Thursday, June 28, 2007
we had some friends over last night for food and drinks. i made some of my homemade salsa for the chips, fajitas, rice, mexican corn, yummy margaritas, and by far the best fudge and caramel brownies i've had in my life. i'm a damn good cook.
i was all about the margaritas though. by the fourth glass, i was like 'fuck that" and started drinking straight tequila. so, along with cook and bartender, i was also the entertainment for the evening. cause anytime there's liquor, music by prince, and a thunderstorm involved, hilarity ensues.
i think my alcohol tolerance has returned to its former level because i wasn't even slightly hungover this morning. and i drank a LOOOOOTTTTT.
today was a fun day. Jay took me to a shooting range. you'd think given my short temper and how often he pisses me off, teaching me to shoot a gun wouldn't at all be on his list of things to do. but he did! and it was so much fucking fun! i bullshit you not, i came a couple of times.
i'm all excited because i know how to shoot silhouettes in the head, so now i want a permit to carry a handgun. i don't think i'd ever actually own a gun for reasons i'm not gonna get into right now, but i want the permit just to say that i can if i choose to.
GUNS ARE FUN!
do any of y'all know anything about primerica? one of Jay's friends is being recruited, if you will, by them and he asked Jay to go with him to one of their meetings tonight. we've all done a little research online to see if they're a legitimate business; a lot of people seem to think they're a little shady but you can't really trust everything you read on the internets. i guess i'll just have to wait to hear what Jay says about it.
in related news, we've been discussing graduate school a lot more lately. he's gonna apply to 7 schools. he definitely wants to go to v@ndy, but if he gets in a "better" school we're gonna have to move. it's weird. i've been itching to get the hell out of tennessee damn near all my life, and now that it's definitely a possibility, i'm scurred. i'd be far away from my family and friends and i've gotten really comfortable in this house. i decorated it myself. i can't work most of the electronic stuff, but it's pretty to look at. i don't wanna make new friends. i don't like new people. new people suck. as much as i enjoy being antisocial, i still have the option of calling someone to come over and hang out. and when we have babies, i won't have any direct support from anyone. my mommy won't be just 2-3 hours away.
gaaaaahhhhhh....this shit is so stressful and depressing.
OOOH!! if you haven't already, you must try the crispy chicken flamethrower sammich from DQ. it is soooooo good! i had one of those with 2 large fries and a large root beer. i'm almost ashamed to admit i ate that much but it was yummy in my tummy.
i can't help it.
i love food.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Sunday, June 24, 2007
howdy, internet folks. not much going on 'round here. i made a new-old template. i don't know how it looks though. does it work? yes? no? maybe?
Jay and i have been celebrating his birthday with lots of drinking, lots of smoking, and lots of makeup sex. we have really great sex. and it never gets old or boring. i love that. sometimes he catches me off guard with the stuff he does. it scares the shit out of me; you can't just be throwing in new sex moves all willy nilly. either you're fucking someone else or you're watching porn when i'm not around. if you like having two balls and dick, it better be the porn, buddy.
we watch porn together but never for a significant amount of time. i'm not turned on by it at all. i'll either laugh uncontrollably or sit there in shock and awe. i'm sorry but anyone who's turned on by watching some guy wiggle his head in some girl's cooch needs some serious help.
i'm on my second glass of wine, don't listen to me. it's all true, but pretty pointless. you will never get back the few minutes you spend reading this bullshit.
Jay told me to tell y'all to stop reading this. he wants me to quit blogging altogether and considers y'all enablers. but don't pay any attention to him, he's *special*. but i love his special ass. Jay has a nice ass. i like to smack it and bite it and pinch it.
