my life sucks most of the time.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:26 PM | |

uuuuggggghhhhh. this shit is not gonna work. i'm so damn bored. i manage to keep busy from morning until 1:00ish. after that, there's nothing left to do.
i've worked out TWICE.
i've cleaned.
i've read.
i've played with the dog.
i've cooked.
i've napped.
i've stood in the mirror nekkid picking apart every single thing i hate about myself.
there's nothing left for me to do.

i was thinking about baby names but i didn't stay on that very long for obvious reasons. though i did decide i'm not buying everything in advance and making a big deal about having everything perfect like before. i'm not setting myself up like that again.

Jay grilled the best steaks yesterday. i stuffed myself silly. i felt all fat and nasty afterwards. i never really appreciated good, REAL food until i was on that all fruits and veggies diet. oh, i had the most offensive gas while i was dieting too. i'm such a fucking lady so i rarely fart around Jay, but when i did, he made me feel so horrible. "i can't believe you just disrespected my personal space like that." "oh my god, are your insides rotting? something's wrong with you." "is that you smelling like week-old garbage and sour milk? do something about it!" yet, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him shoving my head under the covers after he's farted. men are so gross.

i love the show Run's House. i've been a fan of Run DMC since i was a kid, but i think the Simmons are the most adorable family. i especially love Justine. i loved her even more after hearing about their baby girl. i just wanna give her a big ol' hug. they have a fuckton of money to throw around, but who takes out their trash and checks the mail wearing a fur coat? the mailbox isn't that far away; if it's cold out, you need to put a little pep in your step and make it quick. i'm pretty sure my neighbors have seen me out in my underwear checking the mail more than they'd like to, but i'm tacky like that. you shouldn't go out in just your underroos, letting everybody see your business all willy nilly, but you don't need to wear a fur coat either.


ROBIN THICKE IS ON OPRAH!!! i love him. i'd so let him hit it for free.

i've recently acquired maroon 5's new album. it's pretty good. my favorite songs are "little of your time", "nothing lasts forever", "goodnight goodnight", "better that we break", and "back at your door". i heart adam levine but he'd have to pay to hit it. he seems like a dirty little manwhore.

Jay wants to get a shark tank. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i definitely want it on the other side of the house or downstairs away from our bedroom and the nursery. i thought he was gonna drive me insane with his new guitar, but with him working he doesn't play as often as he'd like. i think we spend more time playing Guitar Hero than he does playing on the Strat. oh, he named it "Zola". partly for baby girl, and partly because that's the restaurant we had our first date when we moved to n@shville for school.

on thursday, we'll have been together for 4 years. it feels like it's been longer but probably because we've known each other for so much longer. maybe he'll take me out thursday night, but i'm not getting my hopes up. i think i'll just drive to the city and have lunch with him since i hardly get to talk to him when he's at work.

have i mentioned how much i hate that he's working now?

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:29 PM | |

Jay and i went to Mem-phus yesterday for his sister's graduation. i thought i could get away with just hanging out at my mom's before and after the graduation to keep the awkwardness to a minimum but it didn't quite work out that way.

apparently, his folks didn't like my attitude the weekend they visited for Jay's graduation so they decided to have a little "family meeting" with me a few hours before Jess's graduation. until this point i've had the mentality of 'don't say anything to me, i won't say anything to you, and we won't have any problems'. it works for me. but when Jay said they wanted to talk, i thought maybe they would man up, apologize and take responsibility for their role in the current rift between me and them as well as Jay and them.

and this is why i don't get paid to think.

i was gonna be civil until those bitches had the audacity to place the blame on me and insinuate everything would be peachy-fucking-keen if i would just let everything go because "it's all in the past." are you kidding me? no, are you FUCKING kidding me?

let's see, when we told them i was pregnant, Jay's dad insisted i get an abortion because a baby was a mistake and would ruin Jay's life. what every expectant mother wants to hear.

when my family went away for Thanksgiving, spending the holiday with his family was out of the question given the situation with his dad; so i Jay and i to have our own little turkey day dinner at our house. his mom accused me of using my pregnancy and the baby as a way to keep Jay from his family. me not wanting to be alone on a family-oriented holiday when i'm 5 months pregnant had nothing to do with it.


