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Thursday, April 16, 2009

    that other shoe?

it pretty much just fell.

-my mother has lupus which has been well-controlled, but now she has pneumonia. not good when you practically have no immune system to fight it off. 'hello, sepsis. how are you today?'

-my little brother has decided to acquire a heroin addiction. it explains so much of his recent behavior but all i can think is "how did this happen?" and "how did i not know?"

-my husband was given 2 days notice before he had to leave the country for 2 weeks to work at his job's international office. the day he left was the day i got the phone call from

so, i've had to make a temporary move back home with a teething almost-7 month old in tow.

i get to spend 1 hour three times a day with my mom, who's so drugged up, barely even knows i'm there.

in between visits, i'm begging and pleading with my 21 year old brother to get some fucking help; then he goes off on a bender and i don't see or hear from him for 2 days. when he does show his face,we do this dance all over again.

everytime i talk to my husband, we're either arguing about his job and why he's not here with me and our daughter or we just sit holding the phone because neither one of us has anything to say.

oh yeah, i have this cute, but constantly crying littleface teething in an environment she's not very unfamiliar with and doesn't know where her daddy is.

have i ever mentioned how much i hate hospitals? i still do, but this one has krispy kreme donuts and wi-fi.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

    "it'll only hurt for a minute"

i went to the doctor today to discuss how we're gonna treat this little mass on my spine that's giving me all kinds of hell. of the 4 options available, 2 didn't apply to me (chemo, radiation) and i sure has hell ain't lettin nobody cut near, around, or anywhere in the vicinity of my spine. so, i've started the cortisone injections again. *heavy sigh*

the needles, man. the needles.

and the motherfucker had the nerve to tell me to relax.

"do you see that big ass needle in your hand? fuck a relax. you're not the bitch getting a 50 inch needle stuck in their goddamn back 80 motherfucking times. hell, i'd rather get ass-raped. TWICE!"

"just take a deep breath....you're gonna feel a little pressure and before you know it, we'll be done."

"how the fuck would you know? a little pressure is somebody shaking your hand a little too firmly. you're putting goddamn puncture wounds in my BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

repeat 6x

so that was my morning. ahh, such bliss.

then, i came home and saw my littleface just a-bouncing in her little jumper, smearing her little cookies all over the place without a care in the world. everything that happened just minutes before i'd got didn't matter anymore. my little ava-bug. she is love love love. she's just too cute. when she saw me she was so excited and did her best to try to get to me. but then she realized she wasn't in her walker and couldn't go anywhere so she started fussing at me 'like, bitch you see i'm stuck! come and get me!' and she gave me the bestest nastiest, wettest, cookie crumbly kisses and put her cookie down my shirt. those are the moments i live for.

i really do enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom. there are times when i do kinda miss having more adult conversations and hanging out with my good friends. but honestly, hanging out with my little girl is a lot more fun. she's such an amazing little person and i get to literally watch her grow and learn new things everyday.

being a mom is an experience unlike any other. a year ago, this kid was like the size of a golf ball IN MY BELLY! pregnancy and giving birth are just extraordinary experiences. those ten little fingers and ten little toes? I BUILT 'EM! those luscious little lips? i did that too. yeah, her daddy sperminated me, but i did all the work.

there's nothing like cuddling with that little girl, looking into her eyes and knowing that she knows she's safe with her mommy.


my goddamn back is still sore though.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

    long story short

i went to see a chiropractor who sent me back to my pcp who sent me to get an mri which showed a tumor on my spine which had to be biopsied. 4 days later, i get the results. tumor is benign. now, i have 4 days of eating to catch up on and endless amounts of cuddling to do with my little inky binky and my hubby.