i hate being stores where there are more than 5 people shopping. there's always some bitch with a baby and i end up having a brutal breakdown before i make it to my car.

this morning, i went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for dinner and a few other things. i've been so consumed with working out that i failed to realize there was pretty much no food in the fridge.

there was this disheveled-looking woman in the produce section with her baby, who couldn't have been more than a couple months old. the baby started crying and at the first, the woman ignored it. so i kinda poked around just to see how long she would wait before trying to calm down the poor little thing. after about 5 minutes, she looks in her bag and grabs a pacifier. when the baby wouldn't take it, she just scoffed and threw the pacifier back in her bag and pretended not to hear the crying. by this time, the baby is red in the face, and you know all she wanted was for her mom to pick her up and give her some motherly love. i wanted to go over and offer some help but something told me that woman would not have been too pleased with me if i had. it was a horribly disgusting scene and i had to leave.

when i got to my car, i felt so bad for that innocent child and wanted to go back in the store and knock some sense into that piece of shit. it hurts my heart when i see how ungrateful some parents are. there are people in this world who are dying to have kids and can't, yet the people who can are so unappreciative. i would give my right arm and leg just to be able to hear my little girl cry once and let her know everything's okay because her mommy loves her and would never ever let anyone or anything hurt her. instead, i'm constantly reminded of all those precious moments i'll never have with her thanks to ignorant parents in the world.

at the hospital, Jay and i got to give Zoe a bath and put on the little outfit she was supposed to wear the day we brought her home. after bathing her, Jay wrapped her in this little pink blanket that he bought and had her name embroidered on it. when we left the hospital, i took the blanket with me because it still had her new baby/baby lotion-y scent on it. for a while, whenever i went in the nursery, i'd sit in the rocking chair with that blanket because that was the closest thing i had to actually having her in my arms and the loss wouldn't hurt as much because i felt like i still had a little piece of her with me.

so i came home and went in the nursery. i sat in my rocking chair with that blanket and cried and cried and cried until my head hurt. for a moment, i sat there thinking what could i have possibly done in my life to deserve all this heartache. for the most part, i'm a pretty decent person. but thinking about that just makes me more anxious and upset, so i pulled the blanket to my face and took a deep breath.

and it was gone.

it didn't have my little girl's smell anymore. at first, i thought maybe it was because my nose had gotten all stuffy from crying, so i waited a few seconds. after another deep breath and a few quick sniffs, it still wasn't there. for me, the scent in that blanket was all i had, and now that it's gone, i feel like i've lost my baby all over again. there are no words to describe how emotionally devastating that feeling is.

i called Jay and told him he had to come home because i needed him. he kept asking why and i didn't wanna talk about it over the phone, i just told him he had to come home right away. he said he couldn't leave right away, and i just said "okay" thinking he would be home earlier than usual. one hour passed. two hours passed. three hours passed. still no Jay. he didn't even call. he came home the same time he does every other day.

i don't think i've ever been so upset and disappointed with him. i'm still pissed off. i can't even talk to him right now because i know i'll probably say some shit i'll regret later. i have NO ONE here and the one person who i'm supposed to be able to depend on, especially now, doesn't even give a damn because his job is more important and i should just be content with waiting until he's left work for the day. i've taken a lot of shit from him, but not being here when i needed him is unaccpetable. damn near unforgivable. i'm not some part-time, weekends-only girlfriend and i will not be second best to a job. if he really expects me to accept that position then we're not gonna make it afterall; i refuse to waste anymore energy fighting for and trying to maintain this fucking relationship when he's not doing the same.

i can't do it. i won't.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:05 AM | |