i'm still trying to get better on my own. again. i think i'm stuck in limbo right now. i'm not really moving forward but i feel like i could fall back at any moment now.

i'm still keeping the food diary to keep track of what i'm eating but it's not really helping. the way i eat is pretty consistent, it's just on paper now. either i eat too much or nothing at all. it's never been anywhere in the middle. i'll eat tons of junk and either purge or not eat for a few days. or not eat for a few days and eat tons of junk. and it's not like i want to.

when i do go days without eating, i don't even notice until J asks me what i've eaten or tells me my stomach is growling like crazy.

when i'm binging i'll tell myself to stop eating but i'm not physically able to. it's quite sad. we tried to sorta counter it, i guess, by not buying so much food at once. instead of buying stuff for the week, may be 2 or 3 days. but we can't control for living 10 minutes away from all the fast food places. and J doesn't always make the food runs. just the ones for my late night cravings.

i think he knows what happens when i go get food but he's probably so tired of dealing with it he doesn't even bother anymore. it kinda hurts cause i feel like he's given up on me but if i were him, i'd be the same way. it's been going on for so long fighting about it is just pointless.


i hate her.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:10 PM | |