i got some oh-so-WONDERFUL news today while at the gym.

there i was, feeling fabulous after my two and a half hour workout. i'm standing in the mirror checking out my POOCHLESS abs and not-quite-as-jiggly ass. "hey, how you doin'?" i say to myself. i was ready to take myself on a date when my phone starts vibrating. i almost didn't answer it, as i never answer when it's a number i don't recognize, but i was in a good mood. fortunately, i answered because it was someone from the hotel where i reserved the banquet room for friday.

must be important.

turns out these motherfuckers double-booked the room. oh, but lucky for them they caught the mistake early enough so that nothing went awry the day of the event and my deposit would be fully refunded since the other party gets the room because they reserved it first.

the first thing i thought, 'i'm being punk'd. there's no way in hell this bitch is telling me 3 days before this fucking party where i'm expecting 50+ people and i've already paid for the event-planning that they double-booked the room and i'm not getting it because some other asshole reserved it before me. i'm being punk'd.'

i looked around for cameras and Jay and Ashton Kutcher's little gay ass to come out and tell me it was all just a big fucking cruel joke.

but there were no cameras. there was no Jay. there was no Ashton Kutcher. it was just me standing there all sweaty and stank being informed that my life is truly a disaster in motion. and then i proceeded to vomit all over the 10 pound weights.

that, people, wasn't even the worst part.

no, not at all.

i get home and tell Jay that we basically just spent hundreds of dollars on catering and decorations and no fucking place to have any of that shit and his stupid redneck family and friends. with a straight face this motherfucker looks me dead in the eye and says, "we'll just have it here." for a brief moment, i was at a loss for words. but somehow it came to me, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR RABID-ASSED MIND?!?!?!?!?!"

after a shower, a long bath and a few glasses of wine, we are both out of our goddamn minds.

in the 3 days, the people i despise most in this world are going to be in my house, sitting on my furniture, walking on my immaculately clean carpet, and breathing my clean, chamomile-scented air.

hear that sound?
it's a little something i like to call 'my bleeding, possibly imploding brain'.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:31 PM | |