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Monday, October 30, 2006

    i like pancakes

my sister emailed me this shit and i couldn't delete it without posting it here and adding my own commentary.
please excuse the bad grammar. you know some negroes just can't be helped.

1) Use words and phrases like "damn right", "stout", "junt", "she goin", "kinfolk", "killa fie head", "gettin cap", "checkin'","Yeah, Yeah!!", "gettin skully", "chiefin", "fie", and end sentences wit "foo", "BRUH" & "manne" and end roasts wit "lookin ass nicca" [unfortunately, this is true. and i've said or still say about 90% of those words.]

2) Loose our damn minds at the party when Triple Six, Project Pat,or Yo Gotti come on and huddle up with everyone else from MEMPHIS and sing THE WHOLE SONG. ["if you ain't my from my hood you can get from 'round herre"; seriously, get the fuck outta the way if "tear da club up" starts playing. those niggas take that shit seriously.]

3) use 2 airbrush every damn thang for big events [that's just tacky. i never did that.]

4) Kno how Mall of Memphis lives in the heart of everyone...and how we don' made the Hickory(hood)Ridge Mall da spot [sorry, i'm from the suburbs. i shop[ped] at wolfchase.]

5) Kno all da old Three 6 Mafia, Project Pat and Eighball/MJG neva gets old(remember them tapes with the typed stickers on em) and still call them "Triple 6." [again, true.]

6) Got a whole "Play" family which includes: 2 Play brothaz that you always kick it with, 1 play sista u can depend on, 2 or 3 Play mamaz that are allowed to whoop yo azz... [...to some extent, true]

7) Rockin all da newest/and old J'z.....ya Icey white 1's...when when da weather right-- a nice pair of polo boots [again, i'm from the burbs. i wear flip flops, saucony, and adidas. that's about it]

8) Rock Girbaud pants w/ velcro straps and the matching shirts. [um, yeah that's for the people who can't afford prada, gucci, armani, etc....]

9) Kno that Terrance Howard's accent in "Hustle and Flow" was extremely exagerrated! [i hated that movie because of that]

10) Kno da females that "goin" in er skool in Memphis [translation: females from the inner city tend to be more promiscuous than those who live in the county areas.]

11) Know somebody's uncle or cousin who bootleg Cdz...and DVDz [i plead the 5th]

12) Made Long Johns shirts into everyday wear..in all da different colors [sorry, i'm not poor.]

13) Remember Stan Bell doin' the Roll Call on K97 every evening at 6:30 and was crunk when someone from ya hood or town was on there ("Now that sounds cool, and that may be, so where u callin from, what's yo set homie?"). [oh, how i miss that.]

14) Remember when everybody just HAD to go to the Majestic on friday and saturday nights.....[again, i'm a little mixed girl who grew up with white people. i don't deal with niggas enough to know anything about that.]

15) Used to watch Underground TV and could always count of seein people you kno tryna do it in da rap game..(Dat's how Yo Gotti started) [see previous comment]

16) say "YEAH YEAH..hoe" afta everythang instead of clappin' [ok, so, i got negro tendencies.]

17) can count the handful of dudes that dont have and have neva had a grill. [yeah, black people with grills scare me.]

18) rockin New Balances now...and used to rock Saucony's (ya'll remember them from like '00) [i don't really understand this one. ]

19) Had a CITYWIDE Senior skip day...(LOL) [that's a fucking lie. senior skip day was the friday before prom and not every school had their prom on the same night. idiots.]

20) Made our own damn "Memphis Walk" [actually, it's called the "gangsta walk".]

21) Hit up da Shell, Martini Room, and the Premiere religiously [i'm pretty sure 2 out 3 of those clubs are closed now but that's besides the point. don't ever go to the premiere unless you're prepared to fight and/or get shot and/or get shot at. i'm just sayin'...... it's not safe.]

22) remember when EAST END skating rink was da place to be..(Skate Odessey is for da new skool youngins) [one word: suburbs]

23) Kno niggaz that skipped skool to go get da new J's. [translation: there were some ignorant motherfuckers who missed school to go buy Jordan's the day they were released.]

24) used 2 go 2 Peabody Place er weekend when it was first built cuz we thought we was grown cuz we was downtown... [yeah, i used to hang out downtown and get fingerbanged by whomever was boyfriend that weekend. maybe that's why everyone thought i was a slut in high school. sorry, J...... i hope my daughter never reads this.]

25) Remember the Memphis CHAT line...used to sneak on da phone when ya mama went to sleep so you could get on therre to fie folks up. [um, i have no idea what the fuck this person is trying to say.]

26) Know we used to couldnt be ova in da hall way with out it bein "Cap Time"..lol [see previous comment. i know it has something to do with blowjobs, but that's about it. wtf is "used to couldn't be"? speak english, bitch! ]

27) Can look ata female by da mouf and tell that "SHE GOIN" [translation: if you have full lips, as i do, it automatically means you're easy and a cock sucker.]

28) Used to say "slick" before erthang.. ex: Damn I'm slick hungry as hell" [i'm almost ashamed to admit this is true and that i used to say it]

29) Know erbody in Memphis is: a producer, rapper, and gotta CD comin out next month. [translation: those niggas ain't got a real job with real, steady income so they all claim to be rappers and/or producers because it's "cool".]

30) Have the CRUNKEST Mayor in America!..."Get the Hell outta my office!!" [good ol' willie herenton, who also happens to be a drug trafficker and addicted to coke. yay for memphis politicians!

i don't even know why i did this.
only one black person, other than my sister, actually reads my blog so i know all the white people are sitting at their little desks like 'what? i don't get it. what does it mean?'
yeah, i totally snorted when i laughed.
oh wells.
i'm gonna go give J some killa fie head.



i've just spent the entire day writing stupid papers.
i didn't have too much trouble getting through the first two, but the last one was a bitch.
it's like my brain went into a coma.
i bs'ed my through it though.
go me.
quantity over quality should get me at least a C.
that shit totally ruined my day.
i've had to force myself to not take breaks for time with baby girl and J.
it was really hard because i'm so in love with this baby [and J too], especially since she's become quite the little wiggle worm over the past two days.
all i wanted do was sit/lay in bed and feel her moving around and listen to her little heartbeat.
it's so much more exciting and fulfilling than writing boring ass papers on shit i have very little interest in.

J's face has pretty much become a permanent fixture to my continuously expanding belly.
on the one hand, it makes my innards all warm and fuzzy to know how much he loves baby girl and wants to be there for every little move she makes.
but i loverz him.
i've got this rash on my stomach because he's always rubbing his face with that stubble nastiness on me.
maybe if he'd shave, i wouldn't smack and cuss at him as much.
he's lucky he's hot.
my mom told me baby girl is gonna look exactly like him because i'm so mean and hateful towards him now, but she underestimates how truly fucking annoying J is.
and she likes him more than she likes me so i'm really not surprised she'd say some shit like that.

i'm horny.
i'm always horny.
i've noticed since i've become a bit more rotund that i cum a lot faster and harder than before.
that's definitely a plus [time a million trillion].
i'm slightly demented so i think baby girl is in there peeking through my cervix and sees daddy's peen coming at her full force every time we have sex.
hell, i don't even swallow when i give the man blowjobs now.
he HATES it and has tried to bribe me to swallow, but i can't do it.
i won't do it.
it just seems so incestuous.

why is it so difficult to find a middle name that meshes well with the first and last name?
i'm almost at the point to where i don't even want her to have a middle name because none of the ones i like sound right with her first name; but not so much her last name because it's so generic.
if she were to have my last name, i'd probably have an aneurysm by now.
and this was supposed to be the fun part.

some taco bell and a strawberry shake from dq sounds really good right now.