he made me cry today. bitch ate my last poptart. i don't get it. he will submit to damn near any and every outrageous demand i have, but he refuses to let me have one goddamn box of poptarts to myself. gah. what the hell is wrong with him? i don't really know, but he looks good nekkid.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Thursday, June 21, 2007
1. today's Jay's birfday. we're not doing anything fancy, but we invited some friends along for some laser tag. i bought him an ice cream cake and that selfish bastard got high and ate half of it before i got a piece. i'm not mad though. he did some nice things with his tongue to make up for it. we're gonna stay home and put some burgers on the grill and get drunk and do the nasty. i bought lots of new sexy lingerie from victoria's secret yesterday. i might let him stick it in my butt. that's a lie. some things just aren't meant to be; letting that boy put his dick in my butthole is one of them. i can't do it. i won't do it. it's not natural. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!!! ^_^
2. i'm gonna wait to take the GRE. i think it'd be better to see where Jay is gonna go for his MBA [he's taking the GMAT in 2 weeks] and how the new baby business will unfold before i start getting caught up in all of that. he's obviously gonna apply to v@ndy, but there's no guarantee he'll get in and if we have to move somewhere, i don't want to have to worry about withdrawing and transfer credits and all that shit. and the more i think about it, i'd be a lot more happy and satisfied being a stay-at-home mom for a while than going back to school.
3. we may be doing lollapalooza. it depends on how many people can go. a lot of the bands that played bonnaroo will be there so we wouldn't be missing THAT much, but i kinda wanna go to as many shows as possible before the year's over.
4. i never thought i'd say this, but i'll be glad when i start my period so i can go on the pill again. even though we decided on late fall/early winter to start TTC, we're not being very careful. condoms suck ass. they ruin the moment.
5. i really need to start hitting the gym again. i should buy one of those stripper poles and start doing that cardio striptease workout at home. i'm limber. i could do that shit. i might bust my ass a few times, but i'm a quick learner.
6. why are my tits smaller now?
7. the other night i dreamt of dancing pancakes, waffles, and crepes. they wouldn't let me eat the waffles though. i was pissed. i love waffles.
8. 3am fingerbangs still rock my socks. wait, i don't wear socks. 3am fingerbangs rock.
9. is it wrong to have sex dreams about your celebrity crush? i am well aware that i will never get within two feet of david beckham, but i have a lot of dirty dreams about him and i always feel bad about it. maybe i'm crazy or maybe Jay's got an extreme amount of pussy control, but to me lusting after another man is just as bad as actually cheating. [insert sigh here]
10. i'm kinda horny now.
Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am
Monday, June 18, 2007
the hardest part about it all was not knowing what the hell was wrong with us.
any other fight we've had, i always knew we would make up within a day or two. that's how it's always been. we push each other's buttons to see how far we can go before the other actually snaps back. when we were kids, we'd physically fight and hate each other one day and be the best of friends the next day like nothing happened.
this time, he didn't call, he didn't ask anyone else to call and see where i was or if i was okay, he didn't even try. that hurt the most-- feeling like the person you love doesn't give a damn about you. meanwhile, i'm losing my damn mind trying to figure out why he's acting that way-- was it me? was he just staying with me all this time because we were having a baby? was he trying to call my bluff? is he in love with someone else?
the "other woman" theory was the only thing that made any sense to me; that, of course, only made things worse for me. by this time, every one is telling me to just forget about him because he doesn't deserve me after the way he's treated me and i should move on. if i felt like i was wrong for the way i reacted when he didn't come home, i'd be the first to admit it and apologize and we could move forward with or without each other. i wasn't just having a "bad day" and needed a hug.
i carried our baby inside me for 9 months and lost her before getting to see her take her first breath, hearing her first cry, seeing her first smile, looking into her eyes and her staring back into mine, feeding her for the first time, hearing her first words, her first steps, watching her sleep at night, seeing that amazing bond between her and her daddy continuously grow, among many other things. every single day i'm reminded and think of all i'm missing out on with Zoe. to not have the one person who understands this more than any one else could blatantly ignore my cry for consolation and solace that i could only get from him is inexcusable. who the fuck cares about work, new job or not, when your fiance calls you crying and begs you to come home because she needs you there? i would never put work ahead of anyone i love and plan to spend the rest of my life with. i would just walk out and leave if i had to, but that's just me. i care that much about him and our relationship.
when he told me that he took that job without discussing it with me first, i was fucking livid. i felt there was a huge lack of respect for me on his part. but after getting his side of the whole thing, i understood why he did it. i was still mad as hell, but i was trying to deal with it. i could've been the girl that called all the time and showed up unexpectedly, but i never did. he needed something of his own and he got it.
