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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

    stuff i hate

allergies- they make my head feel all stuffy even though there's plenty of leakage from my nose.

the day after a strenuous workout- not only do i have to deal with the old lady vagina and pine sol smell of the gym and own vagina sweating, but i gotta feel like somebody just ran over me with a semi the day after. i don't appreciate that shit.

drunk drivers who get off with a year of probation and some community service and then have to nerve to cop an attitude cause we're making you pay my hospital bills and damage to J's truck when i could've sued your stank ass for every cent you have plus your first-born child. ungrateful bitch.

bitches who flirt with my man right in front of me and then wonder why i punch 'em in the face and kick 'em in the back of the head. had you waited until i left to start acting like a desperate whore, you wouldn't be sitting at home looking like a bloated seal now.

wingzone- their hotwings suck ass. and i don't even think that was real chicken. i know what real chicken tastes like, and that wasn't it.

being so fucking busy that i don't get to have sex two days in a row- that shit should be illegal. somebody needs to find a way to make 36 hour days.

people who always wanna talk about what god has done for them- shut the fuck up. you are free to worship whatever or whomever you want. i just don't wanna hear about it, cause really all you're telling me is how you have no control of your own life.

MSN- it always cause my AIM to malfunction whenever i'm signed on to both at the same time. piece of shit.

blogger hyping up this beta shit when it doesn't even work the way it's supposed to. y'all can kiss my ass.

the jonbenet ramsey case- i don't care what you say, her parents did it.

the level of comfortability in this relationship with J- if he ever pees on me while we're in the shower ever again, y'all will see my ass on the news in cuffs cause i've strangled that nigga with my loofah. i've been traumatized enough from my own urine; i don't need his too.

flat-ironing my hair- that shit takes entirely too long. and there's always that one section that refuses to straighten like the rest of my hair, tempting me to just chop all this shit off. but i love my hair too much for that.

burning a hole in my chanel bag- oh, how i my heart aches. that shit is almost enough to make quit smoking. almost.

morbidly obese people who drive compact-sized cars- why? you have enough to deal with just by being overweight, and you wanna drive a '92 honda accord? maybe you didn't get the memo but i will sit and watch you struggle to get out of that thing for twenty minutes, and i will cackle like a hyena. i don't care if you can hear me cause there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. i can run faster than you can fart.


this shit will be going back to private when blogger gets their shit together.
enjoy it while you still can.


Sunday, August 27, 2006

    growing up meems

i talked to my grandpa this morning.
it was quite interesting.

when i was younger, i used to love being at my grandparents house because there was always something to do. there's over 30 acres of land filled with dozens of farm animals, two huge ponds we'd go swimming or fishing in, and veggie gardens everywhere. it was like our own little private zoo.

during the winter months, my younger brother and i would fight over who's turn it was to ride with my grandpa on his tractor to take bells of hay out to the pasture.

when it was time to take one or two of the cows out for slaughtering, i was out there with the big boys when they'd kill the 'em. i actually watched cows get shot in the head and their throats slit so the blood could drain out. and i thought it was so awesome and couldn't wait to see it again.

i used to catch chickens for pawpaw and watch him chop off their heads and watch the little carcasses run around in a circle afterwards. that shit was hilarious to me. i was like, 'wooooo! dead stuff! yeah!'

i helped skin a pig once. that i actually didn't enjoy because it smelled so bad.

I ATE RABBITS AND DEER! i know i used to get on that man's nerves cause every time i saw him, i'd ask "pawpaw, when we gon' have some rabbit again.'

now, today, you couldn't pay me to do that shit. not without having some serious psychotherapy afterwards. well, that rabbit meat is delicious with some biscuits and gravy, but i wouldn't be a part of the actual killing of the rabbit now. and i couldn't eatbambi now. it's just cruel.

but i think that's the image of me my grandad still has, his little country girl. so this morning, we were talking and i was asking him had he took his morningmeds and to check his blood sugar and all that stuff and he started telling me about three of his cows having calves a day after the other and one of the bulls jumping the fence and all this other stuff.

i'm used to him ignoring everything i tell him health-related and him just going on a tangent about his animals, but it's still so trippy because he's never acknowledged me growing up.

so, i'm laying in bed and he's telling me all this stuff about having to pull one of the calves out of it's mommy because she was having a difficult labor. J wakes up and rolls over onto me with his raging boner, starts kissing my neck and says "mornin' babydoll" and my grandad stops in the middle of whatever he's saying and goes "what man's voice is that i heard?"

not thinking it was a big deal, i was like "pawpaw, that's just J."

that man shot the fuck off.

"girl, what you got that man up in that house with you for? you got 'em all up in ya bed? you don't need to be living with no man. kids these days, i tell you the truth."

and it's so funny because 1) his grammar is so horrible, and 2) he knows J and how long we've been together and 3) i'm 20 years old.

in his eyes J grew up, but i didn't. i'm still the little 9 year old running around chasing chickens for him and fighting with my little brother to ride on his tractor.

to get the man off the phone, i had to lie and tell him i had to get ready for church cause it definitely wasn't the time for him to find out i don't believe in god anymore.i'm almost positive he would've had a heart attack or a stroke or both had he heard that bit of information.

and J's simple ass was still on top of me grinding, trying to get some and i'm like 'dude, do you have any idea what you've just done?'

within the next hour, i got about 20 phone calls from family members, including my mom, asking me what the hell did i do cause my grandad has called them and cussed them out because J and i live together. i don't even know how half of thosenegroes got my number.

i think what really pissed everyone off, was me not being apologetic about it. what the fuck do i have to apologize for? the old man being stuck in his ways? for living with the man i love and plan to marry? for living my life the way i want to?

hell the fuck no. they'll find osama's dingy ass before that shit happens.

it's like the shit with my dad happening all over again.

i don't even care. they can all kiss my ass and choke on a fat one.

it wasn't that long ago in history where 12, 13, and 14 year old little girls were married off to much older men because you couldn't have two menstruating females living under the same roof. but today, an adult woman living with someone she loves and is in a monogamous relationship with, but not married to, is wrong. it'ssoooo un-christian. you're going to hell for that.

christianity can bite me.

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Saturday, August 26, 2006

    i heart cereal and cartoon saturdays

i hate being around other guys' girlfriends. they're not as awesome like me. i know i have my moments where i'm not the bestest girlfriend in the world BUT i'm still more awesome than they are.

last night, J and i went to a bar to hang out with some of his friends from where he interned. i didn't wanna go if their girlfriends were gonna be with them but J told me they wouldn't so i was cool with it.

we get to the bar and one of the girls was there. i pinched the shit out of J but he told me he didn't know she was gonna be there so i forgave him. one douchebag was better than three of them so i didn't get my panties all up in a bunch about it. my eye twitched a little, but i kept my mouth shut.

i swear we weren't there for even half an hour before that bitch started complaining. the same shit happened the last time we hung out; i had to bite my tongue though because i had promised J i wouldn't say anything.

i didn't promise shit this time though. the cunt started going on and on about it being too smokey and noisy IN A BAR. before i knew it, i jumped across the table and tried to choke the vocal chords outta that bitch. she's lucky J grabbed me when he did or i would've fucked her shit up.

i have no patience nor tolerance for dumb shit like that. you don't go to a bar, where people drink and smoke, and then complain about it being noisy and smokey. that's like swimming in a pool and complaining about the water being too wet. the fuck is wrong with you? people like that need to be eliminated from the gene pool asap. or at least have their sex organs chopped off or sewn shut so they don't reproduce.


this season of big brother has really disappointed me. i just knew season 6 was gonna come in whooping ass and taking names.

