Wednesday, February 28, 2007
i love blueberry-pineapple-banana smoothies
today .....not so great.
it started around 1:30 this morning. all of a sudden i just started freaking the fuck out about having the ECV. this is my first full-term pregnancy. i don't know what i'm doing or what to expect, i'm just winging it. even though the doctor explained the whole procedure to me, it just didn't seem right. he's basically said this is my only option since the breech-baby exercises haven't worked and we don't wanna have a c-section early as she needs the next few weeks to gain more weight.
after really thinking about it, the version sounds so barbaric-- having someone FORCE, not coax, FORCE zoe to turn head-first. physically moving her (!!!) one position to another in utero. she likes to play with the cord; what if it gets caught around her neck and cuts off her oxygen supply? what if he ruptures the placenta? what if her heart rate gets too low or too high? what if they have to take her and her little lungs aren't well-developed? what if? what if? what if?
so basically, in the hours before we had to leave to go to the hospital there was:
hysterical crying >>> hyperventilating >>> asthma attack >>> panic attack >>> black out >>> more hysterical crying
eventually, i settled down because i didn't wanna stress out baby girl, but the whole drive to the hospital, i was a nervous wreck. fidgeting and biting my nails and cuticles. i've never been a nail-biter.
when we finally got there, my mom [surprise!] was waiting for us in the lobby area. i was sooo happy she was there. it took a lot of the stress off Jay and i really needed some motherly TLC.
around 6:30am, some nurse took me to get my vitals checked and blood drawn.
now, because i have a fear of needles and i was still pretty freaked out about the version, i needed a moment to get myself together and not be so tense, as that makes the whole process even more difficult. so, i told the nurse just that and to Jay or my mom come back because i need someone to hold my hand and distract me. that bitch copped an attitude and got all huffy with me because i was delaying everything. i wanted to cuss her out but i just requested another nurse. i didn't want that hostile bitch anywhere near me or my baby with a sharp object.
so, we got all that out of the way and i got wheeled into the room where the ECV will be done.
cue: brutal breakdown #2
we're in the labor & delivery/nursery part of the hospital.
i'm now 37 weeks pregnant.
i don't wanna be in the hospital when i'm not about to have my baby. i'm about to let this doctor torture my unborn child and possibly go into premature labor.
meems is not particularly happy with this moment.
but, i got some reassuring words from Jay and my mom and the nice nurse, all the while somebody's putting an IV in my arm. apparently, i was so out of mind, i didn't even notice it until i stopped crying and felt the tube on my arm. that's probably a good thing though.
finally, around 7:30, nuDoc and an anesthetist [who was on standby just in case] stroll in and we're ready to get the show on the road.
first up, nonstress test for baby girl. her little heart rate was up so we had to wait another ten minutes and do the test again. she was fine that time. yays(?) for baby girl.
then, i got an injection of some tocolytic drug to "relax the uterus".
after a few minutes of waiting, the actual version began.
i have never experienced anything like that in my life. it was sooo painful and distressing. Jay was right there holding my hand and telling me it would be over in a few minutes and not to worry, and i cried the WHOLE time. it was supposed to take only 3-5 minutes, but i have a stubborn baby. i think she was just as freaked out as i was because her heart rate went up and she refused to move. so we had to stop for a bit, and try again.
the second time, he got her to turn, but not without a fight. i was so relieved when it was finally over, but i wanted to kill almost every person in that room.
there was a final nonstress test for baby girl. her heart rate was up, but not significantly high, so all was well with her. i waspast ready to get the fuck out of there and go home. of course, that didn't happen. my blood pressure was really high, so the doctor wanted me to stay until it was back to normal again.
overall, everything went well and i'm so thankful my little girl is fine and i didn't have to deliver early, but i don't ever want to experience that shit again.
we finally left the hospital around 9am and went to get some breakfast with my mom and came back home. i immediately went upstairs and got in bed and slept for a couple hours. i think my mom did a couple loads of laundry and cleaned the kitchen. i was kinda disappointed she couldn't stay around a little longer, but she had to be back in memphis in time to pick up C from school.
after i woke up, my stomach was so fucking sore. it hurt to get out of bed and walk to that bathroom, walk back and sit down again. it felt like i did a thousand sit-ups and somebody came over and slugged me in the stomach with a sledge hammer.
it's not as bad now since i soaked in the bath for almost an hour, but it's still pretty painful. i was spotting a little while ago, but the doc said that's to be expected as long as it isn't a lot or dark red. i've been hooked up to the fetal heart monitor for the past hour-- she seems fine, but i can't help to think she has to be at least slightly traumatized by the whole thing. my poor little zoe. i feel so bad for her.
since Jay is pretty much on spring break, as he doesn't have [mandatory] classes tomorrow, he's gonna be my bitch for the next two weeks. unfortunately, there will be no sex in the champagne room over the next couple of days. he does make really good smoothies though.
Labels: baby business
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
i can't eat after midnight =(
i'm sooooo nervous about tomorrow. i've been trying to be all optimistic and shit but it's not really happening. i'm scared out of my fucking mind.
i don't like needles.
i don't like nurses.
i don't like doctors.
i don't like hospitals.
and i'm slightly pissed that Jay's stank ass is asleep instead of staying up being worried with me, or at least reassuring me that everything is gonna be fine and i have nothing to worry about because he's gonna be there the whole time holding my hand and will kick that doctor's ass if he does anything to hurt my baby.
pixie on my right shoulder is telling me i should cut him some slack because he was up until almost 4am studying for the 3 midterms he had back-to-back-to-back today.
pixie is saying "fuck that shit. this is his baby too. he needs to be up pacing or doing some jumping jacks or something. that cool, calm, collective shit is not cute anymore."
i've never been known to be a rational person, and i can go from "slightly pissed" to "FUCKING LIVID" in a matter of seconds.
it's gonna be a long night, kids.