i believe i had every right to upset when he didn't come home. after hearing why he didn't and the guilt trip he tried to lay on me, i left because if i didn't i would've said some shit i'd probably regret later and i didn't want things to escalate any further than they already had.
since my last post:
monday- i had planned to go apartment shopping to see what was out there since things were looking kinda dismal on the reconciliation front as i still hadn't talked to Jay; but i couldn't make it through a single apartment tour without having a meltdown so Amy just told me i could stay with her, and if Jay and i didn't get back together, i could just sublease her apartment when she moves at the end of the summer. i was glad i wouldn't be homeless, but the whole roommate thing didn't quite work in college so i was a bit apprehensive.
i went to the house to get some clothes because i'd left only the clothes on my back and had been wearing Amy's clothes since. i kinda stole a couple of her hendrix t-shirts though. i don't think she noticed.
i didn't realize how much shit i had until stuffed 3 huge samsonite suitcases with as much as i could and still had a fuckton more to get. i just left the rest though. all i wanted was my clothes and a few things from the nursery; he could do whatever he wanted with the rest. i got my things, said goodbye to the dog, and left my keys and the ring. i was hoping after he saw that i'd been there he would call, but i'm glad i didn't get my hopes up too high because i would've been more disappointed than i already was.
tuesday- lots and lots of crying.
wednesday- Amy and i spent most of the day doing last-minute planning and getting our stuff ready for bonnaroo. we've been planning this shit since february. during the days leading up to it, i wasn't too sure if i was gonna go with all that was happening. Jay and i had missed it the pass couple of years and this was supposed to be our year getting back into the groove, Zoe was gonna be the cutest hippie baby ever, and it was gonna be Jay's first father's day. we actually bought VIP tickets this time around.
it wasn't that hard to convince me to go though. i knew Jay was gonna be there, but even if we didn't talk or anything i'd get to hang out with my friends, get some goodies
, and see some great performances.
when we got to our space, everyone immediately started setting up their tents and everything so we could sit and relax for a while then head out to some shows. it was kinda awkward at first because it was Jay and i who planned this whole thing from the beginning, yet we weren't speaking and hadn't seen each other in a week. everyone knew i wanted us make up, but no one knew what the hell Jay was thinking.
then Mike showed up.
he's the drunk uncle everyone hates to love. he and Jay are really good friends and he's like my big brother. he says i have horse nuts because i'm the only girl who's willing to go toe-to-toe with him as far as talking shit goes.
anyhoos, he's been out of the loop because he was away visiting his parents, but apparently someone caught him up on the bullshit. before he's even at our campsite, we hear him yelling "have those two fucked and made up yet?! you know Meems is gonna complain the whole time if she doesn't get fingerbanged at least once before we get started and Jayson cries like a little bitch when he doesn't blow a load once a day." it's hard to stay angry when you've got that bastard around you all weekend. so, that little comment kinda eased the tension.
Jay and i still didn't say a word to each other, just a few glances here and there. i won't lie; i was totally checking him out cause he has a very nice body. then i noticed he was starting to get a little burned and looked exhausted from setting up camp. i guess it's become second nature for me to take care of him because i didn't even think about the fact that we weren't speaking to each other. i just grabbed some sunblock and water and started telling him he needed to drink lots of water while i was spraying the sunblock on his neck and shoulders. then i snapped back to reality and handed the sunblock over to him. i looked up at him expecting him to say something, anything, but he just looked over me like i wasn't even there.
another knife in my heart.
i turned to walk away but he grabbed the back of my shirt and said "you're not gonna spray my back?"
and i did.
cause i'm a sucker.
as i was spraying him, he was like "does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?"
"no, it means i love you and i can't stop caring about you even though you've been an asshole to me and deserve to be kicked in the face, and we have a lot to talk about."
"does that talk involve you coming back home?"
"that's up to you."
mike (in the background): "your husband hasn't gotten laid in a week! do it before the hippies get to 'im!"
we didn't "do it" but there was lots of hugging, kissing, crying, me calling Jay an asshole, and mike randomly yelling shit. we agreed to enjoy the weekend and we'd save the breakup-or-makeup talk until we got back home. plus, i knew if i put out i'd forget all the important shit that we needed to talk about later. i'm whipped like that.
sets we saw:
-the black angels
-rodrigo y gabriela
-kings of leon
-the motherfucking roots!
