i have a been a busy gal the past several days. cleaning this place, working out, finalizing plans for Jay's graduation, shopping, shopping, shopping.

i found three gorgeous dresses for the festeivities. yays. initially, i didn't wanna spend a lot of money because i know i'll probably never wear them again so i did the typical retail stores, but then i thought about it. i haven't done any real shopping in MONTHS. i deserve to be the hottest bitch at that senior brunch and commencement. so i went to gus mayer. oh, how i love thee. i spent entirely too much money on the dresses, eight pairs of jeans, dozens of shirts, and several pairs of shoes but it was so worth it. my innards were all warm and fuzzy knowing i can fit in a size 4 now. i think i came a little. i don't think my ass is ever gonna return to its original size though. that's a little depressing. but i have new clothes now!!!!!

now i have a dilemma.

most of Jay's family will be here for the graduation in a couple of weeks. they don't like me. i don't like them. but since it is a huge deal, i've reserved this little place and taken care of catering and whatnot for a big dinner afterwards, but i don't know if i should or if i even want to be there the entire time for that particular event.
i mean, i'm gonna be doing all this stuff with him the day before, i plan to take him to dinner afterwards and give him his gifts, and of course i'll be at the ceremony; but i'm thinking i should just make an appearance at the post-graduation dinner and leave shortly after so he can spend time with his family without there being any negativity in the atmosphere. it's his big day and i don't want it to be ruined by anyone, including myself, because of some stupid bullshit. and i know there's no way i can be in the same vicinity as those people without some sort of altercation.
i figured if there's one day i shouldn't be selfish, that should be it. i'm probably gonna have a bitch fit, but i get to have him to myself again once it's all over, right? i don't know. i'll figure it out.

i've been trying to have a serious discussion with him about possibly trying to have another baby soon, but he's not cooperating with me. the very first time i brought it up, he didn't even wanna talk about it, which i understand. then he just flat out told me no. now, he barely lets me get the words out of my mouth. like last night, we were drinking a little. he said, "babe, i think i'm drunk, but i'm not that drunk so i think i need another drink." so i took upon myself to initiate the babymaking dialogue. and he's like "WHOA! hold on, now. what does that have to do with me being drunk?"

mission failed.

i'm not talking about tomorrow-soon, but maybe late fall, early winter? even after all that's happened, i still want to be a mom. i feel so cheated out of that experience. getting pregnant again would not be to replace Z, i'm not that out of touch with reality. i just want us to try and do it right this time around AND have a happy, healthy baby boy or girl to show for it. this stuff makes sense in my head, but not so much as i'm typing it.

i'm gonna get what i want. [watch it or die!]

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:57 PM | |

-i'm sooooo ready for all this semester to be end. finals and shit are stressing Jay out, and he's not a nice person when he's stressed. i want my old Jay back asap.
-i weighed myself today and i've lost only 3 pounds over the past two weeks. even though i didn't work out much, my diet has been the same. 2 fucking pounds. that pisses me off.
-some sex would be great right about now. yeah, that whole waiting until may didn't quite work out. obviously.
-and the topic of birth control has yet to come up.......
-i would love to smoke a bowl and watch "the wall". i fucking love pink floyd.
-but then i'd get the munchies. not good when you're trying to lose weight.
-i guess i'll have to just settle for listening to the album instead. that does not make me happy.
-i am seriously considering getting a boob job. my tits are smaller than they were before i was pregnant. it's really awkward and that shit is not cute.
-sunday night, i watched "planet earth" on the discovery channel cause i'm dorky like that. but yeah, the epi i watched was the one about forests. and there was this creepy scene with bajillions of cicadas basically swarming the area. it scurred me. i had a bad dream about it and almost peed in the bed.
-fat guy in a little coat.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:19 PM | |

hi lovelies. how ya been? it's been a few days since my last post, but i have a really good reason this time.

the motherfucking flu.

it's no surprise i caught it. i always get hit with the bugs 'round here. but now Jay has it.

oh.
my.
GAWD!

worst.
timing.
EVER!

he was just starting to feel better after having his wisdom teeth removed, which was great because i was thisclose to castrating his whiny ass. then the following morning i woke up shivering, soaking wet from sweat. that's a beautiful sight to wake up to, right? of course, being the shallow bitch i am, i was more pissed off at the fact that i'd just straightened my hair and it was ruined from all that sweating. but yeah, i've spent most of this week in the bathroom with my head in the toilet. that reminded me of the hellacious morning sickness experienced, which has made me depressed all over again*.

i'm feeling much better now, but i can't say the same for Jay. right now, it's just the chills and sweats but he'll be the one hugging the toilet by morning. unfortunately for him, he couldn't stay home today because he absolutely cannot miss anymore classes. but the good thing is he only has classes one day next week before finals and he's done with school. yays! i need to find a dress to wear to his graduation. that's gonna require me to go shopping for new clothes. i never thought i'd say this, but i'm not really looking forward to that. trying on new clothes? ugh. hell naw.

hmmm....i've got another can of lysol left that needs to be put to use.


