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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

    title title title

another fun fun fun weekend. Jay was actually supposed to be gone for work for nearly a week, but those plans got scrapped, so i got to have him all to myself for the long weekend.

saturday, some fat bitch threatened to "break [my] little ass in half" at some kids' soccer game. the whole verbal exchange was actually pretty funny; i just don't get why fat chicks are always ragging on "skinny bitches". it's not my goddamn fault you don't know when to put down the twinkies and when to get your ass on a treadmill.

i didn't even wanna go to game, but one of Jay's co-worker's kids thinks Jay is god and kept asking him to come see the kid play and Jay can't say "no" to kids. fat girl started with all the fuckery long before we got there, but for some reason she zeroed in on me when we got there. "and look at this skinny bitch. looking like a damn twig with a balloon around her waist." and of course with me not being able to just shut up and ignore the shit, "at least it's a balloon and not the whole fucking circus, big nasty."

i need to stop fucking with fat bitches cause one of these days, i'm gonna catch a whole gang of those heifers and it's gonna be curtains for me. but until then, i'm still talking shit.

i guess homegirl wasn't expecting me to say anything back because she got all Fat Bastard telling me she's dead sexy and i'm jealous and she'd break me in half. um, you gotta catch me first, busted biscuit. it was really all fun and games until she said i had a weave. i put way too much time and energy in maintaining my hair for people to be assuming it's fake; i'm sensitive about my shit. so from that point on, i wouldn't let her get an insult in. every time she opened her mouth, i roasted her. from those lopsided, knock-off crocs to the whole pizza, 3 servings of nachos, and giant ass cup of DIET coke she devoured. FUCKERY. i've never shut up a big girl before. it made me feel all warm and tingly on the inside. i even got a little applause from the crowd too. when we were leaving, i told her to try not to have a heart attack and die on the way home. yeah, it was mean but she said i had a nappy weave and that's just crossing the line, lady. silky smooth, bitch. silky smooth.

sunday, we just vegged out and watched movies all day and night. well, the movies kinda watched us. between doing the hanky panky, napping, and fawning over the little one, we never made through a single movie. i think my favorite moment was my darling husband falling asleep with his hand on my belly, breathing on my neck when my little mama started to move around. it's those little moments i wish i could catch on film and look back and say "this is when everything about you was all sweet and innocent, before you turned mama's hair all gray." in a close-second was him telling me to take off my clothes and come to bed. heeeeyyyyy!

monday was all fun in the sun....and rain. we took the boat up to the lake and hung out with some friends for some hearty laughs and delicious barbecue courtesy of my deliciously hot husband. i actually mustered up the courage to step out in a bikini showing off my ever-growing belly and chi-chis. oooh, and i got a really nice tan too.

so far, i've managed to stay nicely toned and stretch mark-free, but i'm becoming increasingly paranoid because i've been seriously slacking with working out and keeping up with my 3x a day routine of slathering myself in cocoa butter. i just don't wanna be so damn greasy all the time and now people are telling me i should be worried about cellulite. sometimes, preserving my sexy is too much. i need a break from cleansers and moisturizers and exfoliaters and toners. and i wanna eat the family pack from taco bell all by myself and wash it down with a giant strawberry shake without worrying about having back titties.

oh, vanity, how i loathe thee.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

    it's just a fly love song

i had a really nice weekend. friday, we drove home so i could spend the day with my niece for her birthday. homegirl is way too materialistic and high maintenance to be so freakin' young. up until about the age of 4, whenever she would get new shoes, she would have to put them on the very second she saw them, wear them all day and sleep with them on her feet. and if you took them off while she was asleep, you'd pray you weren't the first person she laid eyes on when she woke up.

so, when she opened her bags of new clothes and shoes, a little part of me was hoping for the reaction of that 2, 3, and 4 year old little girl rather than a brief moment of excite. it made me realize she really is a big girl now. i still hold the title of 'favoritest tia', but i really miss the times where she would straddle my leg or play dead in front of the door to keep me from leaving her. she's growing up so fast and i'm missing so much of it now that i have this little life of my own. i never thought i'd see the day where my niece was actually willing to share me with another child. i got all kinds of attitude the first time she saw me holding and playing with my nephew when he was first born, and even more when i told her i was having my own baby and that it was a girl. and this weekend when i told her i was pregnant, instead arm-folding and eye-rolling, it was "ooh, tia! you having a baby?! can i help babysit when you have her? i know how to change diapers." what? who is this child? don't play with me; i'm too fragile for this shit. gawd, why do they have to grow up?