-string cheese incident
-the super jam
-fountains of wayne
-the flaming lips
-sasha & john digweed
-the white stripes
-and the most disappointing performance came from:
the roots did a medley of songs, one of which was "roxanne"-- my favorite police song. they performed it better than the police did. the roots set was killer anyhow, but i was tripping on shrooms during the police set and didn't get into it AND those bastards ended their set 45 minutes early. that makes me sad. we all had a damn good time nonetheless.
-when we're all together, we play this game we like to call "piss on you". if you're caught sleeping, someone will pour water on your crotch so it looks like you pissed your pants. it wasn't as bad for the girls because we were all in either bikinis or long skirts, so it wasn't as noticeable as it was with the guys. mike getting "pissed on" was the funniest because right after i poured the water on him, he woke up and went "aw fuck man. sorry guys, i pissed on myself. i'm drunk." and he went back to sleep.
-while we were at the ziggy marley set, one drunken hippie stumbled over to where we were sitting looking for some goodies, and, of course, we all said we didn't have anything. but there's one roo-newbie in our group who didn't follow our lead. if there's one rule at bonnaroo, it's 'don't feed the hippies'. after she sold him something, he wouldn't go away. everyone was trying to be nice and let him chill until he started talking to the girls about going behind the portapotties to fuck. first of all, ew! secondly, ewwwww!! but luckily, we had big beefy boys around to direct the hippie in another direction.
-some random stoner told me if i could piss in his mouth for five bucks.
-it was really funny near the end to see the vendors trying to get rid of their stuff. until sunday morning, pipes were like $30+. bysunday night, they were going for 2 for 1 at $20 bucks.
-when we got home, all i wanted to do was take an extremely long shower and sleep in my bed with Jay. i actually slept better in the tent in a damn sleeping bag with Jay than i had the entire time i was at Amy's. it's damn near impossible for me to sleep without him next to me.
it felt good to be home in clean air and out of the heat.
we slept in until 11. that's when i woke up abruptly to wake him up for work only to find out last tuesday he was
"let go until he got his personal life together". for some reason i was mad about it. i think it's because all this shit happened because of that job and when it did finally get the best of us, he was dismissed. all of that for nothing, really. i'm not heartbroken about it and he doesn't seem to be either.
we had a big breakfast and talked about many, many, many issues we have. we managed to resolve most of them. the two lingering ones are about his family and me having to get used to not being with him all the time when he gets another job. i don't really consider the latter a big issue as long as he does what i tell him to. when you really think about it, our big fights are a result of him not listening to me and he should know better by now-- i'm always right.
Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff
Sunday, June 10, 2007
i can't sleep.
i've been staying at my friend amy's.
she's been my shoulder to cry on the past few days.
so, at least i can say i have one good friend to count on.
i think she's letting me stay because i've been cleaning ever since i got here and i cook for her.
i'm probably gonna go look for a new place on monday and get my stuff out of the house some time during the week when i know he won't be there.
i don't think he misses me.
he hasn't called.
not even once since i left.
i thought for sure he would call yesterday [saturday] or i'd see him at the mausoleum and we'd talk and makeup.
he probably didn't even remember.
and you know i would take him in a heartbeat if he asked, but i don't think he cares anymore.
that makes this allthemore painful.
we've known each other since we were kids and spent the past 4 years together.
how can he just let it all go like that?
was i really that hard to be with?
all i know is that my heart can't possibly take another loss like this.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Saturday, June 09, 2007
i hate being alone.
i miss him.
i don't want to.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Friday, June 08, 2007
i've been telling myself that this break-up is for the best; it's clear this new direction his life is going doesn't include me.
i don't think i'd feel as bad if it were another woman.
he chose a fucking job......wait, "career" he's had for 3 weeks over me.
it's almost laughable.
almost.so maybe i'll here.maybe i'll see you around.that's the way it goes.almost doesn't count.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Thursday, June 07, 2007
i'm not fine. i'm in pain. it's harder everyday.
i hate being stores where there are more than 5 people shopping. there's always some bitch with a baby and i end up having a brutal breakdown before i make it to my car.
