jay and i went away this weekend. it was actually pretty nice. it started off a little rough, but i think it's exactly what we both needed-- a change of scenery. we definitely made some progress in the "healing stage". it's still pretty hard though. it's like everything reminds me of what once was and everything that isn't now. my life revolved around having that baby. i miss having that little person inside me and all the craziness that went along with being pregnant. it's different everyday-- at times, i just wanna forget it all. i'm worn out from this whole thing. there are moments i think i don't wanna get pregnant again and have to go through this all over again; sometimes, i wanna try again as soon as possible just to get that feeling back.

everyday is a battle.
jay and i came to the conclusion that me being on an antipsychotic drug was way too fucking extreme. hell, all i needed was some food and sleep. i'll try the counseling but i'm not taking that shit. i've been on antidepressants before and i've studied these types of drugs in psychopharmacology. they can kiss my ass.
unlike most consumers, i don't buy the bullshit the doctors and pharmaceutical manufacturers try to feed us. they put that shit out on the market claiming it's a treatment, when it only masks symptoms; and they don't know the long-term effects it has on people. all to make money. gotta love capitalism.

i just know i recover better from bad experiences from doing things my way. i've lived through some really fucked up things. i've made it this far doing what i want, so why not keep the trend going?

i've noticed people get really frustrated with me when they ask about what happened and i don't give them every. single. detail. i don't understand why just telling people my baby stillborn isn't enough. that's a conversation i like to keep as short and simple as possible; but it seems as if people feel as though i owe them a fully-detailed explanation of what went on. there were a lot of things that happened before, during, and after delivery. ever think that maybe, just maybe, talking about those particular details make it allthemore difficult for me? i mean, it's only been 2 weeks. am i missing something? should i be giving people a play-by-play account of what happened?

get over it.

Labels: baby business, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:47 PM | |