minus the poopy diapers and her biting the bejeezus outta me, i enjoyed having my goddaughter around all weekend. i spoiled her rotten.
food and toys that make noise are the way to her heart.
i'm pretty sure her mom's probably pissed that the kid won't go to sleep without being held though.

J was great the first day we i had her. he seemed to enjoy the whole fishing experience. when i put her down for a nap, he laid in bed with her and watched her sleep. and when she woke up, he actually changed her diaper. it was so adorable. [i think that kid's gonna be a chronic bed-wetter cause she pees entirely too much while she's sleeping.] but when she got around to dropping the load, he left that to me. typical male.

then after he read my latest post and he did a 180. when he was around, he would play with her for like, five minutes , hand her off to me, and then go into another room. whenever i got time to talk to him about it he was either sleep or out with his friends.

this morning, i let him sleep in while i took stinky-poo home. the kid was more than ecstatic to be with her mommy again. she had the biggest smile on her face when K opened the door and practically jumped out of my arms to get to her.
i will admit, although i really loved having her, i was glad to not have that extra 20 pounds on me anymore. that kid is bad for my back.

when i came back home, J was laying on the couch watching tv. so i got on top of him, dry-humped him a little and made him sit up so we could talk.

i asked him if he had fun this weekend since he was gone most of the time and he was like, "Yes......and no" with his voice trailing off on the "and no" part. when i asked what he meant by it he said something like, "I don't know. I had fun hanging out and getting drunk with all of my friends but then coming back home and seeing how happy you were with Loo just made me re-think some things......about.....us."

perfect. just what every woman wants to hear from the man they're supposed to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

"yeah, you've been kinda distant all weekend, literally and figuratively."

"i know. i'm sorry."

"don't be sorry. just tell me what's going on."

he kissed me.
passionately.
full of intensity.
and as he was kissing me i could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

but they weren't mine.

his forehead pressed against mine, "i think we should cool off for a while."

part of me knew what he was gonna say but i was so taken aback by just the thought of it that i didn't think he would really be thinking it.

"as much i want to give you everything you want and make you happy, i can't do it all right now. i'd end up resenting you for it and that's not fair to either of us."

i had so many thoughts running through my head i didn't know what to say.
i was speechless.
that's pretty rare, kids.

after sitting in complete silence for what seemed like forever but was really only a minute, he asked me to say something. have you ever been so confused about something, all you could do was laugh semi-maniacally about it?
i never had until today.

"i don't get it. all of this was because of you. you were the one who wanted us to try and work things out. you wanted us to live together. you brought up marriage first. you were the one who proposed. and i said yes to it all because i love you more than i love myself and so desperately wanted to be with you and thought everything would work out because you seemed to want it just as badly. and then this weekend, just because there's a kid around for a couple of days you don't want it anymore? that's really fucking adult of you. so i guess i should say "thanks for the memories." am i supposed to help you pack?"

"i feel like the only reason you had Loo here was so you could get me to change my mind about us having kids now."

i'm a very emotional person. and i haven't a single problem with expressing whatever emotion i'm feeling at any given moment. i went from heartbroken to confused to pissed to fucking livid in 3 seconds and i smacked the shit out of that dumbass.

"[insert his first, middle, and last name here], you are the most self-centered ASSHOLE i've ever known. the reason Loo was here was because K had to work two doubles this weekend and she didn't have a sitter. i told her i would keep her because one, she needs the money and two, i'm her godmother and that's what i'm here for. whenever Loo needs something, food, clothes, a sitter, i'm gonna get it for her. it had nothing to do with you."

i've always known J was an idiot. but i never the level of idiocy was at such a magnitude that he'd actually think i had some ulterior motive behind keeping my goddaughter for a few days. he and i have talked several times about now not being the right time for us to have kids. yes, sometimes it's saddening to me because i love him so much and want all of these great things for both of us, but i'm not so irrational about life that i would try to have kids now knowing how he feels about it. i mean, i'm going to continue to want to have kids until we do but damn, give me some credit here.

"so, you weren't gonna like, give me an ultimatum or something about the baby thing?"

"are you out of your rabid-assed mind?"

"no, i thought you were gonna be like 'if we cant have kids now, i'm gonna leave" so i figured if i maybe broke things off first it wouldn't come to that."

"i'm sorry you have that little faith in me and our relationship, J."

"it's not that."

"really? what do you do call it then?"

"i'm sorry, baby. i know. i'm stupid sometimes. [ya think?] can we just go back to bed and pretend none of this ever happened."

"you've got some serious making up to do, boy. and you can start by licking my giney."

[insert evil grin here]

**********

just because i know him and given our history, i understand why he would jump to such conclusions. i can't even be mad at him because i know he's an idiot and he knows he's an idiot. it can be entertaining at times, but at other times i have to wonder what he would be like if he didn't have me around to smack some sense into his head every other day.

it's all to the goody now.
i don't have a kid stuffing triscuits down my shirt.
i've gotten my ovaries punched.
and we have dinner reservations at my fave italian restaurant.
life is grand again.

but if that sumbitch ate my twizzlers i'm gonna cut him.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 5:20 PM | |