why does the father of my unborn baby have to be such an asshole?
even though we've stopped arguing about petty bullshit all the time, it's just been substituted for bullshit with his family.
what really makes me angry about it is how J always managed to flip the script to make me the bad guy. i'm always overreacting and being unfair or irrational.

today, i talked to J's mom and she was telling me about how she's gonna make one of their extra bedrooms in their house a room for the baby so that when she was there for weekend visits or whatever, she'd have her own little room. she has been really excited about this baby and being a grandma so i didn't wanna ruin her little moment by telling her there was no way in hell i'd ever let my baby stay in that house because i don't trust her husband.
so, i told J i felt really bad because our baby was gonna miss out on having weekends with her grandparents and getting spoiled rotten because his dad is an asshole and doesn't want our baby to be a part of his family.

he pretty much wrote me off and he was like "he'll get over it once she's born and sees how precious and beautiful she is.'
and i'm like 'dude are you really that naive?'
i told him i would never allow my baby to occupy the same space as his dad. i don't know what he's capable of doing to her. why on earth would i leave my child to stay in that man's home when he hates her very existence?
so he went off about her being his baby too and he has just as much say-so as i do and he was hurt that insinuated his dad would actually hurt our child and yadda yadda yadda.

he can say whatever he wants, i'm not ever letting that man near my child. and that's that. i'm not having that discussion again.
but i think i made the situation worse when i told him he should be thankful i'm letting the baby have his last name because i initially wasn't going to.
i really don't care to have my baby share the last name of people who've done nothing but insult me and my family since the day they met me and hate the little baby who hasn't even been born yet.

i'm tired.
literally and figuratively.
it would be nice to have a day where i don't feel like the life has been sucked out of me. i have no energy. i don't know if it's from the cold, the baby, being hormonal, and crying all the time, having this nasty ass cold, or having stupid arguments with J all the time because i'm always wrong and he's always right.

i would really love to just sit back and enjoy being pregnant without having to fight with people about my baby and her well-being, without having to defend everything i say and do, and without being made out to be this horrible monster because i want to protect my baby girl from the shit i've had to deal with since i've known J. i don't wanna spend the rest of my life fighting over this shit. i'm sick of it.

i'm even more fed up with J and his unwillingness to see any of this from my perspective. he acts like i have no reason whatsoever to feel the way i do about his dad. maybe he heard something completely different than i, but not wanting my baby around someone who basically called her a disgrace to his family and suggested she be aborted doesn't seem irrational at all. how is he not offended and upset by that?!

ugh.
i'm so disgusted right now.

Labels: baby business, my love

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:20 AM | |