i'm pooped.

i worked out for almost 4 hours today. my arms have gotten toned, but my ass still jiggles and i still have a little pooch. WHY WON'T IT GO AWAY?!?!?!?!
but good news: i weighed myself and i've lost 32 pounds now. go me! it's my birfday!
hopefully, if i keep working out everyday and maintain my starvation diet plan of fruits and veggies, i'll be back to my pre-pregnancy size in no time. and to celebrate, i'm eating a giant steak and all the oreo mcflurries i can possibly stand in one sitting.

Jay told me i shouldn't lose any more weight because i look *perfect* now, but he's not the one walking around with a tank of jello for an ass. minus the mini-breakdowns i've had when i couldn't fit in any of the jeans i wanted to wear, i've never really talked to him about the body image issues i have. most people think i'm very secure and confident about my body, but i fake that shit. i feel like if you constantly talk about your flaws, you just draw more attention to them. luckily, Jay's a good doggy boyfriend and compliments my body a lot and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

after working out today, i felt a lot better than i did yesterday, but then i went to that cesspool aka walmart. all i wanted was a new water bottle because i cracked my really pretty blue one last week. there was this woman with a baby and she had a basket full of cute little baby girl clothes and other goodies.
it irked me a lot. i kept thinking 'why not me? she doesn't deserve that baby!' and i wanted to steal her baby and take her home with me and spoil her and do all the things i don't get to do now. if i knew i could get away with it, i probably would have done it. i know it's stupid and irrational, but i don't wanna see other people out with their new babies. i feel like they're rubbing it in my face and it makes me wanna run them over with my car. several times. is that normal?

oh wells.
i've never claimed to be normal anyway.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:36 PM | |