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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

    random stuff

22 weeks.
that's how far along i am.
there are times when i'm still in awe of this whole baby business.
i'm just like 'holy shit. i'm pregnant.' and i get excited and scared in the same moment.
it's still a pretty overwhelming experience.
J is too fucking calm about this.
he's gonna faint in the delivery room.

-i've been up since 5:30 because zoe decided that would be a lovely time to start playing hopscotch on my bladder.

-i really hate people who say "eff" instead of just saying "fuck". it's really annoying.

-you're not supposed to have sex in the campus main library. they take away your library "privileges". as if i enjoy going to the damn library. i was horny and that was closest spot.

-last night, i picked a fight with J because he won't tell me what he's getting me for my birthday. I WANNA KNOW!

-it's kinda fucked. when i'm actually able to drink alcohol legally, i can't. i feel the need to cry.

-i *graduate* in 17 days. i'm not going to the ceremony though. not because i don't want to, but our school is *special* and doesn't have december ceremonies. [although i probably wouldn't anyhow because you couldn't pay my fat ass to sit in one spot for 2-3 hours just for a piece of blank paper and a handshake. i will eat and nap instead.]

-i'm horny.

-any radio station that plays christmas songs before it's even december should be blown to bits and pieces and fed to rabid dogs.

-baby girl says hi.

-i really want one of those belgian waffles from ihop. with lots of whipped cream and maple syrup. yummy.

-person with IP address from houston, texas: do not molest my goddamn archives if you're not gonna leave a fucking comment. you rude bitch.

-i'm pretty sure i should be working on that paper that's due tomorrow.

-i need my giney licked.

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Monday, November 27, 2006

    i was gonna write about 'kramer's' racial tirade but i remembered how much i already hate seinfeld & his career has been over for a while so fuck it

hi, kids. i'm back.
did you miss me? of course you did.

my first thanksgiving where i did all the cooking instead of standing over my mom asking "when will the food be ready? i'm fucking starving!" and getting smacked in the face has come and gone.

and i couldn't be happier. now i remember why i never really liked cooking. it takes too fucking long. ugh. there's prepping and preheating and standing up for hours and hours. and there are actually people who enjoy that shit.
we had only a few people over but i cooked enough to feed a small country. and i ate entirely too much. if i wasn't fat and nasty before, i am now. i'm like a pot-bellied pig.

i don't really do the whole black friday-getting-up-at-3 am-to-go-shopping bullshit. for one, i tend to have most if not all of my christmas shopping done before thanksgiving. secondly, i don't care to be anywhere near a horde of maniacal holiday shoppers. there will be a misunderstanding and i'll end up stabbing a bitch. let me lounge around and eat left over turkey and stuffing and i'm a happy camper. so that's exactly what i did.

while i was stuffing my face, J painted the nursery [finally!] and without any meddling from me. i had planned to hover over him with my little face mask on criticizing everything but he locked me out of the room so i didn't get to see it until he was finished. surprisingly enough, he did a really great job. i was expecting him to fuck the whole room up so that i'd have to pay a so-called professional to do it but it looks perfect. now all we need is the furniture and my little wiggle worm and it'll be complete.

i wanna post pictures of the final product but J's a big douche and he's like "there could be baby snatchers reading your blog!" because one picture is gonna lead 'em straight to our front door. i suppose my paranoia about baby snatchers has rubbed off onto him. a couple weeks ago i was perusing this expecting mother site/forum thingy and he's like "just don't join it because there could be frauds on there waiting to befriend you so they can kill you and take our baby." even though it could happen, that's really not something i'd like to hear at this particular time.

anyhoos, late friday afternoon, J kidnapped me and held me hostage as his love slave at this gorgeous cabin he rented for the weekend. it was all decked out with my favorite flowers and tons of candles and it was oh-so-romantic. it was incredible.
you should be jealous.

now, we're home being lazy. J will probably smoke a bowl and finish off the leftovers. ew.
i plan to catch up on some blogs and make him give me a back rub so i can take a nap.
cause i like naps.
and back rubs.

so, how you dooin?
stop looking at my belly pictures.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

    late night shit

long day.
i'm tired and my back hurts.
but i really wanted a piece of cake so i might as well blog a little while i'm up.