Labels: baby business
Sunday, February 25, 2007
i just spent ten minutes tapping the keys because i don't know what the hell to write about.
let's see...... start with yesterday.
the kooky lady came for our second & last childbirth class/session.
labor & delivery & newborn care stuff.
4 fucking hours.
it wasn't that bad but it probably would've been better had Jay taken it more seriously and not been grabbing my ass the whole time. the labor & delivery stuff wasn't really new, so we breezed right through that. it was the newborn care part that made us both look like incompetent, unfit parents. you'd think with it being about babies and shit, the lady would've brought a more life-like doll to demonstrate with.
i'm convinced that bitch stopped at the dollar store on her way to our house and picked up the first little piece of shit doll she saw. my niece has dolls put together better than that piece of shit. every time Jay would attempt to put the diaper on, the thing would flip over and fall off the island. and he actually knows how to change diapers. he avoids the poopy ones like the plague, but he really does know how to change 'em.
then there was bathing the baby. we did it in the kitchen sink because we were trying to get through it as quickly as possible....... that didn't make us look like very good parents-to-be either.
between the two of us, we drowned that doll about 6 times. i kinda felt bad so i made Jay bring down the baby tub thinking it would make the whole thing a little easier and we wouldn't look so bad. it didn't. i blame it on that cheap ass doll not being able to flex and extend properly. though, i don't think i'm letting Jay bathe zoe the first couple of months.
after crazy lady left, we went out for food cause i was fucking starving. wendy's fries taste really good dipped in the frosty. yummy in my tummy. after that, we pretty much stayed home and watched basketball the rest of the day. well Jay did. it was storming out, so i was latched onto his side with the covers over my head. thunderstorms scurr me. eventually, i got some sex to distract me. that is really beginning to become a little more difficult. it doesn't matter how many times you try to move your belly around to get in a more comfortable position, it ain't happenin.
and why are people so shocked when they find out Jay and i are still having sex?
this morning we went grocery shopping. i wanted to stock up on food now just in case all doesn't go as well as expected on wednesday during the ECV and i have to deliver early. i'm so fucking nervous about that.
i can't eat after midnight the day of the whole thing. i always have a turkey and swiss sammich with cheese triscuits and grape juice around 2am.
we have to be at the hospital at 6am to check in and get blood drawn and all that stuff. i don't even go to sleep until 3-4am.
the procedure itself doesn't have an impressive success rate; and even if it does work, there's a great chance baby girl will turn her little stubborn ass right back into breech position.
and the worst part, of course, is the possibility of having to deliver early through emergency c-section. ugh. i'm beyond ready for all the stresses of pregnancy to be out of the way and bring home a happy and healthy and GORGEOUS baby girl.
but i digress.
this afternoon, Jay went tot he v@ndy/kentucky game while i went shopping with a couple of friends. i can't stop buying baby stuff. and if i buy stuff for baby girl, i have to buy stuff for my niece, nephew, and goddaughter because i feel bad when i leave them out. you know what? it not as much fun shopping for little boys as it is for little girls. 80% of clothes made for little boys are ugly as fuck. thank man for toys or that kid would be shit out of luck fucking with me.
damn. i just remembered i need to fed-ex his birthday presents asap.
mustard makes me nauseous.
and i don't give two shits about the academy awards.
i'm gonna go take a bubble bath.
Labels: baby business, my love, weekend stuff
Friday, February 23, 2007
my engorged tits are happily resting on my belly
welcome, welcome back kids.
i haven't really been in a blogging mood lately.
almost writer's block, but not quite.
i've had plenty to rant and rave about, i've just not had the desire to write it. probably because i've taking all my frustrations out on Jay.
he's getting a little break though because he went to one of the milliondollarbaby stores in town, said some really nasty things to people, and ordered the nursery furniture i wanted. so, everything will be here in about 2 weeks! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! that's perfect timing as Jay has midterms next week and his spring break is the following week. i told zoe not to make a surprise appearance before her daddy finishes his midterms and the nursery is finished, but she doesn't really listen to me. we'll see what happens.
at my checkup wednesday, i had a test for group B strep done and zoe's biophysical profile thingy. she did really well. i think she deserved a 10/10 but the nuDoc only gave her a 9 because "no baby ever scores a perfect 10". i wanted to kick him in the nuts when he said that. my baby is
a perfect 10.
she didn't have quite the same little growth spurt as last week, but it looks like she's steadily growing.
i almost pissed on the exam table thanks to all that extra fucking pressure on my bladder during baby girl's test. needless to say after 45 minutes of that and the comment about no baby scoring a perfect 10, i was not particularly pleased with nuDoc. douchebag.
baby girl has proven to be very stubborn like her mama. she has pretty much refused to turn. she's still booty-first so at next week's checkup i have to have an ECV to hopefully get her head-first. i'm DEFINITELY not looking forward to that. i'm scared something is going to go horribly awry and she'll be hurt and there won't be anything i can do about it.
since the weather is so pretty and spring-like today, Jay and i [along with that stupid dog] had a little picnic at the park. we stopped at the deli/bakery and got some sammiches and the best chocolate filled croissants EVAH.
later, while Jay was off playing frisbee with the dog, the cutest little brown-haired girl came over to me with grape popsicle juice running down the sides of her mouth, staing her pretty little strawberry shortcake dress. she couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 and she goes "are you having a baby?"
