i have too many thoughts. i think that's why i can never sleep at night; there's always a ton of shit weighing heavily on my mind.

Jay looks so adorable when he's asleep. the past 2 nights, he's fallen asleep with his arm around my waist and his head buried in the side of my hip while i'm rubbing his back.

i really hate what all this stuff with his family is doing to him. he's always so positive and upbeat about everything. he's like a living, breathing sugar rush, a big bundle of uncontrollable energy. he wakes up and goes to sleep smiling. he's always laughing and joking and doing something crazy. even after we lost Z, he was the one saying everything would be okay and we'd get through it. he's always the optimistic one to counter my pessimism. all this shit is slowly but surely sucking the life out of him and i hate it. absolutely hate it. it hurts me to see him hurt and not be able to do anything to make it go away.

i was thinking about calling his mom and making her hear me out and even talking to his dad, but i don't wanna make things worse. right now, he doesn't even wanna talk to her. his dad is pretty high on his shit list too. she called Jay this morning, presumably to let him know they were either getting ready to or had already put the dog to sleep, and he ignored every single call. there's never been a time he's not wanted to at least talk to his family. i used to complain about what a big mama's boy he was but i always admired that about him. generally, the way a man treats his mother is indicative of how he'll treat the woman he's with.

it's all a bit ironic. i mean, just a couple of years ago, it was Jay pushing me to patch things up with my dad. the major difference, though, is my dad and i were never really close. i'm open to some sort of reconciliation but he has to be the one to man up and make the first move, but i also feel like i'm better off without having any contact him; there's just too much that time can't erase.

Jay has always been close with his family. i actually envied their relationship up until a year ago. everyone got along with each other. their house was always so warm and loving. who wouldn't want to grow up around that?

ugh. this is all so fucking frustrating. i don't care if they hate me; i'm sure there's a fucking club they can join. but i really want things to work out and be back somewhat normal again for Jay's sake. i want him to be happy again.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:11 AM | |