and when Jay was in Miami for the superbowl, his brother, while filming in an elevator taking them up to their suite, pretty much said i was useless since i was pregnant and encouraged Jay to cheat on me because he was hundreds of miles away in a city full of beautiful women and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me.


all of this from people who i've known for years, people i considered my family. oh, but i'm supposed to hold no grudges and be all smiles whenever i'm around them because "it's all in the past". i suppose i should thank them as well for all the stress i was under during the pregnancy as well. get that shit out of my life.

it just made me dislike them even more. if their goal was to ease the tension before the ceremony, they failed miserably. the worst part about it is how they fail they acknowledge the affect it's had on Jay. even though i can't stand their existence, the only reason he even calls them now is because i make him. i don't want him to not have a relationship with his family because of me. i'm done with it though. Jess is the only person in that family i have any desire to remain in contact with. the rest of them can peace the fuck out.

tomorrow, we're having a bunch of friends over for beer and barbecue.
good times.
yup.

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:31 PM | |

last night, we went to a local bar to see our friend's band and a couple others play. that's not really the important part even though the sets were awesome. i didn't get to quite fully enjoy the night though because Jay has issues.

if you're dancing and talking to someone while a band is playing right in front of you, you're gonna have to lean in to hear what the person is saying and so they can hear you, right?

wrong, if you let drunk ass Jay tell it. if you can't talk to someone a guy without them having their arm around your shoulder and a significant amount of space between the two of you, that's a conversation you don't need to have. you are disrespecting him if you do otherwise.

and everybody says i'm the crazy one in this relationship. i'm crazy, but that bastard is fucked up in the head too. don't put all that shit on me. it smells.

we ended up having this big fight in the parking lot basically because i was catching up with a friend i haven't seen in months. and him knowing i have a small crush on said friend didn't make things any better.

i can't even say i'd have reacted differently if the roles were switched, but that was in the top 5 of dumbest fights we've ever had. it's so stupid. we're not jealous mates, but we're extremely possessive of each other. if you're a female, you don't need to even think about looking at Jay or we're gonna have a misunderstanding.
Jay's the exact same way about guys looking at me. he doesn't like it. he's only had to knock out a few people to get his point across, but i'm the one getting into altercations damn near every time we go out because bitches like to test my gangsta. all the guys are like "man, don't even try it. that's Jay's girl. you don't want none of that." i cannot count how many times i've heard that shit and it's extremely annoying. it does not say "Jay's girl" on my goddamn birth certificate. i have a name!

this was a pretty pointless post, but it's been irking me all day and i needed to get it out of my system. i think i can go to sleep now.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:36 PM | |

i think it's pretty obvious i'm a stubborn, irrational person. so, it shouldn't be a surprise that i really really really want Jay to quit his job for my own irrational, slightly selfish reasons.

i don't like it. he's gone all day. THE WHOLE DAY! i'm not use to that and i don't wanna be. it's only been 3 days and i count down the hours and minutes until he's home. it's stupid, i know, but i miss him like crazy. i want him home with me and if i get sick of looking at him, i can just go in another room or to the gym. but when i come back, he's still here.

i went and had lunch with him today and tried to explain my position to him, but he just laughed and said i was ridiculous and he has to work to support "[my] high maintenance ass".
i pinched him.
very hard.
i am not high maintenance. i just like really nice things that are sometimes a little expensive. and most of the stuff he's bought me is shit i never asked for. i like to shop but i don't enjoy spending my money. i gripe and groan every time i spend 4 bucks on a spicy chicken sammich. and i'm not happy spending $200 on jeans, but i have to cause i like wendy's and most designers don't keep big booty bitches in mind when they're designing their jeans so only certain brands work for me. although i will admit there's just no compromising when it comes to my handbags. it's either chanel or i don't want it. and my mommy buys those for me, so he's not the one spending money to maintain my situation and preserve my sexy.

i'm so spoiled. it's his fault though. if he hadn't spent practically every minute of his adult life with me until now, i wouldn't be this way. he has no one to blame but himself for me being the big attention whore i am today.

he's quitting that damn job or i'll get him fired.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:27 PM | |

i'm sorta kinda studying for the GRE. i'm ridiculously intimidated by that test. i think it's because i perform so badly on standardized tests in general. i've always been one to question their validity. i mean seriously, how many times in your life have you used the word "ameliorate" or "vituperative" in a sentence in everyday conversation?

