i have a been a busy gal the past several days. cleaning this place, working out, finalizing plans for Jay's graduation, shopping, shopping, shopping.

i found three gorgeous dresses for the festeivities. yays. initially, i didn't wanna spend a lot of money because i know i'll probably never wear them again so i did the typical retail stores, but then i thought about it. i haven't done any real shopping in MONTHS. i deserve to be the hottest bitch at that senior brunch and commencement. so i went to gus mayer. oh, how i love thee. i spent entirely too much money on the dresses, eight pairs of jeans, dozens of shirts, and several pairs of shoes but it was so worth it. my innards were all warm and fuzzy knowing i can fit in a size 4 now. i think i came a little. i don't think my ass is ever gonna return to its original size though. that's a little depressing. but i have new clothes now!!!!!

now i have a dilemma.

most of Jay's family will be here for the graduation in a couple of weeks. they don't like me. i don't like them. but since it is a huge deal, i've reserved this little place and taken care of catering and whatnot for a big dinner afterwards, but i don't know if i should or if i even want to be there the entire time for that particular event.
i mean, i'm gonna be doing all this stuff with him the day before, i plan to take him to dinner afterwards and give him his gifts, and of course i'll be at the ceremony; but i'm thinking i should just make an appearance at the post-graduation dinner and leave shortly after so he can spend time with his family without there being any negativity in the atmosphere. it's his big day and i don't want it to be ruined by anyone, including myself, because of some stupid bullshit. and i know there's no way i can be in the same vicinity as those people without some sort of altercation.
i figured if there's one day i shouldn't be selfish, that should be it. i'm probably gonna have a bitch fit, but i get to have him to myself again once it's all over, right? i don't know. i'll figure it out.

i've been trying to have a serious discussion with him about possibly trying to have another baby soon, but he's not cooperating with me. the very first time i brought it up, he didn't even wanna talk about it, which i understand. then he just flat out told me no. now, he barely lets me get the words out of my mouth. like last night, we were drinking a little. he said, "babe, i think i'm drunk, but i'm not that drunk so i think i need another drink." so i took upon myself to initiate the babymaking dialogue. and he's like "WHOA! hold on, now. what does that have to do with me being drunk?"

mission failed.

i'm not talking about tomorrow-soon, but maybe late fall, early winter? even after all that's happened, i still want to be a mom. i feel so cheated out of that experience. getting pregnant again would not be to replace Z, i'm not that out of touch with reality. i just want us to try and do it right this time around AND have a happy, healthy baby boy or girl to show for it. this stuff makes sense in my head, but not so much as i'm typing it.

i'm gonna get what i want. [watch it or die!]

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:57 PM | |