single.
miserable.
in the past 72 hours, i've spent maybe 3 and a half of it NOT crying.
the tunnel vision and creepy hallucinations suggest i need sleep.
my head hurts.
but not as much as my heart.

i feel like the past year and a half J and i have been back together, there's nothing i've done to make him question my love or commitment to him.
but there's shit he's done that has me feeling a lot of doubt about whether he really wants to or knows how to be in an adult relationship with me.
i'm not down with the childish and immature games he likes to play.
i'm not his fucking xbox he can turn on and off and pause and kick around whenever he feels like it.
and i can't continue to fight for something and someone that doesn't want to be fought for.
it's not fair to either of us.

hopefully, he takes this time, however long or short it may be, to figure out want he wants to do with his life and whether or not it includes me.
if not, that's fine. i've always told him i'd rather he be happy without me than miserable with me. him not being with me is fathomable.
he'll have no problem moving on.

myself, on the other hand......i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Labels: my love

--i refused to spellcheck @ 5:25 PM | |