[in my best charlie murphy voice] WRONG! WRONG!

they're gameplay was just stupid. why would trust a person who was KNOWN for lying during his season, and even walks around wearing a tshirt that says "i'm probably lying" [or something like that]? i am baffled beyond belief by it. but as much as i hate will, his pasty white ass, and his little mike, he deserves to win. he's played those bitches like a fiddle.

also, i am tremendously irked at the constant misuse of the word "scumbag" in that house. it makes me wanna rip out my eardrums. scumbag is NOT a fucking verb, people. you can't scumbag a person. a person can be a scumbag, but you cannot scumbag a person. somebody needs to get those bitches a dictionary, like, yesterday.


J says he wants to move closer to campus, preferably downtown.

i don't wanna.

driving 30 miles to campus every other day does kinda suck but i don't wanna live in the city. there's always traffic and it's so dirty and crime-ridden.

here it's clean and country-esque.
there's very little crime.
we're far away from people who annoy me.
i prefer safety over convenience.
and it's so much more expensive to live downtown.

if he really wants to move closer to campus, it may be a move he'll have to make by himself cause i'm not feeling it.


tonight, we're supposed to go to a club nearby our place. i find it to be quite suspect. this city is pretty much dominated by to groups of people: white college kids and old white folks. having a club where the majority of the clientele is 18-24 year old black people seems a little fishy to me.
i am not comfortable with 100+ niggas congregating in one spot. i'm half black, but that shit scurrs me. it's gold teeth and horrible grammar galore.

i just can't handle it.


i wasn't gonna make this thing private for another coupla weeks but i think someone who knows me was molesting my archives yesterday, soooooo.....yeah.

if you got an invite, feel special cause it means i don't hate you.

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Friday, August 25, 2006

    they don't know

they call me meems.
i smoke weed everyday.
i like whiskey.
red wine is pretty nice too.
i tend to make bad first impressions but i could care less.
i generally hate everyone anyways.
i'm pretty sure i've experienced more life than the average 20 year old.
which leads me to believe i won't live past 40.
pessimistic much? quite so.
i'm in love with my bestest friend in the whole wide world.
i'd die for that man.
kinda ironic considering i don't think i'd be alive if it weren't for him.
i love it when we dance and snuggle under the stars and make wishes at 11:11.
it's corny, but it never gets old.
i want it that way.
tell me why-eeeee.
our kids will cuter, smarter, funnier,and more awesome than your kids.
the simple things in life make me happy.
they're the most appealing.
i'm easily amused.
summer is the only season i loathe.
my tan is awesome but summers in the south make me miserable.
i have a tendency to let a lot of things from my past control who i am in the now, but it's a work in progress.
i think i've done pretty damn well over the past several months not letting it happen.
i'm satisfied with my life right now.
i love my mom but i feel a lot of resentment towards her for not leaving my dad when i begged her to.
i know we'll never be as close as we could be because i'll never be able to get past that one thing.
i wear my least favorite color [pink] more often than i care to admit.
i'm smarter than most people care to believe.
i do suck at math though.
fractions are the motherfucking devil.
i think most celebrities are overrated.
i'm a sucker for flowers and candy.
and hot cheetos and mountain dew.
and spicy chicken sammiches from wendy's.
and mix cd's.
anorexia never worked for me cause i love food too much.
team bulimia.
i'm not a fan of silence.
i feel as though i'm being tortured when i'm left alone with my thoughts.
i'm pretty sure i know every bone and muscle in the human body.
i wanna make bumper stickers of all my one-liners.
my milkshake is so much better than yours.
seriously, it is.
i love afternoon naps.
the more people hate me, the larger my ego grows.
i heart gay men.
just not their butt sex.
i still don't understand how jason let freddy whoop his ass in that movie.
i find my obsessive-compulsive habits to be quite disturbing.
the young and the restless is on.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

    summer lovin, had me a blast

so, today was the first day of the fall semester.
my last semester of college.
technically, it started yesterday but we have only tuesday/thursday classes, so it was today for us.
this morning, i woke up J with one of my altoid-laden blowjobs.
he lurves that.
he says it's a bitch washing his dick off once i'm done though.
oh wells.

traffic was a bitch as usual.
campus was overflowing with people i genuinely hate.
i love how it's always easy to distinguish the freshmeat from the rest.
they're always the ones in brand new clothes and actually worry about what people are gonna think of them.
they will learn.
i hope.

classes were pretty short and sweet.
that's always a plus.
of my 4 classes, there's one i already know i'm gonna hate.
i hate the prof who teaches it.
her tests are insanely hard.
no amount of studying is ever sufficient.
last fall, i had her for a class and i had a D average on all the tests.
the only thing that saved me was making an A on the 10 page paper i totally bs'd my way through.
i'm expecting the same thing to happen this time around.

after class, J and i were walking to the parking garage and some girl yelled out his name and started walking really fast towards us.
i was like, 'the fuck? she better not hug him. i don't want her whore hands on my man.'
when it was clear to me she really was gonna hug him, i walked towards her and tripped her.
bitch fell flat on her face.
i laughed so hard, i snorted and choked on a booger.
i know it was probably karma but watching that bitch fall on her face and seeing how embarrassed she was, was totally worth it.
J helped her up and apologized for me being an asshole but i don't really care.
that shit was hilarious.
i bet she cried in her car.
[insert evil chuckle here]

when we got to J's car, he was like, "You didn't have to laugh in her face. That's just wrong."

"Yes I did. She was gonna hug you and leave her skanky scent on you."

"Baby, you've gotta stop being so jealous and mean all the time."

"I'm not jealous or mean. I just don't like other females talking to or touching you."

"Did you hear what you just said?"

"Did you see how her backpack smacked the back of her head when she tumbled over?"

"Yeah, that was pretty funny. But still, you can't do that to people."

"I don't do it to people, just dirty whores like her."

"You're evil. Just evil."

"You love it."

i'm really not jealous.
i'm just really irked when females are all up in his face.
i know what those heifers are thinking cause i think the same thoughts and do it to him everyday.
they want him and i don't share.
i'll stab you and eat your babies before that shit happens.
unless i really like you.
but i wouldn't count on that happening if i were you.


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

    this bra is really uncomfortable

today has definitely not been one of my favorites.
i marinated in my own urine.
i feel like a fucking cow thanks to all that fair food i ate the other day.
i have one section of my hair that refuses to straighten.
my white chocolate mousse didn't turn out right.
i have school tomorrow.
but J's been the bestest.
he's been my bitch all day showered me with tons of affection all day.
i loverz him.
he gives really great head.

i am still really bummed about my schedule though.
i have a 6-9 class on tuesdays.
i'm gonna miss all of my favorite tv shows.
i can just DVR them all, but i still hate that i won't be home cuddling with J when house and nip/tuck is on.
that blows ape dick.

you know what?
i totally think bobby is bill's son, not hank's.
that peggy is a scandalous bitch!


    drip drip drip

we fell asleep on the couch last night. there was wine and a hard peen. most of the night is a big blur up until around 1am. i got that tingly feeling inside, so i got up and went to the bathroom.

i get in there and sit my ass down on the toilet, and just as the stream of piss is flowing, i see a little piece of string on the floor, so i lean over to pick it up.

and i fell the fuck off the toilet.

not only did i fall off the toilet but so did the toilet seat and i had pee running down my legs and onto the floor i'd just fucking cleaned a few hours before.

i was shocked and appalled. i had to sit there for a moment to take in what the fuck had just happened.

