that was my baby shower.
pink.
it was everyfuckingwhere.
it was so disgusting it gave me a migraine.

i knew it was gonna be a long day when we turned the corner of my street and i could see dozens of pink balloons floating in the air.

"Jayson, turn the car around. We're going back home."
"It won't be that bad."
"LOOK AT THIS SHIT! This bitch has bought every pink balloon in the fucking city! I'm not going in there!"
"I just drove three damn hours for this. I know you don't wanna be here, but your mom and my mom have been planning this for weeks. You're getting your ass outta this car and you will pretend to enjoy this baby shower whether you like it or not."

he's so sexy when he thinks he's in control.

anyhoos, i walked in the house and the first thing my mom does is lift my sweater and cuss me out for not wearing maternity jeans.
i just can't do it. that big elastic pouch makes me cry. as long as i'm wearing maternity tops and regular jeans that i can't zip up, i don't feel as fat. fuck some maternity pants.

i had the most horrible headache throughout the whole shower but it turned out okay i guess.
i let my mom and J's mom register us at Target cause i figured it would be reasonable pricing for everyone who wanted to buy stuff, and so the moms wouldn't get too carried away with whatever they wanted to get. i told them both not to get any major stuff because Jay and i wanted to be the ones to buy all of that stuff and i prefer being the one to spend ridiculous amounts of money on things for baby girl.
everyone pretty much got everything i/they asked for on the registry and/or bought gift baskets-- monitors, diaper genies, bottles, layette, safety stuff, mobiles, etc. things that don't cost a considerable amount of money and we'll use everyday. they were there for the free food and drinks though. by the time the shower was supposed to start everybody was drunk so they didn't give a damn about no fucking games or pictures or any of that shit. they were like, 'i bought you this, this, and this. now, where's my cup?' that was perfect for me because i got to sneak off for some sex and a nap.

after everyone left, Mama V and M gave us their gifts.

now, i expected them to be a little extravagant. that's just who they are. my mom spoils the shit out of my niece and nephew. Little C is quite the label whore already. and this is Mama M's first grandchild so she's obviously gonna be a little indulgent.

BUT.

these bitches don't follow instructions very well. they need to be banned from online shopping. fo reals.

i think they had some sort of agreement on who bought what because there were no duplicates, but they got like x amount of whatever item they bought. so it was basically who can spend the most money on meaningless crap.**

i've got 6 fucking diaper bags. apparently you need one for when you and baby are going for the casual look; it's your everyday bag. one for when you and baby are out on the town; baby's gotta have fierce accessories too. and daddy has to have his own bag. it's actually called a "dad bag". but of course, they get worn out so you gotta have backups and they have to be from a different designer. shit, i was more excited about the cute little onesies and booties that filled the bags than the actual bags.
*
i've got a stupid burberry stroller which i absolutely abhor. 1) we already have a stroller and 2) i don't even like burberry. oh yeah, i've got an endless supply of burberry baby blankets.
*
velour baby sleeping bags. WTF?
*
carriers, slings, and wraps. oh my! and of course, Jay gets his own slings and wraps because he's so fucking special.
*
there's tons of other unnecessary crap but i don't think i can write about it without spontaneously combusting.
all my nerves.
gone.
i was so fucking happy when we left to come back here. but not without stopping by Jack Pirtle's for some biscuits and gravy first. they really should have one of those in nashville.
after stuffing my face, i pretty much slept the whole drive back. Jay gave me evil looks because i drooled on his precious leather seat.

so, we get home and he's unloading the car and i'm looking for the camera so i can start scrapbooking the baby shower pictures. i couldn't find it so i blamed it on him and made him feel bad because there's gonna be a whole section missing in the baby scrapbook.

turns out it was actually my fault. he gave me the camera before we left our house, but right before we pulled out of the driveway, i went back in the house to pee and i had the camera in my hand. so yeah, the camera was left in the bathroom the whole time. it's not my fault though. i have a whole baby sitting on my bladder and being pregnant makes me forget stuff.
however, zoe will hear the version where it's her daddy's fault and the whole thing could've been avoided had we just not gone to memphis and i could've been at the chippendales show instead.



**my mom totally won. =)

Labels: baby business, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:00 PM | |