and i really hoped it wasn't true. [click click]
--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:35 PM | |

i spent 3 hours at the doctor's today. not because of the wait, but because i kept having freaking out and having panic attacks. i hate/am afraid of needles that much.

i'm getting better with food. very few thoughts of binging/purging/mia. that makes me feel good. but i think my bc pills are starting to make me gain weight. i'm probably gonna get them changed. lower dose?
must. go. to. gym.

i'm so anxious for fall to get here. it's my favorite season. the weather. the leaves changing colors. HALLOWEEN!

Jay starts his new job soon. he's really happy about it. he'll have to work in an office for a couple of weeks while training but after he's on the grind, he'll have more flexible hours and get to work from home. i don't think it'll be too difficult to adjust since i got a little heads up this time. thank you. and i'm happy if he's happy. i'm gonna miss all of our snuggle time though. and i hate corporate dinners. you have no idea.

ew. i have a line of bruises down my lower back at the injection sites. so disgusting.

Jay's making dinner tonight. the fire extinguisher will be on standby. :)

i bought the most amazingly delicious blackberries from the produce market. i love that place. i've yet to get a bad batch of fruit or veggies.

Jay's cut off all his hair again. i wanna cut my hair ridiculously short [pixie hair?] but i'm too attached to it. maybe i'll dye it. it's time for a new color.

i'm really happy i got to spend some time with my niece. it was quite exhausting, but absolutely worth it. i'm in a good place right now.
i kinda like it.



they're gorgeous.

and i'm afraid of how much i love you......

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:23 PM | |

i looooovvvveeee me some pillow talk.

that's all.

Labels: my love

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:56 AM | |

Jay and i met my brother this evening to pick up my niece. she's grown so damn much since the last time i saw her; it's only been a few months. i think she's gonna be taller than me. gawd. everyone's taller than me!

anyhoos, she slept the whole drive back home. at first, i tried to keep her awake by tickling her toes and suddenly yelling her name whenever i saw her head nod, but she wasn't having that shit. "tia! leave me alone! i'm tryna take a nap! you always messin' with people!"

just as we were pulling in the driveway, she woke up. "Ooh, tia, I'm so glad we made it. I gotta pee, girl."

the kid is a too much.

since i didn't get a chance to plan dinner, we ordered pizza and pigged out. she and Jay sat at the table making goofy faces and slinging cheese at each other. i was a little irked because i was gonna be the one to clean all that shit up, but i let the two kids have their fun.

i've always been very intrigued by the bond those two share. C's a lot like me in that she doesn't get attached to people she doesn't know. she's not the friendliest child. you're always a stranger in her eyes. whenever we have huge family gatherings, and some extended family member wants to give her a hug, she's like, 'psh. i don't know you. get outta my face.' she's always been very fond of Jay though. when she was an infant, the only two men that could hold her without her screaming her little head off was her dad and Jay. it's...weird....but i digress.

after they were done making a mess in the kitchen, C comes to me with pizza sauce all over her face, "what are we supposed to do next?"

"What do you wanna do?"

"Have fun!"

"What kind of fun?!"

"You know! The fun with toys and games and stuff."

it's hard to deny that sweet little face; but i really had to clean the kitchen or i'd have an aneurysm. i ran a bubble bath for her, made Jay go clean himself up, and swiffered away. then, we had "fun with toys and games and stuff."

we played twister [the child-friendly version] for a couple of hours. my stomach is still hurting from all the laughing. it's not what she says that's funny, it's the delivery.

"tia! get yo' booty out my face. you in the way!"

"eww, Jay, why yo' feet smell like that?"

"you know i can't reach my leg out that far to that color! spin it again!"

there were so many other crazy things that came from her mouth. she's the funniest 6 year old in the world and exactly what Jay and i need right now. just tons of good times and laughter. although, i didn't particularly care for being attacked with tickles by those two. i almost peed on myself.

after twister and all the tickling, Jay popped some kettle corn and we all went upstairs and climbed in bed to watch the spongebob squarepants movie--Jay's choice, of course. halfway through the way, C fell asleep, so we gave her another 20 minutes to make sure she was out for good before taking her downstairs to the guest room. ya can't do grown folks stuff with a kid drooling in your lap.

about half an hour later, as we're getting all hot and heavy under the covers, the girl bursts through the door sobbing, "WHY YOU LEAVE ME ALONE BY MYSELF IN THAT ROOM?! IT AIN'T EVEN NO NIGHT-LIGHT IN THERE!"


cock-blocked by a 6 year old. lovely, isn't it?


it was funny, but i felt bad so i gave her a piggyback ride downstairs and let her have a cookie and some milk before taking her back to bed. she was still a little mad but let me stay in bed with her until she fell asleep. i left the lamp on when i left that time. thankfully, she stayed asleep and i got some *special attention* from my man.

although i'm not counting on it, i hope she sleeps late.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:41 AM | |

i woke up looking like freakazoid.

it was so much easier to quit smoking when i knew i had an awesome little baby growing inside me.

i wish i still had that "thriller" jacket.

i should probably brush my hair; then i'll be a presentable freakazoid.

i'm feeling a little unappreciated.

i kinda wish i was starting school in the fall. it would give me something to do.

when i was little, i used to dream of how awesome and happy my life would be once i was an adult.....it was only a dream.

