a big storm rolled through here last night.
why can't it just rain?
why does there have to be all the flash and boom that scares the shit out of me?

i was laying there with Jay holding me and the covers pulled over my head and i thought 'this is a sign. something's gonna happen to my baby.' *sigh* i can't even recall how many times i've cried over the past two days now. all this shit has me convinced pregnancy is not for me. Jay and i are one and done. he may not like it, but until there's some medical breakthrough and men can have babies themselves, zoe is it for us. there's no way i can do this 3 more times. i just can't.

this morning, i went to go pee and Jay came in to brush his teeth. normally, i'd cuss his ass out for violating my space like that. i don't care how big the bathroom is and how far away the toilet is from the sink. unless i invite you in, you do not need to be in the bathroom with me when i'm trying to pee. but i wasn't really focused on him. i had to go and cussing him out interrupts that whole process of me maneuvering my ass down on the toilet without breaking something.

while i was peeing, i felt something kinda awkward in my giney. as far as i can tell, only women read this, so, you know how when you're on your period you shed the lining of your uterus, it tends to happen when you're peeing and it feels all mushy and nasty coming out? yeah, that's kinda what it felt like. of course, being the inquisitive person that i am, when i was done peeing [and wiping. eww.], i got up and looked in.

"Jaaaayyy?"

[foamy mouth and all] "Yeah, babe?"

"Did you make any plans for this week or next week?"

[spit] "Nothing really concrete. Why?"

"Well....I'm pretty sure that's my mucus plug in the pool of piss, so....... you're probably gonna be a daddy a little sooner than expected?"

[choking on toothpaste. spit.] "Th-th-that's not supposed to happen yet. Are you sure?"

"Come see for yourself."

[blank stare]

"Are you okay?"

[in a high pitched voice] "Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

"I-I-I'm good. Are you okay? Is the baby okay?"

"I think so. I don't particularly care for mucus leaking out of my giney though."

"Okay, that works. You wanna go lay back in bed?"

"I think I'm gonna go downstairs and make breakfast. I'm hungry. You hungry?"

"Yeah? A little?"

"Honey? You haven't moved or blinked in the past minute we've been talking."

[pause] "That cause I can't FEEL MY LEGS!"


i went over to hug me and he grabbed me arms, "You nasty motherfucker. You did not wash your hands." feel the love?

so, AFTER i washed my hands, we stood in the bathroom talking some more and crying and screaming with excitement. now he's feeling all the nervousness and anxiety and excitement i've been feeling the whole pregnancy. and of course, i threatened to take baby girl and leave him if that nursery is not finished in time. he thinks i'm joking, but i certainly am not!

now, we're both just kinda taking it all in. awaiting labor, i guess? it could be anywhere from a day to a week from now, so i'm not getting my hopes too high. i've been going back and forth between excited and extremely happy about meeting my little girl to fucking terrified. i'm just so afraid of something going wrong and being a terrible mom. i'm trying though.

i'm still really sore from the ECV. i've got a plethora [i had to jump at the opportunity to use that word. it's so fun!] of bruises on my stomach from the doc twisting baby girl; it hurts to be touched but i'm sucking it up and letting Jay rub and lay his head [not that one you kinky bitch] on the buddha belly. although, his talking to my crotch isn't too cute. i don't know how much more of that i can take. i'm guessing there's plenty of internal bruising as well since baby girl's kicks aren't as pleasant. that jittery feeling from the injection has gone away though. that's really nice. for a while, i was feeling like a crackhead in desperate need of a hit.


i'm hungry again.


I'M HAVING A BABY, Y'ALL!

p.s. the braxton hicks contractions are officially fucking awful!

Labels: baby business, my love

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:06 PM | |