it was a really fun day. we took her along with my nephew and couple of her friends from school to the zoo. there was a really funny moment when Jay was taking the girls [and the boy] to the tropical bird house while i took a little break from all the walking. i went and sat on a bench nearby and about 5 seconds later my niece comes over to me, "tia, Jay trippin'. i ain't goin' in there with all them birds. for what? i don't even like birds. i'mma sit right here. where the monkeys at? we can go back to the monkeys but i am not goin' in there with them birds. they gon' try to get me." i laughed so hard, she was like "i don't know why you laughin'. i'm serious!"

it was also really great to see Jay with all the kids. he was getting some really great practice for all the babies he's wanting me to pop out. and there was one little girl who was so adorable. she had a crush on Jay and insisted that she sat by him and held his hand the whole time. but if little bit was 10 or 15 years older, we would've had some problems.

after the zoo and getting all the kids back to their parents, we went back to my mom's and i had to tell C that Jay and i wouldn't be there for her birthday party on saturday. she took it a lot better than i thought she would. she pouted for a bit, but when i told her we'd be passing through on sunday, she was okay and promised to save some birthday cake and a party bag for us. who is this child????


Jay planned a weekend of throwing away money for us in tunica. i really wasn't expecting that since neither of us are big gamblers. i mean, we'll put money on sports events here and there, but casinos? not really my thing. we did have a really good time, even with Jay freaking out about all the old people there. he had some great luck at the craps table with me as his lucky charm; he nearly tripled his money. i fared pretty well at poker but bombed at the blackjack table. i did okay at the roulette table and the slot machines. overall, i pretty much broke even, so i'm pretty fucking happy with that. i got some good sexy time, which is pretty much all i wanted anyhow. fuck me, feed me and maybe cuddle a little, i don't ask for much.....all the time.

the worst part is always the weekend coming to an end along with Jay having to travel all over the country the next few weeks. he's even scheduled to be in new york on the day of my next check up. even if he makes it home for that, he'd leave again to go to vegas for some conference. although, i just might be accompanying him on that particular trip. actually, i could be with him where ever he goes, i just don't like the idea of traveling on a plane while i'm pregnant. breathing in the same air for hours at a time, crappy food, shitty movies, shitty cushioning in the seats. bleh. i whine plenty when i'm not knocked up; it only gets worse when i am.

hmmmph. i really want some french fries and gravy now.

so, how was your weekend?

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

    she's having a baby

if you've been paying attention, you know today was the day that we're supposed to find out the baby's sex and blood work and yadda yadda yadda. now, my doctor is super awesome. i've never had a doctor be so fucking nice and actually care about me as a patient and a person. and the place itself is so nice, you really wouldn't know it's a place to get your giney all violated and speculated about. it's just too goddamn good to be true. however, there's this one nurse who i don't particularly care for because she'd been giving me dirty looks since my very first visit, but i never really thought much of it because i'd never dealt with her directly until today.

when homegirl came in and introduced herself and said she was doing my blood work and stuff, she had a stank aura all around her. it was pretty obvious bitch didn't wanna deal with me but i saw that bitch looking at my man and googly-eyed and shit. now, i know how difficult i can be, but i've never met this woman before today and she'd only seen me around the waiting area and receptionist's desk. plus, i've been a very good patient so there's no way she could've gotten any bad info from the other nurses around there. anyhoos, after the intro, Jay immediately got up from my left side [cause he was being all cute and sweet holding my hand and rubbing my belly] and told her that she'd need to draw from my left arm because she'd spend 10 minutes on my right arm looking for a vein that isn't there, and i'll get pissed and it'll turn into an unpretty situation.

tell me why as soon this bitch is done setting up, she comes over to my RIGHT SIDE and asks Jay to move and attempts to put a tourniquet on my RIGHT ARM??? see, that's why i get all disrespectful and loud-mouthed. bitch, you have been given clear directions and you're just gonna ignore that shit. now i gotta get all stank. so, i had to cuss her out and tell her to get somebody in the room to do her job correctly. and Jay just sat there shaking his head and said to her "I told you not to do that."

so, the really pretty asian nurse with really pretty long, jet black hair that i totally wanna steal from her did my all of my labs. i'm almost positive i know her from somewhere, but i just can't put my finger on it.

