the hardest part about it all was not knowing what the hell was wrong with us.

any other fight we've had, i always knew we would make up within a day or two. that's how it's always been. we push each other's buttons to see how far we can go before the other actually snaps back. when we were kids, we'd physically fight and hate each other one day and be the best of friends the next day like nothing happened.

this time, he didn't call, he didn't ask anyone else to call and see where i was or if i was okay, he didn't even try. that hurt the most-- feeling like the person you love doesn't give a damn about you. meanwhile, i'm losing my damn mind trying to figure out why he's acting that way-- was it me? was he just staying with me all this time because we were having a baby? was he trying to call my bluff? is he in love with someone else?

the "other woman" theory was the only thing that made any sense to me; that, of course, only made things worse for me. by this time, every one is telling me to just forget about him because he doesn't deserve me after the way he's treated me and i should move on. if i felt like i was wrong for the way i reacted when he didn't come home, i'd be the first to admit it and apologize and we could move forward with or without each other. i wasn't just having a "bad day" and needed a hug.

i carried our baby inside me for 9 months and lost her before getting to see her take her first breath, hearing her first cry, seeing her first smile, looking into her eyes and her staring back into mine, feeding her for the first time, hearing her first words, her first steps, watching her sleep at night, seeing that amazing bond between her and her daddy continuously grow, among many other things. every single day i'm reminded and think of all i'm missing out on with Zoe. to not have the one person who understands this more than any one else could blatantly ignore my cry for consolation and solace that i could only get from him is inexcusable. who the fuck cares about work, new job or not, when your fiance calls you crying and begs you to come home because she needs you there? i would never put work ahead of anyone i love and plan to spend the rest of my life with. i would just walk out and leave if i had to, but that's just me. i care that much about him and our relationship.

when he told me that he took that job without discussing it with me first, i was fucking livid. i felt there was a huge lack of respect for me on his part. but after getting his side of the whole thing, i understood why he did it. i was still mad as hell, but i was trying to deal with it. i could've been the girl that called all the time and showed up unexpectedly, but i never did. he needed something of his own and he got it.

i believe i had every right to upset when he didn't come home. after hearing why he didn't and the guilt trip he tried to lay on me, i left because if i didn't i would've said some shit i'd probably regret later and i didn't want things to escalate any further than they already had.

***********

since my last post:

monday- i had planned to go apartment shopping to see what was out there since things were looking kinda dismal on the reconciliation front as i still hadn't talked to Jay; but i couldn't make it through a single apartment tour without having a meltdown so Amy just told me i could stay with her, and if Jay and i didn't get back together, i could just sublease her apartment when she moves at the end of the summer. i was glad i wouldn't be homeless, but the whole roommate thing didn't quite work in college so i was a bit apprehensive.

i went to the house to get some clothes because i'd left only the clothes on my back and had been wearing Amy's clothes since. i kinda stole a couple of her hendrix t-shirts though. i don't think she noticed.

i didn't realize how much shit i had until stuffed 3 huge samsonite suitcases with as much as i could and still had a fuckton more to get. i just left the rest though. all i wanted was my clothes and a few things from the nursery; he could do whatever he wanted with the rest. i got my things, said goodbye to the dog, and left my keys and the ring. i was hoping after he saw that i'd been there he would call, but i'm glad i didn't get my hopes up too high because i would've been more disappointed than i already was.

tuesday- lots and lots of crying.

wednesday- Amy and i spent most of the day doing last-minute planning and getting our stuff ready for bonnaroo. we've been planning this shit since february. during the days leading up to it, i wasn't too sure if i was gonna go with all that was happening. Jay and i had missed it the pass couple of years and this was supposed to be our year getting back into the groove, Zoe was gonna be the cutest hippie baby ever, and it was gonna be Jay's first father's day. we actually bought VIP tickets this time around.

it wasn't that hard to convince me to go though. i knew Jay was gonna be there, but even if we didn't talk or anything i'd get to hang out with my friends, get some goodies, and see some great performances.


when we got to our space, everyone immediately started setting up their tents and everything so we could sit and relax for a while then head out to some shows. it was kinda awkward at first because it was Jay and i who planned this whole thing from the beginning, yet we weren't speaking and hadn't seen each other in a week. everyone knew i wanted us make up, but no one knew what the hell Jay was thinking.

then Mike showed up.

he's the drunk uncle everyone hates to love. he and Jay are really good friends and he's like my big brother. he says i have horse nuts because i'm the only girl who's willing to go toe-to-toe with him as far as talking shit goes.

anyhoos, he's been out of the loop because he was away visiting his parents, but apparently someone caught him up on the bullshit. before he's even at our campsite, we hear him yelling "have those two fucked and made up yet?! you know Meems is gonna complain the whole time if she doesn't get fingerbanged at least once before we get started and Jayson cries like a little bitch when he doesn't blow a load once a day." it's hard to stay angry when you've got that bastard around you all weekend. so, that little comment kinda eased the tension.