'i just fell off the toilet and i'm sitting in a puddle of piss. what. the. fuck?'

so i get up and grab a handful of wipes and start scrubbing my entire body while i'm silently sobbing and screaming whispers of obscenities at myself and the stupid toilet.

after ten minutes of that, i felt a little less contaminated and went back into the den for my shorts. i couldn't put my panties back on cause they were soaked in urine now. J wasn't asleep on the couch anymore so i figured he'd gone upstairs and gotten in bed.

so i went to the kitchen for some paper towels, lysol, and the swiffer wetjet to clean up the mess on the bathroom floor and who's nekkid ass do i see sitting on the island eating a goddamn hotpocket?


"what were you doing in there?"

"cleaning piss off of me. the toilet seat broke. it's like somebody went in there and stomped the damn thing off its hinges and put it back like it never happened."

"Oooooooooh, I meant to tell you about that."

"What. the. fuck. did you do?"


"You know what? I don't even care. I just had pee on me. Do you know what that's like? To sit in your own piss? I am 20 fucking years old! This is ludicrous! Oh my gawd, it's in my hair! I smell it in my hair! Don't talk to me. Just go in there and clean it up"

"Nuh uh! You did it."

"[insert his first, middle, and last name here], I am a hell of a lot closer to the knives than you are. Do not make me use them. I'm going to go upstairs and take a long, hot shower and maybe, just maybe I won't feel like I have a bazillion little critters crawling all over my body, eating away at my flesh. And you will take your ass in that goddamn bathroom and scrub every inch of it clean."

"But you-"

"Shhhh! Clean!"

i was in that shower until the hot water ran cold and even then i kept on scrubbing. i felt so disgusting and violated. even after i got out of the shower, i couldn't get over it.

i fell off the toilet and peed on myself.
the goddamn toilet seat fell off the commode and just sat in my own urine.

i don't care that it was my own. there was pee on me.

your god hates me.

p.s. i wonder what it's like when it's hard....[click/NSFW]

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

    i'm too lazy to think of a title

J and i went to the fair last night.
we had a really good time.
he won me a ton of stuffties.
a few too many though.
we ended up giving most of them to little kids we passed by.
and i totally wanted to rip one of those girls' pigtails off for hugging J's leg.
that's mine, bitch.

we ate entirely too much food.
between the two of us we had 5 funnel cakes, 2 smoked turkey legs, 3 giant corn dogs, and a huge slice of cheese pizza, and a big poof of cotton candy.
yes, we're pigs.
funnel cakes are the shit though.
that's really the only thing i look forward to at fairs.

i wasn't all that impressed with the rides.
i mean, they're what you expect as far as fair rides go, but something about 'em wasn't right.
i don't think they went as fast as they could've gone.
maybe it's because it was senior citizen's night.
they didn't want any old fogies dying of a heart attack on their grounds.

the very last thing we rode was the ferris wheel.
it was supposed to be this really romantic end to the night, but it totally sucked ass.
it smelled like pee in that thing.
just completely ruined the moment for us.


today, we're being lazy farts.
we spent most of the morning in bed cuddling and fondling each other.
the only reason i got up was because i can't stand being in the bedroom knowing i haven't vacuumed it at least once.
it irks the fuck outta me.
and since i was up, i made us breakfast.
you ever notice how much better breakfast food tastes any other time of day besides morning?
it's one of the reasons ihop and the waffle house will never go out of business.

so, there's this incredibly gorgeous man walking around in nothing but a towel.
i'm definitely hittin' that.


Monday, August 21, 2006

    hangovers are so not fun

i feel like i have a morbidly obese person sitting on my head farting and chuckling.
i hate life.
so i'm using some beta blogger shit.
i get to pick and choose who can read this shit now.
[insert evil smirk here]
so, if you know i like you, when you comment, make sure to leave your email address in the email thingy cause i will definitely be taking advantage of that new option.
lurkers can eat my ass.


Sunday, August 20, 2006

    i'm on that grey goose

do i know you?

i'm not drunk yet, but i will be in the very near future.
cause that's how i roll.
i don't plan on getting as wasted as i was last night.
i was prepared last night though.
i didn't wear heels so when i fell off that table, i was able to land on my feet without breaking my ankles.
i know you envy my cat-like reflexes.
i can't say the same about walking into that glass door though.
that shit hurt.
windex should be illegal.

i'm pretty sure J and i had some carnal sex last night too.
when i woke up, hoohoo was hurting and his dick stuck to my inner thigh.
it wasn't cute.
it looks like an accordion when it's not hard.

i want a stripper pole.
i'd be a great stripper.
i don't think my boobs are big enough though.
i like my boobs.
they're cute and perky and mine.
booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere!
i hate that song.
have you held your boobs today?

J and i have known each other for 13 years now.
that's a really long time.
we didn't really like each other the first few years of knowing each other.
i like him now though.
a lot.
he's my bestest.
the love i have for him can't be described with words.
i'ma kick his ass for stealing my poptarts though.
i don't steal his food.
well, there was this one time we were back home and went to catfish cabin.
i stole his hush puppies when he wasn't looking and made him think he ate them.
those things were good.

the dog has gas.
i think something's wrong with her innards cause we've changed her food twice and it hasn't helped.
i bet our neighbor's dog has really bad gas.
that thing's sole purpose in life is to eat all the other dogs' crap.
that can't be healthy.

i want some cake.
i'd bake one but J might decide to go all ike turner on me again.
my hair looks too cute for that shit.

i have a severe dislike for people who take it upon themselves to point out i'm wearing sunglasses at night.
thanks for stating the obvious, dickface.
don't be jealous cause i'm more awesome than your entire life.

i haven't beat up any bitches in a while.
i miss it.
i don't really like fighting but when it does happen, it makes my heart grow 3 sizes bigger.
cause i'm the grinch, bitch.
awww i can't wait for christmas.
that's the only time they ever show that cartoon.
cindy lou who is my favorite.

okay, so i just watched that kevin federline character perform on some awards show.
shit, i just wanted to see dane cook's fine ass.
you will now suffer as i have.
i'm streaming "popzao" now.
i think it's funny cause i don't understand shit he's saying.
for reals, i think he's making up words.
that's why you should stay in school, kids.
stay in school.
and don't get knocked up by him.
something's wrong with his sperm.
all of his offspring look like they're thisclose to having down syndrome.

J's gone to taco bell.
if he weren't planning on drinking, i'd have no complaints about this but
alcohol + taco bell = a misunderstanding
he better not ask me to rub his belly.
i'm not doing that shit tonight.
ya know, he was really appalled when i told him how his balls are gonna start sagging once he hits 30.
he said he's gonna botox them sumbitches.
i don't think he was joking either.