and y'all, i've gained about 10 pounds overall, and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i've got a cute little baby bump working here, but i know for a fact, that all that weight is in my ass and hips. Jay LOVES it; he tries to sabotage all of my hard work and make me eat foods he knows make my ass bigger [any desert loaded with sugar]. but what he fails to realize is once my ass reaches a certain size, all that weight starts to go elsewhere and then i've got a whole other set of issues to deal with.

oh, before i forget, i'm so not banned from Jay's work anymore and i've gotten all these phone calls from wives thanking me because they FIRED ol' girl for what she did. it looks like they were waiting for her to slip up so they could get rid of her without her being able to file suit against them. and i may have given a few wives [or 7] bitch's home address. mwahahahahaha.

i hope they fuck her shit up.

moving on to the sonogram. Z was a thumbsucker but it looks like we've got a toe sucker this time. and another girl. *happy dance* even though he never actually said it, and i know he's happy as long as the baby is happy and healthy, i think Jay was really hoping for a boy. it was just something about how intensely he was looking at monitor; i just know he was looking for a little penis. and there's something about my babies having their little legs spread eagle for everybody to see all of their little business. put it away. actually, i'm pretty glad there was a clear shot of the little giney cause i would've cried if we would've had to wait until my next visit to find out.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

    minor confliction

my niece's birthday party is this weekend. she'll be turning 7. and of course, she expects me to be there with gifts in tow, especially, "a pretty pink nintendo ds lite with lotsa new games and the pretty lil pink case to keep it safe when [she] drop[s] it" and "some hannah montana stuff".

now, she's still my baby [with an adult attitude] and i don't wanna miss her birthday. you know i'm her "favoritest tia ever" and that kid can hold a grudge like no other, so i don't wanna disappoint her. plus, there's gonna be one of those inflatable air jump moonwalk thingies. and birthday cake. who doesn't want birthday cake?

buuuttttt, Jay's being all cute and planned a little weekend trip for us since he's gonna be out of town a lot over the next few weeks [SO FUCKING IRRITATING!!] and it'll be nice to have some time alone without interruption from his sister or friends or work......which i've kinda been banned from because i have a problem with hitting and spitting and calling people "dicksweat". but in my defense, that ol' rotten pussy bitch started it when she molested my husband and i know where that whore lives so they can ban me all they want. i don't think they can really ban me though. can they? i mean, i only go to his actual office when i wanna get some afternoon delight which has been pretty frequently the past two weeks or so. but if we're having lunch or whatever, we just meet up somewhere. man, fuck them. they don't know me. fuck yo couch, nigga!

anyhoos, i've been weighing the pros and cons, and right now, the weekend away with Jay has the edge based on sex alone. i'm a horny little she-devil. as a matter of fact, typing this shit is cutting into my dicktime. however, homeboy still has a couple of days to fuck up my good mood and have me on the news for blowing up some shit.

so, did the mommies have a nice mother's day??? i didn't really enjoy it all that much. here's why: as a person cheated out of celebrating mother's day as a mom, i fucking hate that day. and until i actually am a mom, i will continue to hate mother's day. i think my siblings and i made it a good one for my mom. 4 out of 5 us live in different cities away from home, so it's kinda difficult to get all of us together at once when it's not thanksgiving or christmas. so, with her birthday being this month as well, we all planned this big week of nonstop for pampering her beginning mother's day with all of her brats waiting on her hand and foot. except me. my body's busy marinating a little baby over here. i ain't got time ol' girl's bullshit. i'm joking, but seriously, all i did was cook, vacuum, and take all the dogs out. besides that, all i did was nap. but yeah, we all decided to pay for her to have her own housekeeper, cook, driver, a spa day, and a man-bitch for the rest of the week. oh, she got some flowers and a card too. so, i kinda went over this month's budget buying gifts and shit. Jay's gonna be so mad at me but i don't really care. he's always bitching about money, but he actually spends a lot more than i do with his little toys and shit. the fuck do you a boat for when we go fishing once, maybe twice a year? ugh. i just wanna twist his ear off.

oh, happy times: i can actually feel the little one moving around in there now. Jay calls the baby "little deuce" because s/he's our second baby and he's convinced himself that if it's a boy, he'll be named after Jay. yeah, it helps him sleep at night. THAT motherfucker has been going in my bag and stealing my gum and it's really pissing me off because he won't stop! of course, i never really stay mad that long. at least, not mad at him. i really hate that.

ooh, i'm so stoked we find out the baby's sex on thursday. we still haven't decided on any names yet which is kinda stressing me out. i feel like i should already know this stuff. but if i remember correctly, i was around 5 months when Jay and i decided on Zoe's name so i've got a few more weeks before i go into panic mode. i think i'm putting it off because it requires me to think and that just makes my head hurt. i mean, first names i can do, but that has to mesh with middle name which has to flow with the last name. all that shit requires concentration and i'd much rather be getting some penetration. mmkay? kay.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

    i should probably start meditating or something

today, this bitch hoebag of a skank glorified secretary at Jay's work grabbed his junk WHILE I WAS ON THE FUCKING PHONE WITH HIM. i explicitly heard this shit go down as it happened. i'm talking real-time shit here, people!