and i was like "yes, i'm having a little girl soon."
she goes, "my mommy's having a baby too. it's a boy. i'm gonna be a big brother." i thought that was the cutest thing i'd ever heard and i just started bawling. uncontrollably crying. the little girl was all weirded out so she was like "i'm gonna go play with my daddy now" as she slowly backed away.
i guess Jay saw the whole thing so he comes back over and he's like "what's wrong?" i tried to explain to him what the little girl said and that it was just the hormones but i was still crying. and crying and talking simultaneously never quite works out, so i just yelled "TAKE ME HOME! I HAVE TO PEE!"
for some reason, i always have to pee when i'm crying.
besides that whole crying fit, i enjoyed being away from the house a couple of hours, not obsessing over baby business.
but now i'm home so......
i've been having false labor contractions more often. that's some unpleasant shit. i was actually considering not having drugs during delivery because i thought i had high pain tolerance. FUUUUUUUCK that shit. there's no way in hell this baby's coming without me getting every drug possible. i will even temporarily forget i have an irrational fear of needles. i must have drugs.
has anyone been watching american idol? i haven't. there's nothing appealing about it to me anymore. however, i do find it interesting that one of the girls has some somewhat scandalous photos popping up
across al gore's internets, yet the producers have done or said nothing about it.
Labels: baby business, my love, so random, this is who i am
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
word to ya muvva.
i don't really have anything to write about today. it's really just the same shit, different toilet.
i eat a lot.
i cry a lot.
surprised? didn't think so.
i had a mini-breakdown last night.
i feel guilty about all the selfish thoughts i have, i.e. i don't get to go out and get drunk off my ass and do stuff everyone else i know gets to do. and when i start whining about all the shit i don't get to do anymore, i feel like i'm saying i don't want my baby, which couldn't be further from the truth. it's so fucking frustrating-- still wanting to do typical 21-year old girl stuff and preparing & wanting to be a mom. is that normal?
i'm so confused.
Jay attempted to make me feel better today by bringing home beads and tossing them at me everytime i flashed my belly. he's so cute. i wuv him. he grilled some yummy steaks and veggies tonight and we danced on our balcony. and baby girl got her dance on too. tryna steal my thunder.
i will never understand how Jay can grill anything to perfection, but when he's in the kitchen i've gotta keep a close eye on him cause he'll burn the house down.
i'm ready to be un-pregnant. going to the bathroom to pee has officially become a task
. it's not fun. it should not take me 7 whole minutes just to pee. oh yes. i'm timed it. 7 goddamn minutes from the couch to the bathroom and back.
i have heartburn. my mom says i get it all the time because baby girl has a lot of hair on her little head; i think it was the salsa i put on that potato and all the salsa i ate straight out of the bowl afterwards. i'm greedy.
BITCH! have you seen any recent pictures
of tori spelling's pregnant ass? i think she and i are due around the same time. i am soooooo not complaining about being fat anymore. her face looks so....what's the word?.....wrong. it's like she injected bacon fat all in her face and smushed around. i'm all belly, tits, and ass; my facial structure has hardly changed. more power to her man for waking up to that shit everyday.
oooh, it's wednesday now.
4 to go.
Labels: baby business, my love, so random
Monday, February 19, 2007
-Jay installed the car seats
in our cars this morning. i was really happy and excited when he finished. and then i cried. a lot. i'm gonna be a mommy soon. i don't know how to be a mom. this kid is gonna be in therapy for years.
-i didn't think it was humanly possible to pee as much as i do now.
-i have my last round of prenatal tests on wednesday. i'm glad i won't be getting poked with any needle because i'll raise hell, but getting swabbed in my nether regions isn't very appealing either.
-in the little baby pool we've got going, 12 out of 20 people picked days before me due date and the other 8 picked days after. the earliest is march 14th. the latest is april 3rd; though i'm considering disqualifying that particular person because he's a big weirdo and knows nothing. and march 20th was picked most often.
-king of the hill cracks my shit up. dang it, dale!
-i'm craving extra cheesy nachos with extra jalapeños and a strawberry milkshake with tons of whipped cream. but i don't wanna get any fatter than i am already. but i am hungry. i had a healthy breakfast, i walked half a mile, and i had a semi-healthy snack. i deserve to indulge a little bit.
-ugh. that dog needs to be taken to the groomer asap. she smells like all kinds of funk. it's making me nauseous.
-i haven't been very productive today. the only thing i've done is vacuum the bedroom and go for a walk. it's making a little anxious. i need something to do so i don't feel like a big useless blob. i'm getting some nachos and a milkshake.
-this stupid back belt thing is making me itch.
Labels: baby business, so random
Sunday, February 18, 2007
how can you not love this bitch?
how ya been?
i'm alright. it's late. i'm watching eddie murphy's "raw". it used to be funny. now, not so much.
zoe's got the hiccups. that's always a weird feeling. once that's passed, she'll be stomping around again.
it snowed today. it was nice but it didn't really stick. Jay and the dog ran outside and played in what little snow we did have. that was cute until they brought their nasty asses back in here tracking mud and shit through the house.
we had a nurse-midwife come by for a childbirth class/session. i didn't like her. she kept talking to me and Jay like we were five year olds. i had to deal with that shit for damn near 4 hours. and i didn't even learn anything new. thank geezus this is only a 2 session deal or i'd have to kill her.
my weight gain is really depressing. all those times that bitch of a doctor was telling me i needed to gain more weight and it was all unnecessary. nuDoc said i gained more weight than i should have. i just decided there should be a law that forbids any discussion of my weight by anyone who isn't me or they shall have their eyes gouged out be stoned to death by midgets with eyelashes from unicorns.