it's almost time for a refill of this ghetto concoction i've come up with.
it's like 1/5 blue koolaid, 1/5 of patron, and 3/5 vodka.
spell check is my friend and i have fuzzy handcuffs.
be jealous.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

    sit yo' five dolla' ass down before i make change

howdy, little blog of mine.
i always have a ton of blog-worthy shit happen to me but by the time i get a chance to write about it, i've forgotten it all.
i'm gonna blame it on the millions of brain cells J's caused me to lose by ramming my head into the head board when we're fucking.
we were gonna go home this weekend but our moms started talking about engagement parties and wedding stuff again so we're just gonna chill here like the big boring couple we are.
why won't those women let us do things on our on terms?
question for the non-southerners who read this thing:
are there any southern-style houses where you live?
whether J likes it or not, we're not staying in the south forever but i want a big southern house with a wrap-around porch and a big swing and a hammock in the backyard.
ooh, i wanna live in italy.
those villas are the shit.
why am i the only person who thinks beyonce is overrated?
and why am i the only person who thinks her ass isn't as big as she wishes it was?
she ain't got the ghetto booty like most black girls.
in fact, her ass is a lot more wider than it is round.
far from the bootylicious bullshit she was hollering about a few years ago.
i hate getting hit on.
i take that back.
i hate getting hit on by:
-ugly guys
-ugly guys who don't understand what 'get the fuck outta my face before i mace your ugly ass' means
-attractive but cocky guys who assume i'm a lesbian cause i'm so turned off by their smugness
-old guys [yeah, they have droopy balls]
-guys with one or more gold teef
-guys with one or more stab and/or bullet wounds
-guys who call me "shawty" or "junk in da trunk"
-guys who say "i've never seen a black chick as hot as you"
-virgins [not because they're virgins but it's just a very uncomfortable situation. i'm a freak and you can't say 'vagina' without giggling. what am i supposed to do with that?]
-guys who are mouth-breathers
-guys who sweat profusely
-guys who are horrible dancers [it's not cute, boo]
-guys who are short. [sorry, i only do 6'0 and up]
-guys with jewfros
-guys with bad teeth
-guys with foul breath
-guys who bathe in their cologne
-guys who use backhand compliments in an attempt to woo me
-guys who respond to me being engaged with "that ain't got nothin' to do with me"
-guys who have the IQ of fried dog shit
-guys who say "like" or "dude" after every other word
-guys who are hairy
-butch lesbians [i prefer the lipstick lesbians. they're so much more gentle.]

mmkay, i hate getting hit on by anyone other than J.
i wuvs him.
and he gives me great backrubs and licks my giney a lot.
given that you're financially set and not married, how long do you live with your significant other before you decide it's okay for one person to pay all the bills?
when J and i first started living together, he moved in with me, so he wanted to pay half of everything just to be fair but always offered to pay everything in full.
since we've moved into this place, we still go half on all the bills but he's become really adamant about wanting to pay everything himself.
i used to think it was because he had this machismo thing going and he thinks the man should be the financial supporter or whatever.
but when i really think about it, as long as i've known J, he's never really let me pay for anything.
even when i buy him stuff, he'll ask me how much it cost and offer to reimburse me for it.
or if i don't have any cash on me and he does, he'll slip some in my wallet.
i don't really understand it cause he knows i have money.
hmmph.....maybe it's a control issue.
has anyone seen world trade center, yet?
J wants to go see it tonight but i don't really wanna have that horrific day and have the movie totally suck ass.
i have to pee.


Thursday, August 17, 2006

    them other fuckers don't know how to act

justin randall justin timberlake gets on my damn nerves.
he's a great singer/performer but from my own personal encounters and what i've seen on tv and in magazines over the years, he fucking sucks.
he's nothing but a gimmick.
during his 'n stync days, he portrayed this all-american, boy next door type of kid.
with his first solo album, he did the whole "brother from another mother" type deal.
he had what they called "blue-eyed soul".
with the new album, he's trying to tap into the british scene.
give me a fucking break.
that motherfucker is straight from poor, white trashy ass millington, tennessee.
i understand you gotta do what you gotta do to get paid, but keep it real.
his mom had his little punk ass in beauty pageants to keep their lights on.
fucking poser.
i still heart "sexyback" though.


today, i went to this ol' swanky danky salon to get my hair stripped.
that's it.
just stripped.
no style or anything.
i just wanted my natural hair color back.
so, why did the stylist look at me as if i'd farted on her cheek, flicked a booger in her eye, and asked her to tell me the square root of 76401466351 when i told her that?
maybe she was just confuzzled about me not wanting anything else done to my hair.
oh wells.

i did a little shopping after i left the salon.
i didn't really want or need anything, i just wanted to be alone for a while.
J and i talked about the baby thing again this morning and he told me didn't want to have one anytime soon.
it was something i'd already known so i didn't get my hopes up too high and throw away my bc pills after yesterday's little conversation, but it's still a little disappointing and saddening to know he doesn't want it as badly as i do.
if i were a completely rational and sane person, i'd think all of his reasons for us not having kids now were very valid, and agree that it's better to put it off for a while.
but i'm not so i think he and his stupid excuses suck ass right now.
i'll get over it, though.

i need my giney licked.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

    pretend there's a title here

i had a doctor's appointment this morning.
a lower back pain specialist.
i only went cause J wanted me to and the doctor moved rescheduled other patients to see me.
it was a fucking waste of time.
all he did was feel me up with his old, cold, clammy hands, look at my old xrays and mri's, and say the same damn thing i've been told by four other doctors.
oh, and "recommend" 10 days of bed rest.
that bitch can eat a used tampon.
me and bed rest don't mix.

after that complete waste of time, J went off and did his thing and i met up with my friend, A, for lunch.
i love her to death.
she's kinda dumb though.
she's the type of bitch that would starve to death if she was stranded in a grocery store.
i think that shit is genetic cause her sister and brother are a little *special* too.

i'm almost positive i blogged about J and i going to A's sister's [AS] wedding last summer and tripping the fuck out cause it was so obvious to everyone that neither of them wanted to get married.
AS just really wanted a wedding and the groom was just in it for the free shit.

fastforward a year and a coupla months later and that bitch has had a baby.
nevermind the fact that she didn't really love the man she married or that he wanted a divorce after only 4 months of being married, this bitch had a baby SHE DIDN'T WANT to save a marriage SHE DIDN'T WANT!
just typing that shit pisses me off.
but anyhoos, A knows how much i fucking adore babies so she wanted me to come along and dote on her new niece.

oh my gawd.
J told me not to do it cause he knew i would come home and start whining about having a baby. we've discussed it a bazillion times already and agreed it would be best if we waited until i'm done with school to start planning it, and i promised him i wouldn't say anything about it...today
there was this precious little baby.
and i held her.
she had these cute little fingers
and cute little toes
and a cute little button nose
and the cutest little pursed lips
and she was wearing this cute little pink onesie
and she had new baby smell.
men don't get it but i know the women do.
new baby smell does something to us.

my uterus was like 'fuck this shit. we need some implantation going on up in here ASAP!'
i'm on the pill but i'm positive i started ovulating the very second i put that baby back in her little bassinet.
estrogen and progesterone levels went through the roof.
baby names already picked out.
all i needed was 200 million sperm to battle it out for the coveted egg.

unfortunately, that dick dealer was 30 miles away, laying in bed contemplating the purpose of his belly button.

so, i took a moment to compose myself and started talking with A & AS and i asked AS how it felt to be a new mommy.
she was like, "i don't know. i don't think it's really hit me yet cause i don't feel like a mom. even when i was pregnant, i didn't feel all those maternal feelings you always here women talk about."

i wanted to choke to shit out of her.
how is it that the best things happen to the most undeserving, unappreciative people?
this bitch is married and has a baby she doesn't even want while i'm undeniably in love with a wonderful man and have neither.
i'm not jealous or envious of her situation because she's so fucking miserable, but i want what she has on paper: a husband and a child.

i am so looking forward to getting married and all the 'firsts' J and i will have together as husband and wife.
the good, the bad, and the ugly.
i'm ready for it all.
that ungrateful bitch and others just like her have that and don't even realize how special it is.
it makes me hate people more than i already do.

i also feel sorry for that little girl.
her parents are gonna take her to hell and back because they refuse to acknowledge how fucked up their relationship truly is.
for her sake, i hope they get their shit together sooner rather than later.

but moving on....
after spending a few hours with those girls, i went to cingular to get my new crackberry.
after four damn days of waiting, they still didn't have the one i wanted so i just got one of the older models.
it's cheaper so it should be able to withstand my tantrums for a while.

i got home a coupla hours ago.
J was sleeping like the big baby he is but he had a very nice *situation* going on under the covers.
i may or may not have taken advantage of him being half alseep and not being able to say 'no' to me when i'm riding him to get him to agree to try having a baby now.



