i have so much shit going on in my head that i don't know quite where to begin. actually, i do, but that'd be whining and i'm not supposed to whine anymore. fuck that. this is my blog. i do what i want.

warning: i'm a little tipsy, i don't like spell/grammar check, and i don't plan to stop drinking anytime soon. and, yes, i do know what time it is.

A- alone & awkwardness.
alone-- Jay is in San Diego. he left sunday night but he'll be home tonight--- if i sober up in time to go pick him up at the airport. the point is, i'm alone. words just can't describe how much i hate being alone so i'm not gonna try. by now, i'm sure you all know i had a shitty childhood; adulthood ain't looking so pretty either. but i'm finding it more and more difficult to get used to the idea, reality(?), that we [Jay and i] are adults with adult responsibilities and obligations; moreso he than i. rationally speaking, he's the head of our household; he has to work. we've got bills, i'm a little high maintenance, and he likes his big boy toys. but meems speaking: he doesn't really have to work. i like my chanel but by no means am i stupid about my money, or his money for that matter. we've got some shiny pennies saved and some great stocks; we could live comfortably off the money we have now for quite some time without ever putting in a day's work. it took some time, but i finally got used to this whole 8 to 5 deal. i wish he was a little closer to home, but hey, i'm chill. now, i'm like, 'why you gotta go across the country to work? you can't make a damn conference call?'
i'm trying not to get my panties in a bunch, but i cannot have him away from home half a month and settle for weekends only. it just ain't happening. i don't foresee too much of January going by before i'm downtown making terroristic threats at his job because they're sending him all over the goddamn country for some shit he could do sitting at his desk right here in bumfuck, tennessee. bitch, i'm emotionally unstable; don't fuck with a happy home.

awkwardness-- i just feel like i'm at an awkward point in my life. (1) i have no desire to have a job, but i can't stand to be home doing nothing. there's only so much cleaning a girl can do.
(2) i have no desire to go to grad school, but i know there's no way in hell i'll get a decent job with a BS in psych-- or cognitve science for all those snooty bitches at v@nderbilt.
(3) i have all these friends wanting to hang out and catch up, but when it happens, i quickly realize i have nothing in common with most of them. everyone seems to be in party-mode or whore-mode. i've been with the same person since i was 17; i'm practically married now. when i go out, i'm with Jay or Ja and another couple. i haven't tried the latest drugs on the street, i haven't fucked [insert random dude's name here], i didn't know s/he was fucking him/her.
(4) all i want is to get pregnant and have another baby, but i can't even hold a baby without freaking out anymore. i thought i was doing well, but i'm really not. it was just my mind playing tricks on me. with everything that's happening, i don't think we're ready for another baby. i hate having to admit that. i feel like i died a little just typing it.


i need another glass of wine.

Labels: so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:49 PM | |