a buncha bullshit is what it is.

you can't predict how well a person will do in college based on some words randomly selected from webster's. i got a mediocre score on the ACT BOTH times i took it and and graduated from college with honors. so, i don't think those tests are at all indicative of success in school.

i just don't wanna take that shit. i just spent three and a half years in college; why isn't that enough? i had to take a test to get out of high school, one to get into college, one to get out of college. i'm sick of tests. just let me in an accredited grad program and i'll work my ass of for another degree. just don't make me take that damn GRE!

ugh.

but anyhoos, the plan is for me to study during the summer, take the test in august and apply to the cog.nition & cog.nitive neuro program at v@ndy soon after.

my gpa is fine; i can get some great letters of recommendation from the few professors i didn't piss off over the years; and i have research experience. it's the stupid GRE i'm worried about. i know it's a self-fulfilling prophecy to go in thinking i'm going to do horribly, but i don't see myself pulling off a 1300. i'm smart but not that damn smart.

but if i do get a good score and get accepted into the program, i wanna take a few classes next spring just to keep everything fresh. if i'm pregnant again, i'll take the fall off and go back full time the following spring. maybe. i'll probably end up taking another year off because i wouldn't want to leave my baby boy or girl in some daycare for school.

maybe i'm getting ahead of myself. right now, the only thing i'm sure of is that i can't stay home and do nothing while Jay's working. most of my friends are moving on to jobs and grad schools elsewhere; if i'm not gonna be barefoot and pregnant, i need to be in school keeping my intellectual and creative juices flowing. i thought about getting a job or something, but i'm not qualified or don't have enough experience to do what i want.

i think we need to move back closer to the city. Jay gets off work at 5 but he doesn't make it home until almost 6 because of stupid traffic. i don't like that. i already hate the fact that he's working anyway, and now there's stupid traffic to keep him away even longer. it would be a good idea for me to start dinner though.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 5:52 PM | |

i've become really neglectful of this blog. i just don't get the same enjoyment out of it as i once did, so that's why i don't post as often now. i don't even read other blogs as much as i used to. it's not that i don't love y'all, i'm just in a never ending funk.

Jay's first day of work is today. i miss his stinkin ass and i don't want to. i think i'm more clingy than i'm willing to admit. i've been keeping myself busy though. i had my 6am spinning class, which i absolutely LOVE now. i came home, showered, and jumped his bones. morning sex is the best sex, ya know. i was gonna make him breakfast but he said he was too excited to eat. whatever.

i took the dog to the park. i don't know why that damn dog hates me. i had to fight with her for ten minutes just to get her in the car. then she fought with me because she didn't want the leash on her. and my dumb ass actually sat there trying to explain why i had to put the leash on her. since it was early, there was no one at the park so i just let her go and threw the frisbee for her. she was so exhausted when we left, she slept the whole drive home.

i spent a couple of hours cleaning the house and then went grocery shopping. why is gas so fucking expensive? i swear every other day it goes up at least ten cents more. we'd probably be better off just buying a hybrid. now that he's working, we can't just use the one car we have that's fuel efficient and have the other two sitting in the garage collecting dust. one of those sumbitches have to be put to use, so Jay's using my new car while his gas guzzler takes a little "vacation".

but i digress.

anyhoos, went back to the gym for my midday workout. my little workout buddy wasn't there though. Jay doesn't like him at all. that's probably my fault. he's already convinced that every guy just wants to fuck me so i shouldn't be friendly to them, and me telling him the guy asked me out on a date didn't really help. oh wells. i kinda like that he's jealous. it makes me feel special.

but yeah, came back home to shower again and take a nap. i've got about 2 more hours before Jay gets home so i gotta find something to do with myself.

ooh! i'm gonna go lay out. i haven't done that in forever. it'll be the first time i've worn a bikini since before i was pregnant too. oh mys.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:26 PM | |

i think i did something i shouldn't have done. but it really wasn't my fault. i wouldn't be so conniving and manipulative if Jay would just do what i say and give me what i want when i want it.

okay, so my friend A is moving to North Carolina in July since she'll be starting grad school there in the fall. in the meantime, she's kinda looking after her niece since her sister is a big dummy. i'd call her something worse but i'm working on that whole not being so mean and malicious thing, but that's besides the point. since A is probably one of maybe 3 females i actually consider friends, i wanna hang out with her as much as possible before she leaves. so i told her to come over today so we could catch up and lay out and stuff once i got done working out. and i may or may not have had ulterior motives for doing that.