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Sunday, October 29, 2006


why is it that whenever i plan a weekend to do important stuff, i never actually do it?

saturday, i was supposed to:
wake up early for some kinky, morning sex
make a big healthy breakfast for me and baby girl, and maybe J
go get paint for baby girl's room
get baby girl's room clean and shiny and doggy-toy free
take a nap
start and finish paper #1
eat a bag of ranch doritos and hot sauce while watching the tennessee/south carolina game,
throw up [doritos make me sick for some reason]
eat ice cream [cause baby girl loves the ice cream]
take another nap
sex again
start on paper #2
and finally crash.

what i did:
woke up at 7am, planned to have sex but was too annoyed with J's drunk ass poking me in the stomach with his morning wood, so i smacked the shit out of him and pretended to be asleep when he woke up cause i'm mature like that
laid in bed for about an hour listening to baby girl swish around and checking her little heart rate
bitched at J for being hungover and poking my baby with his peen
made him go to chick-fil-a for a chicken biscuit and mrs. winner's for a super cinnamon swirl and a gallon of sweet tea.
ate greasy, artery clogging, but tasty breakfast
threw up
went to sleep for two hours
kicked the shit out of that stupid dog for chewing up my ear buds.
played some panic! for baby girl
cried for an hour cause i'm fat and have to wear my ''big bertha'' jeans now
got some pity sex
had another nap
woke up and ate four slices of meat lovers pizza, a big bag spicy doritos with my homemade salsa and sour cream, and canned pineapples with whipped cream
yelled "FUCK STEVE SPURRIER!!" at the tv a few times
threw up again [it's the doriots, man]
cried cause i hate the smell of vomit
made J give me a backrub
cried cause my boobs were leaking again
smacked the shit out of J for having bionic sperm and knocking me up
remembered i was supposed to go to the hysterectomy conference for class, but only after it had already ended
went to walmart for strawberries and blueberries; bought a pumpkin and a carving kit
ate blueberries and strawberries and attempted to carve the pumpkin, but threw up yet again cause baby girl does not like the smell of pumpkin innards
told J to go fuck himself cause he smacked my ass and called me "hot mama"
had some slightly angry sex
crashed for the night


today, i was supposed to spend all day working on all 3 papers since i didn't do it yesterday

what i did:
spent pretty much all day in bed eating
listening to baby girl wiggle around
and watching football

if i don't graduate in december, this weekend of non-productivity is why.


i could spend the next few hours bs-ing my way through paper #1, but i'd rather lay in bed and watch those hostile bitches on the flavor of love reunion show.
i could do them all tomorrow cause i never do anything on mondays, except from 11:30-12:30 when i cannot be disturbed cause the young and the restless is on.


i get a lot of hits from people googling for images of vaseline, vanity 6, and some lingerie from frederick's.
i don't like it.
and i wish those assholes would stop it.
what the fuck are you googling vaseline for anyway?

that reminds me, i fucking hate tyra banks for giving away free vaseline on her show and acting like it was a big fucking deal.
i hate that bitch.
fuck tyra.
fuck tyra.
and somebody needs to tell that bitch to stop wearing sleeveless shirts cause i'm sick of looking at her armpit vagina.


i also hate all of those soon-to-be mommy books.
the 4th month of pregnancy is not the easiest.
i am just as unstable now as i was 6 weeks ago.
goddamn liars.


i heart robin thicke.


why hasn't paris hilton been shot dead yet?


Thursday, October 26, 2006

    it's raining, it's pouring

it's not really pouring, but it is raining.
drizzle drizzle.
and it's cold.
i don't like it.

i think baby girl likes her daddy more than me.
i don't feel her moving around that often, but when i do, it's only when he's all up in my face.
i still love her little butterfly kisses nonetheless.

i don't think i pee as much now as i was before.
i was going like 20 times a day.
about half of that now.
but i drool a lot when i sleep now.
that's really weird.
i have to change my pillowcases every day now.

i think i've started to get heartburn and/or indigestion from all the spicy foods i eat.
i'm not really sure though cause i don't know what heartburn and indigestion feel like.

my belly has gotten bigger.
during my talk with baby girl this morning, i had to tell her it's not her i'm yelling and crying at, it's her daddy and the fat.
that man has just about worked my last nerve, but he's got nice dick.
it's the fat i really hate.
i think i'd cope better if the weight was at an even distribution instead of going straight to my stomach and ass.
the moment my thighs start rubbing together, somebody's losing a limb.

i cannot wait for saw 3.
i'm foregoing halloween festivities due to classes and not finding a costume i like, so J and i are gonna go see the movie on halloween night instead.

i'm starting to stress over my last prenatal test results.
i haven't heard anything back from the doctor yet.
she said it'd take like two weeks to get them back, but not knowing stuff makes me nervous.

because i know you care:
we've picked out baby girl's first name, but not her middle name yet.
it's kinda hard to find one that fits with the first and last name.
the nursery is gonna be pink and black.
her name is kinda edgy so her room has to match her edginess.
shut up.
this weekend we're gonna start moving all of our stuff out of there, get paint, and order the furniture.
the actual painting of the room won't actually start until next week.
i have 3 fifteen page papers to write this weekend and i have no idea what i'm writing about.
i'm such a slacker.

i bought something i said i'd never be caught dead in.
they're so fucking ugly but unbelievably comfortable.
J hates them and tried to put them in the trash compacter.
i had to agree to not touch his stupid birkenstocks again to spare them.
it was actually worth it.

game 4 is on.
go cards.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

    slightly neurotic

i've grown up too fast.
i wanna be happy and content.
but i'll take being that bitch, whore, cunt, downright crazy ass knife-carrying motherfucker you always talk about.
bitches hate me cause they ain't me.
and i fucking love it.
i only believe in fate and destiny when it's on my side.
i have no qualms with admitting my faults.
i'm judgemental and typically don't like anyone even before i meet them.
i like talking shit.
and i can kick your ass, verbally or physically; choose wisely.
i have no desire to impress people.
my insecurities are a result of my many psychopathies, all of which stem from being violated, disregarded, emotionally abandoned by and detached from those i care[d] for the most.
i'm most stable and comfortable during the low periods.
i'd rather be alone but i'm too clingy for that shit.
everything i'm afraid of has some lack of control factor involved, or so i've been told.

it still makes me more awesome than you'll ever be.