J and i went home today.
it was kinda weird cause we usually go back in forth in between our folks' houses and hang out together.
today, it was me with my folks and he with his.
i enjoyed seeing my folks though.
i was a little pissed when i got there cause the damn cake wasn't ready.
that heifer hadn't even started mixing the batter.
but i did get it eventually.
and it's yummy.
be jealous.

i just got a random kick so i'm assuming baby girl is either saying 'hi' or wants more german chocolatey goodness.
maybe both.

the people like rubbing the buddha belly.
she showed her little ass today.
i was kinda worried at first because she's never been as active as she was today, so i thought maybe something was wrong.
but no, she's an attention whore like her mommy.

my niece is having some adjustment issues.
she does not want me to be pregnant.
it's really not me being pregnant that's an issue.
it's the fact that i'm having a girl that she hates.
hopefully, she'll get over it.

J, my poor baby, got his feelings hurt by his extended family members.
for some reason, he had it in his mind that his folks would get over their issues with him being with me and us having a baby.
i suppose he's just more optimistic than i am, but i know that shit is not happening in this lifetime.
but anyhoos, none of his visiting family members had anything nice to say to him and it really upset him.
and apparently because of that, he had a breakthrough of some sort.
when he came back to my mom's house, i was sleeping my ass off and he crawled into bed with me and woke me up.
i was gonna slap the shit out of him but he started apologizing and talking about if he'd really knew how horrible his family was he'd have never wanted me to be around them and he was sorry and dada dada da.

i have mixed feelings about his whole little epiphany or whatever you wanna call it.
i'm glad he finally sees what i've been talking about for years now and especially the more recent issues.
i'm pissed at those assholes for upsetting him and i really just wanna kick all of their asses.
i'm pissed and annoyed with him because the only reason he "gets it" now is because all of that hostility and animosity i've received from those people all of these years was finally directed at him.
that's not to say he's never defended me against them, but i don't think he took it as seriously as he does now because none of the rude looks and comments and disrespect was ever to him, it always to me.
i guess i'm partially responsible for him not really taking it seriously because i never made a big deal about it until baby girl was in the picture and his dad turned out to be a bigot.
but....i don't know.
i could be overanalyzing it, but it's still kinda upsetting just because those people have no legitimate reason to hate me and my daughter is gonna suffer because of it as well.

anyhoos, i plan on spending most tomorrow in bed and planning out thanksgiving stuff.
J says he's taking me somewhere [he won't tell me where] this weekend, so i probably won't be updating that much, if at all.
so, to all my lovelies, have a wonderful thanksgiving.
see ya when i see ya.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

    get in my belly

chili was a bad idea.
it was probably the best i've ever made but i had horrible heartburn and indigestion all damn night.
and baby girl was stumping around in my uterus.
so i made J go get me a mcflurry and apple pie around 1 am to make me feel better.
it didn't really help the indigestion but it sure was yummy.

it snowed this morning for like 10 minutes.
and being the big dorks we are, we ran outside half-nekkid to play in it.
and by play, i mean we ran around like maniacs screaming "it's snowing!"
someone driving by honked their horn at us so i flashed my big belly at 'em and yelled "fuck off!"

i really want some cheesecake and tatertots right now.
ooh and a tuna sammich.
i'm such a pig.
a horny one at that.
that's not really a great combination.

we have to go to memphis tomorrow.
my mom wants to see how fucking huge i've gotten before she leaves for the holiday.
and J's a big mama's boy so he just has to spend the day with his folks.
the only reason i'm really going is because my mom said she'd make me a german chocolate cake if i did.
i don't turn down food these days; even if it means having to drive two and a half hours just to get it.

shit. i need to go to the grocery store for turkey day stuff.