Jay and i worked on baby girl's and our scrapbook. we weren't very productive though cause i kept crying and getting snot all over everything.
he's not feeling well right now. the taco bell didn't agree with him. he's laying in bed in the fetal position rolling around, whining like a little baby. i tried to make him feel better by rubbing his tummy but he yelled at me and insisted i didn't understand the pain he was going through. apparently, carrying a child who likes to yank on the umbilical cord is a summer's breeze compared to having trapped gas for a minute or two. ugh. i'm not even gonna let him stick the head in when he wants some. asshole.
what else is there....oh! v@ndy beat florida today. i was really pissed at Jay for trying to watch that game while we had the childbirth session going on. but i do hope that win gets v@ndy in the tourney.
memphis beat gonzaga. i was really disappointed at how they almost let that game go with all their stupid mistakes and missing free throws.
my glasses are fuzzy.
i really wanna try new body butter that Jay bought, but i'm afraid if i alter anything in my routine i'll get stretch marks. and i can't have that.
did you know you can get hemorrhoids during labor while pushing? i didn't. my sister was telling me i shouldn't get too excited about not having them. she never got them while she was pregnant with my nephew but she got 'em during labor pushing his big ass out of her giney. so naturally, i asked if she crapped during the delivery and she hung up in my face; which leads me to believe she did. hell, i wasn't there; i had a chem exam that day. i'm just trying to be prepared for my own labor.
oh, lawd geezus, please don't let me shit on the table while i'm having my baby.
Labels: baby business, my love, so random, weekend stuff
Thursday, February 15, 2007
first off, i must say my hunny bunny is the bestest baby daddy.
he gives the best v-day gifts & sex evah!
so, last night, i thought we were going out for a nice little valentine's day dinner at nice little restaurant where they double the price of everything so they can make a profit off the hallmark holiday.
instead, i got a wonderful prenatal massage in our living room while Jay cooked dinner! *happy clap*
the massage was so fucking awesome. i think i came a little. my only complaint is that i couldn't get my lower back massaged the way i wanted because of all the baby business. but it was still great, nonetheless. and that lady totally copped a feel.
Jay made the best lobster and stuffed artichokes. i was pleasantly surprised wit how everything turned out because that boy cannot boil water without fucking up something. for dessert we had banana split fondue. so delicious my panties were off before we made it upstairs.
we didn't really get past the *heavy petting* stage the first time around because baby girl decided she wanted to get an early start on ruining Jay's and my sex life.
having sex while she's moving around is too much like having sex with a kid in the room staring right at the peen as it penetrates the giney.
so yeah, there's no sex when she's active and there's no swallowing of the love mayonnaise. i'm not too keen about having love mayonnaise splattered on my stomach either, but we all have to compromise on some things.
anyhoos, that was my valentine's day.
when Jay's in class i usually sit in the nursery wrapped in a blanket, screen/avoid phone calls, talk to my baby girl and listen to her little heartbeat and other movements, and do some scrapbooking. today, was kinda like that except i got pissed and cried for an hour because i hate the color scheme in that room and the only piece of furniture in there is the rocker Jay bought a few months ago. we actually found a couple of pieces on a baby furniture site that looks similar to the collection i originally wanted but we never ordered it because it looks so cheaply made.
i'm feeling better since Jay brought home some wendy's and fresh fruits from the store, and he rubbed my feet and kissed my forehead and promised the nursery will be perfect for zoe before she's here, even if he has to leave me at the hospital and come home to build everything himself.
he's so sweet and charming sometimes.
Labels: baby business, my love
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
i'm not sure about it yet.
it's the day that hallmark makes you feel like shit if you're single.
i'm not single so i'm bragging on my shit.
i'd convinced myself that Jay was gonna be an evil asshole and not get me anything and make me a thousand times more miserable than before. luckily, he remembered i'm not a very nice person when i don't get gifts on special occasions.
now, he says he intentionally made me think he was upset with me so i wouldn't constantly ask him what he got me for V-Day. not cute. anyhoos, at midnight, i was gifted with pink & blue tulips with a care bear valentine card (made from the kit!!!) and a gift set of carol's daughter ocean collection.
i'm not sure who was most excited about the gift, me or baby girl. she's such a little busy body. i'm really happy he remembered tulips are my favorite and that i love the care bears! that card was so fuckin cute; especially considering i'd just wrote about how he snubbed me on V-Day 13 years ago. i'm more surprised he actually pays attention to the products [carol's daughter] i use.
for him, i got Jay a bvlgari gift set since he loves that cologne so much, a cutesy little card, and a scrapbook i've started that chronicles our relationship from the very beginning to the pregnancy. it's something we can finish together while awaiting the little one's arrival; though something tells me i'm gonna be putting in more hours than he will.
after the gift exchange, i got a backrub. and once the wiggle worm settled down, i got some much-needed lovin'.
this morning was the checkup. it looks like she's gained a couple ounces and she's about an inch longer than last week. definitely a plus. but she's still being a stubborn and has not turned yet. boooo.
nothing really new to report. any day now is fair game, but we wanna go the whole 40 weeks to give her enough time to gain some more weight. i'm aiming for spring break-- Jay's midterms will be out of the way and he won't have to miss a significant amount of class days. i'm getting neerrrrrvous again.
apparently, there's more to this valentine's gift because i was just told to get my ass upstairs and find something "nice" to wear because he has a surprise for me. dinner, maybe? he better have reservations cause i'm not walking my pregnant ass all downtown trying to find somewhere to eat when it's 25 damn degrees outside.
happy valentine's day, y'all.
