my sister's slightly upset with me. her feelings are hurt cause i said we weren't very close growing up. we both know it's the truth but she said it was because i always acted like it was me against the world. that's how i felt though.

growing up, i always felt very misunderstood and out of place. my brothers and sisters were very obedient and well-disciplined. they'd do whatever they were told but i was the one to always question authority and eventually rebelled. i did [and still do] what i want.
conformity has never been my niche.

with there being 5 of us, the two boys paired up, the two older girls paired up, and then there was just me la-di-da-ing all by myself. so it was always me vs. them. when one of them got in trouble, someone would jump in and back them. i never had that and i was pretty much always in trouble. and i always stood alone.

they all had their one or two extracurricular activities they stuck with for years, meanwhile i was quitting or starting something new every other week.

i didn't even fit in with my family physically. my dad's latino but he looks white and my mom's mixed and very fair skinned. my brothers and sisters all turned out really light-skinned with dark brown curly hair and either light brown or green eyes and look a lot like my mom.
i was like the ugly duckling compared to them. dark hair, dark skin [compared to them], dark eyes.

my behavior, my view on rules and authority, my appearance. everything about me was just different.

as i got older, i was very much and still am delighted with my individuality but as a kid, people aren't very accepting of it. they were constantly getting praised for how reat they were at this and that, while people would look at me be like, 'she's so....different.'

i think that's what got me in a lot of trouble as a kid too. people made me out to be this badass, 'fuck-the-world' kid so i just gave 'em what they wanted. people need someone to talk about and i was that someone. instead of letting it defeat me, i used it to my advantage. even though i was always in trouble, i got away with so much shit just because it was expected of me.

i remember one time, i'd gotten really fucked up with some "friends" and i went home and discovered my flat iron wasn't in my bathroom. i knew my oldest sister had taken it cause she was a bitch like that. i went to my mom and started crying hysterically about her always taking my stuff without asking and i was tired of having to always share stuff with other people. my mom was tried to console me and said something like "you're supposed to share with them cause they're family" but that's not what i wanted to hear.

i figured with her being one of 6 kids, she'd understand my point of view and make my sister apologize and make her stop taking my stuff. but nope, i was told to suck it up and deal with it. so i took one of my dad's drivers and smashed everything in that whore's room and then i went to sleep. when my mom saw what i'd done, she smacked the shit out of me and told me to clean it up. i told her she and that bitch could kiss my ass and i left in my car and didn't come back until the next day.

you'd think after something like that i would've had someone's foot sticking out of my ass, but it was so typical of me to do shit like that, my mom and dad were just like 'whatever. let her have her little tantrum.'

i hated that so much. part of the reason i did a lot of the shit i did was to get them to discipline me and force me abide by their rules. i wanted to feel like they cared about me.

when i did feel like i was loved and wanted and someone cared for my well-being, it wasn't even from my own family. it was from J, hence the slightly frightening, unhealthy codependent relationship we have now.

whenever i hear kids complaining about their parent being too hard on them or punishing them for shit they've done, i wanna punch their fucking faces in. i would kill to have had that when i was growing up. when parents don't discipline their kids so they'll be the "good" or "cool" or "fun" parent, it just fucks kids up mentally. kids know when they've fucked up and deserve to have their asses handed to them. it's when parents don't do the parenting they're supposed to do, they create monsters like me.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:05 PM | |