing at me. i think now is the perfect time for a nap.


Thursday, February 05, 2009


i feel myself getting overwhelmed with a lot of shit i shouldn't really be overwhelmed with. i'm all agitated and annoyed over stupid things. and i'm a mom. i don't know what the hell i'm doing being someone's mom. i'm married. and i pretty much suck at being a wife. and then there's me. i don't remember what it was like to just be me. no attachments, no obligations, no rules. just me and all my fucked-upness.