Sunday, November 19, 2006

    weekend recap

howdy, kids.
what a week it's been.
i'm feeling a little better now, thank you very much.

i have these moments with J when i'm just like, 'what the fuck am i doing with this man?'

friday was definitely one of them.
it's as if he lacks common sense.
with my family going away for thanksgiving and the current situation with J's family, i opted to just stay home with my big belly and the dog. given the circumstances, i thought J would stay home with me and we'd just have our own little thanksgiving festivities here.

of course, that thought never entered his mind; he wanted me to come to his folks' place and be surrounded by all that negativity just to be with him. if i weren't pregnant, i probably would. i've done it many times before. but that was then-- no baby or bigot father was in the picture.

so, we ended up having a nasty argument about why J is always wanting me to make compromises when it comes to his family and why he doesn't think of me as family--just the girl he's known for over 10 years who just happens to be pregnant with his child now.

excluding his mom, sister, and brother, there is no one in his family who even pretends to like me. i'm a little fucked up in the head but i've been a damn good girlfriend and fiance to J; but they can't get past the fact that i'm not white.

with my family, it's the exact opposite. everyone fucking loves him. if i'm visiting and he's not with me, the first thing out of their mouths is "where's J? is he coming over?"
it's really disgusting.

i'm too fucking emotional to deal with his family and their bullshit. and his whole logic is 'as long as you're with me, it doesn't matter what they say.' before baby girl? sure. i'll admit i used to get off on their hostility towards me. but now, everything is different. i'm not subjecting my baby to their negativity. they can kiss my freshly showered and moisturized ass.

so, either J finally got my point or he was just sick of me crying and smacking him or a little bit of both. whatever it was, it looks like we'll be spending the holiday here. that should make me happy, but i know that's not what he really wants to do.

the makeup sex was good though.


yesterday, we went to the UT/Vandy game. i wasn't gonna go but with it being the last game of the season for us, i did.
yays for school spirit.

we sorta kinda missed the first quarter cause i was in the closet crying cause i don't have any cute clothes that fit my fat ass anymore. i seem to do that a lot. but we made it.
i was pissed most of the game because everytime people cheered and yelled, it scared baby girl. so i was ready to take out the entire student section. and J being the asshole he is, didn't wanna leave even though the fucking crowd was terrorizing his child. but he did come up with the genius idea to wrap his coat around my belly to muffle the noises.

maybe he is good for something besides sex and getting me food at 2 in the morning.

after the game, we went to the mall cause i need new clothes. again. my intentions were to get non-maternity clothes cause i have this image on my head of mom jeans and maternity clothes being pretty much the same in terms of atrocity. but then i discovered this store.


i shop at that mall all the fucking time. how did i not know this store existed? especially when it has my name in it! i had like 7 orgasms in the store. oh, how i heart shopping. my naughty bits are getting tingly just thinking about it.

after spending entirely too much money in that sore, we went to janie and jack because i could no longer resist my need to buy baby clothes. they pretty much have only fall and winter stuff, but sometimes it's pretty cool here in march and april. maybe she'll get to wear some of the stuff i bought at least once. she'll be like my little baby doll i get to play dress-up with.

we were gonna go have dinner and go see a movie but i was too pooped from all the orgasmic shopping. so, we ordered in and watched "meet the parents", "meet the fockers", and "zoolander" cause i'm secretly in love with funny man ben stiller.

oh, J bought me some lingerie which i can surprisingly fit my lard ass in. but it's not like i ever keep that shit on for too long, so it really didn't matter.

as long as i can still have sex, all is well in my little world.


currently: it's cold outside. perfect fall weather for cuddling and watching football. unfortunately, J is in the living room working on his presentation with some people from class. one of those guys is really cute. and he smells good. but i'm an alpha female so i do not like the girl in the group. ESPECIALLY since she turned her pig nose up at me when i offered her some of my homemade taquitos and salsa. everyone loves my food! J told me she sucks at presenting so i'm gonna make her cry when i critique their presentation. i oughtta mace that bitch when i yell "CHEAT OUT!" at her.

i think i'm gonna make some chili for dinner.

