i've found it's easier to stay awake all day and night crying, than to sleep. it's so unsettling to close my eyes and be haunted by the face of that little person i love and carried around inside me for so many months, and constantly being reminded me of all those "firsts" Jay and i'll never get to experience and share with her.

every time i feel like i've made just the smallest amount of progress, my own body turns against me --phantom kicks, lactating, etc.-- and i'm right back where i started. it's probably the worst part of it all, still feeling and looking pregnant even though she's not there. one step forward, a thousand steps back.

i thought after having my baby girl, things in my life would begin to really change for the better. Jay and i, for the most part, were on solid ground and we had this exciting new little baby coming into our lives; so many wonderful things to look forward. all the bullshit before were simply little bumps in the road to get us where we're going. unfortunately, these chain of events have only reaffirmed every cynical, pessimistic assumption and thought about my life i've ever had. and i don't want to be that person. i'm sick of that person. i hate that person. though sadly enough, i am that person.

i'm not okay and i won't be for a very long time. i've accepted that. but i really hate people feeling as though they have to walk on eggshells around me. it just makes me more uncomfortable. i don't wanna talk about it with anyone except Jay, but that doesn't mean i'm incapable of discussing other things. in fact, it helps to carry on normal conversation. sure, i've got cabbage leaves in my bra, but i can still make fun of stupid celebrities and fat people who drive really small cars.

fresh prince is on. i love those mini-marathons.

Labels: baby business, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:36 AM | |