someone has had their access to this blog denied.

individual and/or couples counseling is in the near future.

i hate that i'm so obsessive-compulsive about so many things.

i don't feel bad for a lot of mean, hateful things i think about people-- strangers, friends, enemies, frienemies, etc.

i'm scared of a lot of things right now. really, at this very moment.

i wanna get away.

i love his scent.

i still cry every day and every night for that tiny, precious baby i never got to know.

i needwant something to believe in.....besides love.

my ears are ringing.

i have a mad crush on denis leary. i think it's because i'm attracted to assholes and that's his character on "rescue me".

i miss working out.

i don't miss mia.

i'm really sick of birds shitting on my flip-flops when i leave them outside.

i like when he holds my hand for no apparent reason.

i say 'fuck' a lot, but not as much as i used to.

if i could turn back the hands of time....

i always get the urge to pee when i'm crying. i'm not really sure why.

my vision seems to be getting worse.

i'm not looking forward to getting those cortisone shots. i hate needles.

i have more bad dreams than good.

i just want it to be over.

Labels: so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:20 AM | |

i may or may not have to stop blogging for a while or altogether. Jay's making a huge deal about me writing about "[him] and [his] personal life", and telling him to not read it isn't really helping.

i could just start a new, completely anonymous one, but i'm not doing that shit anymore. and if i can't write what i want, when i want, it's not even worth writing at all. i respected his wishes on some other topics [re: sex and all my DSM diagnoses], but i'm not gonna be completely censored and restricted on my own fucking blog.

so, i'm hoping after giving him some of my mind-blowing sex and having my niece here this weekend, he'll chill the fuck out and stop being a big bitch about this. yeah, you're being a bitch, darlin'. if not, then, i don't know. i don't see how anyone can have a personal blog and not include anything about their significant other. i mean, this is my life, good and bad, and Jay's a huge part of it all. he's the sole reason i started blogging in the first place. it just doesn't make sense to exclude him entirely from the whole thing. i'm 99% sure if i were to take down every post that mentions him only briefly, there'd be an empty page here. ugh. he's such a dick sometimes. for serious, someone needs to make midol for men because my baby PMS's like no other. i was so gonna brag on his GMAT scores on my next post, but not with that attitude, mister.

umm....y'all should tell him how much y'all love me and all my ramblings even when i'm a big hormonal, blubbering, slightly psychotic mess and leave questions for him to answer. that last part is just to piss him off, but he'll answer them cause i'll make him..... and so he feels like he has some control over the content here.
kthanksbye.
=)

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:51 PM | |

i have too many thoughts. i think that's why i can never sleep at night; there's always a ton of shit weighing heavily on my mind.

Jay looks so adorable when he's asleep. the past 2 nights, he's fallen asleep with his arm around my waist and his head buried in the side of my hip while i'm rubbing his back.

i really hate what all this stuff with his family is doing to him. he's always so positive and upbeat about everything. he's like a living, breathing sugar rush, a big bundle of uncontrollable energy. he wakes up and goes to sleep smiling. he's always laughing and joking and doing something crazy. even after we lost Z, he was the one saying everything would be okay and we'd get through it. he's always the optimistic one to counter my pessimism. all this shit is slowly but surely sucking the life out of him and i hate it. absolutely hate it. it hurts me to see him hurt and not be able to do anything to make it go away.

i was thinking about calling his mom and making her hear me out and even talking to his dad, but i don't wanna make things worse. right now, he doesn't even wanna talk to her. his dad is pretty high on his shit list too. she called Jay this morning, presumably to let him know they were either getting ready to or had already put the dog to sleep, and he ignored every single call. there's never been a time he's not wanted to at least talk to his family. i used to complain about what a big mama's boy he was but i always admired that about him. generally, the way a man treats his mother is indicative of how he'll treat the woman he's with.

it's all a bit ironic. i mean, just a couple of years ago, it was Jay pushing me to patch things up with my dad. the major difference, though, is my dad and i were never really close. i'm open to some sort of reconciliation but he has to be the one to man up and make the first move, but i also feel like i'm better off without having any contact him; there's just too much that time can't erase.

Jay has always been close with his family. i actually envied their relationship up until a year ago. everyone got along with each other. their house was always so warm and loving. who wouldn't want to grow up around that?

ugh. this is all so fucking frustrating. i don't care if they hate me; i'm sure there's a fucking club they can join. but i really want things to work out and be back somewhat normal again for Jay's sake. i want him to be happy again.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:11 AM | |

i'm so fucking exhausted after these past couple of days with my niece.

she never. stops. talking.

i swear from the moment she wakes up at 6:30 in the goddamn morning until she goes to sleep at night, her mouth is running nonstop. by noon, i'm, like, "is your mouth dry?" she says, "no." and i'm thinking 'well, it should be.'

every morning starts off the same: she waddles her ass upstairs and bangs on our bedroom door while screaming, "TIA, I WOKE UP!! LET ME IN THIS ROOM!!" and you can't ignore her because she'll cry. she even says she's gonna cry if you don't let her in. but she doesn't really cry, she screams like you're the boogie man and you're about to chop off her head.