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    so much for my happy ending

why does the father of my unborn baby have to be such an asshole?
even though we've stopped arguing about petty bullshit all the time, it's just been substituted for bullshit with his family.
what really makes me angry about it is how J always managed to flip the script to make me the bad guy. i'm always overreacting and being unfair or irrational.

today, i talked to J's mom and she was telling me about how she's gonna make one of their extra bedrooms in their house a room for the baby so that when she was there for weekend visits or whatever, she'd have her own little room. she has been really excited about this baby and being a grandma so i didn't wanna ruin her little moment by telling her there was no way in hell i'd ever let my baby stay in that house because i don't trust her husband.
so, i told J i felt really bad because our baby was gonna miss out on having weekends with her grandparents and getting spoiled rotten because his dad is an asshole and doesn't want our baby to be a part of his family.

he pretty much wrote me off and he was like "he'll get over it once she's born and sees how precious and beautiful she is.'
and i'm like 'dude are you really that naive?'
i told him i would never allow my baby to occupy the same space as his dad. i don't know what he's capable of doing to her. why on earth would i leave my child to stay in that man's home when he hates her very existence?
so he went off about her being his baby too and he has just as much say-so as i do and he was hurt that insinuated his dad would actually hurt our child and yadda yadda yadda.

he can say whatever he wants, i'm not ever letting that man near my child. and that's that. i'm not having that discussion again.
but i think i made the situation worse when i told him he should be thankful i'm letting the baby have his last name because i initially wasn't going to.
i really don't care to have my baby share the last name of people who've done nothing but insult me and my family since the day they met me and hate the little baby who hasn't even been born yet.

i'm tired.
literally and figuratively.
it would be nice to have a day where i don't feel like the life has been sucked out of me. i have no energy. i don't know if it's from the cold, the baby, being hormonal, and crying all the time, having this nasty ass cold, or having stupid arguments with J all the time because i'm always wrong and he's always right.

i would really love to just sit back and enjoy being pregnant without having to fight with people about my baby and her well-being, without having to defend everything i say and do, and without being made out to be this horrible monster because i want to protect my baby girl from the shit i've had to deal with since i've known J. i don't wanna spend the rest of my life fighting over this shit. i'm sick of it.

i'm even more fed up with J and his unwillingness to see any of this from my perspective. he acts like i have no reason whatsoever to feel the way i do about his dad. maybe he heard something completely different than i, but not wanting my baby around someone who basically called her a disgrace to his family and suggested she be aborted doesn't seem irrational at all. how is he not offended and upset by that?!

i'm so disgusted right now.

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

    happy happy. joy joy

i need a little help from y'all.
i have a severe dislike for mommy bloggers and i really don't wanna become one of them.
so, when you notice my babbling about being pregnant and my baby girl be more awesome than you getting out of control, please stop me.
you have to be nice about it cause i'll cuss you out if you're not, but something like "hey, cool it with the baby talk" will do.
but you're not free to do so until the next post.

i felt her move for the first and second time last night!
and again this morning!

J had just got home and we were snuggling on the couch.
he started rubbing my stomach as usual and telling me how much he missed me.
and i guess baby girl missed her daddy as much as i did.
while we were kissing, i felt this quick little flutter i've been waiting on for a couple of weeks now.
so, i pushed J's face back and grabbed his hand and put it back on my stomach, and she moved again!
it literally took his breath away.
he got all teary eyed and was like, ''hi, baby girl. we've been waiting to hear from you.''
it was so adorable.

and that little flutter was one of the greatest moments of my life.
there are no words to describe it.
it was just amazing.
for the next hour or so J and i laid completely still and quiet waiting for her to move again.
of course, she's stubborn just like me, so i didn't feel her move again the rest of the night.
but this morning, while we were in bed spooning, i felt the little flutter again.
i haven't felt anything since then, but i'll take what i can get.
i've been smiling and crying happy tears all day.
it's like finally getting to feel her move around makes this all feel a bit more real.
i'm having a baby, y'all!
i'm so excited.
and scared.
i don't know what the hell i'm doing.
but i'm happy.
i'm really glad J was here to feel her move around; if he had missed it, i'd have made his life miserable for a long time.

that's all i've got for now.
baby girl says it's time for some more pizza and doritos.


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Saturday, October 21, 2006

    i don't drink bacardi

i'm so tired.
the latter part of this week has been really hectic.
most of yesterday was spent on campus for homecoming festivities.
i didn't really wanna be a part of it cause i pretty much have no school spirit, but J made me.

last night was the ludacris/common show.
i had a pretty damn good time shaking my money maker.
i didn't like that girl shareefa cause her name is ugly.
J doing the katt williams dance* was hilarious.
he's so silly.
we hadn't really had a night out like that in a while.
it was fun.
i didn't really like how all the black girls were all in love with him and wanted to dance with him.
and his simple ass thought the shit was cute.
i was SO ready to mace those hoes, but i didn't.
cause it's not nice.
so we came home and i fucked the shit out of him.
i own him.

i wanted to stay in bed with him all day but he had to leave early this morning for knoxville.
and he took the dvd of the sonogram with him to show his mom.
she's really excited about this baby.
that makes me happy.
it does suck that our baby girl is probably gonna grow up without ever really knowing most of his side of the family though.
not knowing my dad's family never really bothered me just because i'm so detached from my dad; but i always hoped my kids would never have to deal with that kind of shit.
i'm gonna kill J if anything happens to that sonogram.
my mom is gonna be so pissed when she finds out his mom got to see it before she does.
i'll just avoid talking to her for a few days.

anyhoos, this morning, my friend K, my goddaughter and i went to the homecoming parade, which the kid just loved.
she's not too bright though.
she kept on eating the confetti.
one time i tried to get some of it out of her mouth, that little wench bit me.
and laughed.
if she wasn't so cute, i'd have bit her little ass back.
later was the homecoming game where we got our asses handed to us.
so surprising. /sarcasm
but i still had fun hanging out with the frienemies and my goddaughter.
i was kinda sad cause i didn't really get to talk to J all day and i missed his annoying ass.
i was gonna go party with the frienemies tonight but i don't really feel safe going out without J.
so i came home and made the dog chew up J's birkenstocks and watched game 1 of the world series [GO CARDS!!!] by myself.

that sounds really pitiful.
but i don't care.
i'm having a baby now.
i'd rather be home eating ice cream and talking to my belly than be surrounded by a bunch of stupid, immature 20 year olds.
i think that means i'm growing up.

i'm super sleepy.
i'm trying to stay awake cause my hunny's on his way home.
did i mention how much i've missed him today?
i have.
THIS[x a million] much.

*click it and move the ticker to around 28:30.


