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Thursday, March 29, 2007

    upside down, inside out.

days are easy to get through, i keep myself busy with stuff around the house, online shopping, and working out. it's the nights that are most difficult. i'll be in bed either watching tv or cuddling with Jay, and it feels like something's missing. of course, it's my baby girl. i'm supposed to have that little girl in my arms. i should be changing diapers, warming bottles/breastfeeding, watching her sleep, comforting her when she's crying, telling Jay i can't deal with her anymore and he has to take over.

i don't get to do any of those things. it's like the entire pregnancy was a set up for me to get my hopes up. i planned the rest of my life around Jay and that baby and future kids we'd have together. instead, it's all just one huge disappointment because all the past bullshit i've had to endure wasn't enough.

i've never been one to claim life is fair, because it isn't; but i can't help but feel that i'm never gonna catch a break. every time i think my life is heading in a positive, meaningful direction, i'm hit with another devastating experience. i don't know why i even bother trying picking up the pieces when i'm only gonna be broken down again. that's all there seems to be, and there's only so much one person can take. the one good thing in my life is Jay, and it's only a matter of time before something takes him away from me.

i'm tired of being letdown.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

    feel the buuuurrrrrnnnnn

today was a good day. i went to the gym for the first time since i don't know when, and worked out for 3 whole hours. it wasn't too strenuous because things down yonder haven't fully healed yet; but it was still a good workout. i had my purdy little ipod full-blast and walked 3 miles on the treadmill, 500 sit-ups, and some upper body stuff.
i'm still feeling good but i know i'm gonna pay for that shit tomorrow. my legs are starting to tingle now. at first, i really didn't wanna go because i just knew when i left the house, i'd run into someone i know and they'd ask me about the baby and ruin my day, but no one bothered me. so, i'm good.

i've lost almost 15 pounds already, but i've got about 30 more to go. and the pudge. i don't like the pudge. the plan is to be at least down to a size 4 by Jay's graduation. maybe then we'll have sex cause i don't plan on putting out anytime soon.

OH! yesterday, Jay and i went to see this counselor that one of the doctors from the hospital referred me to. now, i'm very finicky about counselors/therapists. it takes a few intakes with different people before i actually find one i'm comfortable with. Jay used to give me hell about that; he said i was just being difficult and there was no reason for me to go through as many therapists as i have. but now he knows what that shit is like.

this bitch had to be Freud's mom or something. she was old as dust. for serious. and Jay has issues with old people-- he doesn't like them. i don't know why. i've known him for nearly 15 years and all i know is that it has something to do with one of his granddad's friends yelling at him when he was younger, but i don't know the whole story.
she was just so annoying. after answer we gave her, she'd go "mmhmmm, mmmkay" in that old lady voice of hers. she had her little glasses sitting on the tip of her nose. THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF WEARING GLASSES!!! you can't see if the damn things aren't on your face properly!

what irked me the most was the nose picking. she wasn't even trying to hide it, just digging away and wiping it on her old lady skirt.

needless to say, we're not going back. he and i agree as long as the line of communication between the two of us stays open, we can manage on our own.

the would-be nursery is now a big question mark. i'm not really sure what i want to do with it. initially, i just wanted to pack everything up and donate it to the goodwill and salvation army. but when it was actually time to take everything away, i couldn't let it go. it's all my little girl's stuff. this past christmas i bought her a little play gym as one of her gifts for next christmas.
i felt like people would be benefiting from my loss and i didn't want them to. i mean, i know there's stuff people could use, but i'd rather just buy stuff for the purpose of donating it, rather than give my baby's stuff away. it just doesn't feel right to give it all away now. so, everything is in big tupperware bins just sitting in the nursery. Jay moved the furniture into the attic, but all the wall decor is still up. i think for now we'll probably just leave it as is until we both feel it's okay to paint over it and move everything out. i don't know.

i know tomorrow i'm gonna do nothing but stay in bed and make Jay be my bitch.