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Friday, November 17, 2006


decaf coffee sucks pig nuts.
i'm sick of people.
i'm tired of J making everything my fault and always being second best to his family.
i would like this headache to go. away. right. now.
my birthday is in 2 weeks.
i should probably be excited about that, but i'm not.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

    hump day

i hate people. people are douchebags. even the perceived nice ones.
they trick you into thinking they're nice, but really there's just a big bag of douche masking their doucheness with politeness.

today day started out great. i woke up without my back hurting and having to throw up. [yes, i'm 5 months pregnant and still have morning sickness. deal with it. i have.] i got an hour and a half of some great morning sex and afterwards, the man made me breakfast.

he cooks for me all the time, but rarely does it ever happen right after sex. he'll go out and buy me food after sex, but him actually cooking is a stretch.

i kinda thought he was buttering me up to tell me something worthy of me committing first degree murder [i could totally plead not guilty by reason of insanity; you read this shit so you know it wouldn't be too far-fetched for me.], but nothing of the sort. he likes being man-servant. cause he's the bestest. i loverz him.

after breakfast, we just kinda laid in bed nekkid until it was time for my checkup. and that's where my entire day goes down the shitter, up 3 seconds for some fresh air, then back down the shitter again.

we got stuck in traffic for 45 fucking minutes. there was no construction. there was no accident. the idiots in this stupid city do not know how to function on the fucking interstate when 4 lanes on one damn side merge to 2 lanes. seriously, we're all going in the same direction yet we're barely doing 40 mph on the fucking interstate. i thought memphis traffic was retarded but the bitches here are about to take over that title.

since we were stuck in traffic, we were late for the appointment meaning we had to wait an hour for the doctor to get to her other patients before she could see me. during the wait, i had the whole standard temperature, BP, weight etc check. my BP is generally high the first time it's taken just because i fucking hate hospitals, doctors, clinics, and anything else medically-related. i never really worry about that because i know within the next twenty or so minutes, it'll be back to normal.

but then i got my fat ass on that scale. how the fuck did i gain 6 pounds in 2 weeks? i'm slightly OCD, so i had to re-weigh myself several times. and it said the same thing everytime: you've gained 6 pounds in 2 weeks, you fucking cow.

needless to say, i was not feeling too happy about myself. so, i went back out to the waiting area all depressed and shit, but i kept telling myself it was okay and that everything would be fine once i got the sonogram. i'd see my little girl and she would make me feel better. it's just a few pounds, no big deal.

yeah, all that shit didn't work.

i started hyperventilating, my skin got all clammy and i started sweating heavily. i heard J asking me if i was okay but his voice was really faint and far off. i started getting tunnel vision, and then i blacked out.

when i finally came to or whatever and i was in the exam room on that awfully uncomfortable table. J's sitting to my left with his head down and he's rubbing my hand. i look to my right and i've got these people i've never seen in my life standing there like i'm a fucking cadaver and they're just waiting to poke and prod at me. the first thing i said was "if i didn't sleep with you last night, back the fuck away from me."

if i don't know you, there should be at least 2 feet of empty space between us. personal space is a must.

anyhoos, after assuring J i was okay and that it was just a stupid anxiety attack, i got the vitals checked. all was well. J was still kinda freaked out but he felt a little better once i bit his neck and pinched his ass.

next up, the sonogram.
now, J and are just ooh-ing and aah-ing over and laughing at how zoe is always showing her little hoohoo whenever i get a sonogram. then, for like, the bazillionth time, the doctor interjects and goes "she's still not where i'd like to her to be size-wise. i don't think there's reason for concern but i'd like to see you put on a little more weight."

i fucking snapped. "did the possibility of her being small is because i wasn't a fat fucking giant before i was pregnant may have something to do with her possible weight and length? i was 5'6 and a buck ten.maybe, just maybe, all your goddamn tests are wrong and something is wrong with her and you're just too fucking incompetent to tell what it is? i'm doing everything i'm supposed to do. i've gained damn near 30 pounds in only ten weeks. do not tell me my baby is too small unless you can give me a definitive answer as to why that is because all you're doing is stressing me the fuck out everytime you say she's TOO GODDAMN SMALL!"

it felt so fucking great to tell her off. she was like, "i didn't mean to upset you and dadadada" but i didn't and still don't care. i just wanna get through this pregnancy without everyone telling me this, this, and this is wrong and that i should do this, that, and the other, and not acknowledging the fact that i'm doing or at least trying to do everything i possibly can to make sure my baby is okay. i would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize her health and safety. a little pat on the back for everything i've done right so far isn't asking for much, is it? i mean, besides J [and occasionally a few the people reading this ], i don't have anyone telling me i'm doing a good job at this stuff. everyone else is constantly talking at me about what i'm supposed to be doing. i don't need or want all of that negative bullshit coming at me. it makes me wanna blow my fucking brains out. ugh.

