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Sunday, October 03, 2010

    girl shit; mom shit; wife shit; dysfunctional-ass family shit

-i wish men could get pregnant just once in their lifetime so they could experience all the weird-nasty shit in their dicks that women have to with their vaginas. this is where you stop reading if you don't want to read about how my giney feels and looks like a tube of astroglide just exploded in it.

-every now and then, i think about going back to school for my masters and actually pursuing a career. but then, i look at these little faces that i can.not.stand. to be away from for more than a few hours a day and i'm like, 'fuck that shit.' kylie, lee-lee as her big sister calls her, and ava, or AHH! as her little sister calls her, are my life. if i wasn't a stay-at-home-mom, i wouldn't be able to kiss them all in their little faces until their like 'FUCK, STOP KISSING ME! I CAN'T BREATHE!!' and i couldn't spend every morning in bed with my girls laughing and singing and bouncing around in our pj's after daddy leaves for work. no middle of the day conversations with ava about how good little girls don't lie on the floor with their legs all in the air drinking out of their sippy cup when they're wearing a dress. i mean, when you're wearing shorts or pants, it's cool but you can't be having your business all out like that when you're in a dress. i wouldn't get to wrestle with kylie when she's ready for a nap and flat out REFUSES to go to sleep. and they way ava just lights up and starts break-dancing when i bust out with the gabba.

it's not always easy. ava can be a pretty defiant 2 year old. seriously, ava? you're just gonna knock shit over because i wouldn't let you color on MY page? girl, please. and kylie? can i please have one day, ONE DAY, without you shittin' in the tub? does sitting in water really make your bowels that fucking loose that you can't hold it until i get a fucking diaper on your little ass? geez. i gets no respect. and all these damn playdate requests that i only show up for once a month because i can't stand other people's sickly, bad ass kids, and because i'm a flake, which makes me an asshole so all the other moms are talking cash money shit about me on the regular AND STILL inviting me and my babies to this shit. bitches don't know i'm an O.G. i will kill you.

-my husband is truly my soulmate. i am madly, head-over-heels in love with this man. i have to be. man has got me straight up living like a duggar wife. i have been pregnant since 2006. pregnant w/ zoe '06-'07; pregnant w/ ava: '08; pregnant w/ kylie: '09; pregnant w/ baby BOY: '10. when you gon' let my uterus breathe, son?
i've known this man for almost 20 years and we're still learning new things about each other. who the fuck hates the smell of pine-sol and how did i not know this about him until 2 weeks ago? me: "i don't like the way your flaccid dick feels?" him: "well, i don't like it when you clean with pine-sol. it makes me wanna shit all over you."
first, i laughed so fucking hard when he said this that i pissed myself a little.
but anyhoos, i love this man so much it hurts my heart. when i first having feelings of "like" for him, i would get this knot in my chest and my stomach whenever i was around him. i still get that feeling when i'm with him. somehow, he always knows what to say when i don't know what i need to hear. it always makes me day when he comes home with flowers "just 'cause." i know that i can always be who i am around him, no matter how irrational, illogical, or just outright fucked up i may be, without ever having to worry that he'll think less of me as a person. ride or die, homie. ride. or. die.

-my mom just called me to tell me that she was constipated all day. and then she went on to say, "hell, i don't fuck with them laxatives after that last incident [which resulted in my mom shitting on herself. yeah, for real, for real.] so i just put a glove on and got them little shit balls outta me. girl, you don't know how good i felt after i got all them bad boys out." oh, a mother's love....