we fell asleep on the couch last night. there was wine and a hard peen. most of the night is a big blur up until around 1am. i got that tingly feeling inside, so i got up and went to the bathroom.

i get in there and sit my ass down on the toilet, and just as the stream of piss is flowing, i see a little piece of string on the floor, so i lean over to pick it up.

and i fell the fuck off the toilet.

not only did i fall off the toilet but so did the toilet seat and i had pee running down my legs and onto the floor i'd just fucking cleaned a few hours before.

i was shocked and appalled. i had to sit there for a moment to take in what the fuck had just happened.

'i just fell off the toilet and i'm sitting in a puddle of piss. what. the. fuck?'

so i get up and grab a handful of wipes and start scrubbing my entire body while i'm silently sobbing and screaming whispers of obscenities at myself and the stupid toilet.

after ten minutes of that, i felt a little less contaminated and went back into the den for my shorts. i couldn't put my panties back on cause they were soaked in urine now. J wasn't asleep on the couch anymore so i figured he'd gone upstairs and gotten in bed.

so i went to the kitchen for some paper towels, lysol, and the swiffer wetjet to clean up the mess on the bathroom floor and who's nekkid ass do i see sitting on the island eating a goddamn hotpocket?

yeah.

"what were you doing in there?"

"cleaning piss off of me. the toilet seat broke. it's like somebody went in there and stomped the damn thing off its hinges and put it back like it never happened."

"Oooooooooh, I meant to tell you about that."

"What. the. fuck. did you do?"

"I-"

"You know what? I don't even care. I just had pee on me. Do you know what that's like? To sit in your own piss? I am 20 fucking years old! This is ludicrous! Oh my gawd, it's in my hair! I smell it in my hair! Don't talk to me. Just go in there and clean it up"

"Nuh uh! You did it."

"[insert his first, middle, and last name here], I am a hell of a lot closer to the knives than you are. Do not make me use them. I'm going to go upstairs and take a long, hot shower and maybe, just maybe I won't feel like I have a bazillion little critters crawling all over my body, eating away at my flesh. And you will take your ass in that goddamn bathroom and scrub every inch of it clean."

"But you-"

"Shhhh! Clean!"

i was in that shower until the hot water ran cold and even then i kept on scrubbing. i felt so disgusting and violated. even after i got out of the shower, i couldn't get over it.

i fell off the toilet and peed on myself.
the goddamn toilet seat fell off the commode and just sat in my own urine.

i don't care that it was my own. there was pee on me.


your god hates me.


p.s. i wonder what it's like when it's hard....[click/NSFW]

Labels: my love, so random

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:01 PM | |