yeah, not possible.
i swear, when i hit week 14, everything just got bigger and/or wider.
a few posts back i said i was looking forward to the physical changes i would experience throughout this pregnancy.
that was some bullshit.
goddamn hormones were fucking with me.
and you motherfuckers knew it was a lie the moment you read it, but y'all didn't say shit.


I WANT MY OLD BODY BACK!


friday night, J and i had a date.
we were gonna go downtown to this great italian joint and go see "employee of the month.
but it ended up not happening cause i couldn't find anything to wear.
i tried on at least 15 outfits before breaking down and crying for an hour in the corner of the closet.
my hips have widened, so i can't fit in hardly any of my jeans/pants.
my boobs and stomach are bigger so none of my tops fit right.
it's really depressing.
so, we ended up staying in and ordering chinese, which btw, is really fucking gross now.
beef lo-mein and crab rangoon is really cool-looking when it comes up though.

i made J go to wendy's and mcdonald's for some better food, and we watched scarface.
during the movie, he decided my boobs needed to be molested.
as if not fitting into my clothes weren't enough, we discovered there is now leakage of colostrum from the boobs*.
J's insensitive ass, "babe.....did you spill something down your shirt?"
"ummm, no."
"ewwww, your boobs are leaking!"

i'm willing to bet everything i own, i've smacked and/or punched him more times in the past month than the thirteen years we've known each other.
he's so fucking annoying.
and i'm pretty sure if he hadn't said 'ewwww' and wiped his hand on MY shirt like i'd just given him an STD or something, i wouldn't have spent the rest of the night in the bathroom crying and throwing up.
ugh.
douche.
i love him though.
minus that incident and the one with his dad, he's been really great about this pregnancy.
he's welcomed the role of "my bitch until this baby can wipe his/her own ass" with open arms.
not that he really has any choice.

*****

yesterday was a little bit better.
i found this really cute halter top in the back of the closet.
i actually have a bunch of them but never wore them because they made me look pregnant.
now that i actually am, i have no reason not to wear them.
i squeezed my fat ass into some jeans i couldn't zip up; but it was okay because the halter was long enough to cover up that minor detail.

i think that's what i'm gonna do.
wear really long, but still cute tops and not zip up my jeans.
no one will ever know the difference.

anyhoos, we had a bunch of friends over to watch tennessee spank georgia.
of course we can never have people over without some shit happening.
being pregnant has [kinda] mellowed me out, so it was all J this time.
mimi just sat her ass around eating chips and salsa and secretly wanted everyone [except my baby's daddy] with a beer in their hand to die a slow, torturous death.

the first little altercation was over someone talking shit about the vols.
that i understand.
that boy bleeds orange.
you can't come into his house and talk shit about his team.
he will hit you.
it will hurt.
you will cry.
i will point and laugh.
the end.

then later, one of the guys hugged me and rubbed my belly and J lost his fucking mind because he's the only one allowed to hug and congratulate me on being knocked up.
the whole thing was actually pretty funny cause he was drunk.
he was trying his best to cuss the dude out, but the words wouldn't come out quite right so he sounded like the tazmanian devil and animal from the muppets' love child.
maybe i'm just easily amused.

*****

today, i've done a whole lotta nothing.
J made me breakfast in bed and he cleaned the house.
he did a piss poor job of cleaning in my opinion, but he gets an A for effort.
afternoon.i think he was hoping for some sex for all that work cause he hasn't gotten any since friday, but um yeah, the leaky boobs make me feel unattractive.
i'm horny, i just feel really fat and disgusting; therefore, there will be no sex until further notice.

i went to see my favorite fag before he and his boyfriend left for LA.
i'm really sad about that, so i've been moping around for the past few hours.
i don't have anyone to do my hair [for free] anymore.
if J and i have a fight, i can't call him and whine and/or stay with him for a few hours and let him liquor me while we talk shit about boys.
i don't have anyone to talk about Britney Spears' downward spiral with.
i don't have a reason to watch gay porn anymore.
i'm really happy for him cause that's what he's always wanted but it sucks for me cause he's my only friend left in this stupid place.
good thing he has cingular.
we can talk for free.

*****

i can't wait to find out the sex of the baby.
i think it's a girl, but that's probably because i've always wanted to have a girl first.
i kinda prefer a girl over a boy right now because i know J will fight me on a boy's name.
and i refuse to name my baby boy after him.
i love his name; i scream it all the time.
i just hate the way it's spelled.
plus, i already have girls names already picked out.
and girls are more fun to shop for.
i'm so ready to buy baby clothes and stuff for the nursery.
shopping is gonna be my therapy during this pregnancy.
feeling fat? squirt colostrum in the mirror today? vaginal discharge?
american express to the rescue.


thank jeebus i don't have stretchmarks.

*this week is supposed to be the beginning of week 15, but i think that means i may be a bit more farther along than that.
shit.

Labels: baby business

--i refused to spellcheck @ 9:40 PM | |