sometimes, i don't like living in this suburbanesque area. it's cool back home just because everyone in our neighborhood has lived there at least 10 years and we know everybody and their momma's business; and who doesn't like to live comfortability? here, we're i'm completely out of our my element. we don't really know anyone except a few kids that go to the U here. our friends rarely hang out at our place cause we stay so far away from the city and no one wants to make that 30 minute drive [on a good day]. not that i blame them. traffic can be a bitch and a half. and we can't even get a bag of weed without worrying about somebody snitching on us. there's too much unfamiliarity around these parts. but it's so fuckin clean! i could actually settle down here.
*
i don't appreciate how the neighbors always be lookin at me like i'm all stank when i go outside barefoot in my hello kitty shirt and J's boxers to take the trash out or leave to put some gas in my car. fuck y'all. none of you whores are gonna do it for me. besides, it's what's underneath that counts. bitches.
*
when i take the dog to the vet, the folks there glare at me like they've got PETA on speed-dial just cause i drag that little evil dog in the place. it is not my fault she doesn't listen to me. if i have to drag her around and slap her butt a few times, then so be it. do not judge me. if her daddy wouldn't act like such a prick about getting dog hair all in his precious little escalade and take her to the place she was getting groomed before we moved, we wouldn't be having this eye-rolling contest. what they need to do is focus on getting that 1970s ass paneling out of that shit and spit-shine those damn floors. i'd be a lot more pleasant if they'd put that pink little bow on the top of her head, that she manages to pull off and chew up as soon as i get her in the car, like the other place does. for 90 seconds, she's cute as hell and i actually like her. then she bites my elbow and i'm so over that shit. he should've just gotten me a damn goldfish.
*
and then there's the old people at kroger. it's bad enough i have to deal with J pushing me all around him so he doesn't have to make any contact with them. but when i do, they always got something smart to say. motherfucker, i know i've got holes in my jeans. don't you worry about what i'm wearing. you had on that same dingy-assed muumuu last week when i was in here. get your geritol and be on your merry little way. oh shit, 10 cents off those grapes with my kroger card. J, you cannot be smacking me on the ass and yelling out "oooh, you've got some serious nip action going on there" every time we're in the freezer aisles. it is not my fault i have sensitive nipples and your drawing it to everyone's attention is not cute. that reminds me, we need some more whipped cream.
*
i'm so ready to be married and in a big ol' house where i can hire a bunch of people to do everything for me and not deal with the outside world. 5-10 years from now, all i have to do is sit poolside with my legs slathered in coco butter, wrapped in saran wrap so i don't get cellulite and stretch marks and tell the kids not to talk to mommy before 5 cause she's trying to look good for daddy and doing her kegel's cause you little bastards ruined her tight giney with your ginormous heads that come from daddy's genes; and you know mommy's gonna have to cut you if you interrupt her oprah time again. oprah is my god. praise the lord. rosalita! fix those kids some pb & j sammiches and put spongebob on! what the hell? where's my sangria?! dammit, you people know i can't function without my sangria! you don't understand what it's like to be me! oh my gawd, do i not pay you people enough?! all i wanted was a little me-time. do you want me to cry? oh, there's my flask! oh, how i've missed you! Us weekly is really getting on my nerves with this whole gay hollywood coming out nonsense. i mean, the men have always cleaned up better than most women. are you really that surprised?
*
i know people are reading this thinking 'this bitch is out of her damn mind'. i don't care though. THIS IS MY LIFE. this is shit i think about and go thru on a daily basis. i can almost understand why J is always threatening to throw me in a psych ward. i'm a little disturbed. but what he forgets is i'm a psych major and i know they only keep people in those things until they're "stable". stable is where they drug you until the symptoms you were brought in for have dissipated and they release with you a prescription for antipsychotics in tow. knowing the system as well as i do, i'd be back within a week terrorizing his ass. you cannot put me away and expect me not to come back without making your life hell. but if the dick is still as good as it is now, we could work something out. i be forgettin baby.

you gotta be remindin me.


p.s. britney spears totally looked like didi [cotton's wife] from king of the hill on that dateline interview.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:10 PM | |