Tuesday, August 15, 2006


i'm bored.
J's gone to get stuff done to his stupid truck.
i just can't get into spending massive amounts of money into detailing a car.
it's just a car.
and he doesn't even plan on having it that long.

i want him to have a blog so badly.
not because i think he'd be a great blogger, but because i'm nosy as hell and i really wanna know what he'd write about me.
i don't know if it'd be like 'i'm madly in love with this beautiful girl who brings out the best in me' or 'i'm with this evil bitch who does nothing but whine all fucking the time' or both or if he'd just not write about me at all.
i hate not knowing stuff.

C started "big kids' school" yesterday and i missed it.
i hate that i'm missing all of the new stuff she's into now.
i feel like a bad aunt.
i'm not too ecstatic about her skipping kindergarten either.
she's smart as fuck but she's still only 5.
she should be around other smart 5 year olds not stupid 6 and 7 year olds.
hell, i skipped kindergarten and looked how fucked up i turned out.

my back hurts.
it sucks because it always hurts when my back is straight, e.g., when i'm sitting, standing, or laying down.
if i'm laying in the fetal position or i'm bent over for *some* reason, the pain goes away.
i think it's because the vertebrae are spread apart and can't rub against each other.
i hate life sometimes.

i want one of those strawberry milkshakes from DQ.
but i don't feel like driving.
it means i have to move and stuff.
i just wanna be lazy and do nothing.

i think i should have an "ask mimi" day.
i haven't done one of those in a very long time.
then again, it may not work out too well considering all the lurkers are too scared to comment and ask questions.
i guess i should leave that up to y'all.
that's today's question: should mimi have an "ask mimi" section/post/whatever?



Monday, August 14, 2006

    a hard man is so good to find

J made dinner last night.
grilled chicken, wild rice, and stuffed artichokes.
he's no emeril in the kitchen but it was really good.
everything was great until we got to dessert.
he knows his limits, one of which happens to be baking, so he bought one of those betty crocker warm delights thingies.
caramel something......i don't know.
that shit was nasty.
just add water.
yeah, how about some fucking flavor while you're at it.
it tasted like week-old sugarless chocolate and dog shit.
i don't actually know what week-old sugarless chocolate and dog shit actually tastes like, but if i had to guess, that caramel thing would definitely be it.
and then it had 10 grams of fat in it!
what a waste.


i was giving a friend some relationship and sex advice and he was like "you know, for someone who's only been in one serious relationship, you're really good at stuff like this."
i agree.
i'd be a great sex therapist cause i like sex and i like to talk about it.
hell, sometimes i do both at the same time.
but a relationship therapist? not so much.
i'm really good at reading people and dealing with [other peoples'] relationship problems but i don't think people could handle me.
i'm too honest for something like that.
people ask me for advice and insight to their little situations all the time, but they never actually listen to what i've told them until after the fact.
if i had a dime for everytime someone has said "meems, you were so right about him/her", i'd own a small country right now.

maybe it's because i lack tact.
i don't really care though.
if you don't wanna hear what i've gotta say, don't ask me anything when you know damn well i don't filter anything i say.

i got a coupla emails about the previous post because of how tasteless it was.
even J was like "you couldn't think of a more eloquent way to write any of that?"
um, no.
i'm not known for being nice and sugar-coating anything.
that would require me to restrict and censor myself which defeats the whole purpose of me having a blog or writing at all.
i realize a lot of what i say offends people but i'm not apologizing for it and i damn sure won't be losing any sleep over it.
there's an X on the top right on the screen that closes the window.
use it.


i wanna have a party.
we've had a few people over here and there but we haven't had a REAL party at this place yet.
i'm talking kegs, an endless supply of hard liquor, mary ja-hane, music, a shit load of food, the whole nine.
i like being around a lot of people i can drink and have a good time with.
unfortunately, i have too many enemies and am too confrontational to have a party and not have some shit pop off.
oh joy.
i'll settle for a cold beer, a bag of doritos, and season 1 of nip/tuck.
why can't the new season start now instead of september 5th?
i hate having to wait.


dude, i haven't given J a blowjob at all today.
we're not fighting and i'm not on my period so that's totally some kind of record for me.
i think my mouth is actually having some dick withdrawal.
i've had like a lot of unnecessary saliva production and it's really weird.
i've spit like five times in the past hour.
it's all J's fault.
if he hadn't made fun of me for being so orally fixated, i'd be blowing him right now.
he should be thanking his god he has someone who gives him great head at least twice a day instead of mocking me.
ungrateful douchebag.

my name is mimi and i'm a compulsive cocksucker.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

    a rant of some sort

last night, someone asked J and i a really stupid question in my opinion:

"do you find it difficult to be in an interracial relationship?"

when the person asked it, i was thinking 'who the fuck asks shit like that?'
that's just ignorant to me, but i was just like "no, we don't find it difficult. it's people who don't know shit about us who do. now somebody better get me another shot of patron if this is the shit i'm gonna have to deal with all night."

generally speaking, when J and i are together, the first thing people notice about us has nothing to do with our love for each other.
they don't give a fuck about us having grown up together, being each other's first and only love, the shit we've gone through to be together, or anything that actually counts.
all they see is he's white and i'm black [or something close to it].

whether or not you wanna admit, when you're on the outside looking in any situation, everything boils down to what's tangible- what you can actually see with your own two eyes.
in this case, it's melanin or lack thereof.

although we're more likely to hear disapproval from white people as we live dead smack in the middle of the south, black people have some negative shit to say about us too.
it's really stupid and unnecessary.
i don't really give a fuck what either side has to say us or any other interracial couple.
it's none of their damn business.

i do wish people would recognize that racism and prejudice [amongst blacks and whites] isn't just something black people have experienced from white people.
there has been a massive oppression of blacks by white people because of racism and prejudices and ignorance.
i'm not denying there isn't racism and prejudices alone, but the complaints from blacks are moreso about the oppression than anything else.

but please believe there are black people who hate other blacks because of their skin color.
there are dark-skinned black people who don't like light-skinned people.
i have been a victim of this type of prejudice.
i've also been somewhat guilty of it as well.
i made a conscious decision to never date a black person because i've never wanted to take the chance of having dark-skinned babies with have nappy hair.
it's unbelievably stupid and pointless and shallow of me, but there are other people who think the exact same way.
i'm just one of few with the balls to admit it.

i can't say the black vs. black thing is without merit though.
you can trace that shit back to slavery.
if you were a slave working in the main house, 9 times out of 10, you were light skinned; either a) you're lucky like that, as we do come in different shades of black, or b) ol mas'er liked that dark meat and you were a product of his "jungle fever".
granted, they were still slaves and treated as such but they had some privileges because of who their pappy was.

so, in that mindset i can understand why their would be some hostility amongst the blacks.
if you're dark, you had to work under inhumane conditions while some half-breed got to sit in the air-conditioned house and sip on lemonade while washing master's linens.
if that were me, i'd hate them fuckers.
i'd whoop their asses and steal their lemonade too.

but it's 2006.
there is no slavery.
there are no field or house niggers.
there's education and opportunity and whether or not you utilize what's available to you.
obviously, there's a little more to it than that, but that's really what matters.

the only situation where there is competition like that is in the entertainment industry.
i guaranfuckingtee you, if you have an unknown Angela Basset and an unknown Halle Berry audition for the same part, that Halle is more likely to get the role just because she's lighter and easier to sell to mainstream audiences/white america than the dark-skinned Angela.
Halle couldn't act her way out of a paper bag if you gave that bitch a flashlight, but she's guaranteed to sell more of whatever you're pushing just because she's light-skinned.

the same goes with music.
how many mainstream, dark-skinned, female singers can you name?
i'm sure very few, yet you've got a fifty dozen talentless beyonce's out there shaking their asses all over MTV and BET and getting paid plenty of money they don't deserve all because they've got the "right look".

it's really sad.
shit like that is the reason i don't think racism or any 'ism' for that matter will ever cease to exist in this country.
we have too many people teaching their children to hate others for being different and too many people with money selling everything that isn't real but advertising it as if it and telling people that's what they should strive to be.

i'd move to canada but i'm pretty sure the barbecue isn't the same.