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

    ever notice "nemo" spelled backwards is "omen"?

jay and i went away this weekend. it was actually pretty nice. it started off a little rough, but i think it's exactly what we both needed-- a change of scenery. we definitely made some progress in the "healing stage". it's still pretty hard though. it's like everything reminds me of what once was and everything that isn't now. my life revolved around having that baby. i miss having that little person inside me and all the craziness that went along with being pregnant. it's different everyday-- at times, i just wanna forget it all. i'm worn out from this whole thing. there are moments i think i don't wanna get pregnant again and have to go through this all over again; sometimes, i wanna try again as soon as possible just to get that feeling back.

everyday is a battle.
jay and i came to the conclusion that me being on an antipsychotic drug was way too fucking extreme. hell, all i needed was some food and sleep. i'll try the counseling but i'm not taking that shit. i've been on antidepressants before and i've studied these types of drugs in psychopharmacology. they can kiss my ass.
unlike most consumers, i don't buy the bullshit the doctors and pharmaceutical manufacturers try to feed us. they put that shit out on the market claiming it's a treatment, when it only masks symptoms; and they don't know the long-term effects it has on people. all to make money. gotta love capitalism.

i just know i recover better from bad experiences from doing things my way. i've lived through some really fucked up things. i've made it this far doing what i want, so why not keep the trend going?

i've noticed people get really frustrated with me when they ask about what happened and i don't give them every. single. detail. i don't understand why just telling people my baby stillborn isn't enough. that's a conversation i like to keep as short and simple as possible; but it seems as if people feel as though i owe them a fully-detailed explanation of what went on. there were a lot of things that happened before, during, and after delivery. ever think that maybe, just maybe, talking about those particular details make it allthemore difficult for me? i mean, it's only been 2 weeks. am i missing something? should i be giving people a play-by-play account of what happened?

get over it.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

    umm...i don't remember writing that last post, so you should probably ignore it. i was told i had a psychotic break [ more specifically, postpartum psychosis] and i attempted to stab a couple of people because i thought they were plotting to have me committed. and in the days leading up to my little break from reality, i had been extremely paranoid and actually hid in one of the cabinets with a knife for several hours because i was convinced Jay had people out trying to kill me. that's what sleep deprivation does, i suppose. i don't particularly care for waking up handcuffed to a hospital bed though. so, in that sense, i wasn't too far off-base. i don't remember going to that hospital voluntarily. then again, i don't remember much of the past several days at all.

    i guess it did some good though. i'm not too happy about being on an antipsychotic med, but whatever it takes. i've been sleeping. i don't spend nearly as much time crying now. it doesn't take away the hurt and emptiness i feel though. part of me is still hoping this is all one horribly fucked up dream and i'm gonna wake up and still be pregnant, awaiting the arrival of my baby girl.

    i really don't know what to do with myself now. EVERYTHING that i'd planned was all about her and me trying to be a good mom. now, i really have no purpose. i thought about planning our wedding again, but i don't even know if we're even staying together after all this. i know he's trying to be the "good boyfriend" and be supportive and stay with me during this time, but i don't like subjecting him to this. he's 21 years old. he shouldn't have to deal with this shit now. he should be out enjoying his last semester in college, hanging out with friends, and all that stuff. not having to sleep with one eye open because he has a very unstable girlfriend.

    my mouth is dry.

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    Saturday, March 17, 2007

      i've slept about 10 hours since last thursday. most of my days are spent in bed with the blanket pulled over my head, crying. delirium has set in. i have a few moments of clarity but it doesn't make it any better. i heard them talking about getting me some help. i know they mean put me in some hospital where all they do is drug you and pretend you don't exist. i'll kill every single one of them before that happens. i'm not crazy. i just lost my baby and they won't let me grieve the way i want. "you need to eat something." "you need to get some sleep." i wish they'd all just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

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      Monday, March 12, 2007

        jaded by the pain

      i've found it's easier to stay awake all day and night crying, than to sleep. it's so unsettling to close my eyes and be haunted by the face of that little person i love and carried around inside me for so many months, and constantly being reminded me of all those "firsts" Jay and i'll never get to experience and share with her.

      every time i feel like i've made just the smallest amount of progress, my own body turns against me --phantom kicks, lactating, etc.-- and i'm right back where i started. it's probably the worst part of it all, still feeling and looking pregnant even though she's not there. one step forward, a thousand steps back.

      i thought after having my baby girl, things in my life would begin to really change for the better. Jay and i, for the most part, were on solid ground and we had this exciting new little baby coming into our lives; so many wonderful things to look forward. all the bullshit before were simply little bumps in the road to get us where we're going. unfortunately, these chain of events have only reaffirmed every cynical, pessimistic assumption and thought about my life i've ever had. and i don't want to be that person. i'm sick of that person. i hate that person. though sadly enough, i am that person.

      i'm not okay and i won't be for a very long time. i've accepted that. but i really hate people feeling as though they have to walk on eggshells around me. it just makes me more uncomfortable. i don't wanna talk about it with anyone except Jay, but that doesn't mean i'm incapable of discussing other things. in fact, it helps to carry on normal conversation. sure, i've got cabbage leaves in my bra, but i can still make fun of stupid celebrities and fat people who drive really small cars.

      fresh prince is on. i love those mini-marathons.