eat lots of chocolate for me. =)
Labels: baby business, my love
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
i used to think i was gonna have at least 4 kids because i wanted a large family. not no mo'. pregnancy and i don't really mesh well. i'm quite unstable without the pregnancy hormones. if it weren't for that and the rapid weight gain, i think i'd enjoy pregnancy but i don't. this shit is not working for me. i mean, words will never be able to capture the love i have my baby girl, but this just isn't for me.
i know we'll try again for a boy when zoe's around 2 and i've had time to re-adjust, but if it doesn't happen, i won't be too disappointed. we can adopt. i'm not on some angelina or madonna shit though. i don't need to go to another country to
adopt a baby. i'm getting a little too far ahead of myself. Jay and i are barely speaking to each other and i'm on baby #2.
you know? he's really pissing me off because i don't know if he's still mad about that fight, if he's just being an ass so i'll appreciate his valentine's gift more [which btw just feeds the pissiness because i don't know what or if he's gotten me anything], or if he's dealing with some other shit he doesn't wanna talk to me about. whatever it is, some goddamn love and attention would be nice. asshole.
our very first valentine's day together [but not really together
] he was a little douchebag. you know how in elementary school you get those cartoon-ish valentine cards and give 'em out to the whole class?
3rd grade, our class had a little party so we could exchange the little cards and candies with our classmates. my mom made cupcakes. i remember my little brother got sick because he kept sneaking spoonfuls of batter when she wasn't paying attention.
anyhoos, that year, it was a monday, J brought looney tunes valentine cards and he gave one to every single girl in the class except ME. by this time, we had kinda marked each other as our territory but we still hated each other. so, when i realized he didn't give me a card, i was as livid as an 8 year old can get. i took one of those cupcakes and smashed it all in his face. and he pushed my little ass into the chalkboard and bit me. and i bit him back. we rolled around on the floor for like a minute screaming, trying to kill each other. then we got sent home with a 3 day suspension. that happened a lot. but ever since that valentine's day, he's always bought me something. even when we were broken up, he sent me flowers, a teddy bear, and some perfume. i threw it away because i hated his guts, but the fact that he still sent me a gift made my innards all warm and fuzzy.
where was i going with this?
OH! if i don't get at least a "happy valentine's day", i'm raising all kinds of hell up in here. don't be surprised if you see my pregnant ass on your local news getting carried away in handcuffs.
you know what? it's really cool that baby girl was conceived on or around Jay's birthday, but i fucking hate the month of march. it's unnecessarily long and my allergies are always a bitch.
there is spring break and march madness. yays!
i'm out of college and i'm pregnant so i won't be at nobody's beach wearing a bikini with a margarita in one hand and somebody's dick in the other. i have no spring break. and my interest in college basketball has fallen dramatically this season. i think it's because JJ Redick doesn't play for duke anymore. he makes my giney wet.
ugh. i'm so ready to have this baby. i have 50 whole motherfucking pounds to lose by this summer. and that's not very far away. summer begins when Jay graduates. may 11th. that gives me less than 2 months post-partum to get rid of this shit. oh, i feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression.
check-up tomorrow! even if i don't get any special attention from the sperm donor, i'll have seen my little wiggle worm. i'll be pissed, but that little squishy face always makes my day. =)
that's the only happy thought i have at the moment.
everything else is just a big disappointment and irks the hell out of me. what was i thinking when i decided the nursery should be pink and black? i loved the room when Jay painted it. but the other night when i sitting in there talking to my little one, it just looked horrible. i don't want that color scheme anymore. i hate it. it's so gross. it literally made me sick.
i need to find someone who does cornrows really well. almost everytime i watch "a baby story", those women in labor's hair is always fucked up. and y'all know i'm sensitive about my hair. i can't be looking like medusa while giving birth. i know you're thinking "you're gonna be pushing a baby out of your cooch. your hair is gonna be the last thing on your mind."
and that, my friends, is where you're all wrong. almost a year ago, Jay and i were in a really bad accident that could've killed me. i cried THE MOST over not being able to do my hair because my arms were so sore and bruised.
so yeah, i need a 'do that's gonna last for at least a week, otherwise we're gonna have to tell zoe all cameras were on recall the day she was born and that's why we have no pictures of her and mommy after her arrival.
i'm so fucking horny. Jay's gonna have to get over whatever he's going through right now and give me some dick when he gets home. i should not have to be sexually frustrated when i have a man with a fully functioning peen living with me.
i know, my thoughts are all over the place today. aren't they always? it doesn't matter. i'm just gonna blame it on the pregnancy anyway.
Labels: baby business, my love, so random, this is who i am
Monday, February 12, 2007
the world is trying to destroy me.
i hate the nursery.
i have cankles.
i have back fat.
i can't shave my legs.
the only thing i can wear are sweats and J's t-shirts.
he's a douchebag times a bajillion.
i have a headache that refuses to go away.
it takes entirely too motherfucking long to straighten my goddamn hair.
i want some sleep.
i found a random strand of hair near my belly button. wtf?
false labor is NOT fun.
i want some ice cream
I WANT THIS BABY OUT OF ME!