after leaving the douche's office, J took me to panera for lunch and we sat there for an hour and a half talking about everything. i was actually starting to feel better because of J telling me i'm not a horrible mom and because food makes me happier than it should. then something told me to call the store we ordered the nursery furniture from to check on its status.

those dimwits didn't even have our order in their records.
back down the shitter the day goes.

since we've been back home all i've done is cry and vomit. there's always something wrong. i should feel better knowing that our order is now in place but i don't. i've yet to have a day where there are no major or minor snags pop up. why? why is there always constant stress in my life? i don't wanna hear "don't sweat the little things". fuck you. i've tried it. and it's not a plausible solution to anything. it just makes me want to rip out your spleen and stomp all over it.

i think i need a nap.

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Monday, November 13, 2006

    monday randomness

-my back hurts like a muthafucka. i need a massage.

-J tried to push me out of bed last night. he says trying to move the big pillow out of the way so he could spoon me, but i don't believe that shit. bitch better be lucky i've got cat-like reflexes.

-i get the best sleep when i take naps; never when i'm sleeping at night. especially since i've got booboo the fool trying to push me out of bed now.

-chocolate covered pretzels with whipped cream and caramel topping is so fucking yummy.

-i need to do some laundry.

-baby girl is gonna be a neo-freudian. most of what i read to her are books by freud or heavily freud-influenced.

-i want some doritos.

-my nephew is so freakin adorable. he thinks he can count now. "ti-ti! 1, 2, 3, 4, 6! 1, 2, 3, 4, 6!" i don't know where the 5 went though.

-the place we ordered the baby furniture from is supposed to send me a tracking number when the order is shipped out. the furniture is supposed to be here sometime this week, i think. why haven't i received a goddamn tracking number?

-while we were at the grocery store a little while ago, i saw some bitch checking out J. when i politely asked her what the fuck she was looking at, she looked at me like i'd just farted. i was 2 seconds from popping that bitch in her jaw but baby girl started wiggling around and i was reminded i can't be beating bitches up in the grocery store all willy nilly. dammit!

-somehow i just ended up at pornotube.com and now i'm watching anime porn? wtf?

-anime porn is funny. i just watched some chick get tit-fucked and then the guy came in her ear and all over her face and hair.

-J, i will cut your balls off if i catch you even thinking about spilling your love mayonnaise in my hair, mmkay?

-anime porn makes me horny.


Sunday, November 12, 2006


hey y'all.
sorry for not updating as often as i usually do.
i've been a busy bee with baby business, school, and christmas shopping stuff.
J's the only person i have left to get gifts for.
he's always the last person i shop for.
it's his fault though.
he doesn't start dropping hints until the week before christmas.


i'm so ready for school to be over.
i don't think i'm actually going to the commencement ceremony, but i'm so ready to graduate.
J's jealous cause i'm graduating a semester before him, but it's like he's graduating late.
i took a full load this past summer so i could be done early.
i'm just sick of the whole college thing.
bonus: i won't be in school during my last trimester.
i can just be at home eating everything in the fridge and calling J every hour asking him when he's gonna be home.
oh, and he made his schedule so that he only has afternoon classes.
hopefully baby girl will be born either in the morning, at night, or on the weekend.
if he misses any part of her birth, i will make the rest of his life as miserable as humanly possible.


i think her first words are gonna be "daddy's a douchebag".
that's probably the one phrase i say to her the most.
she also hears "why are you crying now?! because daddy douchebag is also an insensitive douchebag and he masturbates on mommy's body pillow and tries to convince her that his cum stain is actually drool.
cause he'a a big bag of douche.
but i still loverz him.
he's so sweet.
he gets me fast food at 2am.
he always leaves me little love notes around the house, in my bag, and in my car[even though i rarely drive my car].
he still buys me flowers every other day.
and the sex is still great.
i thought he wouldn't be as interested in sex once i started showing prominently.
nope, he's still a horny toad.
which is kinda good since my sex drive has skyrocketed.
but sometimes, i'd rather not have his peen all up in my face.
one of these days, i'm gonna bite that sumbitch off.