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      Friday, March 09, 2007

        i thought the next time i posted, i'd be doting over my sweet baby girl and indulging all the details of my first labor and delivery experience. instead, all i can think about is how in just 24 hours, i went from feeling like the happiest, luckiest woman alive awaiting the imminent birth of my daughter with the man i love to heartbroken and devastated, both of us now grieving the death of our baby girl. i really don't know what to say except thanks to everyone for the advice and support throughout this whole pregnancy. i'm not really sure where to go from here, but i hope y'all understand that i'm gonna need a little time before i'm ready to address this any further.

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        Thursday, March 08, 2007

          update #1 via crackberry

        water broke at 1:01pm while i was swiffering the kitchen floor. jay yelled at me because i wouldn't go get in the car without re-swiffering the floor. i can't just be leaving amniotic fluid on the kitchen floor all willy nilly. what's wrong with him? we made it to the hospital in 13 minutes. didn't get pulled over. i stuck my tongue out at the admittance lady cause i know she was talking shit the other night we were here. i'm surprisingly calm right now, while jay is trying to maintain. he just called the moms to let them know where to find us when they get here. he's so nervous his hands are shaking and he's pacing. it's kinda pissing me off. doctor's here, so i gotta go now. i'll try to update again later on. smooches! xoxo


        Wednesday, March 07, 2007

          i rarely spell/grammar check

        i'm really annoyed and irritated by people. why is it that every person i talk to says something like "you look like you're gonna pop any minute now!" or "you need to have that baby already!" or "it seems like you've been pregnant forever!"?
        a couple of our friends came by today, and of course somebody had to say something of that nature. that is like worst thing you could ever say to a pregnant woman. especially a pregnant woman like me who's easily angered and violent. and i refuse to apologize for breaking my swiffer handle on his back and making him wait outside until the person he came with was ready to leave; he deserved that shit. plus, i have a backup swiffer for situations like that.

        but most importantly:

        BABY FURNITURE IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        i peed my pants a little when the delivery guy brought it. though when he rang the doorbell, i had every intention of cussing him out for interrupting the Young & the Restless.

        baby furniture! the nursery will be finished BEFORE my baby girl is here! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! the brochure thingy said "some assembly required". i just thought that meant we'd have to put the little drawers in the armoire and hutch and put the mattress in the crib. it's actually a little more complicated than that. the top half of the hutch has to be attached to the lower half and the crib has pieces, like rails and screws and stuff that has to be assembled.
        i was kinda scared the changing table we bought wouldn't be the same color, but it's perfect! i can't wait to put all of the little carebear decor in the crib and on the shelves.

        but you know what would be even more perfect? if SOMEONE would hurry the fuck up and get it together so i can cry and tell him where to put everything only to have him move it three or four more times, and probably cry again.

        oh! just for y'all, i asked Jay if he would update about baby business after the little one arrives and he said he'll "think about it". honestly, i don't know if i want him too. i don't really trust him with my password. recently, we had a little squabble about a myspace page that he failed to mention he had, and i got really tired of seeing all those ugly, clown whores commenting on his page, totally disregarding the "in a relationship" status, and i ultimately deleted it. and you know he's not too fond of me blogging, so......hmmmm, i'm sure i'll have my crackberry with me so i can probably get a couple of mini-updates in before i can start posting regularly and fill y'all in on everything; and hopefully [keep your fingers crossed] he'll let me post pictures of our sweet baby girl.

        another thing i cannot fucking stand: people telling me my baby is gonna be bad when she gets older. that's just asking to get spit in the face.

        stupid people deserve to have their their tongues cut off. like roach from "the people under the stairs". except i liked roach. i cried when he died. i wonder if they have that movie at blockbuster.

        i'm considering maybe having sex to induce labor. i kinda don't want to because i'm so afraid Jay's peen is gonna hurt baby girl. if you could see that thing, you'd be scared too. but it's been like a week and a half since we've had sex. that's almost a record for us. my vibrator picked the worst time to die.