Friday, October 20, 2006


i have a terrible headache.
and a nasty, stuffy nose.
with a nasty, phlegmy cough.
i don't think 'phlegmy' is a word, but it is now.
my temp is stable at 100, so hopefully it'll stay that way.
i learned in A&P that fevers are good cause it means your body's fighting off pathogens &/or infection(s).
morning sickness still hasn't gone away.
back pain is starting to get a little uncomfortable.
it's not fun.
but you know what is?

the cards going to the world series.

and knowing i'm having a BABY GIRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

she has the most adorable little arms and legs and fingers and toes.
and she's a thumb sucker!
it looks like she's gonna have her daddy's nose and my lips.
she's a little hooch, too.
for most of the sonogram she just chilled with her little thumb in her mouth and legs spread wide open for the camera.
just like her mommy.
i was crying the whole time, but then i saw her little hoohoo and i yelled "J! LOOK! IT'S A GINEY!!!!"
and he cried and said "oh my god, i'm having a little girl?!"
it was so cute.
i almost peed on the table from the excitement.
and the whole sonogram was recorded on a dvd so i get to watch it over and over and over and eventually add it to the baby scrapbook.

the ob/gyn said everything was fine and she's healthy and has a strong heartbeat, but kinda small so i have to "gain a little more weight", as if gaining 7 pounds in three weeks wasn't traumatic enough.
and i had to give more blood for another prenatal test.
maternal serum alpha fetoprotein(?) test, i think.
it's supposed to be safer than doing an amniocentesis to rule out any chromosomal abnormalities, spina bifida, etc.
somebody google it.

we should get the results back in about 2 weeks so cross your fingers for me, please with cheese. :)


so, when did target become so awesome?
i would've never thought to go that store for baby stuff until my mom told me.
and i'm pretty sure i came a little the moment i stepped into the baby section.
there's so much shit to buy.
bassinets, cribs, bedding, changing tables, drawers, hampers, diaper genies, strollers, car seats.
it's insane.
babies are high maintenance little people.
we didn't buy the major stuff though cause i haven't decided on the nursery colors yet.
i'm thinking of going with pale pink and pale yellow [girly, but not too girly] or pink and black [cause i like pink and black together].

i did get a fetal heart monitor and a body pillow which i'm loving already.
the pillow is gonna be my cuddle buddy this weekend since J's abandoning me and our baby girl for football.

i'll be fine during the day cause i have plans with a couple of friends, i just hate sleeping alone at night.
i'm probably just gonna throw a tantrum and guilt him into staying home with me.
i'm nice like that.


have a nice weekend, kids.
don't drink and drive.
say 'no' to expensive drugs.
use a condom when sleeping with $2 whores.

yeah, that's all i got.


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

    tuesday tidbits

i really want it to be thursday.
why do i like mayonnaise so much now?
it's so fucking gross.
but i love it.
the kid at subway knows it too.
and i only had to yell at him three times for him to know it.
J's finally accepted the fact that me being pregnant is really just me having PMS for 9 months.
give me chocolate, greasy foods, leave me the fuck alone and we won't have that many problems.
i wish i had a little zapper so i could zap his stank ass everytime he touched my stomach without my permission.
it's so goddamn annoying.
i think the real reason i don't like it is because the attention isn't directly on me.
cause let's face it, i'm an attention whore when it comes to J.
i don't like not being the center of his universe.
i think i might be getting a cold.
i'm not really sure cause since i quit smoking, i cough a lot; and supposedly the stuffy nose is common during pregnancy.
but the weather here is so stupid, that may have something to do with it too.

sunday it was cool; i think 60 was the high.
yesterday, it was cool and it rained ALL FUCKING DAY.
today, it's a nice temp [75] but still cloudy. not raining but still icky looking.
tomorrow, it's gonna be warmer, around 85, but then it's gonna rain tomorrow night.
thursday? a high of 64 with a 60% chance of rain. fuck fuck fuck.
friday...still cool but no rain.

the south sucks dirty donkey ass.
this weekend is gonna suck dirty donkey ass too.
i'm gonna be home by myself while J's in knoxville for the stupid tennessee/alabama game.
i'd go but i pretty much hate everything about knoxville, including his family.
i don't love them hoes.
i'm sure the feeling's mutual.
i wish i could be a fly on the wall when he tells his grandma he's having a baby with "that nigger girl".
she'll definitely write him out of her will if she hasn't already.
i understand people not liking me because i'm a callous, conceited, rich bitch.
if i were you, i'd hate me too.
but i've never understood how people could dislike me just because i'm [half] black.
it really boggles my mind.
i'm hungry.
i'm always hungry.
i eat like every two hours; and when i don't, i get sick.
it kinda sucks.
i'm gonna be so fucking fat.
and to the [canadian] person who just googled "simply complicated ver 2" to get here:
i don't like you.
cause you're a lurker.
and i don't like lurkers.
you should go die. :)


Monday, October 16, 2006

    you can't name no nigga baby "blanket"

J and i went to see "the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning" last night.
now, correct me if i'm wrong, but weren't they pushing that movie as a prequel?
you know, it was supposed to be about shit that happened with that fucked up ass family before the murders.

well that's what i went into themovie theater thinking.
and sure enough, that's how it started.
i'd say a good 15 minutes worth of little leatherface [and the fam] before he became a psychopathic chainsaw-slinging cannibal.
but then, it went to the shit that we already knew was gonna happen because of the original and the remake of TCM.

so, we're sitting there and they show the 4 kids in the jeep/van thingy. and me being the loudmouth bitch i am, i go "uh uh, hell no. they just fastforwarded the movie! i don't wanna see this shit! i know what's gonna happen. these dumb motherfuckers are gonna get chased around and chopped up. and leatherface is gonna be all on the dirt road dancing with the chainsaw at the end."

and J's punk ass and some other people shushed me.
oh no.
i'm a grown ass woman.
you do not shush me.

after yelling at J and half of the theater, i was not-so-politely asked to leave.
i didn't really care though, cause for one, i didn't pay.
secondly, i had to pee and i refuse to go near a public toilet.
and most importantly, there was a lovely pint of ben and jerry's half baked ice cream [vanilla and chocolate ice cream with brownies and chocolate chip cookie dough. SOOO fucking good.] and a new can of whipped cream at home waiting for me and my baby to dig into.
it was grrrrreat.

and i got some dick again too.
be jealous.


my nips haven't leaked today.
yay--*happy clap*.
it's not really a massive amount when there is leakage, just a few drops, but i'm a little melodramatic so, for me, it's like an entire gallon of milk spewing outta each nipple.
and i don't like it.


is it just me or are there entirely too many baby toys commercials on tv?
fisher price needs to go suck a fat one.
whenever i see one their commercials, i start foaming at the mouth- my baby's is getting all of that shit.
oh, and is that commercial with spiderman singing the itsy bitsy spider not the gayest thing ever?
yeah, my kid's not getting that shit.
cause it ain't fisher price.
and it's GAY.
i love the fags, but there's some shit i cannot and will not tolerate.
spiderman rocking out to the itsy spider is one of them.


am i really gonna get hemorrhoids?
i mean, if i start eating raisin bran and taking fiber pills everyday from now until the baby's here, will that prevent it?
i can't have a nasty-looking asshole and do it doggy style.
baby jesus and J and i will weep for days.

i'm too fucking superficial for pregnancy.
i don't wanna gain over 30 pounds; i can't have stretchmarks; i don't want a loose giney; i'm going on a killing spree if i get hemorrhoids.
if you know i have hemorrhoids, you must die.
that includes people reading this shit everyday.
i know who you are.
and i'll find out where you live.
i have connections.


i'm getting a headache just thinking about the possibility of me actually having hemorrhoids.
i need some food and another nap.

for your listening and viewing pleasure:

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

    current mood: elated

my giney hurts.
but in a very good way.
i got some dick several times last night.
and this morning.
'twas amazing.
see what sex does for me?
i feel so much better now.
my face hurts cause i've been smiling so much.
sucking on the peen may have something to do with it too.
so yeah, you have to disregard my last few posts.
i hadn't had sex in a few days and the hormones are still out of wack.