anyhoos, a few people have requested to see the belly progress but almost everything is on tape. i did manage to find a couple pictures that hadn't been put in the scrapbook and i took one this morning just for y'all.
feel special.
warning: photoshop isn't that user friendly. i pretty much suck at this stuff.

no baby bump @ 10 weeks [look! i have abs! and they're perfect! i didn't know i was pregnant when i took this pic. i swear i started gaining weight the moment i found out. p.s. my bronzer is better than your bronzer.]

the 16 week pic should be here but it's blurry and ugly, so i'm leaving it out. deal with it.

buddha belly @ 20 weeks [no stretchmarks! and maybe a smidgen of bronzer. i may or may not be slightly superficial.]

it's not much, but you'll take what you can get.
beggars can't be choosers.


don't you just love how people are saying "poor britney" in relation to kevin federfugger contesting the divorce thingy?
not me.
i have no sympathy for that dumb bitch.
i hope he takes her for all she's worth.
she was the one that flew him to europe or whatever when he wasn't even interested in her.
she wanted kids and that's what she used him for.
he's used her for her money.
bitch is getting everything she deserves and then some.


my tits hurt.
and i'm hungry.
i'm always hungry.

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

    sometimes they just snip out your tongue

i'm fat.
i am huge.
and the hugeness is only gonna get more huge.
gaining weight makes me weep.
this morning, i was puttering around in the living room waiting for J to come downstairs so he could go walking with me. i got a little light-headed so i sat down in the papasan for a bit. when i tried to get up, all of this baby business got in the way and it took me like 45 seconds to get my fat ass up.
do you know how long 45 seconds is?
count it.
don't worry, i'll wait......

so yeah, i've been crying all day because of all the weight i've gained in a short time period.
i'm almost 5 months pregnant but i look and feel like i'm 15 months.
all day i've been crying and yelling at J "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" while stuffing my face with tuna on rye and pistachio ice cream.
i don't even like pistachio ice cream.
or tuna on rye.

poor J.
he's so not gonna want any more kids after baby girl; at least not with me.
he's been beyond awesome but my fat ass is too fucked up to appreciate it.
half the time, i don't even know why i'm bitching and crying, i just am.
i've been trying not to be so emotional and hypersensitive but it seems like the more i try to suppress it, the worse it comes out.
in addition to the weight gain, i'm extremely depressed about the family situation.
i'm gonna be home alone on thanksgiving because my folks are going to chicago to spend it with family members i absolutely loathe and J's gonna be with his folks.
i'm gonna be eating take-out on thanksgiving day.
adding to the misery, i'm still sick and it's starting to aggravate my asthma.
i can't win for losing.

i really need to clean this house.
J's been doing most of the cleaning because he doesn't want me inhaling the cleaners, but i'm slightly obsessive-compulsive and i hate not cleaning and organizing things myself.
it's done the right way only when i do it.

due to lack of attention received, i think our dog has become suicidal.
a couple nights ago, she tried to jump off the balcony.
if she wasn't so fucking retarded, she could jumped onto one of the chairs and then jumped off the balcony, but no such luck.
then today, when J took her to get groomed, he told me she tried to jump out the car window.
doggie's got a death wish.
if i weren't so consumed with my own shit, i'd grant it.
i fucking hate that evil ass dog.

i wish i could smoke a bowl.
none of this shit would be bothering me as much.

i do not wanna go to class tomorrow.
i'm just ready to be done with school.
it's such a waste of my time.
i thought with taking fewer classes, the workload wouldn't be as rigorous and demanding.
12 hours is just as terrible as 18.
i think i'm actually doing more work now with fewer classes than before.

i have another checkup next week.
i probably don't need it since i kinda got one when i went to get my test results last week, but going means i get a sonogram.
seeing my her on that screen makes it all worth it.

i need some dick.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

    high five!

sorry for neglecting you over the weekend but there's this thing.......
it's called a "life".
yeah, i have one of those.

friday, i'd planned on sleeping in but i had to go to campus and ended up spending 5 hours re-entering two semesters worth of research data in SPSS because some incompetent asshole sabotaged the entire spreadsheet. i don't know who did it or how it happened, but you will hear about me on the news if it ever happens again. i can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.