"Here's a copy of the paperwork from mergers and acquisitions. Jimmy's canceled the afternoon meeting. Is there anything else before i--"


and then he dropped the phone and i heard him going off on her and then he came back to the phone and told me what happened and i wanna kill that bitch with my bare hands, revive that bitch, and kill that bitch again. and thanks to whitepages.com, i'm one step closer to achieving my goal. i don't wanna show up at his job tomorrow and threaten this hoe with a smile on my face. nuh uh. she fucked with the right one. i just wanna go bash her skull in. that's all. if i don't kill her, i wanna put her ass in the hospital for a week minimum. i don't really have that much of a problem with going to jail for defending what's mine.

and the thing is, i knew this shit was gonna happen. given the way she fucks her way up, down, and around that company, i knew it was only a matter of time before she tried something with my man. and the bitch is always up in my face smiling and shit like she's my friend when her nasty breath reeks of herpes and chlamydia. bitch, don't nobody want your nasty ass banana bread.

i'm not gonna lie, i was kinda mad at Jay too. yes, i blame the victim. what the fuck are you sitting on the edge your desk with your shit just out there for anybody to reach in and cop a feel. you have a goddamn chair behind your goddamn desk where bitches can't be grabbing your junk all willy nilly. use it!

oh, i wanna kill her. somebody go kill her for meeeeee. the little person sitting in my uterus won't let me go bust her skull open with a tire iron.

gawd. am i the only person in the world who thinks those indiana jones movies are way overrated?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

    can we talk?

i miss starbucks. and mountain dew. ESPECIALLY mountain dew. i can't even enjoy a bag of flamin hot cheetos anymore.

oh, i miss alcohol too. we had a little cinco de mayo fiesta and i bought all the liquor and made all the drinks and i couldn't even take a sip. fuckery, i tell you! fuckery! i keed. i keed. i had all kinds of fun getting other people drunk.

but i do miss my caffeine.

i've got a nice little baby pudge going on here, but, today, i think i look more chunky than pregnant. still no morning sickness, but i've been feeling nauseous and i've not had much of an appetite today. although, i've been craving french fries and gravy and chocolate milk. i don't even like chocolate milk.

i'm pretty sure i'm having a girl. i don't know why, i just have this feeling. gawd, i can't wait to find out for sure. 9 more days, people. 9 more days.

apparently, my old fetal heart monitor is a piece of crap because it would never pick up the baby's heartbeat or it would be really faint. so, i ordered a new one from amazon last week and it arrived today. so, needless to say, i've been crying all day and it's my new best friend. i called Jay at work to let him listen and he was so excited and cute. and then got mad at me for not waiting until he got home from work to listen. psh. whatever. he should be home soon and he's gonna bug the crap outta me all night.

oh oh oh oh! do any of you watch this show??? and i purposely didn't name the show to make you click the link because you HAVE to watch the first 2 episode clips.

don't worry.
i'll wait.

[blogger was being gay and wouldn't let me embed them myself]

mmkay, did you watch?

yeah, that is so my husband. maybe not that extreme, but oh yes, deion sanders and my husband are kindred spirits; except i'm not going for all that shit pilar does. she's so pretty, but hell to the N-O! i don't give a fuck how much money you make and who pays the bills, your stank ass is making that goddamn bed. and i wish a muthafucka would ask me to stop what i'm doing to bring him some tea. the fuck you mean? i might bring it to you when i'm done, but you'll die of thirst waiting for me to bring you some tea when you've got perfectly capable arms and legs. and that scooter? Jay so wanted to get one of those things some time last year but i convinced him not to, but you best believe that will be his first major purchase after we buy a new house so he can fuck up my finely swiffered and waxed floors. thank you, deion. thank. you.

we've found 3 new houses to check out. i'm hoping one of the first 2 will be "it", because the third one is perfect but i couldn't imagine paying what they're asking. even if we get the sellers to go down on the price, half of what they're asking is a bit much. so, it's likely that we'll change the location in which we're looking if none of those work out. have i mentioned how much i hate this whole process? well, i do.


