so the man's birthday has come and gone.
thank fucking god.
i'm exhausted.

tuesday night, he and i stayed in and watched the game. alone. FINALLY..
miami won. i totally called it. i'm awesome like that.
we stayed snuggled up on the couch and watched the postgame stuff.
i talked shit about the players who didn't even play a single second running out onto the court celebrating like they really did something besides ride the bench the entire season.
i mean, those niggas didn't even dribble the ball and they're out there grabbing hats and t-shirts and shit like they actually contributed to the win.
and since when did winning the NBA championship make them "world champions"?
it's the eastern conference versus the western conference.
those motherfuckers didn't play the damn world!
but anyhoos, midnight rolled around, i sang the boy happy birthday and pinched his ass.

then i gave him the card and stuff i bought him: first two seasons of entourage and a portable satellite radio.
he luh-ded it. he was actually surprised i remembered he wanted that stuff. i should probably be offended by that but i'm not because i had no idea he actually told me that's what he wanted.
i blame the drugs.
anyhoos, after he fiddled around with that stuff, we went to bed and i gave him some birthday lovin.

then i got up at 5:30 in the morning and snuck downstairs to get all dolled up and into the skanky french maid costume and made the man breakfast.
forget trying. it's hard to WANT to look sexy that fucking early in the morning.
i'm still sleepy and i've got eye boogers and cock breath that've marinated for several hours.
it's not pleasant but i made it do what it do.

me as the hot spanish-speaking french maid is about as close to reality as that fantasy is ever gonna come. our maid's gonna be a fat mexican with a mole on her chin the size of japan and nappy pubes. her milkshake will not be bringing my boy to the yard.

maids and milkshakes.
sounds like a nursery rhyme of some sort, but i digress.
my bad.

his mom and dad called, like, right in the middle of us having sex. it's pretty awkward riding the stick when you can hear his mom crying about her baby turning 21.
just take my word for it.

next up, the slutty catholic schoolgirl. cause really, what guy doesn't want to do a hot chick wearing an obscenely short skirt and knee-high socks? i know the boners are raging just thinking about it.

something not fun, unless you're a sado-masochist: getting in a car that's been sitting in the sun for several hours and burning your ass on the hot leather seat.

but yeah, i went to his job while he was on break to give him a birthday cupcake and a blowjob in the restroom. yeah, i'm the bestest. i may have gotten him in a little trouble though. apparently distractions like that aren't welcome in the workplace. whatever. i think the boss was just jealous of me.
he has a man-crush on J.

the third "character" was supposed to be a dirty cop, but i never found a uniform that i liked so that never happened. i had this whole routine where i was gonna frisk him and interrogate him about his speeding tickets and why driving "fast and hard" was sooooo fun, and then i was gonna cuff him with the pink fuzzies and give it to him nice and slow.
stupid costume place and their ugly cop uniforms.
ugh.

since that didn't happen i just made him his favorite dinner [fried chicken smothered in gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade biscuits] and a chocolate cake with white icing.
why the bakeries here won't make a cake in the shape of a vagina i'll never understand.

and this is where i bitch about him eating whatever the fuck wants and still managing to have the body of a greek god. that bitch fell asleep after he finished the THIRD slice of cake.
IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

but that's okay cause when he woke, i got to cuff him to the bed. the night was not gonna end without me using those handcuffs.
a while ago, J and i were watching purple rain and started talking about prince's proteges.
he said vanity [NSFW] was his favorite [cause he has jungle fever] so that was my inspiration for the birthday finale.
keeping the tradition going, i dressed in skanky lingerie [gotta love frederick's] and fuck-me boots and gave him his very own private dance. this time to vanity 6's "nasty girl" [the unedited version] while standing on the bed. the whole time i was thinking "DON'T FALL!" "this song is a lot longer than i remember" "DON'T FALL!" "where'd i put the key?" "OMG DON'T FALL!" "dude, he just licked my crotch."
i did end up falling before the song was over cause my heel got twisted in the sheets. it was hilarious to me but not so much to J cause i kinda fell on his not-so-little dude.
but i kissed it and made it all better....and some other stuff.

that's pretty much it.

years from now, J's gonna tell our kids "mommy was a nympho and dressed up in skanky costumes for daddy's 21st birthday.
and then she blogged about it."

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:18 PM | |