saturday morning, i gave her a bowl of cereal, got a bunch of toys out, and put the tv on nickelodeon. that kept her occupied for a good 2 and a half hours before she got bored and woke us up again. she wouldn't go away the second time around cause "it's time to play", so i didn't have any choice but to get up and get her and myself ready for the day. Jay's punk ass went back to sleep though. i wasn't gonna let that shit fly so i told her to tell Jay all about her new Tinkerbell themed bedroom while i was in the shower. he was a good sport though. he let her talk and talk and talk his ear off. i didn't realize until after the fact that he had to sit through all of it in bed with the covers wrapped tightly around his waist because he wasn't wearing any underwear and he didn't know how to get away from her to put some on.

oops, my bad.

after a starbucks run to get some pep in my step, the kid and i spent the afternoon shopping for new school clothes and shoes. i guess technically they would be after-school clothes since she has to wear a uniform to school. she didn't like the fact that she was gonna have to wait until school started to wear her new clothes, so i got her a few outfits and some ballet flats and flip-flops she could wear now.

afterwards, i wanted to go to target for her school supplies but she was hungry and tired, so we went to the cheesecake factory for lunch and went back home. i was so glad we made it home when we did, because it started raining soon after. yeah, i don't do the driving in the rain thing. nuh uh. not happening. but i was very happy with myself for not buying anything for me the entire time we were in the mall. i didn't think that was possible; i seem to have a shopping problem.

after napping for a couple of hours, the kid was ready to terrorize the world again. i was still tired so Jay took her out and they played soccer while i laid out to tan. not even 20 minutes goes by before i hear screaming and melodramatic marcia brady comes running to me. where's a bloody mary when you need it?

"he kicked the ball in my face! ooh, tia, it hurts so bad!"

"am i bleeding? is my face scratched?"

"YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO HIT GIRLS, JAY!"

and poor Jay. he felt so bad and kept apologizing, but she was not hearing it and made him feel worse.
"don't talk to me."

"you hit me in the face with that ball."

"i don't like you no more."

"tia, don't talk to him. he hits girls."

once i assured her her pretty little face wasn't scarred for life and gave her a popsicle, she was okay. she let Jay be her friend again and she even shared some of her popsicle with the dog. then, i had to let Jay feel me up cause i gave her a treat and didn't give him one. his words, not mine.

after lounging around for a while, we decided to go see the new harry potter movie. Jay and i wanted to see the simpsons movie, but i didn't think it would be appropriate for my 6 year old niece to see bart simpson's little peen.

she's all into the HP stuff and really enjoyed the movie even though it was her 3rd time seeing it; Jay and i were just kinda like "huh?" the whole time. he even fell asleep a couple of times. she had fun and that's all i really cared about. i was really surprised that we only had to take 2 restroom breaks. and they both went fairly smoothly.

when we got home, the kid wanted to have "some more fun", so we played uno attack. that didn't go very well because she kept getting "attacked". it always happened after my turn, so she thought i was cheating, threw a fit and didn't wanna play anymore. then we played checkers. i let her win cause i didn't wanna have to deal with another one of her bitch fits. she's such a poor sport.

when it was time for bed, she started asking why i wouldn't let her go in the nursery. she thought i was hiding toys in there. i tried to explain it to her in a way she could understand and without me getting visibly upset. i did pretty well until she started asking about Zoe and the actual delivery. i haven't been able to talk to anyone about that, i sure as hell couldn't do it with a child who couldn't possible understand what i went through. thankfully, Jay was there to change the subject to all the new clothes she got, and i was able to slip away and regain my composure.

i was so glad when she finally went to sleep.

*

today has been more lax. we only left the house one time and that was to get all her school supplies. it was so fucking hot i almost didn't wanna go out to do that. i hate summer.

again, the kid didn't like having stuff she could touch right away, so Jay got her a little art kit so she could draw and paint. we pretty much spent the rest of the day on the couch being lazy tards-- watching movies and napping. Jay and i were able to sneak away for a quickie here and there when she was asleep or so into her latest masterpiece she wasn't paying any attention to us.

we're gonna take her back to my brother in the morning. i kinda wanna keep her around a little longer, but i'll be alright without those 6am wake up calls from her. i feel like i've missed a huge part of her life. it wasn't that long ago, she was this itty bitty little thing that i couldn't get enough no matter how many times she ran over my feet with her bike demanding that i give her a tookie [cookie]. i'm gonna miss all of her craziness so much. i haven't laughed as much as i have this weekend in so long. it's nice to be reminded that life doesn't suck ass all the time.

but i'm definitely ready to have sex whenever, wherever i want in my house. ;-)
--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:35 AM | |

i can't sleep so i'm making Jay talk to me until i fall asleep. he's not very happy with me for blogging while i'm on the phone with him. he says nothing i write about him is 100% accurate so y'all shouldn't believe any of it. he says i make him out to be an asshole and that's not who he is. he loves me more than anyone will ever know and he takes care of me and treats me like the spoiled little princess i am. now, he's telling me stop typing everything he's saying. hehe.

it looks like his trip home isn't turning out as well as we'd both hoped. he's actually staying in the guest room at my mom's because he can't stand to be at his house.

he hates to see his dog so sick and helpless. :(

he's been through my underwear drawer. weirdo. he doesn't understand why i have so many clothes. cause i'm a girl, duh!

he finally got to see the pictures from the baby shower and it made him miss me and Z even more. :( :(

i'm missing the fuck out this man right now.

