a reader/lurker recently emailed me to inquire about my ED and BDD.
i find it very peculiar that when i'm being asked about the bulimia people always always ALWAYS ask "how did it start. were you fat or something?"

no. i was the weight i was supposed to be but i was sucked into the evil world of cheerleading where i was constantly being told to lose more and more weight to be perfect. so i did.

when summer of 1999 began, i was a normal 13 year old girl with high self esteem who never once worried about her weight or what she looked like because i'd always had people telling me how pretty and perfect i looked. that summer ended with me having BDD and a new friend named "mia". technically, i don't have BDD because it's in conjuction with the ED but people like labels so i'm like the poster child for axes I and II of the DSM.

yay america.

land of the free, home of where disorders are made up so we can manufacture and market drugs that we KNOW alter your brain structure but are too money-hungry to study the long-term, detrimental effects they may have on a person.

oh how i digress.

so basically, i spent my entire high school career(?) battling an eating disorder and coke-addiction. the drug habit was easy to kick even though there are days i still crave that temporary release from reality. the eating disorder? not so much. for me, it has nothing to do with what the media says the "perfect" or not perfect body is. hell, they can't even make up their minds. one week nicole richie is to be idolized, the next week "how thin is too thin?" douchebags.

it's just what i see and don't feel comfortable with. i like being thin. i just don't go about it in a healthy way. sue me. don't get it twisted though. i don't wanna be nicole richie thin. that bitch is just nasty-looking. but i don't want love handles, a beer belly, and flabby thighs and arms. i feel disgusting when i'm over a certain weight. other people look at me and think i look fine but they're not me. they don't experience me as i experience myself. you see an almost-normal looking young woman. i feel my lard ass jiggle when i walk. it's not fun. it's something i'm probably gonna have to deal with the rest of my life. and i'm okay with that. i'm a lot more content when there's something wrong than when things seem fine.

chaos and distress is normal for me. it's familiar. i've had to deal with so much shit since i was a little kid that anything less scares me. it's evident in my relationship with J. when things are going great, i freak the fuck out and look for shit to stir up because baby jesus weeps when things are too peaceful with me. that aspect of this craziness is something i'm working on because it'll be my downfall, but i really don't know if i'll ever be able to change it.

that's why sometimes i feel like i'm not the person J should be with. i have too much shit going on inside me to be able to make someone else happy. i'm physically and mentally unhealthy. but on the flipside, being with him is so great for me because focusing on him makes me not think about other things that bring me down. if i'm gonna obsess over something, i'll always want it to be him.

that's almost creepy-sounding but i guess you'd have to really know me to understand what i'm trying to get across.

i'm all over the place today.
again.
go me!


p.s. i still have a passionate hatred for lurkers.



[ETA] p.p.s so-called captain bee, anonymouse does not work.


geez, even the lurkers have biggers balls than you.

Labels: this is who i am

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