Jay and i still didn't say a word to each other, just a few glances here and there. i won't lie; i was totally checking him out cause he has a very nice body. then i noticed he was starting to get a little burned and looked exhausted from setting up camp. i guess it's become second nature for me to take care of him because i didn't even think about the fact that we weren't speaking to each other. i just grabbed some sunblock and water and started telling him he needed to drink lots of water while i was spraying the sunblock on his neck and shoulders. then i snapped back to reality and handed the sunblock over to him. i looked up at him expecting him to say something, anything, but he just looked over me like i wasn't even there.

another knife in my heart.

i turned to walk away but he grabbed the back of my shirt and said "you're not gonna spray my back?"

and i did.
cause i'm a sucker.

as i was spraying him, he was like "does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?"
"no, it means i love you and i can't stop caring about you even though you've been an asshole to me and deserve to be kicked in the face, and we have a lot to talk about."

"does that talk involve you coming back home?"

"that's up to you."

mike (in the background): "your husband hasn't gotten laid in a week! do it before the hippies get to 'im!"

we didn't "do it" but there was lots of hugging, kissing, crying, me calling Jay an asshole, and mike randomly yelling shit. we agreed to enjoy the weekend and we'd save the breakup-or-makeup talk until we got back home. plus, i knew if i put out i'd forget all the important shit that we needed to talk about later. i'm whipped like that.

sets we saw:
-the black angels
-the national
-rodrigo y gabriela
-kings of leon
-the motherfucking roots!
-tool
-string cheese incident
-the super jam
-ziggy marley
-fountains of wayne
-ben harper
-ween
-the flaming lips
-sasha & john digweed
-wolfmother
-the decemberists
-wilco
-the white stripes
-widespread panic
-and the most disappointing performance came from: the police

the roots did a medley of songs, one of which was "roxanne"-- my favorite police song. they performed it better than the police did. the roots set was killer anyhow, but i was tripping on shrooms during the police set and didn't get into it AND those bastards ended their set 45 minutes early. that makes me sad. we all had a damn good time nonetheless.

-when we're all together, we play this game we like to call "piss on you". if you're caught sleeping, someone will pour water on your crotch so it looks like you pissed your pants. it wasn't as bad for the girls because we were all in either bikinis or long skirts, so it wasn't as noticeable as it was with the guys. mike getting "pissed on" was the funniest because right after i poured the water on him, he woke up and went "aw fuck man. sorry guys, i pissed on myself. i'm drunk." and he went back to sleep.

-while we were at the ziggy marley set, one drunken hippie stumbled over to where we were sitting looking for some goodies, and, of course, we all said we didn't have anything. but there's one roo-newbie in our group who didn't follow our lead. if there's one rule at bonnaroo, it's 'don't feed the hippies'. after she sold him something, he wouldn't go away. everyone was trying to be nice and let him chill until he started talking to the girls about going behind the portapotties to fuck. first of all, ew! secondly, ewwwww!! but luckily, we had big beefy boys around to direct the hippie in another direction.

-some random stoner told me if i could piss in his mouth for five bucks.

-it was really funny near the end to see the vendors trying to get rid of their stuff. until sunday morning, pipes were like $30+. bysunday night, they were going for 2 for 1 at $20 bucks.

-when we got home, all i wanted to do was take an extremely long shower and sleep in my bed with Jay. i actually slept better in the tent in a damn sleeping bag with Jay than i had the entire time i was at Amy's. it's damn near impossible for me to sleep without him next to me.
it felt good to be home in clean air and out of the heat.

****

we slept in until 11. that's when i woke up abruptly to wake him up for work only to find out last tuesday he was fired "let go until he got his personal life together". for some reason i was mad about it. i think it's because all this shit happened because of that job and when it did finally get the best of us, he was dismissed. all of that for nothing, really. i'm not heartbroken about it and he doesn't seem to be either.

we had a big breakfast and talked about many, many, many issues we have. we managed to resolve most of them. the two lingering ones are about his family and me having to get used to not being with him all the time when he gets another job. i don't really consider the latter a big issue as long as he does what i tell him to. when you really think about it, our big fights are a result of him not listening to me and he should know better by now-- i'm always right.

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 6:49 PM | |