minus the leakage i've been experiencing, my boobs look really great.
they're so full and perky.
i've still not fully embraced the baby bump, but i'm working on it.
i cannot wait for it to be thursday so we can find out if it's a boy or girl.
i still haven't felt him/her move yet; i'm starting to get a little impatient.
i tried to bribe him/her with ice cream, tons of chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and sprinkles, but it didn't work.
stubborn baby.
that's a funny-sounding word.
maybe it's just my oh-so-southern accent.

did you know they don't pregnant women in haunted houses?
that's some bullshit.
i guess i'm gonna have to settle for scary movies.
J wants to see the grudge 2, but i wasn't really into the first one so i'll probably throw a tantrum and make him see texas chainsaw massacre prequel thingy with me.

oh shit, flavor of love season finale is tonight.
i don't think new york is gonna win.
i think flav kept her around cause she was the only one putting out.
which really sucks cause she really does [appear to] have genuine feelings for him.
if my theory about ugly guys having ugly peens is true, she has to.
that's only way i can explain anyone ever allowing that little gremlin to touch them.
that, and wanting that 15 minutes of fame.
but no amount of fame is worth that shit.
i'm sure flav is a very nice man, but that nigga is too fuckin ugly for words.
and he does not produce pretty children.

what the fuck is with the lurking, people?
don't make me start posting your lurker activities again.
cause i'll do it.
try me.

ugh, i need a shower.
i smell like J's man-funk.


Saturday, October 14, 2006

    oompa loompa?

J and i had an oh-so-lovely talk last night.
i really enjoyed hearing how unappreciative i am.
i especially loved the part where he said how much he hates being around me now because all i do is cry and complain about everything.

i don't know what to do.
when i tell him what's wrong, he doesn't wanna hear it.
if i don't tell him anything, he starts whining about me not talking to him.
either way, i end up feeling unwanted and unloved.
and it's not getting any better.
today, i'm more depressed than i was yesterday, and i'll be even more depressed tomorrow.

i suck at life.


Friday, October 13, 2006

    i cry a lot

the weather here is stupid.
just a few days ago, it was like 90.
then yesterday, the high was like 56.
today, more of the same.
i actually prefer cooler weather, i just want some fucking consistency.

i want a cigarette too.
yesterday, on campus i saw all the smokers huddled together trying to stay warm while they sucked on carbon monoxide and fiberglass, and i thought to myself "i wanna be one of those dirty smokers in the huddle!"
i'm so selfish.

J's being a very bad fiance and soon-to-be daddy.
that fuckface came downstairs and saw me crying and he didn't even bother to come over and ask me what was wrong.
it wasn't anything he hasn't already heard a dozen times, but a little attention goes a long way.
and i am not above keying his car, slashing his tires, and putting sugar in his gas tank.

i'm not really enjoying being pregnant.
at first i thought it was me just being hormonal, but nope, i don't like it.
i have too many image issues for this shit.
it's hard to feel good about being pregnant, when i hate all the changes it's bringing.
i'm gonna be such a horrible mom.

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mad crazy week.
15 page papers.
oh my.

soooo glad it's over.
school sucks satan's scrotum.

speaking of scrotums, sex is not so fun anymore.
before the expanding waist line and leaky boobs, we were having sex up to 4 times a day.
and it was great each and every time.
fucking was fun.

now, i still wanna fuck, i just have a lot of shit to complain about that makes it not so fun for me or J.
-i'm fat. i look horrible in lingerie now.
-if you even look at my tits, those sumbitches start leaking. and that's a problem i don't see going away any time soon. just fucking lovely.
-if i'm on top for too long, i get motion sickness. then, baby jesus weeps.
-i can't swallow anymore. fuck you, my baby is not snacking on daddy's love mayonnaise. it's too close to incest and i'm not having that shit.
-there's no more punching of the ovaries. you will never begin to understand how much i miss it. before, he was fucking me senseless. now he's all, "wait! stop! is that too hard? i don't wanna hurt the baby."
bitch! why do you have to be so considerate and caring when i'm trying to cum?
and stop touching my goddamn stomach all the time! i know there's a baby in there, i don't need to be reminded of that.
-and do i really need to explain what vaginal discharge does for the libido? just typing 'vaginal discharge' is sickening.

and it's only gonna get worse.
i was worried about our sex life going down the shitter after having a kid, but it sucks now and i'm only 15 weeks pregnant.
i have five more months of this shit to endure.
and people wonder why i'm so depressed.
i'm not getting any; and when i do, i don't enjoy it and know he's not enjoying it!
it sucks.

i see some uncontrollable crying over 1)being sexually frustrated and 2)not being able to fully satisfy J in bed in the very,very, VERY near future.
like, now.

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Monday, October 09, 2006

    oh really?

long ass day.
spent about 4 hours shopping for some new clothes.
i love this little baby so much, but being round in places i've never been round before is a little lot hard for me to accept.
i feel bad cause i'm being so fucking shallow and superficial; it just means our little baby is growing just as s/he should be.

i wish it was next week.
for one, we have fall break which means i get to sleep in and no class on tuesday [the day i hate the most].
i'm all for that shit.
but most importantly, i get a checkup and hopefully we'll find out the baby's sex.
is it wrong for me to want a girl more than a boy?
cause i really want it to be a girl.
i saw the cutest little pink ralph lauren boots at macy's and i thought 'baby girl will make all the other babies so jealous with these.'
even though she'll be a spring baby and never get to wear them.
it took all the willpower in me to not buy the entire baby clothes section.
they're so fucking adorable.
i got tons of cute stuff for me though.
i really don't know why i bought so much when i'll be too fat to fit in any of it in a month.

after shopping, J and i had lunch at the cheesecake factory.
those avocado eggrolls gave me the raunchiest gas.
anyhoos, after lunch, we came back and i pretty much slept the rest of the afternoon.


i'm happy to report i've gone the whole day without blowing chunks.
i am, however, thisclose to coughing up a lung.
i'm not having intense cigarette cravings anymore [yay!], but getting rid of all this phlegm is not a pretty thing.
i'm horny too.
but i don't wanna have sex and have my boobs leaking all over J.
he'll get all grossed out and make me feel like shit again.

i could just leave my bra on though.