        i meant to write about this a couple days ago, but my memory is pretty terrible and i forget a lot of stuff. anyhoos, i had this dream that i was in the hospital, i'm assuming in the nursery because there were all these babies crying. but there was one baby's cry that stood out and i just knew it was my baby girl. i tried to follow the cry so i could get to her and hold her [and make all the other babies jealous :)] and make sure she was okay, but there were so many babies crying, it's hard to tell which direction her cry was coming from. then all the other mommies came to claim their babies, and there's just one left, presumably my baby girl. i ran over to the crib, and there's my baby but she had no face. well, she had a face, but i couldn't see it. so, the baby's crying and i'm crying because i didn't know what to do with a baby without a face. then i felt something pulling on my nipple, and i looked down and the baby with no face had latched on to my boob, except now i could kinda see her profile. right when i was about to pull away so i could see her whole face, i woke up. and to my surprise, i had two huge wet stains on my gown.

        the one night i go to bed without a bra on, the boobs have leak-fest.

        at least it wasn't one of those dreams where Jay had to wake me up because i was biting his arm or back. he calls me hannibal the cannibal because of that. i don't particularly care for that nickname.

        happy hump day!

        i think we're gonna barbecue tonight.

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          [insert lots of obscenities here]

        thought i was having the baby tonight. no such luck.
        it took us longer to drive to and from the hospital than the amount of time we actually spent in the hospital there. stupid pre-registration.

        and you know what? if you get pulled over cause SOMEONE is driving like a bat out of hell, the cop won't give you an escort you to the hospital so you don't get pulled over again or have an accident. they just wave you off and tell you to be careful.

        i did get to practice cussing out nurses though.
        i was so pissed when they told me to go home because i haven't dilated and my water hasn't broken yet.
        I'M IN PAIN!!!!!
        who the fuck cares about water breaking or dilation??? my vagina feels like it's gonna fall off.

        we're probably gonna have 3 or 4 more false alarms before zoe decides to get to gettin'.

        man, i'm gonna be pregnant until christmas.


        Monday, March 05, 2007

          tick tock tick tock

        if it were physically possible, i'd throw a tantrum right now. i'm getting very frustrated with this waiting game.oh, the trickery and deception. after losing my mucus plug and these braxton hicks contractions, i thought i'd be in the hospital cussing out everyone in the maternity ward and having my baby girl. that hasn't happened, y'all!!!

        Jay had the audacity to grope me and imply he wanted sex while i was making dinner last night, and again while we were in bed. i felt so dirty and violated. i smacked and cussed him out like a stepchild. he's not gonna be poking my defenseless, albeit stubborn, baby in her little precious head. i will cut him.

        i did kinda call the doctor this morning and ask if it's really okay to have sex now since baby girl has dropped and the whole mucus plug thing. and i kinda cussed him out because had he not done that ECV, everything wouldn't have progressed as quickly as it has. and very nonchalantly, he told me to light some candles, take a nice, long warm bath, and have a go at it with Jay. sex will help with effacement and loosen the vaginal walls, and orgasms should help induce labor. i don't think i can do it though. it just doesn't seem right.

        you know what's depressing? writing a will and deciding who gets to live, me or baby girl, in case something goes horribly wrong during delivery. we've been putting it off for a while and today we're supposed to meet with our lawyer to get it done; but i don't particularly like that man so i'm just gonna write it out myself. as long as it's in writing and signed by me and a witness, it's a legal doc and can't be contested. well, it could, but i'd be dead so it wouldn't really matter to me. i don't think Jay's gonna be too happy about who gets zoe if both he and i die before she's 18 [hint: it won't be his family]. he can kiss my ass. i'm the mommy; what i say goes.

        i really want some taco bell.


        Sunday, March 04, 2007

          weekend shit

        still preggers. not that i'm disappointed or anything. i'm just really anxious to meet my baby girl now. it feels like i've been carrying her forever. i wanna meet the little person who's been kicking me and giving me heartburn all this time, and kiss her little face and little fingers and toes and smell her new baby smell and tell her how she's gonna make all the other babies in the world jealous because she's the bestest baby ever.