he said my mom cussed at him for walking around barefoot and smacked him upside his head for holding the refrigerator door open too long. that does not surprise me. my mom's a little.....crazy.

he thinks i'm retarded for spending so much money on Amy. WHATEVER!

he took my hoodie with him [i've been looking for that all night!] so he'd have something that smelled like me to sleep with. awwwww.

he wishes he'd brought his guitar with him cause he's bored now. i'm a little offended. you can't be bored when you're on the phone with me.

oooh, before i forget: Jay is on facebook and there's this little anonymous honesty box thingy. all the comments from girls are about wanting to fuck him and/or talking shit about me. if i ever find out who these bitches are, i'm killing all of 'em.

now i must end this pointless post because we're gonna spend the next hour telling each other "i miss you" and "i love you" and talking dirty. heh.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:23 AM | |

yay!
/sarcasm

my baby's in mem.phis now, leaving me all alone. he'll only be gone til tomorrow afternoon, so i'll try not to whine too much. i think this will be good for him, though....or at least i'm hoping he and his parents come to some sort of understanding and all this shit will be over. i hate seeing him so down and conflicted.

after he left this afternoon, i drove out to amy's to help her pick out what to wear on her date tonight, and then we spent the day at the spa. manis, pedis, facials, massages, the works! there's nothing like a day of pampering to put a little pep in your step. after that, we went to the mall to find some cute earrings for her to wear.

i have no earthly idea why, but she wanted to try claire's [that entire establishment should be shot and burned to the ground] and a couple of department stores. every pair she picked out, i said was ugly, but only because i didn't want her to wear cheap jewelry. it's fine with plastics, but not with metals and stones. so, i dragged her to tiffany's where we had a "pretty woman" moment. i told that girl to get rid of those nasty ass cowboy boots. they are right up there on my shit list with the birkenstocks. it really wasn't her fault though; that mall is just filled with snobby, middle-aged cunts who think their shit don't stink.

i knew A couldn't afford anything in there but i figured a fabulous pair of earrings and matching necklace is the least i can do considering all that she's done me. then, one of those snooty, Jackie O. wannabes comes up "can i help you ladies with something?" all bitter-like. *eye roll*
A pointed out the sets she wanted to try on and the wench pulled them out begrudgingly. i wanted to smack her in the face with my fedora, but i didn't. see, i *do* i have some self-control.

every time A put on a piece of jewelry, the bitch would say the price in such a tone to imply we couldn't possibly afford any of it. that's when i'd had it. but instead of cussing her out like she deserved to be, i waited until we were ready to check out and asked for the store manager. i wanted that wench to see my black card first, and then tell her boss how insulting she was and to be sure the hag didn't get any commission for the sale. i could cuss her out all day and night but i wanted to fuck with her money instead.

and Amy's lucky i like her. i spent a lot of money on her and i'm not even tapping that. i must be nicer than i'm willing to admit.


i was thinking about having a sleepover with some of my gays, but i think i'm gonna tough it out and spend the rest of the night home alone. i guess i could throw the ball around for the dog. maybe order some takeout and watch a movie........by myself. ugh.

i miss my hunny.

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 6:05 PM | |

i've been trying really hard to stay out of the shit going on between Jay and his parents. no matter how hard i try to stay out of it, they find a way to bring me in. actually, it's even not the both of them; it's his mom.

there's nothing that can be done to mend my relationship with his dad. absolutely nothing. his words don't mean shit and he can't pay me to go away like he does the rest of his problems. fuck him in the ass with a sick dick.

my issue with is mom is completely different. she's losing her shit. keep in mind that even though his folks have their issues with me, i still believe Jay should maintain a good relationship with them. i don't want me or my baby girl [and future baby girls and boys] to be the reason that he and his parents aren't getting along. as long as they don't talk shit about me, we won't have anymore problems.

once the initial tension between us eased up a little, i chalked it all up to her just being a mom not wanting to see her baby grow up and have a life of his own where she's not the number 1 woman in his life. i'm not really a mom yet, but i can totally understand that. no one wants to feel like their second best; hell, i felt that way the first 3 of 4 years i've been with him. it's not a great feeling. but this bitch is straight up on some other shit now. she's acting like i'm holding him captive and brainwashing him against her and the rest of his family.

his dog, Roxy, is really sick-- she has cancer and she's starting to go blind in her right eye; she's downright miserable from what Jay's told me and there's nothing that can be done about it. they have to either wait it out or put her to sleep.

she's Jay's dog, so the decision about what to do is his. he wanted to have a little bit of time with her before putting her to sleep, so he told his mom he would come home this weekend and they could do it monday after he left, because he didn't want to be there for it. given what he's been through the past few months, that seems like a very logical thing to do, right?

nope, not according to his mom. if it weren't for me keeping him away from home, he would be there more than just a couple of days and he would be there with them family when they had the dog put to sleep. but i'm filling his head with all kinds of things and turning him against them.

the fuck?! i know i'm a bad bitch, but my pussy ain't got that much power. if it did, my ass would be cruising around nekkid on a yacht in st. tropez with an endless supply of sangrias, without a care in the world.

if anything, she's the one turning Jay against them. instead being supportive and understanding, she's always trying to make him feel guilty about something. why would he want to be around that shit?

ugh. it's all so childish and stupid. i feel really bad for Jay because i know it's hurting him, feeling like he has to choose sides. i don't know what to do to make things right for him.