Sunday, October 08, 2006

    my lame attempt to not blog about being pregnant:

yeah, not possible.
i swear, when i hit week 14, everything just got bigger and/or wider.
a few posts back i said i was looking forward to the physical changes i would experience throughout this pregnancy.
that was some bullshit.
goddamn hormones were fucking with me.
and you motherfuckers knew it was a lie the moment you read it, but y'all didn't say shit.


friday night, J and i had a date.
we were gonna go downtown to this great italian joint and go see "employee of the month.
but it ended up not happening cause i couldn't find anything to wear.
i tried on at least 15 outfits before breaking down and crying for an hour in the corner of the closet.
my hips have widened, so i can't fit in hardly any of my jeans/pants.
my boobs and stomach are bigger so none of my tops fit right.
it's really depressing.
so, we ended up staying in and ordering chinese, which btw, is really fucking gross now.
beef lo-mein and crab rangoon is really cool-looking when it comes up though.

i made J go to wendy's and mcdonald's for some better food, and we watched scarface.
during the movie, he decided my boobs needed to be molested.
as if not fitting into my clothes weren't enough, we discovered there is now leakage of colostrum from the boobs*.
J's insensitive ass, "babe.....did you spill something down your shirt?"
"ummm, no."
"ewwww, your boobs are leaking!"

i'm willing to bet everything i own, i've smacked and/or punched him more times in the past month than the thirteen years we've known each other.
he's so fucking annoying.
and i'm pretty sure if he hadn't said 'ewwww' and wiped his hand on MY shirt like i'd just given him an STD or something, i wouldn't have spent the rest of the night in the bathroom crying and throwing up.
i love him though.
minus that incident and the one with his dad, he's been really great about this pregnancy.
he's welcomed the role of "my bitch until this baby can wipe his/her own ass" with open arms.
not that he really has any choice.


yesterday was a little bit better.
i found this really cute halter top in the back of the closet.
i actually have a bunch of them but never wore them because they made me look pregnant.
now that i actually am, i have no reason not to wear them.
i squeezed my fat ass into some jeans i couldn't zip up; but it was okay because the halter was long enough to cover up that minor detail.

i think that's what i'm gonna do.
wear really long, but still cute tops and not zip up my jeans.
no one will ever know the difference.

anyhoos, we had a bunch of friends over to watch tennessee spank georgia.
of course we can never have people over without some shit happening.
being pregnant has [kinda] mellowed me out, so it was all J this time.
mimi just sat her ass around eating chips and salsa and secretly wanted everyone [except my baby's daddy] with a beer in their hand to die a slow, torturous death.

the first little altercation was over someone talking shit about the vols.
that i understand.
that boy bleeds orange.
you can't come into his house and talk shit about his team.
he will hit you.
it will hurt.
you will cry.
i will point and laugh.
the end.

then later, one of the guys hugged me and rubbed my belly and J lost his fucking mind because he's the only one allowed to hug and congratulate me on being knocked up.
the whole thing was actually pretty funny cause he was drunk.
he was trying his best to cuss the dude out, but the words wouldn't come out quite right so he sounded like the tazmanian devil and animal from the muppets' love child.
maybe i'm just easily amused.


today, i've done a whole lotta nothing.
J made me breakfast in bed and he cleaned the house.
he did a piss poor job of cleaning in my opinion, but he gets an A for effort.
afternoon.i think he was hoping for some sex for all that work cause he hasn't gotten any since friday, but um yeah, the leaky boobs make me feel unattractive.
i'm horny, i just feel really fat and disgusting; therefore, there will be no sex until further notice.

i went to see my favorite fag before he and his boyfriend left for LA.
i'm really sad about that, so i've been moping around for the past few hours.
i don't have anyone to do my hair [for free] anymore.
if J and i have a fight, i can't call him and whine and/or stay with him for a few hours and let him liquor me while we talk shit about boys.
i don't have anyone to talk about Britney Spears' downward spiral with.
i don't have a reason to watch gay porn anymore.
i'm really happy for him cause that's what he's always wanted but it sucks for me cause he's my only friend left in this stupid place.
good thing he has cingular.
we can talk for free.


i can't wait to find out the sex of the baby.
i think it's a girl, but that's probably because i've always wanted to have a girl first.
i kinda prefer a girl over a boy right now because i know J will fight me on a boy's name.
and i refuse to name my baby boy after him.
i love his name; i scream it all the time.
i just hate the way it's spelled.
plus, i already have girls names already picked out.
and girls are more fun to shop for.
i'm so ready to buy baby clothes and stuff for the nursery.
shopping is gonna be my therapy during this pregnancy.
feeling fat? squirt colostrum in the mirror today? vaginal discharge?
american express to the rescue.

thank jeebus i don't have stretchmarks.

*this week is supposed to be the beginning of week 15, but i think that means i may be a bit more farther along than that.


Friday, October 06, 2006

    i heart cookies

it is not a good idea to catch up on nip/tuck episodes and eat butter pecan ice cream with oreos and whipped cream on the side late at night.
i had this horrible dream about that evil little midget manny.
he was wearing a purple crushed velvet suit with a red fedora and he kept poking my belly and saying "oooh, just ripe for the pickin'! gimme that baby!"
i kicked him and he tumbled over but he got right back up and started head-butting my kneecaps all the while yelling in a chucky-like voice "gimme that baby! i want that baby!"
then he pulled out a knife.
i think he was gonna stab me but i woke up and started crying about not wanting a midget manny.
J woke up, half drunk and confused and was like "what the fuck are you talking about?! go back to sleep! "
so i smacked him a coupla times.

i think i smacked the drunken asshole out of him and turned him into a fag cause he grabbed his face and looked at me, and he shook his head and went "oooooh, i do not like you." and turned his back against me.
that hurt my feelings so i pinched his back and pushed him out of the bed.

you don't tell the mother of your unborn child you don't like her!
i don't care if i did deserve it.
i am very sensitive and emotional right now.


this little baby is very deceptive.
i thought after having two consecutive days without vomit-breath, the allfuckingday sickness was going away and baby was finally starting to listen to mommy.
oh, the trickery.
i almost didn't make it to the bathroom this morning.
and i know the fetus was in there cackling like a hyena, "gotcha, bitch!"


i don't know what i'm gonna be for halloween now.
i usually go for a slutty look, but i don't think that's possible now.
i'm gonna be all fat and nasty-looking.
and i don't want my child looking at old halloween pictures of me and the sperm donor years from now and asking "mommy, weren't you pregnant with me then? why are your ass cheeks hanging out like that? have you no shame, woman?"
how in the hell am i gonna explain that?
"your dad made me do it."
oh yeah, nice save.


being pregnant has made me go all soft and shit.
no more 'let's get drunk and beat bitches up'.
it's all 'baby, baby, baby' now.
i have to tell myself to shut the fuck up now.
i'm so annoying with all the baby talk.

i used to think people were full of shit when they said having a baby changes everything.
i mean, it can't possibly change everything.
i'm gonna have to break somebody's nose just so i can say i didn't completely lose myself in all of this.

oooh, i smell food.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

    i'm the narrator and this is just the prologue

is it normal to be really horny when you're pregnant?
all the books say it is, but i think they're referring to normal horniness.
this isn't normal horniness.
it's like i'm in heat or something.

i really want a cigarette.
i miss eating big bowls of cookie dough.
i miss my koolaid and vodka concoctions too.
why can't there be like a little switch that keeps all the bad stuff away from the baby so mommy can indulge in all of her bad habits.

my head hurts.
i haven't had any morning sickness today [yay!] but i've still been feeling kinda nauseous [boooo!].
still tired all the time.
and i'm getting fat.
it's like i grew the baby pooch overnight.
i'm gonna spend this weekend wearing all the clothes i know i'm not gonna be able to wear in a few months weeks.
that should be interesting.

i was looking at my little baby calendar/notebook thingy today and that thing is depressing.
i have pretty much nothing written about my first trimester.
cause i'm a dumbass and didn't know i was pregnant.
all the signs were there, i just didn't pay attention.
stupid stupid stupid.

