howdy.
sorry for neglecting you over the weekend but there's this thing.......
it's called a "life".
yeah, i have one of those.

friday, i'd planned on sleeping in but i had to go to campus and ended up spending 5 hours re-entering two semesters worth of research data in SPSS because some incompetent asshole sabotaged the entire spreadsheet. i don't know who did it or how it happened, but you will hear about me on the news if it ever happens again. i can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.

after that shit, i met J back here and we had lunch at some chinese restaurant buffet thingy. it was delicious. why is that all the stuff i like either makes me throw up, gives me heartburn, or gives me the raunchiest gas known to man? i love my baby girl more than imaginable but i am not giving my favorite foods. it's just not gonna happen.

after lunch, we came back home and i took a two hour nap. 'twas lovely. when i woke up, i was horny as hell, but J was sleep. i was gonna give him a blowjob, but smacking the hell out of him when he's sleeping is so much more entertaining so i went with that. and he yelled at me. and i smacked his boner. he cried. not really, but i still kissed it and made it all better. ;)

then we went to see borat. that movie is fucking hilarious. you must go see it if you haven't already. i laughed so hard i peed my pants a little. you laaaaaiiik?

came back home for some more nookie and spent the rest of the night listening to the wiggle worm. her movements are getting stronger , which means mommy's little princess is getting bigger and stronger. yays!

J doesn't like it when i say "my baby" instead of "our baby". i'm like, hey, you can cut the carrots but it's still my soup. he just donated the sperm, i'm the one still carrying around the load. he's still got the six pack while my fat ass is waddling around everywhere.

anyhoos, the rest of this weekend has been spent cleaning, shopping, and watching football. ya know, i love football, but not as much as J. saturday, after tennessee lost to LSU, he was mad for the rest of the day. i tend to baby him and stroke his ego and all of that stuff after a loss, but this week i was like ''stop whining and be a man. fix me a sammich and rub my feet, bitch."

i'm still waiting on the nursery to get painted. i'm tempted to hire someone to do it instead. J says he wants to do all of the nursery stuff but i don't want it to get done at the last minute. i want everything perfect for baby girl before she's all

when are my boobs gonna stop being sore? these sumbitches hurt.

my boobs being sore was how J knew i was pregnant; he knew before i did. it was like the end of august, we were on our way to school and i started whining "Jaaaaayyyuh, my tits hurt really bad!" and very nonchalantly he's like, "yeah, they've gotten a little bigger too. you've been whining about a baby for months now. have you been taking your birth control?" i thought he was just being an ass, so i was like "shut up, jerk." but he was so right. he kept saying it for weeks and i still thought he was joking because he knew i took the stupid pill when i was supposed to. and up until about two weeks before we found out, the only pregnancy symptom i had was the sore tatas. then the morning sickness and fatigue started and he was like "you. are. pregnant." even then i was still kinda in denial up until the doctor actually said "it. and the rest, as they say, is history.

i'm gonna be someone's mom.
i'm so fucking terrified of being a horrible mom and how my mom was with me, completely emotionally unavailable, and ultimately screwing up this kid's life. i think that's probably what my biggest problem is- never having a real mother-daughter relationship with my mom until i was older. that's where a lot of my issues lie.

then, there's J's family who will never claim my baby because they don't want a mixed baby in their family. i don't want her to grow up hating part of who she is because of how she's received [or not] by her own family. what am i supposed to tell her when she starts asking about them? i don't wanna lie to her but i don't want her to be hurt by the truth either.

i want so much for her to have everything i didn't; anything less is unacceptable.
i'm gonna do my best to give this little girl all the love in the world and make sure she has everything a mom can give her daughter, but i can't do a thing about anything else. there's nothing i can say to make "the others" change their mind about my baby.

i've got control issues. it's the reason this whole thing bothers me, i can't control any of it. i can't make anyone do what i want them to. it sucks.

i'm totally in need of some ben and jerry's and belly rubbing right now.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:20 PM | |