Jay knows i really really really really REALLY want us to have another baby but he wouldn't agree to it. when we finally talked about it, he was like, "i'm not saying yes and i'm not saying no". asshole. but since A's niece is still in that really cute baby phase, i thought it wouldn't hurt for Jay to be around her and maybe bring out some of his paternal yearnings. he was just as excited about having Zoe and other little crumbsnatchers; that doesn't just go away overnight.

and i was right. the kid loved him and gave him tons of sloppy kisses, and he was so adorable playing peek-a-boo and bouncing her all over the place. i could tell he was thinking about not getting to do any of that stuff with our baby girl. but what i wasn't expecting was for him to actually break down and cry after they left. i knew he would get a little emotional, but i was expecting or hoping more of his reaction to be in response to the idea of us having another baby. i don't know, my reasoning behind it sounds right in my head, but it was wrong for me to use someone else's kid to get my way.


bad mimi.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 6:18 PM | |

i'm pretty sure i've said this once or a dozen times before, but i deserve a fucking medal and worldwide recognition for the things i do for love. if it weren't for that nasty little four letter word, i wouldn't do any of it, but there would be a whole lotta people with some busted kneecaps and cracked skulls.

about friday:

i woke up at 3am and went to kinko's to make 100 copies of a map [i made MYSELF] of how to get from campus to our house. i asked that mildly retarded heifer that was helping me to print in gold ink on black paper. bitch printed in black ink on gold paper. whatever. i didn't have time to cuss her out so i just paid for it and went on my not-so-merry little way.

i went over to one of the fags' house to get my hair straightened. it takes less time when you have someone else do it. plus, i needed someone to tell me i was gonna make it through the day without losing my fucking mind or killing someone.

after that, headed over to another friend's house to pick up my dress. she was a doll and got her mom to steam it for me. it looked so fucking gorgeous. i was so excited i peed my pants a little.

minus the incident at kinko's, everything was actually going pretty well until i got back home to start getting ready.

the dress did not fit.

it fit perfectly when i tried it on at the store, but i was still dieting in hopes of maintaining my weight because i couldn't afford to gain a single pound or i wouldn't be able to wear it. it never occurred to me that losing more weight would have the same affect, BUT i still bought a backup dress because i like snickers and cheetos and mountain dew in excessive amounts. it was more of casual, springtime, appropriate for graduation dress and not as fierce, but it was pretty. ooh, but there was lots of kicking and screaming when i realized the one i wanted to wear didn't fit anymore. and because i wasn't wearing the black dress, Jay had to change from a black shirt to a white one. cause i said so.

after getting myself together and getting Jay out of the house, i got a call from the catering company saying that the food and stuff would be delivered at 11. the ceremony started at 9 and i didn't think it would last more than 2 hours, so i told them i would be 15 or 20 minutes late because i was coming from nashville, but i would be there to let them in the house or whatever. the man told me that would not be a problem as long as they were able to leave by noon because they had to be somewhere for another event.

so, after that, i gave myself a little pep talk and left for the ceremony. but of course, i didn't get to campus without being stuck in traffic for 30 minutes and looking for a parking space for another 15. i made it to the lawn just as the graduates were taking their seats. i spotted Jay's sister who thankfully saved a seat for me. she's the only decent one in that whole family.

for the next hour and a half, there were speakers on stage talking and the stupid choir singing. i'm thinking "PLEASE GIVE THIS MAN HIS GODDAMN DIPLOMA! I HAVE TO PEE! AND I HAVE TO BE HOME IN 30 MINUTES! LET'S GET TO GETTIN'!!"