I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
i bet anna nicole OD'd on painkillers
my day actually started off really great. i got some morning nookie and had myself a big bowl of strawberries and blueberries with whipped cream before my checkup with the nuDoc. did you know they can tell when you've just had sex? i don't like him all up in my business like that. anyhoos, baby girl is still smaller than what she should be.baby stats:
she's just now over 3 pounds. she was about 2.5 at the end of december. but she's still growing at a nice steady rate, so he told me i really shouldn't worry about it. i may be a little farther along so he moved my due date up a week. or is it back a week? it was march 27th, now it's the 21st. i guess it's a good thing since that's one less week i have to waddle around, i just don't want to have her prematurely and her little stubborn needs to turn before her highly anticipated arrival. as usual, she was adorable as ever on the sonogram sucking on her little thumb and waving. and it looks like she's gonna have a head full of hair. i hope she doesn't have issues with her hair like i do.
since she was awake, Jay talked to her and she actually moved from one side to get closer to the sound of voice. i'm a little jealous. i cried because it was so sweet but i'm still jealous. she does whatever he wants but gets an attitude when i ask her to stop punching me in the gut. ooh, i wonder if he talks to her through my giney if she'll turn.mommy stats:
my blood pressure is a little high. and i'm fat. all the weight isn't really distributed evenly so i'm supposed to be on "light bed rest" for the remainder of my pregnancy so my back doesn't get any worse and i don't break a hip. psh. bed rest and i don't really work well together. ooh! nuDoc recommended bi-weekly back massages but my stupid insurance probably won't pay for it.
let's see....after the checkup we went to lunch at the cheesecake factory. that jambalaya pasta gave me the worst heartburn. i really need to stop eating spicy foods. i stole one of Jay's avocado egg rolls when he wasn't looking. it tasted like shit so i had to put it back on his plate when he wasn't looking. when he noticed the half-eaten one he got this really stupid look on his face.him: did you eat my egg roll?me: "you know eggs give me gas."him: "hmmph....."me: "i like your face."him: "i like your face."me: "i want cheesecake."him: "i think you ate my eggroll."me: "i think you're stupid."him: "i think you're an asshole."me: "lick it, bitch."him: "you're ridiculous."me: "i know."
that's how we roll.
after that, we came home for a nap and pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon doing a whole lotta nothin.
fast forward to around 9pm when one of his friends called and asked him to give him a jump. no problem. we drove out, gave him a jump and followed him back to his house just to make sure he made it home safely. we went up to shoot the shit and the boys went back out to look at the kid's truck. i stayed inside since it was cold and some other folks had come over and i was in a socializing mood. then the kid girlfriend comes over.
she doesn't like me because i called her out on being a fake bitch like two fucking years ago. i don't really don't care though. she's a fucking nobody, but she's been holding a grudge ever since. whatever.
i was sitting on this bar stool talking to two other people and she stands like a foot away from me and starts talking obscenely loud on her cellphone. i asked very nicely for her to either move or lower her voice. she looked at me and rolled her eyes and kept on talking loudly. i turned back around and she goes "you got a problem?" and i was like "hell yeah. you're standing right behind me cackling like a fucking hyena. you need to use your inside voice or move the fuck away from me." she starts yelling and making a complete ass out of herself.
pre-baby business i would've just knocked the fuck out of her and been done with it, but i decided to just go outside and wait for Jay. as i'm walking out the door she's still talking shit. by now, i'm pissed but i'm letting it go because if i fight her, i'm either going to jail for killing her or i'm gonna be in the hospital because i know that dirty whore would try to hit me in my stomach and hurt my baby.
so, i'm standing outside with a couple other people, waiting for Jay, and we're talking about how ridiculous that bitch is being. she come out and shoulder checks me while mumbling "pregnant bitch" under her breath as she walks past me.
i don't do that passive aggressive shit. so i told her if she's feeling so goddamn froggy to jump. she said something like "i'll knock that baby out of your ass." when she said that shit, i snapped and knocked the shit out of her with my purse [which just so happened to have my fetal heart monitor and a big jar of vaseline in it]. when she fell to the ground, i hopped on top of her and started punching her. my ring fucked her face up and i ripped out her weave and some of her real hair when Jay pulled me off of her.
AND THE BITCH WAS STILL TALKING SHIT!
you just got your ass whooped. your face is bloody and you've got a big ass chunk of hair missing. why are you still talking? move on!
then, Jay was yelling at me about how stupid that was and i should know better and some other shit i didn't feel like hearing.
it wasn't my fault. that was self defense. bitch was in my face talking shit. i felt threatened so i beat her ass. and she knew exactly what she was doing. she's had plenty of chances to get at me but she chose to wait until i'm 8 fucking months pregnant to get ballsy and want to show her ass because she thought i wouldn't fight her and she could whoop MY ass. how fucking disgusting is that? if she hadn't said anything about my baby, i would've just walked it off and let her run off at the mouth. but she did, so now she's walking around looking like the crypt keeper.
i was pretty shaken up after everything happened because i didn't feel zoe move around AT ALL the whole drive home and she's always active at night. after we got home and i calmed down a bit, she was at it again, but not as usual. it was like she was checking to make sure it was safe to move around. her little heart rate was up, but it went back to normal as i relaxed more, which i'm so happy for.
i feel really bad and disappointed with myself because it could've been so much worse than it was and it would've been my fault because i don't know how to walk away from confrontation. i'm 21 and still walk around fighting like a fucking kid when i've got my own to worry about. i don't know how i could let someone like that imbecile push me over the edge like that. [insert heavy sigh here]
Jay's still really worried about me and baby girl so he made me go to campus and stay with him all day while he was taking tests. afterwards we walked over to the ER so i could get checked out. baby girl is fine but my blood pressure is still high so i've gotta take it easy for a while. he's purposely making me feel worse about it. i know how childish and irresponsible it was, i don't need him or anyone else telling me that every five minutes.
kiss my ass.
Labels: baby business, my love, this is who i am
i'm having the worst fucking night.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
nevah in the history of niggadom
wait a minute.
let me put some pimpin
' in it.
