the title isn't very relevant. i just like that it rhymes. although, Jay is playing that stupid game again. i should be evil and go unplug it.

i got to hang out with my darlin Amy. i've known her for almost 4 years now, but we didn't really become good friends until last year. i really hate that she's moving now that we've become so close. it sucks to have trust issues because you miss out on knowing lots of great people. i knew almost everything about her and up until recently, she knew maybe a handful of things about me.

i wish there was a little machine that would allow to see what your life would be like had it been the way you'd have liked it to be, to see the person you would become versus who you are now. not necessarily be able to go back and change, but get the answers to all of those "what if" questions.

i'm almost positive my personality would be completely different had i not grown up in the type of environment i did, but i always wonder what else would be different-- the people in my life, where i'd have gone to college, where i'd be living right now, job/career, and all that other stuff. i'm sure Jay would be in my life one way or another because there's nothing anyone can say to convince me i'm not meant to be with him. it's just a fact. i've let this man stick his dick in my ass; i've made homemade porn with him; i've just recently started letting him kiss me with his stank morning breath- no one else in this world can truthfully say they've done any of those things with me. oh, and i recently told me i'm the only person he's ever had sex with in his bed back home. and let me tell ya, he was the quite the little man whore all of 6 months we weren't together. i heart him.

i don't remember what my point was, or if there even was one. i don't know....there are some times i wish i could be a different person because i feel like i've missed on lots of great friendships with wonderful people, but i think it is best i am who i am. i feel a lot safer with letting a limited number of people in my life. when don't expect things from people, they can't let you down or disappoint you. disappointment is very hard [for me] to get over.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:10 PM | |