speaking of stupid shit, it's really not a smart idea to drown your skin in cocoa butter and then put on silk pajamas.
it's not a feel-good type of situation.
while i'm giving advice, if you're feeling a little down and want to put a little pep in your step, don't take st. john's wort if you're on the pill.
while it does enhance your mood, it decreases the effectiveness the pill.
ask me how i know.

i have boobs now.
they're really nice.
J likes to play with them.
i think he has a pregnant lady fetish.
he's always rubbing and kissing on my stomach.
it was cute at first, but now it's starting to get really annoying.
i almost feel bad for being so mean to him cause i know my unpleasantness is only gonna get worse.
but then i think about what he and his bionic sperm have done to me, and that makes it all better.

hmmm....i'm hungry.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

    when i wear socks, my feet smell like fritos

this morning, i woke up feeling great.
no morning sickness, no mind-numbing headache.
hells yeah!
so i didn't go to class.
sue me.

i made myself a big, healthy breakfast.
i took the dog out and we ran half a mile.
i came back and showered and smothered my entire mid-section with cocoa butter cause i am not getting stretch marks.
i refuse to.

i took a two-hour nap cause mini-me loves sleep.
after that, i cleaned the whole house and did like 5 loads of laundry.
i attempted to give the dog a bath since we missed her little grooming appointment last week, but that dog fucking hates me so it didn't work out very well.

since i'd been really unpleasant to J the past few weeks with my crazy mood swings, i went out and bought him the platinum edition of scarface that was released today.
when he came home, i made him lunch and we had a little picnic on the living room floor.
there may have been a blowjob or two somewhere in there.

i felt really productive even though i didn't do any of the shit i actually needed to do.
oh wells.

then around 4:00, J and i were cuddling on the couch when his dad called.
i got up and went in the kitchen and ate a fuckton of strawberries so they could talk or whatever.
i guess they kissed and made up, and his dad wanted to talk to me and do the same, but i was so not having that shit.
so when J brought the phone to me, i just hung it up and gave it back to him.
and this motherfucker goes "well, that was rude."

"excuse me?"

"that was so uncalled for."

"this man told you that your unborn child should be aborted and i'm rude? it's good to know where your loyalties lie."

"it's not about loyalty; it's common decency. you didn't have to hang up the phone. you could've just said you didn't wanna talk to him and gave me the phone back. it's really not that fucking hard to be respectful every now and then."

"yeah, cause he only insulted me and told you you should kill your baby, but me hanging up a fucking phone makes me the indecent one. i see where you get your fucked up logic from now."

"okay, this is about to turn into an argument and i don't want you getting upset so let's drop it."

"where the fuck have you been the past two minutes? you just called me rude, indecent, AND disrespectful for not wanting to talk to someone who. HATES. OUR. BABY! UPSET DOES NOT COVER WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW!"

that one little conversation just ruined the entire day for me.
i cried for like two hours.
even though he was apologizing and trying to console me, i feel like J's not even trying to see this situation from my perspective.
i'm so fucking stressed out and depressed over all of this shit and him acting like i was so wrong for hanging up on his dad just didn't make it any better.
his response would've been a bit more [but not by much] justified if i'd just taken the phone and went off on his dad, but all i did was press a stupid button.

i'm getting really frustrated.
i have so much anger inside of me because of those things J's dad said about my baby.
i know i can't keep it bottled up and not say anything because it's not healthy for me or the baby, but i can't seem to find an appropriate outlet.
i really just wanna go stomp his fucking skull into his scrotum, but that's not possible.
i could sit here for days and write about how much i hate that man but it still won't make me feel any better because i'll still hate him.
i really don't want to but i don't see myself letting this thing go and allowing that man to be a part of my baby's life when he or she is born.
he doesn't deserve it.
i'm sure he and J will be just as fine and dandy as they were before all of this happened since J seems to be doing the passive-aggressive shit, but there are some things that i just can't forgive.

i'm so fucking exhausted.


Sunday, October 01, 2006

    i am hormonal. deal with it.

i feel like doodoo feces.
my ass is fat.
i'm always hungry and i throw up everything i eat.
oh yeah, and the paternal grandfather of my unborn child thinks of my baby as a "fuck-up" who should be aborted before it's too late.
just fucking lovely.

it would be really nice to not cry for a day.
before i knew about the peanut, i wasn't that emotional.
i had some crazy ass mood swings, but i don't think they were that bad.
since i've found out, i've cried every day.
i'm not sad about being pregnant; i love this little baby more than i thought it was possible to love someone.
but i can't stop crying.
yesterday, my feelings were really hurt by J's dad, so i'm cutting myself some slack.
but this morning, i woke up crying just because i woke up.
then i saw that i'm starting to show.
it was kinda bittersweet.
my little peanut is starting to grow more, but that means i'm getting fatter and i'm gonna have to wear maternity clothes.
and why the fuck are maternity clothes so fucking ugly?
i was looking at gapmaternity online this morning and it's like the designers equate pregnancy with ugly colors, patterns, and prints.
i'm not wearing that shit.
my fat ass will be trotting around in my small tshirts and jeans i can't zip before i ever buy anything out of a maternity clothing section.
fuck it.
i'll just wear J's stuff.
he thinks i look sexy when i wear his shirts and boxers.

i've been eating healthy, but the cravings are just out of control.
i put chocolate syrup and whipped on almost everything.
ooh and mayonnaise.
i love mayonnaise now.
especially with pepperoni pizza.
yeah, this kid is turning me into a weirdo.
i think i'm gonna end fucking up some fast food restaurant employees before this pregnancy is over too.
first, it was wendy's not maknig my spicy chicken sammich.
then today, mcdonald's would not make my mcflurry the way i wanted it.
what the fuck is so hard about adding a fucking apple pie and chocolate syrup to some damn ice cream with oreo cookie crumbs?!
"i'm sorry, we don't do that here."
bitch, i'm pregnant and hungry, i'll climb in that fucking window and stab yo punk ass in the eye.

in an attempt to not become one of those mommy bloggers i absolutely abhor, i've started a baby journal.
J's writing in it too, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside [even though he wrote about how grouchy and mean i am to him].
there's no way possible for me to not write about pregnancy stuff here because that's all i think about now, but i'm gonna try to keep all sappy stuff in the journal.
i ain't making no promises though.
if you don't like what you read, there's an X in the top right corner that closes the window.
use it.

oh, i've been stalking pregnancy forums and they make me paranoid.
i'm still really worried about whether or not my unhealthiness has harmed my little peanut.
while most of the women have had great outcomes, i've read some terrible stuff too.
and some people just should not post pictures of their babies cause they are sooooo not photogenic.
i know it sounds mean, but it's da troof.
like this one kid, his head was fucking huge.
i hope that lady had a c-section.
if she didn't, i feel sorry for her giney.
that kid split her from the rooter to the tooter.

i love that i'm getting tons of sleep now.
but it's at the expense of my school work.
every time i sit down to start studying or writing a paper, baby says it's nap time.
the morning sickness is getting me in trouble too.
one of my profs emailed me because the past two weeks i've ran out of class [to go throw up. yay morning sickness] right in the middle of lecture.
i didn't really care that she emailed me about it, i was more annoyed at the fact that she didn't bother to ask if i was okay or the reason why i was leaving so abruptly, instead of just telling me my "recent behavior has caused a disturbance in her class" and that i "should not come to class if [i] was going to continue to disrupt it".
she keeps fucking with me and i'll throw up in her face.

i'm hungry again.