this morning, i went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for dinner and a few other things. i've been so consumed with working out that i failed to realize there was pretty much no food in the fridge.
there was this disheveled-looking woman in the produce section with her baby, who couldn't have been more than a couple months old. the baby started crying and at the first, the woman ignored it. so i kinda poked around just to see how long she would wait before trying to calm down the poor little thing. after about 5 minutes, she looks in her bag and grabs a pacifier. when the baby wouldn't take it, she just scoffed and threw the pacifier back in her bag and pretended not to hear the crying. by this time, the baby is red in the face, and you know all she wanted was for her mom to pick her up and give her some motherly love. i wanted to go over and offer some help but something told me that woman would not have been too pleased with me if i had. it was a horribly disgusting scene and i had to leave.
when i got to my car, i felt so bad for that innocent child and wanted to go back in the store and knock some sense into that piece of shit. it hurts my heart when i see how ungrateful some parents are. there are people in this world who are dying to have kids and can't, yet the people who can are so unappreciative. i would give my right arm and leg just to be able to hear my little girl cry once and let her know everything's okay because her mommy loves her and would never ever let anyone or anything hurt her. instead, i'm constantly reminded of all those precious moments i'll never have with her thanks to ignorant parents in the world.
at the hospital, Jay and i got to give Zoe a bath and put on the little outfit she was supposed to wear the day we brought her home. after bathing her, Jay wrapped her in this little pink blanket that he bought and had her name embroidered on it. when we left the hospital, i took the blanket with me because it still had her new baby/baby lotion-y scent on it. for a while, whenever i went in the nursery, i'd sit in the rocking chair with that blanket because that was the closest thing i had to actually having her in my arms and the loss wouldn't hurt as much because i felt like i still had a little piece of her with me.
so i came home and went in the nursery. i sat in my rocking chair with that blanket and cried and cried and cried until my head hurt. for a moment, i sat there thinking what could i have possibly done in my life to deserve all this heartache. for the most part, i'm a pretty decent person. but thinking about that just makes me more anxious and upset, so i pulled the blanket to my face and took a deep breath.
and it was gone.
it didn't have my little girl's smell anymore. at first, i thought maybe it was because my nose had gotten all stuffy from crying, so i waited a few seconds. after another deep breath and a few quick sniffs, it still wasn't there. for me, the scent in that blanket was all i had, and now that it's gone, i feel like i've lost my baby all over again. there are no words to describe how emotionally devastating that feeling is.
i called Jay and told him he had to come home because i needed him. he kept asking why and i didn't wanna talk about it over the phone, i just told him he had to come home right away. he said he couldn't leave right away, and i just said "okay" thinking he would be home earlier than usual. one hour passed. two hours passed. three hours passed. still no Jay. he didn't even call. he came home the same time he does every other day.
i don't think i've ever been so upset and disappointed with him. i'm still pissed off. i can't even talk to him right now because i know i'll probably say some shit i'll regret later. i have NO ONE here and the one person who i'm supposed to be able to depend on, especially now, doesn't even give a damn because his job is more important and i should just be content with waiting until he's left work for the day. i've taken a lot of shit from him, but not being here when i needed him is unaccpetable. damn near unforgivable. i'm not some part-time, weekends-only girlfriend and i will not be second best to a job. if he really expects me to accept that position then we're not gonna make it afterall; i refuse to waste anymore energy fighting for and trying to maintain this fucking relationship when he's not doing the same.
i can't do it. i won't.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Monday, June 04, 2007
according to Jay, when i tan too dark and wear my hair curly, i look like a mexican.
but he's stupid so i don't really pay that much attention to him.
sometimes, when he talks, i don't think he should be allowed to procreate.
for instance, last night, we were in bed cuddling. he got up to go to the bathroom. just as he was about to walk out, he stops in the doorway and makes this confuzzled-looking face, looks down then looks at me, and goes "i just took a piss....but i didn't shake it off well enough. i hate when that happens."
this motherfucker is almost 22 years old and still can't pee the right way. that's what my future holds, y'all!!! now, i'm gonna have to be the one to potty train all of our kids because this asshole couldn't stand an extra 5 seconds to shake some piss droplets off his dick.