Saturday, August 12, 2006

    if your IP address is,

i pretty much hate you.
my hoohoo hurts.
but in a good way.
i'm an idiot.
i always read our school calendar wrong.
instead TWO weeks off, we only get a week and a half.
that school is stupid.
why are we starting class on a fuckin wednesday?
that's so stupid.
J and i have only tuesday/thursday classes so it's not that important.
but it's still stupid.
why do white people think black people can't have naturally long hair?
and why do they like to pet it?
i'm not a dog.
unless you're actually doing my hair or you're J, don't touch my hair.
you can't be touching people's hair all willy nilly.
i will hurt you.
i'm really spoiled.
i made J go get me an oreo mcflurry around 2 this morning.
but while he was out, i sorta kinda changed my mind and wanted a frosty from wendy's.
i couldn't call him cause i broke my phone and we don't have a landline, so i had to wait until he came back home to send him out again.
he refused at first, but i reminded him he's still got a lot of making up to do.
that frosty was pretty good.
i'm evil.
how does one go about getting health insurance?
i get cancelled from my dad's when i turn 21, i think.
right before J's birthday, he had to file some sort of extension thingy so he's good until he graduates; but i don't talk to my dad so that's not really an option for me.
so yeah, how am i supposed to get health insurance?
i saw the porn with the original red power ranger in it.
i'm not totally convinced it's him.
that guy's really muscular.
his quads are like the size of....me.
i do know he has a hairy asshole and he likes to have it licked.
don't buy whipped cream cheese.
it's really good and the container makes it look like you're getting more than the regular kind, but it's all trickery.
don't believe the lies.
i bought a really big watermelon.
i'm gonna be so pissed if it isn't sweet.
i think i was dropped on my head as a baby.
when i take a shit, i think about the stupid faces other people make when they're taking a crap.
and then i start laughing because i'm stupid like that.
and then i think what it would be like to be invisible and watch people's faces when they're taking a crap, and i laugh even harder and i snort.
i'm a dork.
i've figured out why the dog chews up my pretty and expensive pannies.
they have J's DNA on them.
she loves J but hates me, so i think she detects J's scent/love mayonnaise on them and that's why she always chews them up.
she's never taken a pair of the granny pannies and i'm pretty sure i've never let J me running around in those.....so yeah.
it's gotta be the love mayonnaise.


Friday, August 11, 2006

    pay phones are fucking disgusting*

i've learned i could never ever have a gay roommate.
they have boyfriends.
and they have sex.
and they are LOUD.
it's fucking creepy.

granted, i spent most of my time staying with them listening to my ipod and crying until i couldn't cry anymore, but i got a coupla sound bites here and there.
i don't ever wanna have to experience that shit again.

the gay porn? not so bad. i can just turn that shit off or leave the room.
two grown ass men fucking two rooms away from you?
oh heeeeeeellllllllllll no.
i still love them to death, but i'd like to live under the presumption that they're just great to hang out and shop with and don't have sex.

so.....long story short, i'm back home.
where i wanna be.
it took a little time but we talked/fucked it out, and we're back to our annoying little lovey-dovey selves.
i was only gone for like a day and a half, but i missed this place.
i didn't like coming back to a bunch of broken glass and a smashed guitar that I bought, but i'll take what i can get.

oh yeah, thanks to the folks who sent me nice emails and were genuinely were concerned about me.
i love y'all.
to the others, y'all can kiss my fat ass and choke on a sick dick.

i would've replied sooner but i sorta kinda broke the crackberry yesterday.
i may or may not have thrown it against the wall and jumped on it a few times cause it wouldn't click the little comments linky thing so i could reply there.
i swear the more money i spend on something, the more likely i am to break it. that's why i'm so damn cheap [sometimes].
and today, well, J and i had finals this morning and a few days of sex to catch up on.
so, it's not that i don't love you enough to reply to your emails, i've just been busy.

my sister and nephew were supposed to fly in tomorrow but since our little falling out over this, that's not happening.
i'm just gonna spend the weekend and the next two weeks doing nothing but eating a bunch of junk, watching football, and having sex.
it's what i do best.

*completely irrelevant but so true.


Thursday, August 10, 2006

    via the crackberry

i had my last a&p lab practical EVER this morning.
i don't think i did too well.
lack of sleep and uncontrollable crying didn't help too much either.
i'm so damn tired.
i miss my bed.
and my big blue blanket.
and my big soft pillows.
and him.

as much as i love and wanna be with J, i don't wanna be with someone who'll only assume the worst about me and talk to me the way he did the other day.
we've had some horrible fights over the years but what makes this one the worst of all was hearing him say things to intentionally hurt me.
it makes my heart ache.
moreso because i know i'm gonna go back to him.

this whole thing is so predictable:
we have a huge fight.
i leave.
after a few hours of crying in my car in some parking lot, i'll give in and answer my phone.
he'll ask me to meet him somewhere.
being the dumbass i am, i'll agree.
after a thousand "i love you's" and "i'm sorry's", i'm putty in his hand all over again.
give it a few weeks and we're doing it all over again.
it's mainly because J takes me for granted.
he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and i'm supposed to forgive him and let it all go because that's what we do.

i don't know if i can keep doing this shit with him over and over again.
i don't know if i want to.


Wednesday, August 09, 2006


i got the stupid prescription because i prefer getting at least five hours of "okay" sleep rather than having to wake up every hour in agonizing pain, sneaking out of bed and crawling downstairs to sit in a hot bath for fifteen minutes in hopes that some of the pain will dissipate, all while fighting back tears so i don't wake up the person who couldn't just ask me why i've started taking the stupid pills now, instead going off on a little tantrum and calling me a "worthless junky".
i guess, being as selfish oh-so-perfect as you are, the concept of someone trying to mask their own physical pain to protect you is far too much for your little mind to fathom.
your stupid ring is on the kitchen counter.
why don't you take that piece of shit and buy yourself a girlfriend who isn't such a disappointment.


    the dog did it

J and i had a fight last night.
he's mad at me because of my supposed drug dependency.
i should be the one mad at him.
i would never say to him the things he says to me when he's upset.
i don't like him anymore.


