i'm going with the flow but most days are pretty chaotic [in my mind]. mornings are decent, nights are awful, and all the time in between leaves me questioning my sanity. this week has been a bunch of back-and-forths to and from the airport:
sunday night- drop off.
tuesday night- pick up.
thursday morning- drop off.
saturday morning- pick up.

i'm becoming a living, breathing UPS. what can brown Meems do for you???

today, while my painfully jet-lagged hubby napped, i watched one of the videos we made while i was pregnant. i didn't even make it 5 minutes through without having to stop it and cry to myself. mostly because i miss that little person i never really got to know; but partly because i'd never seen myself as happy and peaceful in all of my life, despite all the mess going on during that time in my life. i miss that --happiness and contentment-- so much.

i feel so absent now. i live in bumfuck, nowhere-- dull and boring college town-- filled with grouchy senior citizens. this place would be overrun with inconsiderate, disrespectful college kids, but some reason, it's a suit-case college/university. everyone goes home on the weekend. all of my friends have moved on to bigger and greater places in life. i'm beginning to feel like a spectator in my relationship with Jay-- he's got a job he loves that keeps him away from home more than he's here; what the fuck am i doing here? my pom-poms are starting to get a little worn out; i can be the cheerleader for only so long. it seems like everything is changing for the better for everyone except me. i can't even bring myself to relax and open up just enough to make new friends; and i'm very much still stuck in a lot of habits and ways that prevent me from evolving into a better(?) person. and as much i want to change those things, something keeps me in that same place of self-destruction. i don't know what it is.

as crazy as it sounds, this is where i'm most comfortable -- unhappy, distressed, and depressed.



it's what i know best.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:42 PM | |