10:50 rolls around and they've just begun handing out the diplomas and they're not even in Jay's "school" yet. i wanted to cry right then but i kept my composure and texted Jay to apologize and tell him i had to leave. he said it was okay, but i felt so horrible about leaving. his sister offered to give everyone the maps, which was great because i didn't want to, and i left and drove like a bat out of hell home.

and yes, there was lots of screaming and crying. i didn't get to see Jay graduate, i didn't get to take pictures of him receiving his diploma, or any of that stuff i was supposed to do.

fast-forward to people coming to the house.

lots of passive-aggressive comments about not having the gathering at a bigger place, my weight loss, my dress being too short, the custom license plates on my car, the fact that Jay and i are still together, and some other stupid bullshit. after half an hour of that, Jay took it upon himself to stand on my glass motherfucking table to announce to everyone that if they weren't gonna show me any respect, they needed to stop eating all of our food and get the hell out of our house because i was the one who sent out the graduation invitations and arranged and set up the whole post-graduation gathering at the house after reservations for the banquet room fell through.

i guess the people like free food because their attitudes changed [a little] for the better. for the most part, i stayed upstairs and out of the way. i figured the less i was seen, the less likely it was for me to have choke a bitch. one of his aunts who made a comment about my weight wandered upstairs looking for somewhere to change and went into the nursery. i yelled at her.

and i liked it.

a lot.

after that, nothing worth mentioning happened. a storm rolled through and because thunder scares the bejeezus outta me, i got to snuggle with Jay the rest of the day.

saturday, we went to georgia with our ex-neighbor to go camping. i absolutely hate camping because the first and only time i ever went, i got poison ivy on my ass, but i really didn't want to be anywhere near this place during the weekend so i was more than willing to go this time around. i kinda wanted to forget mother's day existed.

we had hot monkey sex in our tent. and i caught a fish without running away screaming "GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" i was almost eaten alive by mosquitoes though.

but all's well that ends well.

at least that's what i tell myself everyday.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:18 PM | |

we kinda kissed and did some nasty stuff and made up.






i still don't like his family though.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:18 AM | |

so, yesterday marked 2 months since we lost baby girl. that and given the shit that happened tuesday, i knew it was gonna be a bad day. all i planned to do was go to the 6am spinning class, pick up Jay's graduation gift and have it wrapped, and spend the rest of the day at home sulking.

i didn't wanna be bothered with anyone or anything that i didn't absolutely have to be bothered with. that's understandable, right?

well, all these events are going on at school for the graduating seniors so Jay feels obligated to participate in all that lame bullshit. i didn't really care. at this point, we're pretty much on 2 different wavelengths and i'm thisclose to packing my shit and moving out. his recent decisions have made it crystal clear he's gonna do whatever the fuck he wants no matter how i feel about it and i'm tired of putting in the effort to resolve our issues when he's not willing to do the same. selfish bastard.

but i digress.

he asked me to go with him to make an appearance with him at the party on campus and then go to some off-campus party afterwards. i didn't wanna go. i don't fucking party when i'm still grieving and mourning the loss of my child. stupid me expected him of all people to understand that, but nooooo he goes off about how Zoe's gone and me being withdrawn and "hiding out" at the gym all day only to come home to cry and sleep the rest of the hours away won't bring her back.

i was really hurt by that shit but i didn't even bother responding. i just went outside with my flask and cigarettes and pretended he didn't just say any of that shit to me.

so, i sat outside drinking and smoking and thought about all the shit i've done the past several weeks to try and make everything fucking perfect for him this week.

when i was 6 months pregnant, i found the perfect dress for Zoe to wear to his graduation, but i didn't know how big she'd be by now so i bought it in 3 different sizes. before that stupid fight, all i had been thinking about was those dresses and not having our little girl here to celebrate her daddy's big day. and even though a lot of other stuff hasn't gone as well as planned, i've adapted pretty damn well. i was willing to ignore the fact that his entire fucking family have been nothing but rude and discourteous to me and allow them in my home so that he could have his stupid little party after graduating. i deserve a fucking a medal for that.

i went back inside hoping to have a rational conversation with him and hopefully resolve our other issues, but he'd left presumably to go to the party. his leaving without telling me just pissed me off even more, but i still didn't act on my feelings. i thought maybe he'd drive for a few minutes and realize it would be in his best interest to come home and talk it out.

and that, my friends, is why i don't get paid to think.

i really wanted to just pack my stuff and leave then but i've done that before and i know that doesn't really solve anything, so i decided to just stick it out. i eventually calmed down and i set his gift out downstairs [a custom VG Strat and amp]. i wanted to wait until tonight to give it to him, but i don't see that whole dinner happening now. i was really looking forward to seeing the look on his face when he opened the box but i started drinking again and passed out before he came home.

this morning, he apologized for what he said and thanked me for the guitar, but with all the tension between us, it didn't really seem sincere. or i just didn't care.

then, i had to put on a fake happy face to meet his parents and sister before going to the campus events.

