umm...i don't remember writing that last post, so you should probably ignore it. i was told i had a psychotic break [ more specifically, postpartum psychosis] and i attempted to stab a couple of people because i thought they were plotting to have me committed. and in the days leading up to my little break from reality, i had been extremely paranoid and actually hid in one of the cabinets with a knife for several hours because i was convinced Jay had people out trying to kill me. that's what sleep deprivation does, i suppose. i don't particularly care for waking up handcuffed to a hospital bed though. so, in that sense, i wasn't too far off-base. i don't remember going to that hospital voluntarily. then again, i don't remember much of the past several days at all.

i guess it did some good though. i'm not too happy about being on an antipsychotic med, but whatever it takes. i've been sleeping. i don't spend nearly as much time crying now. it doesn't take away the hurt and emptiness i feel though. part of me is still hoping this is all one horribly fucked up dream and i'm gonna wake up and still be pregnant, awaiting the arrival of my baby girl.

i really don't know what to do with myself now. EVERYTHING that i'd planned was all about her and me trying to be a good mom. now, i really have no purpose. i thought about planning our wedding again, but i don't even know if we're even staying together after all this. i know he's trying to be the "good boyfriend" and be supportive and stay with me during this time, but i don't like subjecting him to this. he's 21 years old. he shouldn't have to deal with this shit now. he should be out enjoying his last semester in college, hanging out with friends, and all that stuff. not having to sleep with one eye open because he has a very unstable girlfriend.

my mouth is dry.

Labels: baby business, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:40 PM | |