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

    the best you've never had

i've been bloated/constipated the past few days.
we had a little mexican fiesta tonight.
if the gas i have now is any indication of what's in store for my rectum, it' gonna be a long night, folks.
i hope J doesn't come in here.
this smell leaking from my ass is almost criminal.
if i light a match, this bitch is going down in flames.
speaking of criminal, there's some shit that happened last week in mem*phus i so badly want to write about here but i can't until everything has come out.
i will say, don't believe everything you hear on the news and read in the paper until ALL the facts have been laid out.
it's really fucked up how the news outlets there have really gutted and exaggerated to the max what really happened.
i think i'm gonna end up with a C in a&p.
i'm not too chipper about that.
i need an 89 on both the lecture and lab finals just to get a low B.
there's no way i'll be able to pull it off.
there's gonna be at least 7 scope slides and that's 14 points i KNOW i'm gonna lose.
lecture final. that's some straight up bullshit.
i always get all the short answer and essay questions right but i always lose at least 25 points on the multiple choice section.
i'm so ass-backwards. the multiple choice should should be the easiest part.
but that bitch is tricky.
hmmm......we'll see.
there's some rumbling in my belly.
i wish i had a stethoscope so i can get a good listen.
do they sell those things at walmart or walgreens?
i want one.
pregnancy sex positions are great even if you're not pregnant.
you get to be lazy as hell and still cum just as [if not more] hard.
i've got a bad back.
that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
why does this dog always come in here fucking with me?!
if i kick the shit out of her, i gotta hear J's nagging.
if i don't, that little bitch is gonna keep fucking with me.
i'ma get a cobra and set that fucker loose in the house so it can eat her.
but then we gon' hafta move again cause i can't stay here with a snake running around here all willy nilly.
i'm surprised no one had anything to say about my 'your god doesn't exist' tantrum.
i think i pissed some of you off but you're too scared to speak your mind.
that's a shame.
i'd actually enjoy a little war of words with the bible thumpers out there.
uh oh.


Monday, August 07, 2006

    late night shit

i've got fifteen fucking histology slides to know for this goddamn final on thursday and the only one i know is the fucking pancreas cause there's only two goddamn things to know and they're the easiest to recognize. it's just big pink blobs.
i say 'fuck' and 'goddamn' [or some variation of the two] a lot.
if you don't like it, you can kiss my external anal sphincter aka my asshole cause your god doesn't fucking exist.
if he does, he needs stop frontin like he's all perfect and shit, cause by the looks of things, he didn't do a good job.
i think the only reason people believe in that shit is because they wanna believe that this isn't all there is to life.
well, guess what.
you're born, you experience this fucked up world as it is, then you die.
and when you die? the first thing you do is shit yourself.
if they can afford it, your family pays a bunch of money to lay your ass in box they're gonna throw dirt on.
if not, they burn your ass up and throw ashes in a river somewhere.

the cliff's notes version.
i'm sick of people coming at me with he said/she said bullshit and then adding my name into the shit.
i don't know half the people involved so why should i give a fuck?
and why won't those motherfuckers keep my goddamn name out of their mouths?
all i do is go to school and chill at home with my man and throw shoes at our dog.
i do not want to nor do i care to associate with anyone or anything else.
the rest of the world can fuck off right along with their petty, nonsensical bullshit.
my fucking hand hurts.
i gotta stop hitting people with strong facial bones.
this is the hand i give the bestest blowjobs ever with.
i need to get some insurance on this shit.
J has hidden my knife from me.
when i find it, i'ma cut his ass.
my pawpaw gave me that knife.
fuck. i'm outta cloves.
i'm pissed kaysar's getting voted off bb7.
what is this?
3 times and he's never made the jury?
that's some hurtful shit.
somebody needs to tell will's ugly ass he is not hot.
not even a little.
as a matter of fact, when kaysar leaves, there's no more eye candy in that fucking house.
there's a motherfucking mosquito in this house.
i hope i don't get that west nile shit.
my immune system can't take another sickness.
i need to get my birth control script filled.
can't have no babies cause J's an asshole.
he's lucky i love him.
his grandma still isn't invited to my wedding though.
cause it's my wedding.
he's just gotta "show up and bring the mustard".
my flipflops make my feet dirty.
i'm too stressed. i need to have sex again.


    which one of you motherfuckers is in hawaii reading this shit?

shouldn't you be out throwing lava rocks or something at old people?

yesterday, J took me to the tiffany's that just opened. that bitch wouldn't buy me a new ring but i did get some really cute earrings that i'll probably never wear. expensive jewelry makes me nervous.
since we were out, we went to see talladega nights.
i fucking love will ferrell and he did not disappoint in that movie. unfortunately, i can't say the same for bewitched. actually, i think nicole kidman ruined that movie.
have i mentioned how unfortunate looking that bat looks in person?
she looks like the damn crypt keeper.
man, i want that swiffer vacuum.

after the movie, we stopped by one of J's friend's house to pick up the fishing gear J let the guy borrow. now, i do not like 93% of J's friends. they don't really like me either but i don't give a hell. i think they're all a waste of sperm and egg. they are the reason for global warming and i wish they'd all just die.
the dude that was borrowing J's stuff, we're actually pretty cool. he grabbed my booty one time and J choked the shit out of him, but he's still cool with me.

anyhoos, we get to the house and the motherfucker i fucking hate with a passion is there. i wanna dip that sumbitch in kerosene and put cigarettes out in his eye sockets before setting his sorry ass on fire and watching the skin slowly melt off his bones. i'm evil like that.

J turns to me and says "don't say anything. just chill out and i'll be back in a few minutes and we'll go ."

even though i severely dislike that little boy, i had every intention of just standing by without saying a word and waiting for J to come back so we could go home and fuck since i hadn't had any all day. that damn porn sabotaged my psyche and sex drive.

but then i heard that motherfucker talking about how he was giving some poor girl back-handed compliments and chipping away at what little self-esteem she obviously had, as a pickup tactic.

when he was done talking, i just scoffed and was like "are these guys supposed to be impressed or something? the only girls you can nail are dumb, insecure broads who OBVIOUSLY don't know what a real man is all about. [clapping]whoopty fucking doo. you deserve cumbag of the year award.[/clapping]"

word to the wise- don't ever get in my face and tell me you're gonna shut my mouth for me. i don't care who the fuck you are, i will knock the taste out of your goddamn mouth if you disrespect me. and then i will have my man whoop your ass.... well, except if you're a girl. he doesn't hit women but i don't discriminate. i'll fight anybody.

mmkay, moving on to the new season of flavor of love.
what the hell is wrong with these hoes?
there shouldn't even be a season 2. hell, there never should've been a season 1. i could see if they were trying to get it on with joe millionaire's broke ass, but flavor flav? what the fuck are they seeing that i'm not?
i don't care how much money or fame is involved, you couldn't get me to put my lips on that thing. i can't do it. i won't.
and then there's the bitch that shit right in the middle of the floor? what the hell is wrong with her? did she have an episiotomy? does she have some sort of incontinence problem? i mean, really, how do you just squat down and take a shit on the floor WITH A DOZEN PEOPLE STANDING AROUND?!?!
come on, you know when you have to shit. even when you got the bg's you get at least 2 good minutes to get your ass to the bathroom. she could've gotten her little clock and been like "hey, flav, i gots to go do the doo. see ya when i see ya."

*shakes head* this shit just doesn't make any kind of sense to me.
i need to go get some dick.
the oxytocin-release does good things for me.