[insert more awkwardness here]

i have to deal with this shit for a whole other day.

where's my damn flask?

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:47 PM | |

i got some oh-so-WONDERFUL news today while at the gym.

there i was, feeling fabulous after my two and a half hour workout. i'm standing in the mirror checking out my POOCHLESS abs and not-quite-as-jiggly ass. "hey, how you doin'?" i say to myself. i was ready to take myself on a date when my phone starts vibrating. i almost didn't answer it, as i never answer when it's a number i don't recognize, but i was in a good mood. fortunately, i answered because it was someone from the hotel where i reserved the banquet room for friday.

must be important.

turns out these motherfuckers double-booked the room. oh, but lucky for them they caught the mistake early enough so that nothing went awry the day of the event and my deposit would be fully refunded since the other party gets the room because they reserved it first.

the first thing i thought, 'i'm being punk'd. there's no way in hell this bitch is telling me 3 days before this fucking party where i'm expecting 50+ people and i've already paid for the event-planning that they double-booked the room and i'm not getting it because some other asshole reserved it before me. i'm being punk'd.'

i looked around for cameras and Jay and Ashton Kutcher's little gay ass to come out and tell me it was all just a big fucking cruel joke.

but there were no cameras. there was no Jay. there was no Ashton Kutcher. it was just me standing there all sweaty and stank being informed that my life is truly a disaster in motion. and then i proceeded to vomit all over the 10 pound weights.

that, people, wasn't even the worst part.

no, not at all.

i get home and tell Jay that we basically just spent hundreds of dollars on catering and decorations and no fucking place to have any of that shit and his stupid redneck family and friends. with a straight face this motherfucker looks me dead in the eye and says, "we'll just have it here." for a brief moment, i was at a loss for words. but somehow it came to me, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR RABID-ASSED MIND?!?!?!?!?!"

after a shower, a long bath and a few glasses of wine, we are both out of our goddamn minds.

in the 3 days, the people i despise most in this world are going to be in my house, sitting on my furniture, walking on my immaculately clean carpet, and breathing my clean, chamomile-scented air.

hear that sound?
it's a little something i like to call 'my bleeding, possibly imploding brain'.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:31 PM | |

i think this is the longest i've kept a blog without abandoning it or deleting it altogether. hmm...interesting.

anyhoos...

i had a horrible night last night. hysterical, uncontrollable crying and yelling. i didn't get any sleep at all, but i managed to make the 6 am spinning class. i actually felt a lot better afterwards and treated myself to a smoothie afterwards. i think i'm in better shape than i've been willing to admit to myself because that class was a breeze and i'm not even slightly sore from it. i should be proud of myself. i deserve a snickers or four.

after i came home and showered, i made breakfast for Jay and did some laundry. since i've been working out, i change clothes and shower like 3 times a day so there's ALWAYS dirty laundry around. it's really annoying. i don't know why i get so stressed out now when the house isn't clean and tidy. i just chalk it up to another one of my obsessive-compulsive habits.

i went back to the gym for my regular afternoon workout and creepy, but kinda cute guy that seems to have a crush on me was there. he said he's impressed with how i dedicated i am to my workout schedule. i think he just likes to look at my ass when i'm doing squats and lunges. usually when i see him there's just the courtesy greeting and then i see him checking me out and later there's some small talk. but today there was some full-on flirting from him. i ain't gonna lie, it is nice and flattering to have someone showing some interest in me; but i don't like people talking to me when i'm working out. i just wanna listen to my ipod and do what it is i'm doing. get that shit away from me.

oooh, house is on. i love that show. hugh laurie is old-man sexy. i'd let him hit it for free.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:09 PM | |

i'm pretty sure i'm experiencing the longest hangover in my hangover history. my alcohol tolerance is definitely nowhere near it used to be.
stupid drinko cinco de mayo.