* is it wrong to NOT want to think about Zoe? even the little happy thoughts i have make me sad, and i'm just tired of crying and feeling bad about everything. it sucks ass.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:29 PM | |

how's it goin, kids?

the weather here is all nasty. rain, rain, and more rain. of course that means i'm staying inside all weekend. not that i really have a choice. Jay got all 4 of his wisdom teeth taken out thursday, so he's being a big baby. i felt really bad for him the first 2 days because he was in so much pain and i couldn't do anything to make him feel better; but that motherfucker has one more time to push me out of the bed for "talking too much" and i'm gonna stick my pinky finger in those little sockets and stab him in the nuts.

i think i'm gonna cut back on the workout schedule. the past 2 weeks i've worked out everyday for at least 3 hours and i've actually enjoyed it because i can see the progress i've made up until this point, but my back isn't loving it as much. the past few morning i've woken up damn near paralyzed because of the pain. i was thinking about starting the cortisone shots again but i don't know if it's really worth it. i mean, the 6 shots i was getting were supposed to last for at least a month, but it wore off in 2 weeks. plus, i'm not a fan of needles. there's always surgery but there's no way in hell opting for that. so, yeah, i think it would probably be best to just cut the workout out time in half and do it every other day instead.

ooh! my mentor from v@ndy emailed me the other day about being a paid research assistant for the next school year. my last 2 years there, i was the only undergraduate who got to work with her. i didn't get paid but it didn't matter. i love doing research [and i'm great at it!!] and i learned so much from her and that whole experience, so she was very disappointed when i called her and told her i wouldn't be able to do it. i was honored this famous researcher thought of little ol' me to be a part of her team, but in order to do that i'd have to be enrolled as a graduate student. i'm just not ready to jump back into that world again. i mean, i plan to go back for the doc program, but that's a commitment i'm not ready to make at this point in my life. i'm not ready to go back to sitting in somebody's class, writing papers, and taking exams for another 4 years. i told my mom that and she retorted "you were ready to be a mom, which is a life-long commitment, but not grad school which is what? 3 or 4, 5 years at most? i don't have time for this." and then she hung up.

parents just don't understand.


p.s. i'm not ignoring your comments. haloscan hates me.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:36 PM | |

i'm pooped.

i worked out for almost 4 hours today. my arms have gotten toned, but my ass still jiggles and i still have a little pooch. WHY WON'T IT GO AWAY?!?!?!?!
but good news: i weighed myself and i've lost 32 pounds now. go me! it's my birfday!
hopefully, if i keep working out everyday and maintain my starvation diet plan of fruits and veggies, i'll be back to my pre-pregnancy size in no time. and to celebrate, i'm eating a giant steak and all the oreo mcflurries i can possibly stand in one sitting.

Jay told me i shouldn't lose any more weight because i look *perfect* now, but he's not the one walking around with a tank of jello for an ass. minus the mini-breakdowns i've had when i couldn't fit in any of the jeans i wanted to wear, i've never really talked to him about the body image issues i have. most people think i'm very secure and confident about my body, but i fake that shit. i feel like if you constantly talk about your flaws, you just draw more attention to them. luckily, Jay's a good doggy boyfriend and compliments my body a lot and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

after working out today, i felt a lot better than i did yesterday, but then i went to that cesspool aka walmart. all i wanted was a new water bottle because i cracked my really pretty blue one last week. there was this woman with a baby and she had a basket full of cute little baby girl clothes and other goodies.
it irked me a lot. i kept thinking 'why not me? she doesn't deserve that baby!' and i wanted to steal her baby and take her home with me and spoil her and do all the things i don't get to do now. if i knew i could get away with it, i probably would have done it. i know it's stupid and irrational, but i don't wanna see other people out with their new babies. i feel like they're rubbing it in my face and it makes me wanna run them over with my car. several times. is that normal?

oh wells.
i've never claimed to be normal anyway.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:36 PM | |

howdy y'all. i know i've been kinda M.I.A. and i can't say it won't happen again, but i'm posting now so be happy.

i just don't get the satisfaction from blogging as i once did. prior to losing my baby, i could blog about anything- the highest highs, the lowest lows- and benefit from it in some way. it was cathartic for me at one time. now, i could fill this screen with all my current thoughts and feelings and i wouldn't feel any different from when i first started typing.

today, has been very bittersweet. today is Jay's and my anniversary. we've been back together exactly 2 years now. it's also been exactly 1 month since we had and lost our baby girl.
and just 2 months ago we were excited about getting to share this day and other anniversaries with her.
while i'm more than thankful to have Jay in my life, and hope to share many more years of craziness with him [I LIKE YOUR FACE! ;-)], i find it very difficult to enjoy this day.

[pretend there's something funny here.]

p.s. they don't make night-therapists.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:11 PM | |

yeah, i've got nothing new and intriguing to write about.
'same shit, different toilet.'

everything is just bleh. when my friends found about us losing the baby, they all said they'd be there for me whenever i wanted to talk, as any good friend would, right? Jay is really the only person i've talked to about everything i'm feeling; he's always been the one person i can talk to about anything. obviously, he's going through the same thing as i am and of course we talk about that- we're a 2-man support system.

i know my constant meltdowns aren't making the process of grieving and healing any easier for him, so i've tried talking to others instead of laying all of this heavy stuff on him every day and night. i've come to realize those people i thought were my friends really aren't. every time i call someone, i get dismissed the moment i start talking about how difficult this whole experience has been and still is.

as i mentioned in the previous post, nights are really rough for me i understand that this isn't something everyone can relate to and nothing they say is gonna make things better, but i'm just asking for someone to at least pretend to listen and show some empathy. i'm definitely not getting that from the people who claim to be friends of mine. that's very disappointing.

i guess i should find a therapist who works nights.

Labels: baby business, my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:35 PM | |