    [insert heavy sigh here]

so......J and i went home to tell the family the baby news.
initially, it was supposed to be J going by himself so he could go to the memphis/ut game with his dad and brother but, oh, the difference a day makes.

anyhoos, before leaving, we called and asked everyone [J's mom, dad, brother, and sister; my mom, brothers, and oldest sister] to meet at my mom's house cause we had something important to tell them.

it was so cute cause on the drive there, almost everyone individually called us and said something to the effect of "What's the big news? You can tell me. I won't tell a soul." and both of our moms were like "I gave birth to you. How can you not tell your own mother?"
silly wabbits.

fast forward 3 hours later, and we're all sitting in my mom's living room, some general chitchat going on, J's mom came back in from chain smoking, and C's little crazy ass finally stopped terrorizing the dogs [what is with little kids and trying to swing around dogs by their tail?]

J starts off by saying "I know you're all wondering what the big news is so I'm just gonna get straight to the point. Mimi and I have been together for over 3 years, engaged for almost a year, but we've decided we're not gonna get married.

and his mom gives him the most evil look ever and shoots up out of her seat and goes "WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?!" "Whatever it is we can get some counseling. Everyone goes through a rough patch. I've gotdecoraters and caterers on standby. YOU WILL NOT DO THIS TO ME!"

and you could see that little vein in the middle of her forehead just throbbing away; it was not a pretty sight.

J goes, "Mom, sit down and let me talk." so, she sits down and starts fanning herself and his dad is trying to calm her down; my mom is just sitting there gritting her teeth. she was so ready to fight. and i think shecould've taken J.

so J continues. "As I was saying, we're not gonna get married. We're gonna wait until after the baby's born and then we'll get hitched."

there was a collective gasp from the crowd. that made me kinda nervous so i was like "Okay, now would be a good time to hug me because I'm gonna cry."

my mom was so happy. she jumped up and hugged me and started crying "My baby's having a baby!" and i started crying "Yeah, and i don't know what the hell I'm doing!" J's mom hugged me and J and she started crying "I'm gonna be a grandma! I'm officially old now!" then J's sister started crying "I'm crying because y'all are crying and I don't wanna be left out!" and my sister, that bitch, hugged me and told me she was happy for me and J and that i was gonna be a great mom. hearing that from her kinda made me really happy cause i don't have the greatest relationship with either of my sisters, so yeah, that made me feel really good.

and then little C. she was feeling a little left out so to get some attention, she stood up on the coffee table and yelled, "WAIT A MINUTE! I WANT A HUG TOO!"

in the midst of the estrogen fest, J's brother and my brothers were congratulating him and doing the man thing, and everyone seemed genuinely happy for us, but i noticed J's dad had disappeared. and while the moms are asking me howi'm feeling and if i'm eating healthy and all that stuff, J leaves, presumably to find his dad.

so i'm thinking that's not good. i didn't see J and his dad hug and he definitely didn't hug me so i got a little worried. i was about to go off and look for him but Ccame up to me with a little sad face, so i picked her up and kissed her little forehead and asked her what was wrong.

"Tia, why you gon' have a baby?"
"I didn't really plan on it, it just kinda happened. But it's okay cause you'll have another little cousin to play with."
"I don't want another cousin."
"Why not?"
"Cause you not gon' love me no more."
"Awww, honey, I'll always love you. You're my big baby. I'm just gonna have a little baby around. You can help me take care of her when we come visit."
"I can change the diapers?"
"Mmhmmm. You'll be my little helper."
"Okay, but I'm not giving her my toys. That's my stuff."
"Deal. Now go in the pantry and see what kind of cookies grandma bought!"

while the munchkin went off to raid the pantry, i went to look for my baby's daddy. he's outside with his dad and i saw that they're having a very heated conversation. J's arms were flailing all over the place, soi'm like 'okay, this would be a good time to use my ninja skills.'

i am nosy. i need to be in the know at all times. i am one eavesdropping bitch. i can't help it.

but that is one conversation i wish i'd never heard. J's really the only person who's ever been able to hurt me with words, but J's dad has definitely taken that crown from him.

for as long as i've known J's family, they've always made me and my family a part of their family. his my mom and my mom are best friends. his dad consulted with the company my dad works with for years. when J and i were broken up, his mom and dad would call and check up on me to see how i was doing and made sure i was doing well in school; i felt like they genuinely cared about me and my well-being even if i wasn't a part of J's life anymore.

i think i valued my relationship with them more than with my own parents because i truly felt an unconditional love from them. i still feel the same way about his mom because she's always been so supportive of me, but i can honestly say i hate his dad now.

he told J that me having this baby would drag their family name through the mud and that J and i were making their family look bad and we're too young to have a baby and we don't know what the hell we're doing. this man, who'd been a better father to me than my own dad for nearly 15 years, actually suggested that i get an abortion because there was still time for J to "fix his fuck-up".

before, he could say anything else, i stopped him and said i was happy to know how he really felt about me and our baby and that he didn't have to worry about me or my baby making him look bad because there was no way in helli'd ever let someone as hateful and repulsive as he is be a part of my child's life. in retrospect, there's a lot more shit i wish i would've said, but what's done is done.

i don't think i've ever been so disgusted and offended in my entire life. i mean, i actually would've expected my own father to say some shit like that before J's dad. i never would've predicted that reaction from him in a million years. i was so crushed by that, that all i could do was run to the bathroom and throw up and cry. J came in after me and apologized relentlessly for having to hear that shit, but it didn't even matter. it wasn't J that owed me an apology, and even if J's dad did apologize, i wouldn't accept it. there's nothing he could say that would make me even consider forgiving him.

the whole thing just sucks because i promised this baby my mom and J's parents would be so ecstatic about having her in their lives and would love her just as much as J and i already do.

that asshole made me a liar.

my dad and i don't even speak to each other but i knew this baby would have at least one grandad that would be honored to have this baby a part of his life. but instead, he thinks of her as a "fuck-up" that's gonna ruin his perfect little family's image.nevermind the fact that his wife has been in and out of rehab the past two years, or his oldest son has a DUI and a misdemeanor drug charge under his belt already, or that he doesn't know where the hell his daughter is most nights, forget all of that shit. having a bastard child in his family trumps everything.

i'll be the first to admit that i'm not the perfect and, hell, i've still got issues, but this innocent little baby did not and does not deserve any of that. i just don't understand how he could be so fucking nasty. i was just starting to feel really good about this pregnancy and that whole confrontation with J's dad ruined it for me.

everyone is upset with J's dad now. i feel like it's my fault. i know they're feelings are justified but that's not how this was supposed to be. everyone is supposed to be happy and excited and looking forward to having a new baby in the family. instead, there's just this big, ominous cloud hanging over me.

people make me sick.

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