        [lie]i'm so not crying right now.[/end lie]

        i didn't fall asleep until 6 this morning. my mind was just all over the place. i really need to stop reading stuff on those pregnancy/mommy/baby message boards. i think that's what making me more worrisome and paranoid.

        the good thing about staying up was i was able to get up and pee an hour before i normally do, so the contractions weren't as bad. my hoohoo still feels like it's gonna implode though.

        i actually got my fat ass out of bed today and walked around for more than 3 seconds; more than i intended to, but we're making some progress.

        Jay made me go with him to get another fridge for the bedroom. we both thought it would be a good idea to get one with a little more space for all the baby's bottles.

        now, i'm very irritable and i don't wanna be bothered with unnecessary bullshit at this point in the pregnancy; even though you could argue i've been that way the whole time but that's beside the purpose. that's not atypical for someone who's gonna have a baby any day now.

        Jay and i are checking fridges when one of the sales people comes over to "help". Jay's doing all the talking, i'm staying quiet because i don't feel like talking. i know, i'm shocked too. anyhoos, the dude is like, "When are we due?" i shook my head, "We? I don't know you, person." he thinks the shit is funny so he chuckles to Jay, "Woohoohoooo! Gotta be those pregnancy hormones. Good luck with that."

        "Hey! I'm standing right here. Don't talk to him about me like I can't hear you. You don't know me like that. We're not FRIENDS. I don't even know your name and you are in serious violation of my two feet rule. Now, back the fuck up before I mace your ass!"

        men fear pregnant women. that kid couldn't get away fast enough. Jay was like, "Why do you have to terrorize every place we go?" and without missing a beat, "Because I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to do that. It's the LAW."

        but yeah, we got a new fridge. it's purdy. i thought with it being bigger it would make more noise than the smaller one, but it's actually quieter. and it didn't take very long to get cold. so, i'm pleased at the moment. that probably won't last very long though.

        hmmm....looks like i'm gonna be up late again.

        i think i'm gonna make some scrambled eggs and a waffle. breakfast foods are always better at night.


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        Friday, March 02, 2007


        as my great-aunt Lucy would say.

        i thought i was gonna die this morning. die and give birth at the same time.

        when i wake up in the morning, the first thing i do is look up to see if Jay's awake, roll over, and waddle my ass over to bathroom to pee.

        i got my ass out of bed and it felt like there's a bowling ball sitting in my giney ready to fall out at any second. obscenely painful contractions started. you could not tell me i was not gonna have this baby and die at the same time. Jay's trained so that when i smack him in the face and yell "GET UP NOW!" he knows it's that time.

        instead of just breaking the law doing 100 on the expressway to get to the hospital as planned, Jay wants to be all rational and shit and calls the doctor, who, btw, i'm really starting not to like. he wants us to come to his office instead so he can check me out himself because it could be false labor. i'm like, 'bitch, i got on a nightgown and sweats-- acceptable HOSPITAL attire. this is not doctor-visit attire." cause even when i think i'm about to push a little person out of my cooch, i'm still shallow as hell.

        so, we pull into the parking lot and Jay runs around the car to help me get out. me being in pain he will never be able to comprehend, i snapped at him. okay, i snapped at him and hit him with my bag, but only because i didn't want him touching me. his touching me is the reason i'm all fat and pregnant and having contractions and feeling like my vagina is about to explode.
        i walked shuffled into office, didn't say hello to the receptionist, didn't sign in; i took my ass straight through that door and screamed for the doctor to bring his out and if i had to come looking for him, there was gonna be some trouble.

        obviously, if i'm typing this now, i didn't have the baby; but if i'm this fucking crazy with a false alarm, i feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with me when it's the real thing. i'm pretty sure someone's getting punched in the face.

        so yeah, it was false labor. she's officially "dropped" though. i'm only 25% effaced and haven't even dilated . oh, and the doc said the reason i tend to have more contractions in the morning is because my bladder is full and i'm not as hydrated as opposed to later hours of the day. ain't that a bitch.

        i've been the one who's most insistent on carrying baby girl the whole 40 weeks for obvious reasons, but i can't do it. i feel really bad about that because i feel like i'm being selfish and putting my own wants before baby girl's NEEDS. but i really don't think i go 3 more weeks feeling like this. the doc told us we could try to induce labor by all the classic means: eating spicy foods, walking, sitting in a warm bath, SEX.

        sex would be my first choice, but a reddish-brown slug-like thing fell out of my vagina yesterday, there's still some discharge going on down yonder, and i'm still pretty sore from the ECV. for the first time in a very long time, sex is far from the top of my 'to do' list.

        i'm sooooo not doing the spicy food thing. having ass-vomit while i'm pushing just doesn't appeal to me.

        right now, i'm just laying in bed. i don't feel like walking and i'm not lifting or spreading my legs to get in the bath. kiss my fat, false labor-having ass. in a minute, i'm gonna allow Jay to come back in the room so he can lay with me and rub my back. i kinda banned him from ever talking to me again because he said i was "mean as hell."

        i don't know what the hell zoe is doing in there, but it feels she's using my cervix as her own personal piano and must play every single key a thousand and one times.

        this is not fun.
        not at all.

        i think i'm gonna cry again.