after that shit, i met J back here and we had lunch at some chinese restaurant buffet thingy. it was delicious. why is that all the stuff i like either makes me throw up, gives me heartburn, or gives me the raunchiest gas known to man? i love my baby girl more than imaginable but i am not giving my favorite foods. it's just not gonna happen.

after lunch, we came back home and i took a two hour nap. 'twas lovely. when i woke up, i was horny as hell, but J was sleep. i was gonna give him a blowjob, but smacking the hell out of him when he's sleeping is so much more entertaining so i went with that. and he yelled at me. and i smacked his boner. he cried. not really, but i still kissed it and made it all better. ;)

then we went to see borat. that movie is fucking hilarious. you must go see it if you haven't already. i laughed so hard i peed my pants a little. you laaaaaiiik?

came back home for some more nookie and spent the rest of the night listening to the wiggle worm. her movements are getting stronger , which means mommy's little princess is getting bigger and stronger. yays!

J doesn't like it when i say "my baby" instead of "our baby". i'm like, hey, you can cut the carrots but it's still my soup. he just donated the sperm, i'm the one still carrying around the load. he's still got the six pack while my fat ass is waddling around everywhere.

anyhoos, the rest of this weekend has been spent cleaning, shopping, and watching football. ya know, i love football, but not as much as J. saturday, after tennessee lost to LSU, he was mad for the rest of the day. i tend to baby him and stroke his ego and all of that stuff after a loss, but this week i was like ''stop whining and be a man. fix me a sammich and rub my feet, bitch."

i'm still waiting on the nursery to get painted. i'm tempted to hire someone to do it instead. J says he wants to do all of the nursery stuff but i don't want it to get done at the last minute. i want everything perfect for baby girl before she's all

when are my boobs gonna stop being sore? these sumbitches hurt.

my boobs being sore was how J knew i was pregnant; he knew before i did. it was like the end of august, we were on our way to school and i started whining "Jaaaaayyyuh, my tits hurt really bad!" and very nonchalantly he's like, "yeah, they've gotten a little bigger too. you've been whining about a baby for months now. have you been taking your birth control?" i thought he was just being an ass, so i was like "shut up, jerk." but he was so right. he kept saying it for weeks and i still thought he was joking because he knew i took the stupid pill when i was supposed to. and up until about two weeks before we found out, the only pregnancy symptom i had was the sore tatas. then the morning sickness and fatigue started and he was like "you. are. pregnant." even then i was still kinda in denial up until the doctor actually said "it. and the rest, as they say, is history.

i'm gonna be someone's mom.
i'm so fucking terrified of being a horrible mom and how my mom was with me, completely emotionally unavailable, and ultimately screwing up this kid's life. i think that's probably what my biggest problem is- never having a real mother-daughter relationship with my mom until i was older. that's where a lot of my issues lie.

then, there's J's family who will never claim my baby because they don't want a mixed baby in their family. i don't want her to grow up hating part of who she is because of how she's received [or not] by her own family. what am i supposed to tell her when she starts asking about them? i don't wanna lie to her but i don't want her to be hurt by the truth either.

i want so much for her to have everything i didn't; anything less is unacceptable.
i'm gonna do my best to give this little girl all the love in the world and make sure she has everything a mom can give her daughter, but i can't do a thing about anything else. there's nothing i can say to make "the others" change their mind about my baby.

i've got control issues. it's the reason this whole thing bothers me, i can't control any of it. i can't make anyone do what i want them to. it sucks.