Jay has been doing lots of partying since he's finished school. that doesn't make me very happy but i have no choice but to get over it.

i am no longer excited about his graduation. i'm very proud of him and his achievements and yadda yadda yadda, but i'm not looking forward to all the awkwardness and fakeness from everyone. i really hate it has to be that way.

i'd sell my left pinky toe for a spicy chicken sammich from wendy's and a blue coconut slushie from sonic right about now.

FOCUS DAMMIT!

oh, some dude from the gym has a crush on me. i meant to write about that a few days ago but i forgot. i have yet to fully recover my memory loss from pregnancy stuff. it's really frustrating to want to do something and immediately forget what it was you were about to do and spend half an hour trying to figure out what the fuck it was you were going to do before you forgot. you don't get those minutes back, man.

oh, and another thing-- Jay has accepted a full time job that starts in TWO WEEKS at the company where he interned last summer. i'm 75% sure the anger i feel about that shit is the reason my eye has been twitching since thursday.

i have too much goddamn stress in my life. i've started smoking again because of it. and every time i smoke i cry because my smoking is part of the reason my little girl died during delivery. and that should be enough to make me not want to smoke, but it isn't and that makes me feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve to have kids.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:20 AM | |

howdy folks.

i don't particularly care for this weather we're having. it's hot and there's supposed to be a storm later on. i don't like it. not one bit.

more importantly, Jay is done with finals. i'm really happy about that. he was not a very nice person to be around the past couple of weeks. he came home yesterday with the cutest little teddy bear, a card, and some gorgeous white daffodils to apologize for being a doodoohead.

but then he ruined it by making me cheat on my diet with a big bag of flamin' hot cheetos and a mountain dew. y'all know i can't resist that shit. it was sooooo good but i felt really bad cause i've been doing so well up until now. okay, i may have had a couple of snickers but that's only because that fucker didn't put gas in my car after driving it and left me no choice but to go the gas station where there's all that chocolatey goodness sitting right in your face. so both times i've cheated were his fault. he does it on purpose because he doesn't want me to lose any more weight.

the rational side of me knows i'm at an acceptable weight and size now, but that other side doesn't know if i'll be comfortable in my own skin again until i'm exactly the weight i was before i was pregnant; even though it's probably not the healthiest for me.

BUT i do miss real food. i'm a southern girl. i like meat and potatoes and bread and junk food and not working out 4 hours a day. though i'm loving my workouts now, but those damn V8s have got to get the fuck out of my life.

seriously, this diet has been torture. however, i've lost almost 40 pounds in about 6 weeks so it's definitely been worth it.

mornings: wake up. maybe have some sex. shower. 1 mile run. shower. breakfast-2 cups of some fresh fruit. either grapes and apples or blueberries and strawberries. glass of milk. water.

midday: hit the gym for a few hours and pretend no one in the world exists. home to shower. lunch- 2 V8s. maybe an energy bar. water. get really pissy because Jay's not home for some afternoon delight. it's cardio!

evening: 20 minutes of yoga. bitch at Jay for eating whateverthefuck he wants while i eat practically nothing. angry sex. dinner- steamed veggies and brown rice aka DOG VOMIT. flavored water. dessert- frozen sugar-free whipped cream. i pretend it's ben & jerry's. then there's usually a mini-breakdown because i miss my baby girl.

and i do it all over again the next day. except now Jay's gonna be home all the time. i was really excited about that but now he's decided to stop taking his Ritalin after graduation. i am not a huge fan of his when he's not taking that stuff. i know it'll be good for him because he absolutely hates taking it, but i need him on it for my own sanity. he's gonna be around here swinging on the chandeliers, jumping off the balcony, and i won't have a moment of piece after he gets his graduation present. what the fuck was i thinking buying that?

all bitchiness aside, i'm so proud of him and how well he's managed to keep everything together with all that has happened this past year--horrible car accident, unplanned pregnancy, the fallout with his family, losing the baby. ugh. i don't think i'd wish our lives these past months on my worst enemy. i know i gripe and complain about a lot of things he does, but he truly is an amazing man and i am so lucky and grateful to have in my life. and you can't have him.

be jealous. ^_^

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:19 PM | |