i feel so useless.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:19 PM | |

the title isn't very relevant. i just like that it rhymes. although, Jay is playing that stupid game again. i should be evil and go unplug it.

i got to hang out with my darlin Amy. i've known her for almost 4 years now, but we didn't really become good friends until last year. i really hate that she's moving now that we've become so close. it sucks to have trust issues because you miss out on knowing lots of great people. i knew almost everything about her and up until recently, she knew maybe a handful of things about me.

i wish there was a little machine that would allow to see what your life would be like had it been the way you'd have liked it to be, to see the person you would become versus who you are now. not necessarily be able to go back and change, but get the answers to all of those "what if" questions.

i'm almost positive my personality would be completely different had i not grown up in the type of environment i did, but i always wonder what else would be different-- the people in my life, where i'd have gone to college, where i'd be living right now, job/career, and all that other stuff. i'm sure Jay would be in my life one way or another because there's nothing anyone can say to convince me i'm not meant to be with him. it's just a fact. i've let this man stick his dick in my ass; i've made homemade porn with him; i've just recently started letting him kiss me with his stank morning breath- no one else in this world can truthfully say they've done any of those things with me. oh, and i recently told me i'm the only person he's ever had sex with in his bed back home. and let me tell ya, he was the quite the little man whore all of 6 months we weren't together. i heart him.

i don't remember what my point was, or if there even was one. i don't know....there are some times i wish i could be a different person because i feel like i've missed on lots of great friendships with wonderful people, but i think it is best i am who i am. i feel a lot safer with letting a limited number of people in my life. when don't expect things from people, they can't let you down or disappoint you. disappointment is very hard [for me] to get over.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:10 PM | |

i'm a little very confused at this very moment.

i don't understand how this motherfucker just turned down my really good sex for a video game.
i know it's new and all-- he actually went out at midnight to get this shit-- but i'm wearing sexy lingerie, dammit. had i known this shit was gonna happen, i'd have worn my you're-not-gettin-any-so-don't-even-try-it pajamas and called it a night.

i'm not even mad; i'm annoyed. he's seriously sitting his ass on the edge of the bed playing this damn game. "gimme 5 more minutes."

5 minutes my ass. i'm wearing lace peekaboo bullshit from victoria's secret. this shit ain't even comfortable; it's all and itchy and shit. i only bought it cause the color's pretty.
fuck this. i've got a vibrator and a new pack of batteries.

suck your own dick.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:36 AM | |

y'all should really consider clearing your cookies.
a majority of y'alls visits can be traced back as far as may.
and a lot of y'all appear very stalkerish.
consistent with the time of day you visit, but also stalkerish.
it's kinda creepy.
not sexy, mmkay?
thanksbyeeee.

Labels: so random

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:26 PM | |

last night, while i was getting ready to go hang out with some of my gays, Jay was watching me and he started asking the typical boyfriend questions: "who are you going with?" "what are you wearing?" "don't wear that." "what time are you coming home?" etc etc etc.

then, he asked if i needed any cash. i was like "for what?" he goes, "well, you generally have to pay when you're going out: cover, drinks, food."

"no, YOU generally have to pay when YOU go out . i'm a girl and i'm pretty. i don't have to pay for anything when i go out. duuh!"

"so, you let guys pay for your drinks and stuff when you go out?" i'm thinking 'duh. what woman doesn't?' but just to be an ass, i started singing "now, walk it out, think about it....awwwww snap!" from that "buy u a drank" song. you had to be there; it was funny.

he does this thing where he acts like he doesn't care, "okay. okay. alright. you got jokes." but then he starts glaring at me like, 'bitch, i will fucking kill you.'

crazy white boy.

so, then, we got into this whole bit about the buying drinks thing, all while i'm in my damn underwear trying to do my hair and makeup so i can get the fuck out. there are hot, gay men waiting for me!

Jay thinks i shouldn't accept drinks from men, if he can't buy other women drinks. i think it's okay for me because i know who i'm going home with. 95% of men who will buy a drink for a woman do it because they think it'll get them laid, but you can't woo me, mister. i'm gonna take that drink, say "thank you" and that's it.

btw, did you know that men will get pissed when you take their drinks and don't talk to them? maybe i was raised wrong, but i don't feel obligated to say more than "thank you". you gotta do more than buy a watered down margarita to get in these panties. but i digress.

Jay shouldn't buy drinks for any woman but me. the only exception is when we're out with a bunch of people and he's buying a round. he's not single and should not be giving off single-man vibes with that drink-buying bullshit, cause then that forces me to have to fuck his AND her shit up. you know i got psycho-girlfriend tendencies.

shit, i just wanted to go out and catch up with some friends and he's being a big baby about a goddamn drink when i hadn't even planned on drinking. hell, i was gonna sit, look pretty and watch some boys make out.

but i ended up getting my pannies ripped off and the bejeezus fucked outta me. i think that was a pretty good trade-off.

