i spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about myself and how i became such a mess over this boy who likes to fart and shove my head under the covers.

i blame my parents, a shitty childhood, and him for always trying to be my superman.......cause i never take the blame for anything.


i don't remember ever feeling loved by my parents as a child. i always felt like i was a burden to them because i was the most different from their other kids and they kinda just provided for me because they had to by law. i never had an emotional attachment or bond to either of them as a child. i knew they liked me sometimes, but i never knew if they loved and cared about me because i never heard it and felt like they really meant it. i admired my mom's beauty, but resented her for being weak in every sense of the word. i appreciated my dad for taking care of us financially, but always hated him for the way he treated my mom and made us kids fear him. the way he would constantly yell, especially when he was beating my mom, is the very reason i don't yell and rarely raise my voice, and simply shut down whenever a man anywhere near me yells in a confrontational manner.

it wasn't until a year after i'd moved away for college and finally had my own apartment that my mom and i began forming some sort of mother-daughter relationship. obviously, it wasn't too solid since she hasn't talked to me in a week because i like the fart she's dating. and we all know the deal with the sperm donor. as an adult, i honestly believe my parents failed me.

in the midst of all the chaos i've experienced, the only person who's been there for me through it all is Jay. we've been to hell and back a few times together.

judging by the way i am now, you wouldn't know the first year and a half we were together i was less attached to him than he was to me. for the longest time, all i wanted was to be with him. i've always known he and i are supposed to be together. i don't know why; i just know it. when we were finally together, it scared the shit out of me. it was so easy for me to love him, but so difficult to let him love me. not knowing what it felt like to be loved, my biggest fear was to finally know it and relish it and then have it taken away. i was so far from the clingy, blubbering mess of a person i am now. there was some dependency there, but nowhere near the level it is now.

the turning point was not that long. fall 2005. there was a storm in the middle of the night. we were both asleep when there was this loud, intense roll of thunder that woke and scared me into paralysis. i didn't even think he had heard it because he sleeps like a log, but he instantly pulled me closer to him and whispered "it's okay. i'm here, baby."

it was after that night, i began to let go of all the things from the past that had helped me put up all the walls i'd built.

i'm so goddamn maniacal about him because he's all i have and i want to protect what we have no matter how desperate, obsessive, insecure or just plain stupid the way i go about doing it makes me look.

i really like his face.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:12 AM | |