so, yesterday marked 2 months since we lost baby girl. that and given the shit that happened tuesday, i knew it was gonna be a bad day. all i planned to do was go to the 6am spinning class, pick up Jay's graduation gift and have it wrapped, and spend the rest of the day at home sulking.

i didn't wanna be bothered with anyone or anything that i didn't absolutely have to be bothered with. that's understandable, right?

well, all these events are going on at school for the graduating seniors so Jay feels obligated to participate in all that lame bullshit. i didn't really care. at this point, we're pretty much on 2 different wavelengths and i'm thisclose to packing my shit and moving out. his recent decisions have made it crystal clear he's gonna do whatever the fuck he wants no matter how i feel about it and i'm tired of putting in the effort to resolve our issues when he's not willing to do the same. selfish bastard.

but i digress.

he asked me to go with him to make an appearance with him at the party on campus and then go to some off-campus party afterwards. i didn't wanna go. i don't fucking party when i'm still grieving and mourning the loss of my child. stupid me expected him of all people to understand that, but nooooo he goes off about how Zoe's gone and me being withdrawn and "hiding out" at the gym all day only to come home to cry and sleep the rest of the hours away won't bring her back.

i was really hurt by that shit but i didn't even bother responding. i just went outside with my flask and cigarettes and pretended he didn't just say any of that shit to me.

so, i sat outside drinking and smoking and thought about all the shit i've done the past several weeks to try and make everything fucking perfect for him this week.

when i was 6 months pregnant, i found the perfect dress for Zoe to wear to his graduation, but i didn't know how big she'd be by now so i bought it in 3 different sizes. before that stupid fight, all i had been thinking about was those dresses and not having our little girl here to celebrate her daddy's big day. and even though a lot of other stuff hasn't gone as well as planned, i've adapted pretty damn well. i was willing to ignore the fact that his entire fucking family have been nothing but rude and discourteous to me and allow them in my home so that he could have his stupid little party after graduating. i deserve a fucking a medal for that.

i went back inside hoping to have a rational conversation with him and hopefully resolve our other issues, but he'd left presumably to go to the party. his leaving without telling me just pissed me off even more, but i still didn't act on my feelings. i thought maybe he'd drive for a few minutes and realize it would be in his best interest to come home and talk it out.

and that, my friends, is why i don't get paid to think.

i really wanted to just pack my stuff and leave then but i've done that before and i know that doesn't really solve anything, so i decided to just stick it out. i eventually calmed down and i set his gift out downstairs [a custom VG Strat and amp]. i wanted to wait until tonight to give it to him, but i don't see that whole dinner happening now. i was really looking forward to seeing the look on his face when he opened the box but i started drinking again and passed out before he came home.

this morning, he apologized for what he said and thanked me for the guitar, but with all the tension between us, it didn't really seem sincere. or i just didn't care.

then, i had to put on a fake happy face to meet his parents and sister before going to the campus events.

[insert more awkwardness here]

i have to deal with this shit for a whole other day.

where's my damn flask?

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:47 PM | |