i had a panic attack while i was asleep this morning. i don't remember what i dreamed about, but towards the end of it i started freaking out about something.it turned into some kind of weird, lucid dream-- i knew i was about to have a panic attack but i couldn't wake up; so i was consciously and subconsciously having a panic attack and couldn't stop it. when i woke up, i was sweating and hyperventilating and even more freaked out because i couldn't tell if baby girl was okay. thankfully, all is well with her but i don't ever want to experience that shit again.
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i've been thinking a lot about who she'll look more like, her daddy or me. i think she's gonna have a lot of Jay's facial features but i don't know how her skin tone is gonna be. she's gonna be pretty fair-skinned since i'm mixed and he's white. i was thinking about victoria rowell and her daughter and how she doesn't look like she has a drop of black blood in her [victoria is half black, half white & her daughter's father is british]. i don't want my baby to look like that-- blonde hair, blue-eyed little freak of nature. my little girl has got some black and puerto rican blood flowing through those little veins and i want it to show.
okay, basically, i don't want her to look too much like Jay. i'm sure that sounds horrible but that's just the way it is. deal with it. little girls should look like their mommies. and i'm pretty so i have to have pretty babies. not that she'll be ugly, i just want her to have a nice creamy caramel complexion like me.we'll have little boys. i won't care which one of us they look like because they'll be cute as hell anyway. i just wanna hear "awww, she looks just like you" when i'm showing her off and making bitches jealous.
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i love robin thicke. i'm really excited for him as he's getting more mainstream exposure. his song "lost without u" from his latest album is really good to listen to during foreplay. ;)
i think it's like the 3rd most played song on my ipod. and his wife is so fucking gorgeous. i love cute interracial couples. i'd do 'em both for free.
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hmmm...what else.....

the colts won the superbowl! yays! now peyton has the proverbial monkey off his back. i'm proud of him and the way the colts played today, and tony dungy making history being the first black head coach to win a superbowl.
yaaaay black people!
*
i underestimated how needy i really am. it's kinda sad. it's not my fault though. i mean, he's the only person i've ever been emotionally attached to. i can count on one hand the number of meaningful relationships i have outside of this one. he's like my very own sanctuary. so it's difficult for me to just let him go and share him with people. [even when it's just for a few days KIMMY!] hell, i miss him like crazy when he's gone just a few hours for class. i've hated not having him in bed with me at night to hold me and rub my belly and whisper sweet nothings in my ear all weekend.
stupid superbowl.
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i didn't have a party or anything. i went over a friend's house instead. yay for not having to cook or clean.
there was this really dumb girl who kept talking to me. it was nice at first because she gave me a reason to talk about my baby girl and Jay; but then when i was telling her about how Jay and i met when we were kids and all that stuff, she goes "that's so sweet. y'all should write a book about your love story and then make a movie about it." who says shit like that?
she could be on to something though.
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i'm so ready for my wooby to come home so i can kiss him and hump him and smack him around for leaving me home alone all weekend. i just might cook dinner. i've been craving dirty rice and sweet cornbread. i don't understand the mayonnaise cravings. that's so gross. all that fat and cholesterol and sodium. it's why i'm so fucking huge now.
and the taco bell.
i'm pretty sure that's the reason i have back fat. but we're not gonna discuss that because i get very angry and my blood pressure goes up and that's not good for my little zoe.
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i think she back-talked to me today. i was getting some unpleasant kicks so i started swaying side to side since that usually helps. this time it didn't so i raised my voice a little and said "zoe, stop doing that to mommy. it hurts!" and that little heifer gave me one last swift kick in the side before settling down. the kid is still in utero and already needs an attitude adjustment.

that's not a good sign of things to come.

Labels: baby business, my love, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:29 AM | |