! i missed his stinkin
he got home around 10ish monday
i was so happy to see him i peed my shorts a little.
the dog peed all on his leg and the floor.
and of course baby girl was excited to hear her daddy's voice so she did roundhouse kicks and backflips
all over my uterus.
we pretty much stayed in bed all day. he told me about all the famous people he saw and met [jealousssssss
!!!!], and we watched some of the stuff he filmed over the weekend, but mostly we just snuggled and caught up on the sex. the only time we got out of bed was to go to the bathroom and get food from the kitchen.
today was more of the same for him. he's still tired from the weekend so he ditched classes and slept all day while i did the usual shit-- baby business, eating, napping, walking the dog, cleaning, etc.
always had a thing about vacuuming, but i really don't know how the obsessive cleaning habit started. it was definitely around the time Jay and i started dating the second time around but it wasn't because
he and i were dating.
i remember this one time my mom got so fed up with me leaving my clothes scattered all over my room, she picked up all the clothes i had lying around and put them all on my bed as incentive for me to put the shit away. but no, i just laid a blanket over them and slept on top of the pile for almost a month. once she realized i wasn't gonna put any of it away, my mom threw everything that wasn't in a closet or drawer in a big trash bag and gave it all to the goodwill. that was one of many times i raised unholy hell in that house. but that's beside the point.
i think the older i get the more like my mom i become. that's a hard pill to swallow; especially when i've
insisted the only likeness we share are DNA and a tendency to cuss people out at any given moment. in fact, i've
spent most of my life making sure i'm
nothing like that woman because of how fucked up i've
turned out to be. and now i'm
gonna be a mom.
7 weeks to go.
i think i'm
more anxious than anything else now. i can hardly wait to meet this little wiggle worm that's been living inside me and listening to my crazy ass the past 8 months. but of course, there are always those moments where i feel completely overwhelmed and unprepared for all this baby business. the pregnancy is the easy part. what the fuck am i gonna do when she's actually here? i don't know. i'm
just really afraid i'm
gonna try so hard to be everything my mom wasn't that i'll
end up a bad mom anyway and my kids will turn out just as, if not more, emotionally fucked up as i am.
ugh. i really need to figure out how to go to sleep at a decent hour and stay asleep.
this late-night blogging ain't my cup o' tea.
Labels: baby business, my love, so random, this is who i am
Monday, February 05, 2007
i had a panic attack while i was asleep this morning. i don't remember what i dreamed about, but towards the end of it i started freaking out about something.it turned into some kind of weird, lucid dream-- i knew i was about to have a panic attack but i couldn't wake up; so i was consciously and subconsciously having a panic attack and couldn't stop it. when i woke up, i was sweating and hyperventilating and even more freaked out because i couldn't tell if baby girl was okay. thankfully, all is well with her but i don't ever want to experience that shit again.
i've been thinking a lot about who she'll look more like, her daddy or me. i think she's gonna have a lot of Jay's facial features but i don't know how her skin tone is gonna be. she's gonna be pretty fair-skinned since i'm mixed and he's white. i was thinking about victoria rowell and her daughter
and how she doesn't look like she has a drop of black blood in her [victoria is half black, half white & her daughter's father is british]. i don't want my baby to look like that-- blonde hair, blue-eyed little freak of nature. my little girl has got some black and puerto rican blood flowing through those little veins and i want it to show.
okay, basically, i don't want her to look too much like Jay. i'm sure that sounds horrible but that's just the way it is. deal with it. little girls should look like their mommies. and i'm pretty so i have to have pretty babies. not that she'll be ugly, i just want her to have a nice creamy caramel complexion like me.we'll have little boys. i won't care which one of us they look like because they'll be cute as hell anyway. i just wanna hear "awww, she looks just like you" when i'm showing her off and making bitches jealous.
i love robin thicke
. i'm really excited for him as he's getting more mainstream exposure. his song "lost without u" from his latest album is really good to listen to during foreplay. ;)
i think it's like the 3rd most played song on my ipod. and his wife
is so fucking gorgeous. i love cute interracial couples. i'd do 'em both for free.
the colts won the superbowl! yays! now peyton has the proverbial monkey off his back. i'm proud of him and the way the colts played today, and tony dungy making history being the first black head coach to win a superbowl.
yaaaay black people!
i underestimated how needy i really am. it's kinda sad. it's not my fault though. i mean, he's the only person i've ever been emotionally attached to. i can count on one hand the number of meaningful relationships i have outside of this one. he's like my very own sanctuary. so it's difficult for me to just let him go and share him with people. [even when it's just for a few days KIMMY
!] hell, i miss him like crazy when he's gone just a few hours for class. i've hated not having him in bed with me at night to hold me and rub my belly and whisper sweet nothings in my ear all weekend.
i didn't have a party or anything. i went over a friend's house instead. yay for not having to cook or clean.
there was this really dumb girl who kept talking to me. it was nice at first because she gave me a reason to talk about my baby girl and Jay; but then when i was telling her about how Jay and i met when we were kids and all that stuff, she goes "that's so sweet. y'all should write a book about your love story and then make a movie about it." who says shit like that?
she could be on to something though.
i'm so ready for my wooby to come home so i can kiss him and hump him and smack him around for leaving me home alone all weekend. i just might cook dinner. i've been craving dirty rice and sweet cornbread. i don't understand the mayonnaise cravings. that's so gross. all that fat and cholesterol and sodium. it's why i'm so fucking huge now.
and the taco bell.
i'm pretty sure that's the reason i have back fat. but we're not gonna discuss that because i get very angry and my blood pressure goes up and that's not good for my little zoe.
i think she back-talked to me today. i was getting some unpleasant kicks so i started swaying side to side since that usually helps. this time it didn't so i raised my voice a little and said "zoe, stop doing that to mommy. it hurts!" and that little heifer gave me one last swift kick in the side before settling down. the kid is still in utero and already needs an attitude adjustment.
that's not a good sign of things to come.