shut up. i didn't get any for 4 days. i deserve some good angry sex.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:10 PM | |

i hate being on my period.
cramping and bloating.
sticking tampons up my cooch.
craving [and eating] incredibly greasy foods and chocolate. i lurves the chocolate.
not having sex. but the only reason we're not having sex is because the pill isn't working yet and someone refuses to wear a condom. i don't like 'em either but dammit, i'm horny. i wanna fuck.
is that too much to ask?
i hope he cries.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:04 PM | |

okay. i';vce probably hd a feqw toopo may glases of wnie. burt thats's okay.
shitrt. i forgfot what i wnated to write abotut.
uit had to be imoprtanty, otherwise, i;'d have never started.
i jsut fgarted.
ahahahahahahshaaa that rh7ymed.
i hopew jaysonnd idn'y hewar it. thta;s nmansty.
i d indt'y mrean for ti tio rig,ye.
icqntd' stop lafuhging. asnd asnoitering
.
i neded elp. oi know.

i fell ofd the beds. i hurty m,t ass.
you gurt my feerliungs.
i'mh going to besds noiw.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:53 AM | |

-i had a job interview today. i'd actually kinda forgotten about it until i got the call for the interview. i think it went well. we'll see.

-my mom called me an asshole today as well. even if it's true, you never expect your mom to say that kinda shit to you. she can't be mad at me because i don't like the person she's dating.

-this morning, i thought about choking the life out of Jay because he wouldn't go get me a smoothie. i threw a fit instead. it worked. :)

-FINALLY, talked to my gay boy. he's been sick. summer colds always suck. they're so fucking hard to get rid of. and if the common cold is so common, why isn't there a cure? i've never understood that.

-my niece made me feel really bad for not coming home for the 4th to see her. now, my brother and i have to make plans for her to come spend a weekend with me and Jay. i'm gonna have to do some serious toy shopping for that kid. oh, she doesn't like dora or strawberry shortcake anymore. that's baby stuff and she's too big for that. it's all about tinkerbell now.
the fuck?

-i think i'm starting to regret buying Jay that guitar. he's teaching himself to play, he's learned a GnR riffs, he's made up some really awesome riffs-- all great stuff. but i want it to stop. MAKE IT STOP!

-i've been craving cornbread. i don't even like cornbread that much enough to have cravings for it, but i made some anyway. it was pretty damn good. i ate like half the skillet.

-eating half a skillet of cornbread made me feel fatter and nastier than i've already been feeling. for the most part, i've been eating pretty healthy; but not going to the gym makes me feel disgusting. Jay tried to make me feel better about it but he failed miserably. i know he means well, but telling me i need to put on a few pounds because i "look better with some meat on [my] bones" and because he misses the "jiggle in [my] wiggle" is insulting. i know i have body issues, but dammit, they're not going anywhere. don't ever use the word "jiggle" when you're talking about my body. i'll cut you.

-i got my period for the first time in almost a year. i'm not enjoying it at all. i'm bleeding from my giney and i have to start the pill again. ugh. it does explain why i've been super bitchy the past few days.

-i've been flirting with the idea of cutting my hair short. i don't think i could ever do it though. i'm too attached to it. 4 inches is the most i've ever cut off but that's when it was really long and even then i cried.

i'm such a fucked up person.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:53 PM | |

jay took the GMAT today. i think i was more nervous than he was. going into it, he felt really confident about it because he knew almost everything in the prep books and did really well on all the practice tests; the only part he was a little concerned about was the writing section because of it's format. it's hard to study for that.

the first hour and a half, i sat in the car pulling my hair out because i'm that big of a worry-wart. then, i got bored and antsy so i went to get a card and cute little teddy bear for him. you ever notice how all hallmark stores smell the same and there's always some bitch pestering you to buy something you have absolutely no use for?

i went to put some gas in the car and got some red bull because he absolutely loves them and i knew that would be the first thing he'd want when he was finished.

before heading back to the test center, i stopped by the deli to get us some lunch. then, i realized it would be another half hour before he was done, so i had to stop at walgreen's to get a small cooler and get ice to keep the food at a cool temp. in hindsight, i should've just waited to get food but i needed something to do and i didn't want him to think i just sat out there the whole bitching and complaining. i was really happy and excited for and proud of him for everything he's done and achieved, so i wanted to do something nice. i'm a little needy but i'm a giver too, dammit.

after more than 3 hours of being tortured, he was finally finished. when he stepped out the door, he threw his hands up and did the running man cause he's a big dork. i should've brought my camera. gawd, we never have our cameras when we're need 'em.

anyhoos, he's happy that part is all over, but not happy about having to wait "approximately 20 days" for his scores. he thinks he did well so he's not too worried about it. but i am. i'm nosey; i wanna know how he did.


on our way home, we were talking about where we'd most like to live as far as locations of the schools he's applying to, then he realized we didn't really consider we could be moving when we were discussing having another baby. i mean, when we decided on a time to start TTC, we weren't thinking about grad school. since we've been discussing grad schools, we just briefly talked about how far along i'd be when we moved, not the actual physical and emotional stress it would have on us.

i could be in the beginning of my third trimester when/if we move, but we'd actually be having the baby just as he's starting school. selfishly, i was thinking i didn't wanna put it off, but i said if he thought it would be too much too soon, we could just wait until everything was settled and i'd be okay with that. probably one of the biggest lies i've ever told. ugh, it sucks to have to make adult decisions sometimes.

but to my surprise, he was like "no, babe, we've always had shitty timing. i care more about you and us having another baby than school. if it's too much too handle, school can wait another semester or another year if it has to. we'll just have to sit back and watch what happens."

