i'm thinking about maybe finding another therapist.
therapy's hard for me just because of my view of my eating disorder and it's difficult for me to change that way of thinking.

i know i have a problem [bulimia] and i want to get better, i just don't see it as a problem [impairment]. probably because i cycle so much and when i'm having recurrent episodes its cause of my state of mind.

when i'm content for an extended period of time, like now, i don't binge and purge, starve myself, or do any other type of compensatory things. when i'm depressed, even for just a few days, i completely lose self-control and do unhealthy things to myself.

and i know people are thinking "why not just go on antidepressants?" it's not that simple. i know what it's like to be on them and i know what it's like to not be on them. i'd much rather deal with mood swings and cyclings of bulimiac episodes than be on drugs that make me put on this fake smile and be all la-dee-da, everything's perfect facade. it's not real. even though you're saying all the right things and appearing to be happy and healthy to everyone else, that's not what you feel. you're devoid of normal emotion.

and let's not forget it kills your sex drive. i went off zoloft 6 months after J and started dating [back in 2003] after being on them for almost 3 years. i believe it was after the 6 months he turned me out. heh.

yesterday, i got pissed off at him cause he ate 3 ham and cheese sandwiches.
i was jealous that he could eat that much and be fine with it. it's just a normal thing for him. thoughts of gaining weight and having to purge and starve himself for three days would never cross his mind. that's what i want.
yeah, i need a new therapist.

coming to america's on. i love that movie.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:03 AM | |