        Thursday, March 01, 2007

          this probably falls into the TMI category

        a big storm rolled through here last night.
        why can't it just rain?
        why does there have to be all the flash and boom that scares the shit out of me?

        i was laying there with Jay holding me and the covers pulled over my head and i thought 'this is a sign. something's gonna happen to my baby.' *sigh* i can't even recall how many times i've cried over the past two days now. all this shit has me convinced pregnancy is not for me. Jay and i are one and done. he may not like it, but until there's some medical breakthrough and men can have babies themselves, zoe is it for us. there's no way i can do this 3 more times. i just can't.

        this morning, i went to go pee and Jay came in to brush his teeth. normally, i'd cuss his ass out for violating my space like that. i don't care how big the bathroom is and how far away the toilet is from the sink. unless i invite you in, you do not need to be in the bathroom with me when i'm trying to pee. but i wasn't really focused on him. i had to go and cussing him out interrupts that whole process of me maneuvering my ass down on the toilet without breaking something.

        while i was peeing, i felt something kinda awkward in my giney. as far as i can tell, only women read this, so, you know how when you're on your period you shed the lining of your uterus, it tends to happen when you're peeing and it feels all mushy and nasty coming out? yeah, that's kinda what it felt like. of course, being the inquisitive person that i am, when i was done peeing [and wiping. eww.], i got up and looked in.


        [foamy mouth and all] "Yeah, babe?"

        "Did you make any plans for this week or next week?"

        [spit] "Nothing really concrete. Why?"

        "Well....I'm pretty sure that's my mucus plug in the pool of piss, so....... you're probably gonna be a daddy a little sooner than expected?"

        [choking on toothpaste. spit.] "Th-th-that's not supposed to happen yet. Are you sure?"

        "Come see for yourself."

        [blank stare]

        "Are you okay?"

        [in a high pitched voice] "Huh?"

        "Are you okay?"

        "I-I-I'm good. Are you okay? Is the baby okay?"

        "I think so. I don't particularly care for mucus leaking out of my giney though."

        "Okay, that works. You wanna go lay back in bed?"

        "I think I'm gonna go downstairs and make breakfast. I'm hungry. You hungry?"

        "Yeah? A little?"

        "Honey? You haven't moved or blinked in the past minute we've been talking."

        [pause] "That cause I can't FEEL MY LEGS!"

        i went over to hug me and he grabbed me arms, "You nasty motherfucker. You did not wash your hands." feel the love?

        so, AFTER i washed my hands, we stood in the bathroom talking some more and crying and screaming with excitement. now he's feeling all the nervousness and anxiety and excitement i've been feeling the whole pregnancy. and of course, i threatened to take baby girl and leave him if that nursery is not finished in time. he thinks i'm joking, but i certainly am not!

        now, we're both just kinda taking it all in. awaiting labor, i guess? it could be anywhere from a day to a week from now, so i'm not getting my hopes too high. i've been going back and forth between excited and extremely happy about meeting my little girl to fucking terrified. i'm just so afraid of something going wrong and being a terrible mom. i'm trying though.

        i'm still really sore from the ECV. i've got a plethora [i had to jump at the opportunity to use that word. it's so fun!] of bruises on my stomach from the doc twisting baby girl; it hurts to be touched but i'm sucking it up and letting Jay rub and lay his head [not that one you kinky bitch] on the buddha belly. although, his talking to my crotch isn't too cute. i don't know how much more of that i can take. i'm guessing there's plenty of internal bruising as well since baby girl's kicks aren't as pleasant. that jittery feeling from the injection has gone away though. that's really nice. for a while, i was feeling like a crackhead in desperate need of a hit.

        i'm hungry again.


        p.s. the braxton hicks contractions are officially fucking awful!

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