I LOVE THAT MAN!

that made up for him grabbing the red bull and not kissing me when he first got in the car after he was done with the test. i wanted to fuck him right there in the car while he was driving, and i would have, but my stupid hip still hurts. i have limited sex moves with this injury. it's not fair.


oooh, a snickers!

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:38 PM | |

did y'all miss me? of course you did.

(1) i don't like people stealing my words.

first, it was 'asshat'. technically, that was my mom's word, but dammit she doesn't have a blog to make it famous.

now, it's 'frienemies'. THAT'S MY GODDAMN WORD! i don't want my word used in reference to the cokewhores of hollywood.

fuck you, E! News! fuck you with a sick dick!

*****

(2) weekend highlights:

it definitely wasn't as bad as i had anticipated. i had envisioned two days of people giving me nasty looks and talking shit and having to beat up some bitches. but i found out it's really all of the older adults who don't like me....cause they're stupid. the ones in my age range are somewhat decent people. their accents really irk me, but they like me or at least pretended to.

they're all really stuck up. if you don't make a certain amount of money, you don't exist in their little world. some of their family members weren't invited because they're working class people. how fucked up is that?

*

the wedding itself was beautiful. cheesy, but still beautiful. the ceremony and reception were at Jay's grandparents' house. the bride [Jay's cousin] and groom exchanged vows at sunset under the gazebo, her parents and grandparents were married.

gag me with a spoon.

i mean, good for those two tying the knot. i hope they have their happily ever after, but i give it a year, two at the most, before one's serving the other divorce papers.

you know how you can just tell when two people are genuinely in love and in it for the long haul and those who are just together out of convenience and comfort? some people get married for love, others because the bride just wants a big, pretty, expensive wedding to brag about. yeah, they fall into the latter categories.

i'm sure they love each other, but i just couldn't picture them growing old together. then again, sorority girl and frat boy could be perfect for each other. what the hell do i know?

*

i only cussed at 3 out the 500 people there. Jay was first. that whole conversation could've been avoided if he didn't think like a man all the time. i'm wearing a dress and carrying a clutch purse that will barely hold a pack of gum, where the fuck am i supposed to put a damn camera? i still love him though.

i cussed out his brother because of his lame attempt to apologize to me as if i would actually believe anything that comes out his herpes-infested mouth. when he first came over and started talking, i just looked at him and rolled my eyes thinking that would be enough to shoo him away. but no, this motherfucker kept on talking. i have a short fuse with people like that, so i told him to get the fuck out of my face before i stabbed in the neck with my fork. and that was the end of that.

then there was the cousin who's either adopted or the mailman's kid cause she doesn't look like anyone in his family. every time i've ever been around her, she's talking about whose dick she was sucking on that week and making every conversation about her.

she's in her mid-thirties, and you'd think at some point she'd get that it's not cute anymore, but she hasn't. so, basically, she's a fat, nasty, desperate, attention-seeking whore.

i don't particularly care for her. Jay knows this, but he thought it would be fun to see how long it would take for me to choke her if he left me alone at the table. the only reason he got away is because of my hip injury. he was too quick for me. if i was 100%, i would've tackled his ass to the ground.

lucky for me, one of Jay's aunts was sitting there mingling and she's always been really nice to me. she really liked my dress and i'm shallow so i like it when people talk about how pretty i look.

she asked me how i lost all the pregnancy weight so fast. she said at Jay's graduation she couldn't even tell i had even been pregnant and wanted to ask what my *secret* was but wasn't sure how i'd respond.


all i got out was "i had a very strict diet and did lots of exercise" before that big heifer whore interrupted and goes "I've been working out the past few weeks. I've lost 10 pounds and can really see the difference [i call BULLSHIT!]. I'm becoming much more confident in myself and guys notice that. I've been asked out by several gorgeous men and I know it's because my new level of confidence."

of course, the other women sitting at the table were co-signing that shit. "yeah. absolutely. you look great! good for you!" i'm sitting there thinking, 'bitch, please' and chuckled a bit. she scoffed at me and goes "excuse me? do you have something to say?"

*bitch-switch activated*

"if a guy wants to get laid, he's gonna scope out the attractive girl first. once he figures out she's just a tease and not gonna put out, he's gonna go for the mediocre-looking, but guaranteed lay because that's all he wants. the whole time you're fucking, he's not thinking about you, darlin. he's gonna go home, call his friends, and talk about how he took one for the team. let's face it, you're not drop dead gorgeous. the fact you managed to snag a good-looking man has nothing to do with how confident you THINK you are, and everything to do with you having low self esteem and confusing casual sex for mutual attraction and feelings. guys can smell that shit a mile away. if that weren't the case, you, a thirty-something self-proclaimed cougar, would be here with a man talking about your developing relationship instead of here alone talking about meaningless one-night stands. and here's a hint, the head isn't that great if you can't keep 'em around long enough for a second date. looks like wisdom doesn't come with age in your case."

i win.

don't do me. i'm a grown ass woman. you can't be rude and talk over me like i'm some red-headed stepchild. that shit is rude.

i heard she went and cried in the bathroom. i don't care. don't interrupt me when i'm talking and we'll have a funky, good time.

*

the old people didn't like it when Jay and i danced because he was feelin' on my booty. haters.