Sunday, August 06, 2006

    there are no words to describe this shit

for serious.

had some friends over last night.
one of those little asshats brought some porn.
i don't really have a problem with porn, as i find it highly entertaining.
the kid was like, "meems, you HAVE to see this. i cannot relinquish this from my possession without having seen your reaction to it."
i was like "dude, if there's piss, shit, or minors involved, i'm kicking your ass."
he was like "no, man, you just gotta watch it."

oh, the traumatization.

keep in mind, i was a little high and had a little bourbon, so my reaction probably wasn't as extreme as it normally would have or should have been.

this motherfucker came into my house, ate my spicy doritos, drank my liquor, and had the audacity to show me women fucking farm animals. i couldn't even be mad at him cause i was so fucking appalled at the porn itself. i've heard of this shit before, but i didn't really think people actually did it.

well, goddammit they do! these whores let dogs, horses, and pigs fuck them!
i wanna know what the fuck went wrong in their lives that they'd actually get off letting a non-human dick into their vaginas?!?!?!

i screamed bloody murder with each "mini-movie". the one with the pig was just awful cause he didn't wanna fuck them. the thing turned on them and tried to maim those bitches. after that, i was just like "if you don't live here, get the fuck out. you have scarred me for life. i don't even wanna talk to or see you ever again. get the fuck out!" but they were like "no, no, no, no, there's one more you gotta see."

i said, "hey, i'm not trying to watch anymore of this bestiality shit. you motherfuckers have life completely fucked up." they told me the last clip didn't involve any four-legged creatures, but that doesn't mean it was any better. in fact, i think it was a lot worse.

some nasty, trifling skank let some man put his head in her vagina.
his head.
his whole head.
there was a whole. human. head. in this woman's body; and he was in there wiggling around like he'd done it before. it wasn't like his head was of normal size. it was actually quite large. he had one of those barry bonds-type of heads. just big due to excessive steroid use for no reason.

my vagina hurt for that woman. and i use the term 'woman' very loosely; very much like her vagina. J's drunk ass was sitting right next to me. during the animal fuckfest, he didn't really say anything, just kinda sat there with the bitter-beer-face/who farted look. then supercooter was on the screen and he was truly confused and terrified at the same time.

mouth on the floor, hitting my leg, "baby, do you see this? oh my gawd! are you lookin at this shit! oh my gawd! did she just give birth or somethin?! oh my gawd? what?! look! oh shit! i can't watch this! what the fuck is this? this shit is not real!"

i don't think i'd wish that experience on my worst enemy. i had to take 3 percocets just to get some sleep last night. the image of that man shaking his head all up in that woman's vagina has damaged me. at this very moment, i am still shocked and appalled by it. i don't even wanna have sex anymore. that's just how fucked up last night has left me. i keep having visuals of the horse mounting people, and that head just wiggling at me. oh, i feel so dirty for even watching that shit now.

gawd, i hate people.

thank man for cartoons.


Friday, August 04, 2006

    oh snap, nigga!

it's the weekend already.
unfortunately, it'll more than likely be spent studying than drinking.
we's got finals next week.

i'm definitely gonna hit up wallyworld for school stuff though.
notebook paper for 15 cents. i will fight you for that shit.

i'm bummed the kid who always made my caramel macchiatos EXACTLY the way i want 'em doesn't work at the crackhouse starbucks anymore.
he was so freakin cute.
he'd grin from ear to ear everytime i said "thanks, darlin'".
just adorable.
i think he wanted my goodies.

i fucking hate the south in the summer.
it makes me miserable.
i don't wear shorts that often but everytime i do, i burn my ass and thighs on the seats in our cars.
it's emotionally distressing
can i sue cadillac and nissan for that?

my back hurts like hell.
the only way i know to describe the feeling is imagine someone grabbing your lower spine and rubbing your lumbar vertebrae together. there's nothing to cushion the friction, just bone scraping another bone.
fun, right?
well, that's exactly what spondylolisthesis is: displaced vertebrae grinding against one another.
i think mine are L4 and L5.
i should probably make an appointment for some more cort shots.
why do they have to be so damn expensive?

i have a headache.
a little nicotine withdrawal, i presume.
smoking's not only bad for your health, but your wardrobe as well.
i've burned holes in like ten different shirts, one of J's jackets, two pairs of his khakis, and a pair of boyshorts [don't ask].

my niece told my mom J and i don't love her anymore cause we never come home to see her.
she's like my baby and hearing my mom tell me that just broke my heart.
she's a smart little girl but she doesn't fully understand the concept of us living in different cities. she thinks the two cities are like ten minutes apart and i can just up and leave anytime she asks.
cute but frustrating.
i guess i'm gonna have to buy her something and fed*ex it to her.

i'ma kick the shit out of that damn dog if she comes over here and bites my goddamn foot one more damn time.

this whole weight-gaining process isn't going according to planned.
it's something i want and need to do, but then when i actually see it happening, i feel so fucking disgusting.
J's like ''baby, i like you with a little more meat on you."
motherfucker, that's not meat.
it's fat.
jiggle jiggle jello gelatin FAT.
fat fat fat fat fat.
F A T ! ! ! ! !

i know i'm never gonna get rid of my ass; that's genetics.
it's the other shit that drives me insane.
i don't want titties on my back, fat pockets above my knees, or my thighs clapping when i walk.
cankles! i don't want cankles!
i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

it's really sad how i get consumed with the smallest things.

i gotsta go hide under the covers.
i be scurred.


Thursday, August 03, 2006

    if your IP address is or

go kill yourself.


nothing spectacular to blog about.

i think J and i have re-entered the honeymoon phase.
the past several days have been filled with nothing but us just being together and in love and enjoying single moment of it.
it's almost how it was when we first started dating.
tonight, i asked him if at any point since we've been back together if he's wanted to be single again.
he said "you wouldn't be wearing that ring if i had any doubts about us."
i was like "that's not answering my question. do you ever find yourself wishing you were single again."
he said [even though he's really annoyed with me for keeping him awake, i'm totally making him say it again so that i get it word-for-word and cause i wanna hear it again :)] "no. i've been there and done that. the grass isn't greener on the other side. i could spend the rest of my life going out and fucking any and every girl i wanted but i'd get very little satisfaction from it. it's just empty sex. when i look at you, i see the rest of my life. it doesn't get any better than that."
again, this is why i put out so much.

it's a shame more guys don't think of being settled down the same way. i don't understand it. why do guys think of being with one person as giving up their freedom or ability to have fun?

if J wants to go out with his friends, he can and he usually does unless i bribe him with sex.
i know he and his friends go out to bars and strip clubs and do "guy stuff".
i will miss him like crazy but as long as he doesn't cross that line [which we discuss everytime he goes out], who he comes home to at the end of the day is all that matters to me. i go to strip clubs with him but he refuses to step foot in a male strip club. i don't think that's very fair, but i like to keep the peace.

when he's home, we hang out. we drink beer and watch baseball and talk shit to each other. we get high and dare each other to do stupid shit like drink a whole bottle of tabasco sauce or go streak down the street while screaming "i have no legs".

we play games together. he owns my ass in scrabble but i kill in monopoly even when he cheats. nekkid twister and strip poker is always fun cause whether you win or lose, you're getting some.

we fight and make up and laugh about it later.
from his perspective it's like this: "that's what we do, we fight. you tell me when i'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and i tell you when you're a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time. i'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. you have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing." [can you tell i watch "the notebook" a lot?]

we're each other's confidant. we can always go to each other when we need advice or just wanna talk and have someone listen to us, all without fear of judgement or being looked down upon.

we love being in love. we tell each other "i love you" at least twenty times a day. we kiss and hug each other for no reason. our friends pretty much hate us for it.

love can be a very beautiful and powerful thing.
it's a rarity that should be appreciated and protected once you have it.

i'm on team fornication, but i'm madly in love with the one i'm fornicating with, so that makes it all better.
because i said so, that's why.

p.s. new template. you likey? yes? no? maybe? don't give a flying fuck?