i had every intention of writing about my weekend, but i don't have the desire to do so. it was pretty uneventful since we pretty much stayed home and fucked the whole time, except for the few hours we hung out at the pool with some friends and went to play laser tag. i love laser tag.
oh, i thought i didn't like male strip clubs cause i didn't like strange men in thongs shaking their junk in my face. turns out i don't like ANY man in a thong shaking their junk in my face. and i'm a fiend for Jay's dick. i like it. i like it a lot. but i should've just left well enough alone. it was pretty funny listening to him while he attempted to put on the thong though.
i missed my spinning class this morning. my giney was sore and those bikes aren't cushioned very well. they can kiss my ass.
i was supposed to go orientation for that job, but decided not to. i was gonna go just for the hell of it, but i just kept driving and went to have lunch with Jay.
i think a part-time job is the cure for my current state of boredom and annoyance with Jay working, but retail isn't where it's at. i have a fucking degree in cognitive studies, "what size do you want that in?" ain't gon' cut it. [i really hate that it's called "cognitive studies" when it's just psychology.]
i think i'm gonna look for some clerical-type work for a psychologist or psychiatrist. i want something in the clinical setting. that way when/if i apply to grad school and they ask what the hell i've been doing since i graduated, i can actually sound like i've been productive. work experience in the field is always beneficial.
i'm not doing so hot on the GRE shit. i've taken 3 CAT practice tests and i'm barely pulling a 1000. initially, i thought the quant section would fuck me up since it's been so long since i've taken any math course and i just plain suck at math anyway, but the verbal section is really kicking my ass. it hurts my heart a little. that test makes me feel dumb. i don't like that.
i do have a stash of reese's in my desk though.
that chocolate and creamy peanut butter goodness makes me giggle like a little girl.
Labels: my love, this is who i am
Saturday, June 02, 2007
i'm slightly inebriated but that's okay.
i'm gonna get my ovaries knocked around in a minute or two but i had to write about this before i forget.
i really hate the saying "you want to have your cake and eat it too". duh, bitch. i ain't just gonna sit there and look at it. i'm gonna eat that shit. i like cake. it's so tasty. especially chocolate cake with vanilla frosting. ooh, red velvet. i like red velvet cake. it's yummy in my tummy.
Jay's putting on a thong. he's been in there a while so i don't think it's going well. all that meat and taters.
i'm a dork.
Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am
Friday, June 01, 2007
i think i'm having a better day today. yesterday, i was really sad and depressed and feeling neglected. i couldn't talk to anyone because for some reason, people think that if they say how bad other people have it compared to me, i'll just get over it.
it does not work that way with me. what other people are going through is not relevant to my situation so i don't give a fuck about them and i sure as hell don't wanna hear about it. i'm selfish like that.
so, i spent most of the day at the gym working out all my anger. it's becoming my second home. and it's becoming unhealthy. if didn't work out all the time, i'd just have some other unhealthy obsession instead. i cannot be in this house alone all day while Jay's working; i have to do something to keep me busy or i'll end up right back where i was 2 months ago.
i'm not coping well with Jay working. i'm left feeling so out of my element. for as long we've known each other, we've spent more time together than apart. now, i have to share him with the 9 to 5 world. i'm a fairly generous person but there are two things in this world i do not like to share-- my food and my man-- you can have everything else. but i'll fight you for touching the other two.
everyone says i'm being unreasonble and selfish. but what they fail to realize is we're not a normal couple. there's nothing anyone can say or do to convince me i'm wrong for not wanting that douchebag to have a well-paying job with benefits and shit. he's a trust fund baby. he could live off the money he has in the bank for the next 5 years and still have plenty to spare. he doesn't need
a job. that bastard should've started off with a part-time job. i would've had a little more time to adjust. but no, a week after finishing school this motherfucker is working full-time. i have been traumatized by this shit but no one seems to care about that. do you know how much sex and cuddling time i'm losing because of a stupid job? i require too much attention to ever be okay with this.
[edit: i quit before i started. and it wasn't urban outfitters, it was hollister. i get those two mixed up a lot. i buy from UO online and hollister in-store. fuck you. they all look alike.]
Labels: my love, this is who i am