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Thursday, May 01, 2008

    one not on the list

hey there. hi there. hello there.

this week has been ridiculous. between my husband being a douche, cussing out dumb bitches at the gas station, and trying to find a home to raise my kids in, i'm fucking exhausted.

you'll all be happy to know that Jay and i finally made up. he told me he'd never been that mad at me as long as we've known each other and he didn't really know how to deal with me, so that's why he pretty much neglected me for 2 1/2 days. i think he just really wanted to fuck and he knew the only way that would happen is if he admitted to being an asshole and begged for forgiveness. it is really weird not being able to kiss him though.

yesterday was errand day. paid all the bills, went grocery shopping [damn near 4 bucks for a gallon of milk!!!], took clothes to the cleaners, and bought a new vacuum because the old one blew up. literally. sometime during all my errand-running, i stopped to fill up the truck [$107!!!!!!]. the station was a bit busy but everyone was moving in and out fairly quickly so there wasn't a really long wait for a pump. after filling up, i got in the truck and my phone rang, so naturally, i answered it. it was my mom calling to update me on my granddad's surgery [all that bacon grease finally caught up with him but all is well]. so, instead of talking on the phone and driving, i just stayed there talking to my mom. then, some lady behind me starts honking his horn.

oh hell no.

so, i stuck my hand out the window and gave her the finger and kept on talking. i guess the old wench wasn't too happy about that, so she started yelling for me to "move [my] fucking car." so i yelled back, "bitch, you should've left home earlier and got here sooner." then she pulled up to my rear bumper as if her little trinket was gonna do some serious damage to my gas-guzzling SUV. i don't think so, darlin. so, just to piss her off even more, i got out and started wiping the windshield v e r y s l o w l y. well, there were bugs on it the blades couldn't reach. so, she caved and pulled over to a different pump. i win.

the whole house-hunting deal discourages me. we'd found 3 new houses to check out. the first 2 were actually decent but they weren't corner lots and i didn't like how close the neighboring houses were and they had pine trees. i hate pine trees. the 3rd house was perfect. it had almost everything we were looking for and what it lacked were things we could add on later. we were gonna look over our finances this weekend to make sure we could afford it and place a bid on it next week, but the couple decided to pull it off the market for whatever reason. ugh. that should've been my house! I WAS ROBBED!!!


i'm feeling very anxious today. i still haven't felt the baby move yet, we have 2 more weeks until my next doctor's visit to find out if it's a boy or a girl, and i've come to the realization that i'm absolutely terrified of having another baby. 40 weeks of pregnancy i can do. labor & delivery is a whole other issue. actually, it's not even the labor. it's having to go through all of those weeks of anticipation, all the stages of labor, get to that moment every mother-to-be lives for only to have the doctor look you in the eye and tell you your baby is dead and there's nothing you can do about it.

when i was in labor with Z, everything went relatively smoothly for me. i was way calmer than i thought i would be. i didn't have an epidural because i thought it would be very selfish and i wanted to be able to fully experience the birth of my baby girl. every time a nurse would come in to check on me, they would be trying to roll me over and i was like "the fuck are you doing?" and they'd say "oh, i'm just checking your epidural" and when i'd tell them i didn't have one, they'd think i was so drugged that i didn't know what i was talking about and insist even more that i turn over to let them "take a peek". so, a few nurses left that hospital with their feelings extremely hurt that day/night. [and later on, i disputed the hospital the hospital bill because there was no fucking way i was paying for "services" i didn't even need. you can't charge somebody for having an epidural check when they didn't having a fucking epidural!] the only time i was really unbearable was when i was having contractions. i would scream and cuss and tell everyone i hated them and make them leave the room. when the contraction was over i would cry because everyone left me alone. in between, i was shuffling around the room, cracking jokes, and trying to bribe people to bring me food because those goddamn ice chips were not cutting it. and after finally getting to meet my little mama and taking her home, the first thing i was gonna do was drink a 2 liter mountain dew.

since that didn't work out quite as planned, i'm scarred for life. traumatized! i really don't know if i wanna do a natural birth when october rolls around. i couldn't handle reliving that day all over again. i would rather have a thousand cesarean scars if it meant that my baby would be born alive and well and not a hair harmed on his/her head. i know that's a long time from now but i think about everything past, present, and future with this pregnancy and compare/contrast it to everything that happened when i was carrying Z.

that doesn't make me crazy, right?

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