*****

(3) today makes it 4 months and it still feels like it just happened yesterday.


it's storming outside.
i'm home alone.
i gotta go.
see ya when i see ya.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:09 PM | |

alright, lovelies.
we're gone for the weekend.
i'll try to update, but in the meantime enjoy the non-privateness of this place while it lasts. ;-)

smooches!

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 5:21 PM | |

[yesterday]

*in no particular order*
-i ate an insane amount of watermelon of blueberries. that made me pee a lot.

-i drank an insane amount of alcohol. that made me a pee a lot too.

-Jay and i went to see transformers. he's been stoked about that movie for some time now and loved it, but i didn't get it. it was like watching two 18-wheelers smash into each other for two and a half hours.

-i cussed out some people for yelling at me at the movies. i wasn't loud because i'm black. i was loud because i was drunk.

-we had lots of sex. 'twas lovely every single time.

-i punched some bitch in the nose because i don't like her and she said some shit she shouldn't have said to me. i'm not sorry.

-i really enjoyed being in a bikini and making bitches jealous. i had to punch one of those jealous bitches. moreso because she's an evil, hateful bitch.

-i said "no, he does not have a boner! he's just really gifted in that area" more times than i cared to.

-i flashed a cop. apparently, the neighbors do not like us having sex on our balcony. i didn't think i was that loud.

-we saw lots of pretty fireworks. we didn't make it to the downtown show. we watched a local one from our balcony instead. sorta kinda. i can now say that i saw fireworks during and after amazing sex with my hunny. i didn't like cops coming to house though.


[today]

-i bleached the entire kitchen after seeing my ass print on the table and refrigerator door this morning. that's some disturbing shit to wake up to.

-i worked out for only half an hour. i had intended to do the usual 3 hours, but i aggravated a hip injury. it pretty much sucks.

-i stayed in bed all day being a spoiled brat. YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!

**********

[random stuff]


-i think it's kinda funny how Jay hates the whole blogging thing, but acts as though i've smacked baby jesus whenever i deny him access to mine. he's cute.

-i'm not drinking or smoking [heavily] anymore. i may have an occasional glass of wine and/or spliff, but none of the bad stuff anymore. i'm trying to get the uterus baby-ready.

-speaking of new baby business, we have a name picked out already. well, first name. it's actually my last name, but it works as a first name for a boy or girl. we're gonna come up with an alternate as well. i almost didn't wanna name Z, 'Zoe', towards the end of the pregnancy. i'd been calling her "baby girl" even before i knew she was a girl, so i wanted to name her that. i think it was the crazy-pregnant-lady hormones though.

-i'm so not happy about having to go this wedding saturday.

-i'm kinda nervous about Jay taking the GMAT. i'm probably overthinking it but how well he does pretty much determines what schools he'll get in and where we move and all that other grown-up stuff. AND he has that job interview. my brain can't handle it.

-i'm really worried about my favoritest fag. since he's moved faketitslandL.A., we've talked almost every day, even if only a minute just to check in. i haven't talked to him or gotten an email all week and that's just not like him. i look forward to those gossip emails with GIRL!!! as the subject heading. but seriously, i'm worried.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:25 PM | |

it's been a little busy around here so i haven't really been able to get to my little laptop to feed your obsession with my life. heh.

today, i went to the gym for the first time in a few weeks. oh yes, i'm feelin the burn. it hurts so bad, but feels so good. almost like sex.
almost.

the guy that has a little crush on me was very delighted to see me.
he hugged me.
and he was sweaty.
i didn't appreciate that shit.
i don't particularly care for my own sweat, nonetheless some dude's who i barely know.
i felt a little violated.
he's lucky i didn't have my mace.

oh, btw, primerica is pretty much a scam, or at least that's the impression Jay got. but he did get a referral for a position at a bank [not from primerica; another contact] and i may or may not have a little gig as a receptionist for a clinical psychologist. i have to admit, i kinda feel bad about him losing that other job, even though it wasn't me who forced him to "create a hostile work environment" [it's so much funnier when tells that whole story], i was the catalyst. so, for his sake, i hope that he gets this new job. hopefully, i'll be working as well because that's really the only way i see myself handling this whole situation. i think. i ain't making no promises.

whatcha doin for the 4th? we're gonna barbecue and then go downtown for the fireworks display. we were gonna go to memphis for the day, but Jay says he likes it better when we do our own thing here because we don't have to divide our time up between families and there's no awkwardness and hostility to worry about. i had a smartass retort for that, but i kept it to myself.

this weekend, we're going to a wedding. i don't really want to but Jay asked me to go with him and it's really hard for me to tell him no when he makes that sad puppy dog face. i hate his family. i swear, if any one of those bitches say one thing out of line, it's gon' be a misunderstanding. y'all will see me on the nightly news.

funny thing, i was pretty gung-ho about planning my own wedding when we were first engaged, but now not so much. even if we did get married, it wouldn't be the wedding i've always wanted. my dad probably wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle, i wouldn't be received with open arms by my in-laws. it just wouldn't be right. i think when we're ready, we should just go to vegas, then come back home and have a huge fucking party.a formal reception? that's so not me. it's a celebration. i'm wearing the sluttiest outfit i can find. i wanna see some half nekkid men and bitches doing body shots.

*LIGHTBULB!*!

playboy bunnies and the dudes from chippendale's! how much do they cost?

no, for serious!

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:13 PM | |