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Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Borderline personality disorder (BPD)*** is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.


While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

***it's just 1 of many diagnoses/labels stamped in my pretty little file over the years of being me.


Saturday, January 12, 2008


i'm going with the flow but most days are pretty chaotic [in my mind]. mornings are decent, nights are awful, and all the time in between leaves me questioning my sanity. this week has been a bunch of back-and-forths to and from the airport:
sunday night- drop off.
night- pick up.
morning- drop off.
saturday morning- pick up.

i'm becoming a living, breathing UPS. what can brown Meems do for you???

today, while my painfully jet-lagged hubby napped, i watched one of the videos we made while i was pregnant. i didn't even make it 5 minutes through without having to stop it and cry to myself. mostly because i miss that little person i never really got to know; but partly because i'd never seen myself as happy and peaceful in all of my life, despite all the mess going on during that time in my life. i miss that --happiness and contentment-- so much.

i feel so absent now. i live in bumfuck, nowhere-- dull and boring college town-- filled with grouchy senior citizens. this place would be overrun with inconsiderate, disrespectful college kids, but some reason, it's a suit-case college/university. everyone goes home on the weekend. all of my friends have moved on to bigger and greater places in life. i'm beginning to feel like a spectator in my relationship with Jay-- he's got a job he loves that keeps him away from home more than he's here; what the fuck am i doing here? my pom-poms are starting to get a little worn out; i can be the cheerleader for only so long. it seems like everything is changing for the better for everyone except me. i can't even bring myself to relax and open up just enough to make new friends; and i'm very much still stuck in a lot of habits and ways that prevent me from evolving into a better(?) person. and as much i want to change those things, something keeps me in that same place of self-destruction. i don't know what it is.

as crazy as it sounds, this is where i'm most comfortable -- unhappy, distressed, and depressed.

it's what i know best.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

    exactly what i didn't want to hear

the doctor: "Physically, you look like you're in great shape, but you're actually not. You're actually in bad shape."

me: "Are you trying to make me cry?"

the stupid doctor: "No, no, no, not at all. See, this where you are [underweight, according to that stupid BMI chart]. This, right here is the general area you wanna be in [fat cow territory].

me, slightly teary-eyed: "But I'm always this size and weight."

the insensitive, stupid doctor: "That doesn't mean it's the right size. And, no, you're not always this weight; not according to your chart. [THAT WAS BABY WEIGHT!!!] Now, you need to put on 10 pounds just to be on the cusp of underweight and normal weight. I recommend you put on an additional 5 to that 10 before you even BEGIN thinking about trying to conceive a child. Otherwise, you're putting yourself and that child at risk for some severe complications."

me: "Thank you for ruining my day. I don't want to hear you talk anymore; I'm going home. Try not to ruin anyone else's day."


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

    the alphabet runs right from a to zed

i have so much shit going on in my head that i don't know quite where to begin. actually, i do, but that'd be whining and i'm not supposed to whine anymore. fuck that. this is my blog. i do what i want.

warning: i'm a little tipsy, i don't like spell/grammar check, and i don't plan to stop drinking anytime soon. and, yes, i do know what time it is.

A- alone & awkwardness.
alone-- Jay is in San Diego. he left sunday night but he'll be home tonight--- if i sober up in time to go pick him up at the airport. the point is, i'm alone. words just can't describe how much i hate being alone so i'm not gonna try. by now, i'm sure you all know i had a shitty childhood; adulthood ain't looking so pretty either. but i'm finding it more and more difficult to get used to the idea, reality(?), that we [Jay and i] are adults with adult responsibilities and obligations; moreso he than i. rationally speaking, he's the head of our household; he has to work. we've got bills, i'm a little high maintenance, and he likes his big boy toys. but meems speaking: he doesn't really have to work. i like my chanel but by no means am i stupid about my money, or his money for that matter. we've got some shiny pennies saved and some great stocks; we could live comfortably off the money we have now for quite some time without ever putting in a day's work. it took some time, but i finally got used to this whole 8 to 5 deal. i wish he was a little closer to home, but hey, i'm chill. now, i'm like, 'why you gotta go across the country to work? you can't make a damn conference call?'
i'm trying not to get my panties in a bunch, but i cannot have him away from home half a month and settle for weekends only. it just ain't happening. i don't foresee too much of January going by before i'm downtown making terroristic threats at his job because they're sending him all over the goddamn country for some shit he could do sitting at his desk right here in bumfuck, tennessee. bitch, i'm emotionally unstable; don't fuck with a happy home.

awkwardness-- i just feel like i'm at an awkward point in my life. (1) i have no desire to have a job, but i can't stand to be home doing nothing. there's only so much cleaning a girl can do.
(2) i have no desire to go to grad school, but i know there's no way in hell i'll get a decent job with a BS in psych-- or cognitve science for all those snooty bitches at v@nderbilt.
(3) i have all these friends wanting to hang out and catch up, but when it happens, i quickly realize i have nothing in common with most of them. everyone seems to be in party-mode or whore-mode. i've been with the same person since i was 17; i'm practically married now. when i go out, i'm with Jay or Ja and another couple. i haven't tried the latest drugs on the street, i haven't fucked [insert random dude's name here], i didn't know s/he was fucking him/her.
(4) all i want is to get pregnant and have another baby, but i can't even hold a baby without freaking out anymore. i thought i was doing well, but i'm really not. it was just my mind playing tricks on me. with everything that's happening, i don't think we're ready for another baby. i hate having to admit that. i feel like i died a little just typing it.

i need another glass of wine.

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Friday, January 04, 2008


i'm falling into a puddle of funk.
it's so hard to be happy and optimistic and la di da when everything in the world seems to serve no purpose other than to keep you down and hold you back.
i feel like a living, breathing battlefield. all the wear and tear is starting to rear its ugly little head.
yet again.
i want out.


Wednesday, January 02, 2008

    happy happy, joy joy.

happy new year, y'all!

i was thinking about doing a little 'year in review' for 2007, but 2007 was a pretty shitty year for me. so, here's to 2008 being a better year.

Jay and i had a little party and invited a few friends to ring in the new year. somehow, a few friends always turns into 'who the fuck are all of these people?' still fun times though.
i drank entirely too much; i spent all day yesterday in bed cradling the trash can and all of today trying to get that vomit smell out of the bedroom and bathroom. unpretty in so many ways.

now, i'm just trying to prepare myself for many days and nights without my hubby. i can't lie; i
m very unhappy with this shit. i feel a bitch-fit and some lamp-throwing happening very soon.

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