i'm totally in need of some ben and jerry's and belly rubbing right now.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

    this is my brain not on drugs

i'm writing this right now cause i can't sleep.
i'm sleepy.
i just can't sleep.
my nose is all stuffy.
my back hurts.
i can't stop coughing.
it pretty much sucks.
i was hoping baby girl would do her wiggle dance to entertain me until i fell asleep but i think she's already sleeping.
she gets that from her daddy.
her ability to sleep, that is.
i should go wake him up and make him go get me a mcflurry.
hmmm...maybe not.
he's a had a long, stressful day.
i should let him sleep at least until midnight before i wake him up.
i've become a boring person.
not necessarily because i'm pregnant.
even before then.
i think i've gotten too comfortable with the way things are now.
there's really nothing exciting [besides my bestest baby girl] going on in my life.
not long ago, i was this bitter, angry girl shoving coke up my nose every day waiting for someone to give me a reason to punch them in the face.
every day was an event.
i was so much more interesting and entertaining when i was completely reckless and didn't give a fuck.
i'd probably be dead now had i continued on that little road, but it's really awkward for me being in my current state of possible contentment.
i can't say i'm a completely different person cause i'm still pretty fucked up, i guess i'm a bit more controlled now.
nah, not controlled.
not as extreme?
i don't know.
what was the point of this?
oh, i can't sleep so i'm blogging.
my left pinky toe itches.
haloscan has not been very compliant with me today, so i haven't been able to comment there.
but thanks to y'all who like my baby girl's name and the pink and black nursery idea.
all women, of course.
i'll post some pics of my buddha belly and the nursery once it's finished.
don't hold me to it though.
i just love the people who read this shit and rarely or never comment, yet they're here fifty times a day.
like my canadian stalker with the IP address
makes my innards all warm and fuzzy.
no, wait, that's indigestion.
i should probably lay off the salsa.
i want a toblerone.
and a #6 from wendy's.
and some dick.
and sleep.


Wednesday, November 01, 2006

    i see you lurking, bitches.

you're really trying my patience.
it would be in your best interest to stop it.


busy day.
i had actually planned on staying in bed to recuperate from yesterday, but nothing i do ever goes as planned.

got up early this morning to go to the doctor for my test results.
it came back normal which is great cause i was really starting to worry aboutthe possibilities of baby girl being born with some sort of birth defect.
i had another sonogram just for shits and giggles.
besides her still being smaller than the doctor would like, all is well with baby girl.
she's a wiggly little thumbsucker.
i don't really like the thumbsucking cause it means she'll probably need a pacifier, which i absolutely abhor, but i'll get over it.
J pissed me off during the visit.
when the doctor said i needed to gain some more weight, he goes "well, she's already put on a few pounds in the past two weeks. how much is she supposed to gain overall?"
as if i didn't feel bad enough, he's like "she's gotten fat already, does she really need to gain more weight?"
he says he didn't mean it the way it sounded, but why does that asshole never think before he starts talking?
i cry when it takes me more than ten minutes to find something to wear, i don't need to hear him talking about how much weight i've gained and how much more i need to gain.
so, afterwards i made him stop at krispy kreme to buy me half a dozen chocolate donuts which i massacred in, like, 2 minutes.

we went to look at paint samples and finally got the actual paint.
i swear if one more person asks me why i want my baby's room to be pink and black, i'm gonna stab them.
it is not YOUR baby's room, it's mine.
fuck the fuck off and do what your fucking job, not pissing me off.
but yeah, we got the paint.
i'm not really sure when J's actually painting the room with it being football season and all, but he has about 3 weeks before the furniture arrives to get it done.
i'm gonna have so much fun bossing him around while he paints.
i'm very much looking forward to it.

we went to subway for lunch and the "sandwich artist" didn't wanna make my sandwich because i yelled at him for not putting enough mayo on my sub the last time we were there.
little bitch.
just do what i say and we won't have any problems.

and you whores.
why didn't y'all tell me getting waxed was gonna hurt like hell now that i'm pregnant?
i was actually in tears because it hurt so bad.
and i get brazilians so i had to endure a lot of ripping and waxing.
i do have that totally rejuvenated feeling down under now.
who wants to lick my giney?

oh yeahs, we finally decided on baby girl's full name today.
*zoe nichelle* J's last name.
everyone i've told so far has been pretty indifferent about it.
i don't know if that's good or bad.
well, everyone except my little brother.
when i told him, his exact words were "but she ain't all the way white though. why you gon' have that black ass lil girl walking around with a white girl's name?"
i got a little offended because my baby is not black.
she's human, first and foremost.
and she's multiracial.
she's actually more white than anything else, but she's definitely not black.
my baby girl is gonna be the most beautiful mixed baby ever.
be jealous, bitches.