days are easy to get through, i keep myself busy with stuff around the house, online shopping, and working out. it's the nights that are most difficult. i'll be in bed either watching tv or cuddling with Jay, and it feels like something's missing. of course, it's my baby girl. i'm supposed to have that little girl in my arms. i should be changing diapers, warming bottles/breastfeeding, watching her sleep, comforting her when she's crying, telling Jay i can't deal with her anymore and he has to take over.

i don't get to do any of those things. it's like the entire pregnancy was a set up for me to get my hopes up. i planned the rest of my life around Jay and that baby and future kids we'd have together. instead, it's all just one huge disappointment because all the past bullshit i've had to endure wasn't enough.

i've never been one to claim life is fair, because it isn't; but i can't help but feel that i'm never gonna catch a break. every time i think my life is heading in a positive, meaningful direction, i'm hit with another devastating experience. i don't know why i even bother trying picking up the pieces when i'm only gonna be broken down again. that's all there seems to be, and there's only so much one person can take. the one good thing in my life is Jay, and it's only a matter of time before something takes him away from me.

i'm tired of being letdown.

Labels: baby business, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 6:07 PM | |