Labels: baby business, my love, weekend stuff
Saturday, February 03, 2007
being alone sucks rancid ass.
last night wasn't too bad though. i talked to Jay but only for a second because i was still upset with him. i distracted myself with funny movies and ice cream while the wiggle worm listened to symphony no. 9. i know the "mozart effect" is total bullshit but i think it's better to have her listen to an eclectic mix of music instead of just one genre or artist. the music is supposed to help turn her from breech position too. i don't know though; she's pretty stubborn like her momma. but we'll see on wednesday at our next visit with the nuDoc.
today, a couple of friends took me out to cheer me up. unfortunately, they didn't realize retail therapy does not work as well when you're pregnant-- everything you try on is either 10 sizes bigger than what you normally wear or doesn't fit at all; thus making your day worse than it was just an hour before. i did get some cute earrings and bracelets though. =)
we drove out to opry mills for some fun and games at dave & buster's. i thought it was just a random outing but it was actually a little surprise set. since i haven't been able to go out to any bars or clubs, they planned one last official hangout sesh before i'm a mommy and never have a social life ever again.
i cried a little.
then, i kicked all the boys' asses in skeeball. i really wanted to shoot some pool but that didn't work out too well with all this baby business in the way. i think bay girl was a little weirded out from the weird noises in the gaming area. those were not very friendly kicks.
there was this evil little red-headed, freckle-faced bastard who tried to steal my tickets! i saw him do it to a few people so when he came my way, i snatched that little prick up by the collar of his shirt and shook the shit outta him. i told him if he came near me again i'd rip off his little dick and feed it to the wolves. that little fucker kept his distance too. i was kinda hoping he'd tell his mom though. she deserved a good ass-whooping because she saw him doing that shit and didn't say a word to him.
overall, i had a 4 hours of good fun with my
friends. eating greasy fried foods after a week of nothing but soup and juice was fucking awesome. i think i came a little after eating those cheesesticks.
now, i'm just relaxing on the couch. my feet hurt like hell. i hope i don't wake in the morning with cankles. so not sexy.
talked to Jay again. he's having a good time partying up in miami. he's ran into quite a few celebrities. he doesn't really care though. he's probably surrounded by tons of famous people and he knows maybe 2 or 3 of 'em and that's only because they're athletes and he's a sports fanatic.
if it was me, i'd be walking around with my Us weekly in tow and be like "you don't look nothing like the pictures. why are you so short? photoshop is definitely your friend."
all i really want is for my baby to come home with an autograph from prince. then his going away for the weekend would be totally worth it to me.
i asked him if he's been flirting and dancing with those south beach whores. he said the only thing he's done is flirt with a few girls but he did have to push one drunk skank away from him. i told him flirting is the farthest it gets cause he knows i'll know if he's done otherwise and i'll cut him. if he's smart, he'll be a good doggy the rest of his little vacation.
i'm debating on whether or not to have a superbowl party this time around. i'll probably invite only a few people over. every year i've had a party, i've gotten in a fight with someone, so i think it's best to keep it small this year.
i don't know.
i'm gonna go watch purple rain.
Labels: baby business, my love, weekend stuff
Friday, February 02, 2007
physically and mentally drained.
i think my asthma is getting worse. i can barely make it upstairs without having to stop and catch my breath. this nasty cold isn't really helping either.
and then there's the douchebag of the month. if i wasn't carrying his child, i'd kick his ass.
most of the time, he's wonderful, loving, supportive, and every other quality you'd want in a man. that's the person i wanna be with and make babies with the rest of life.
but there are times he reverts back to that glue-sniffing prick i met in the 3rd grade who likes to put boogers in my hair and push me off the swing because he gets off on hurting me. i cannot stand that person, almost to the point where i don't wanna be with him anymore.
i'm really pissed that he's leaving me home alone for the weekend. i don't think i'm being unreasonable for not wanting him to go. i'm terrified something's gonna happen to me and/or our baby and he won't be here because he wanted to go some stupid game he could've watched on tv at home.
men are stupid.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
i think i figured out why i'm always getting stuck in the bathtub and the papasan.
my ass is HUGE!
i'm pretty sure it's growing at the same rate as the buddha belly.
it's not pretty.
i drank a liter of mountain dew last night.
i couldn't really taste it but i had the worst indigestion.
burps are fun though.
i'm still really confused as to why he would feel like i'm not including him in the pregnancy. he told me he had this dream where i was showing off the new baby and everytime he would get near us someone would push him away or i'd just ignore him and not acknowledge his presence.
first of all, no one besides the mommy and daddy are breathing anywhere near my baby the first 3 months. it's just a fact.
the only thing i get really pissy with him about is when he tries to TAKE OVER the things i normally do, like household stuff. and that's not really my fault.
i cannot control being obsessive-compulsive. and if he would just do everything the way it's supposed to be done, it wouldn't be a problem. what is so difficult about making all the lines in the carpet parallel when you vacuum? hell, he should be glad i still wanna do all that stuff.
and the reason i get really upset with him for touching me is because he does it to provoke that very reaction. if you don't wanna get punched in the skull, then don't bite my ass and yell "JUICY BOOTY!" or squeeze my boobs and then
ask if they're sore.
OMG! that dickface! he was totally trying to make me feel bad so he could leave for the weekend without me bitching at him.
OH HELL NO!
Labels: so random